Posts Tagged ‘world’

I sit here in the dark considering what it will take to start a new life. My name is Callie. That isn’t short for anything, it’s just Callie. I have lived in the same place for the last thirty or so years. A white house with a white picket fence and blue shutters on the windows. It was the house my mom and dad built when they got married. It is one story, has three bedrooms, a formal dining area, a living room, and huge kitchen and three full baths. You would think they built it to house an army. It was just me and them though. Up until a few years ago, then it became just me.

So, let me tell you a little about me. I am thirty years old; I have no kids, never been married, and have no desire for either. I grew up an only child. My life was full of all the things I could have ever wanted. My parents weren’t rich, but they were well taken care of. They tried to give me everything I wanted. I wanted to grow up and live a life of solitude, on an island in the Pacific, away from this dumpy little town in Texas. Mom and Dad said that wasn’t an option, I needed to go to college, and make something of myself. So, I went, and I majored in nothing, and minored in everything. They finally got frustrated at putting money into school, and told me I could come back home to stay until I figured out what I wanted out of life. Again, I told them, a life of solitude on a quiet little Pacific island. Still, they said that they would prefer that I wait. Why? I would ask. They said it was in my best interest. So, as life went on around me, I got a job at the local restaurant when I was twenty. It was my first job, and I loved it! I was the hostess, the manager said I had the eyes for it. I always wondered what my eyes had to do with being hostess, but I guess he knew what he was talking about. I worked four nights a week and they were mainly the end of the week. On my days off, I would read the latest novel and just be lazy. I never spent a lot of time with my parents from the time I was about twenty up to the time that they died. They wanted me around, but were never around themselves. I always found it odd, I guess it explains a lot later.

After working at the restaurant for eight months, the manager said he needed someone to run the night shift, and wanted to know if I thought I could handle it. I was already doing most of it now. I accepted it, and worked almost seven days a week for the next year. I opened up a savings account, and called it my Pacific account. It was eventually going to get me out of this rat hole town.

I had a pretty good amount in my savings after that year. I also got promoted to district night manager. It was amazing, I was doing so well. I bought my first car, and was actually looking at an apartment closer to work, and that’s when things started happening. Mom got sick first. It started with a cough, and then the cough got worse, which lead to pneumonia. She was in and out of the hospital for the next year. The doctors tried everything and couldn’t find anything to make it go away. Dad came down with it next and after trying to juggle a full time job and caring for my parents, I had to give up the job I loved so much. They were both sick for the next year and a half or so.

On my twenty fifth birthday, I woke up, and the house was still and quiet. There was no smell of fresh coffee brewing like normal. No news on the television in the living room. It was deathly quiet. I rolled out of bed, and put my bare feet on the wood floor, and threw a robe over my nightgown, and walked through the house. It was still, to still. I knocked on my parent’s door. No answer. I could hear the small beep of their alarm through the door. I knocked again, and then turned the handle.

They were both lying on the bed. Eyes closed. It looked like they were sleeping. The only problem was that they were white, to white. Their chests did not rise and fall with the breath, that should have been there. I stood there. I expected them to reach over and turn the alarm off. I don’t know how long I stood there, finally I went to the bedside table, and turned the beep of the alarm off, and picked up the phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

The paramedics arrived rather quickly. They pronounced them dead at the scene, and called in the coroner. Tom came out, and told me, that he would be as gentle as possible with them. I left the house while they removed the bodies. I came back a few hours later, and started taking care of all the arrangements. I got in touch with family and friends, and arranged the funeral, and the viewing. My parents were well prepared, they had a life insurance policy set up, and had already bought side by side plots in the cemetery around the corner. I buried them a few days later. The funeral seemed to go on forever. I went back to the little white house, and there was an envelope taped to the door, with my name carefully handwritten in blue ink. I pulled it off, and carried it inside with all of the other correspondence out of the mailbox. Tossed it all on the counter in the kitchen, and walked into my room for the last twenty five years of my life, and looked around. It hadn’t changed much. Something in the back of my mind clicked. I went over to my wall, and starting ripping all the pictures, and cards, and dried flowers off and throwing them across the room to the little garbage can. I ran my arm along the dresser top where little glass figurines of unicorns and teddy bears crashed to the wood floor. Tears sprang up in my green eyes. I ran my hand through my brown hair. I walked over to my bed, grabbed my white Chanel blanket, and a pillow, and walked into the spare bedroom, lay down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up several hours later. My head felt like there were tiny little men with big hammers banging on my skull. I crawled out of the full size bed, and walked down the hall past the closed door of my parent’s room, and into the rest of the house. I grabbed some ibuprofen out of the cabinet in the kitchen and walked to my room to clean up the crazy mess I had made earlier. I walked through the doorway, and had to stop.

Everything was back in place. My figurines were on the dresser, still in one piece. All of the stuff I threw in the garbage, was back on the walls. I stood there, trying to absorb the information my brain was trying to process. I know what I did. I still had a cut on my foot from stepping in the glass on the floor. I stood there, stock still.

A knock on the door, scared me out of my thoughts. Who would be knocking this late. I went to the front door, and opened it. There on the door, was another envelope, with my name on it, in the same blue ink.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter inside:

Dearest Callie,

I am writing to you today, because your parents have passed on from this world and into their next life. I need to talk with you about their will. I know that you are an only child, but there are things that need to be told. Some of them are about the care and upkeep of the house. Please be at my office by 10:00 a.m. in the morning. The address is listed below.

Sincerely,

K

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I grabbed my blanket from the spare room and went to sleep on the couch, and set my phone alarm to wake me up at 8:00 a.m. It was time some questions got answered. One of them being my room. I know what I did. There was no explanation for any of it. None.

(to be continued)

I watched as the storm grew out at sea. It had been a year since Lucas had died in the horrible ferry accident. I had found myself and moved on, and back home to the sea, I missed it to much. The dreams I had were just that…..dreams. I saw him in my dreams all the time, so it was almost like he had never even left. The first several months were the hardest. His family was around for the first few months, always calling and checking on me. That stopped though, there were no grandchildren, so no real reason for them to hang onto me. My family was still quite supportive, always coming in and seeing me, especially since the breakdown.

I had been living in the cabin for about six months when it happened. I started seeing things. I thought that Lucas had come to me. He told me he had been abducted. I laugh it off now. They, meaning my family, thought it best that I move back home, I refused, of course. Well, then it happened, I freaked out. Mom said I was telling her that I was locked in, and could not get out, so she drove up, and discovered I had nailed all the doors and windows shut, I put boards over everything, screaming that they were watching me, and that they were coming for me. She finally had it. Called the police, and I ended up in a psychiatric ward for about 3 months. The doctor’s name was Marcus and he had eyes very similar to Lucas’, at first I would call him Lucas, and he would have to correct me. Little slap on the wrist and a shot of feel good, and well, I eventually got better. I don’t remember a lot about my time there. Mom said they kept me pretty much ‘high’ the time I was there, till about the last two weeks of my stay. That is when the dreaming subsided, for a while. I still have the dreams, sometimes they are good…other times they are pretty scary. I don’t tell my psychiatrist about the bad ones; otherwise they may admit me again. So, I just take my medicine and go on about my day, as normal. Occasionally, I still get an email or some small something in the mail. I still know they watch. I still know they are there. But they don’t bother me any more….they just check on me, and keep me dreaming.

It’s hard to live in a Dreamer’s reality, when they control the factors. The Dreamer’s are special people, they make you want the things you can’t have, and give you all the things you need. Then one day, they take it all away, and send you back to life, confused and hurting. Leaving a heavy mark and an empty burden on your shoulders. You constantly want to be one of them, so that you can make dreams come true….but they only allow a select few to join their ranks. Lucas is a lucky man, he got to move on into their world, and leave this dull life behind. It’s a whole new thing for me to sleep at night. I truly hope for Sweet Dreams and pleasant nightmares…then I know they are with me, and I am not alone.

The End

Sitting here, I got a letter in the mail today. It’s from my lawyer. My date has been set. October 17th, 2008. My divorce will be finalized. I am happy about this, and yet a little disturbed by it too. Yeah…that just came out of my mouth. See, I still car for my ex, and we are friends still. It makes me question what I might have done differently. Why did he leave me, was I a bad person? Did I do so much wrong, that he didn’t want to be with me. I worked, took care of the kids, gave him what he wanted, when he wanted it. Yet, I still wasn’t what he needed. I heard a song, just a few minutes ago. Kelli Picklers ‘Didn’t you know how much I loved you’, it prompted this mess of a blog.

So, I am not in love with him anymore. After all the craziness I have been through over the past 8 or so years I could never be in love with him again. I think it is more that I gave and gave, and what did I get in return? Heartache….Loss of my innocence….Loss of the one thing I thought would be forever….15 years of my life was devoted to this man, and he rubbed it off like water off his skin. I think that is what hurts the most, he left me, because she was coming into town and he wanted to see her. He wanted to be with her. Then when it didn’t happen, he thought he could just come back to me….No…I got tired of it, I deserve better. But it still makes it weird, that I am signing away almost 16 years of marriage on the 17th of October.

So this song brought this on.

I remember the way you made love to me

Like I was all you’d ever need

Did you change your mind

Well I didn’t change mine

Now here I am trying to make sense of it all

We were best friends now we don’t even talk

You broke my heart

Ripped my world apart

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

I can’t get you out of my head

I still feel you in this bed

Left me all alone

You couldn’t be more gone

From falling apart to fighting mad

From wanting you back to not giving a damn

I’ve felt it all

I’ve been to the wall

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you

And I’ll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

I gave you everything, every part of me

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

The atmosphere inside the log cabin deepened. A wall of tension seemed to encircle us. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise, I could feel the goose bumps run down my arms, and I could almost feel the beat of Lucas’ heart. He seemed distant and lost in thought, even though he looked me straight in the eye, and began his story.

“I pulled the Mercedes over to the side of the road, behind a blue Volvo that had it’s emergency flashers on. You know how helpful I always try to be Sam, and this was no different. I stepped out of the Mercedes, and I could almost feel a change in the air. The presence seemed to hover around me, I can’t really explain it, almost an ominous cloud of sorts. I walked up to the passenger side door, and took a look inside. There was a man in the driver’s seat, just sitting there. He saw me through the window and began to get out of the car. He greeted me nonchalantly, and nodded his head at me. I asked him if he needed any help. He said he did, and made his way around the car to my side, where he put his hand out for me to shake. That’s when it happened, the world tilted, I felt like everything was spinning, and then blackness.

When I came to, I was in a white room, nothing but a metal chair in the middle of the room. The walls were seamless, nothing but darkness above me, it’s like there wasn’t a ceiling. I woke up on the padded floor. My head felt like it had a ton of bricks in it. My tongue felt like sandpaper, and my throat felt like desert sand. I lay there for a minute, and then realized that I wasn’t in my clothes, that I was in a pair of white cotton pants, kinds like sweats. Sam, you have to believe me in this, I know you think I am off my rocker and lying to you, but I am not. Please just hang in there.” Lucas looked at me with pleading eyes. I had apparently started looking at him like he was wearing bright pink feathered pajamas and had four heads. I tucked my doubting side away, and tried to put on my ‘i believe you’ face, so that he could continue. Then, I thought about his description of the room he was in. I shot up off the couch, and brought my hand up to my forehead and ran it through my hair. It was Lucas’ turn to look at me strange.

My dream from last night. The clear room, with the endless ceiling and the chair. This couldn’t be just a coincidence. I looked at Lucas again, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. Only syllables coming out, not able to form words.

(to be continued)

Howdy ya’ll!

Well it’s Tuesday and I really wish it was Friday!! I thought my crud was going away, but it decided to come back for a second round and kick my butt. I am actually craving honey lemon tea…WTF is that about??? They have lemon tea up here at work…but no honey

Okay…so I have been given a mission. It should be really simple…but it seems really hard..LOL…I have to get together some pics of things that are important to me. Simple right? Well, I got to thinking about this on the way to work this morning. What is really important to me? Well, there are the fundamental importants: Family, Friends, and my Cat. What else is important to me…the more I think about it…the harder it gets. I mean I think all kinds of things are important, but what means the most to me? So, as I am driving in today, I think about it, and it all seems like trivial things to me…. Example: photography – it’s an important part of my life, I like to try and imagine the world as others see it. So when I take a picture, I think…how would someone else look a this, what would they see. So it is important to me, because it allows me to open up my eyes. How do I capture that importance…I could just take pictures, but I don’t know that that would do it justice..LMAO. Then there are the little things…like reading, and writing, and my collectibles…I really thought this should be easy…how do I make it easy? LOL…maybe I am just looking to deeply? Maybe I just need to close my eyes and focus…

Well in the long run, I will let you guys and gals know what is up with the project and keep you informed. I have blogging material again!! Sweet!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

What makes me angry? Do you really want to know? Let’s see…There are women in this world that give women like me a bad wrap before men even get to talk to me. How do I explain? The women out there who screw over the ones they love, loved, did love, have loved, never loved, just screwed…whatever…go around behind their ‘loved’ones back and do some crazy things. Messing with their hearts, getting all psycho by running off with other men, messing with a guys feelings because they can, or messing with things that aren’t even theirs just to try and get some ‘revenge’!!! For what…because he loved you? Because he gave everything he had for you? Because all he wanted was to be yours and to live the rest of his life for youand with you? Why do women have to go off and screw around on their men, and then act like he is the one who did something wrong? Women like that give women like me a bad name!!! I am a good woman. I never cheated on my ex while we were together. I never went on a vengeful rampage to mess upthe stuff that he had. I didn’t withhold stuff or try to turn his friends against him. Why do some people act all insane like that. It just irks me to know that some women out there have the gall to do it. Then try to turn it back on the guy. I know that some women are probably going to look at this and think that I am on crack, for supporting the guys here…it’s not that I am supporting the guy…it’s that I am not supporting the crazy women out there that just don’t know how to treat the men in their lives. It really just makes me angry. No I am not some submissive little girl who wants to fill her man full of praise for nothing…but I am a woman who when she loves the man she is with, will support him mentally, and sometimes physically if need be, but I am not the kind of woman who walks all over a man…that isn’t right.

I probably need to stop now, before I venture into uncharted territory and really go off. Guys if you read this…all women are not alike, there are still some of us good ones left. Girls, treat your men like you want to be treated. If you love them, love them. If you don’t, then just walk away and leave them in one piece, don’t tear them up so that someone like me has to try and put them back together.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty