Posts Tagged ‘work’

Evening all!

Well, sitting here at work, and figured I would just pass the time…

So, I finished reading a book the other day, it’s called The Shack. It’s an incredible book, and really opened up my eyes, and enlightened me. It was pointed out to me by a friend, and my aunt gave me a copy, so I figured this was a way for Him to tell me I needed to read it. And WOW, it was amazing. I won’t go into details, but if you have ever had a time when you thought that God had abandoned you, this book will help you through that. So, if you get the oppurtunity, give it a try, it really is an awesome book .

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Evening ya’ll

Just sitting here, listening to Sugarland “What I’d Give”, and thinking about… Mmmm

I am sooo in a strange place today.  I feel so…I don’t know…

My mind has been on him lately…alot…I think that’s why I ain’t sleeping…cuz my mind is wandering back… I think about it all, and I just have to sigh… Love makes us do some things that sometimes, we just look back on, and say…Wow…can I do that again..

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Well, it’s been an interesting week this week so far…..

I have had my mental capacities and my emotional capacities stretched…and well I went off…

Yep…I did, and I feel a little better for it…kinda…it is still a little irritating when I think about it…but oh well, what can ya do…

So, I sit here, and I wonder will this week get better, or am I in for one of those shocking moments that will piss me off?  I hate waiting for stuff to happen, when you know that it’s supposed to, and it doesn’t…that is quite irritating…but I will just continue to hold my breath, and wait.

Cryptic much?  Yep, I am tonight

On another note…I have been feeling kinda ballsy lately, and scared to death that I might actually overstep my boundaries.  This could be bad…this could also be good.  But you know me, I won’t say anything about anything, if I feel like it will hurt me in the end…so…ballsy or not, I will avoid the subjects that I really wanna talk about, because…it was pointed out to me…it ‘embarrasses’ me.  It’s not embarrassment, it’s the fear of rejection and hearing the things I don’t want to hear…If I broach the subject, then I have to deal with whatever is said, and I can’t handle the negativity that may come from it….So..I avoid it..as much as possible….

Yeah…that doesn’t sound nice at all…I really shouldn’t avoid anything…that just causes bad things to happen in the end…I should have learned from this…from previous avoidances…one day I will learn three things…

1. Don’t argue with him…LOL

2. Don’t avoid the stuff you know you will have to face one day…

3. Love is what it is…and can’t be changed…no matter how hard you try…

So, that being said….

I think that I will eventually broach the subject with him, and see if he can talk to me about it, without changing the subject, and me get through it without stammering and stuttering..so that I can actually put it all out there, and learn for better or worse…what I need to know…

I know deep inside what will be said…but I just can’t bring myself to accept it…til I hear it…I think that is why I avoid it.  Maybe, I am wrong…I don’t think so though…There are so many things that work against me, with this…Time, Distance, and well ….his heart…

Oh well, I guess I should probably just go to bed…so that I don’t start crying thinking about all the things I want to hear and never will….

So, I put it out here…for all to see…and hopefully I will learn from it as well…when I look back on it all…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Evening all….

As the day has progressed, I have come into a case of the flumps .

I am not sure how I got here…just that I am here. I think it stems from my weekend dreams…when I actually had time to dream. This weekend was a very restless weekend. Friday night I crawled in bed and watched the Notebook, as mentioned previously, which in turn brings tears to my eyes…that movie never fails to make me cry. Well, of course that lead to those dreams that I didn’t want to have, but happened anyways. I haven’t had a dream about him in over a week. Well then I was up half the night, and couldn’t sleep in. Saturday/Sunday night I had a hard time sleeping as well. Again he was there in my dreams…not like before, it was like seeing him through a haze…never talking…never touching. I just knew that he was there. Last night, same thing, I was awake more often than not, and every time I woke up, my blankets were somewhere different, the only thing that stayed in place was the blanket he gave me.

Seems like I wandered into my flumps. Today seems to just be dragging by, and I look around and I don’t see what I want to see anymore. I see what is here. I am using some of my creative talents, but I am soo not happy with the end product. I guess as an artist, I am allowed to be my own critic as well? We are our own worst critics…. So, I am learning to accept the things that are said about things I do, and try to make an improvement. So, I have a learning curve to go through

So, here I am…thinking about him. Wondering what is going through his head. I am sure that he reads some of these things, and wonders why i am not on some sort of medication…LOL My blogs change like the seasons in fast forward. I amaze myself sometimes when I go back and read them. I wonder sometimes what was going through my mind to make me write this stuff, after I read it, a few weeks or months later. I guess it’s a good thing that I write some of this down. It acts like an outlet, it gives me the chance to release the pent up stuff.

I would probably explode if I had to just carry it all around inside. I think about some of the things that are said to me, and what gets me all worked up in a bad way, and then I multiply that times 100 because that seems to be the intensity that occurs, and yep you would have Kitty Volcano.

I guess I need to wrap this one up…Not that I want to, but I do kinda need to get some work done. I think that is another issue. I love my job…I really do..I just don’t like the schedule….Oh well, it pays the bills, most of the time…

Well, I am outta here for the time being. I will see ya’ll again shortly, I am sure. Don’t forget to check out my stories !!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Sigh

Laying here in bed…warm and cozy…all I am missing is the perfect person to be laying beside me…with less electronic stuff hanging out all over…I got laptop, and two cell phones….ugh…

I was asked the other day….maybe I shouldn’t go into it…maybe I should just leave it alone…

Hmmm

What the hell…won’t do any harm…

So, I had someone ask me. What do I look for in a guy and what do I want from a realtionship. Now…normally when someone asks me this, I am assuming they are wanting to know…because they are interested…not the case. We just happened to be discussing relationships..he is happily married, and we work together..I think he is trying to fix me up…LMAO.

So, I thought about this…

What am I looking for in a guy. There are a few main things, I guess. He has to be trustworthy and faithful. He has to accept me for who I am..as a whole…all my faults and imperfections included. He has to realize that if you love me…you love my kids…that is a package deal..LMAO. The smaller things…I love to laugh and play…so he needs to be playful and have a great sense of humor. I love to talk…so communication is actually a big thing. If we can’t communicate..then why bother…right? I think that having the same interest that I do would be a plus…we can’t be complete opposites…that would cause activities to be kinda strange..LOL…some sensitivity is good…but don’t be all frou frou…There is more…but they are small little things that are more of a perk than a want…

What do I want from a relationship? I think this is one of the hardest questions to answer. I was in a relationship for almost 17 years. So…I look at that…and I take the stuff that was positive and pull it into what I want to have. I take the negative and push it away so that I know that is something that can break up a relationship. So…let’s see…

I think the main thing that I want from a relationship is for it to be about all of us. Not just him..not just me..but everyone involved. So…having said that..I have to say…that I don’t want to be the one that sacrifices my all for him, and I don’t want him sacrificing his all for me. It should be like a team. We should go into a relationship together, share everything. From bills, to chores…to love. A relationship is a two way street. You both have to work together, to make everything work. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of finance. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of keeping the house clean. Don’t let one person determine what happens in the bedroom. It should be a team effort. It should be a partnership…isn’t that what love is all about. Finding the one person who completes you? The cinnamon to your apple….the crust to your pie filling…the jelly to your peanut butter. Well, you get the idea…LOL

Besides team work in a relationship..I think there needs to be the understanding, that not everyone is perfect..even after lots of years together. I think there needs to be communication, without communication, a relationship will go nowhere…

I always thought to myself that if I thought about something hard enough that the person I was thinking about would just know what I wanted. Then I learned the real truth….you have to open your mouth and speak for the other person to know what’s going on. I wholeheartedly believe, that even if it’s something bad, and that you fear that you may lose that person over it…it’s best to talk it over and face the consequences, than to hold it in and hope they don’t find out. Communication can make or break a relationship, as I said earlier.

What else do I want from a relationship..just knowing that someone out there is thinking about me, and loving me…for who I am, and for all the wonderful things I can bring into his life. Knowing that when we need someone…we are there for each other. Knowing that we share the happiness that love can bring and all the joy it can bring. Knowing that when we close our eyes at night, we are not alone…our hearts beat together under the same moon.

What do I want from a relationship…Love, Faith, Happiness, and the ability to share it with the one I love…everyday of my life.

It’s not about him…It’s not about me…It’s about US!!

So…there is a glimpse into the part of my mind that carries my heart. When I love…I love. It doesn’t just turn off and on. It doesn’t just blow away in the wind. I WILL give my all to the one I love…I just want someone who will give back to me…

Hope you have a wonderful night…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Don’t you just love the people with the ‘Holier than though’ attitude? They take this attitude and jsut shove it at you. They take this attitude and rub you the wrong way with it. That irks me! You are not superior to me. The only thing in this world superior to me is God!

Please don’t try to patronize me. Please don’t try to tell me you are just doing your job. Please don’t sit there and be all ‘superior’ with me, then turn around and act like it’s a joke.

I really am worked up about this, and I apologize, but it is very frustrating when people push it at you. It’s coming from everywhere, and I hate it. We are equals, all of us! No one of us is better than the other. No one of us is more powerful than the other. It is about equality.

I apologize ya’ll. This is a rant, and it is over for the moment. I wish that I could go into greater detail, but I can’t.

See ya’ll later!

Kitty

I sat there, just a little nervous. What in the nine hells was this guy thinking? Just randomly walk up to someone and offer to hang out? Just a little weird in my book.

“So,” he said, “I don’t see any groceries melting out here in the back of your truck. Why are you here?” He looked at me with his heart stopping smile.

“Well, I came to get a new pair of flip flops and a new bathing suit. Mine had an accident at the river last weekend.” I blushed.

“Your suit had an accident at the river? How does one’s suit have an accident?” Again the smile.

I looked away still a soft shade of pink, “Well, when one is floating down the river in an open bottomed inner tube and the water gets a little shallow and the rocks are a little rough…One tends to wear the ass out of her suit…therefore getting a hole and mooning everyone on the way out of the river.” I was scarlet by the time I finished. Why in the world was I telling this to some random guy I met in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart?

“Really now?” He was suppressing a laugh, I could tell. “So, did you find what you were looking for?”

“Not really, I was getting fed up with their selection and was just considering cutoffs and my bikini top for the next outing. The boys would get a kick out of that.” I smiled back.

“So, you have a boyfriend?” He asked, and I was thinking, boy does he have balls.

“Actually, no. I have a group of friends I hang with every other weekend. We go to the river, and hangout, be lazy, enjoy the sun. You know…that kind of stuff. I usually get the truck dirty playing in the mud and work my hiney off trying to get it all clean for work on Monday.”

He looked at me, and there was something in his eyes. I couldn’t quite place it. “Wow, tubing and mudding. Interesting.”

My cell phone rang, and I answered, not even looking at the caller id. “Hello. Yes it is. Well, then why have I been sitting here, if you’re just going to take the info over the phone. Yes. It’s a 1987 Chevy Truck. Blue and Grey two tone. Yes a 6 inch scratch along the back bumper. No, no dents. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you, goodbye.” I jumped up off the tailgate, and stomped around, spitting every cuss word I could think of, out of my mouth. “Great I spent two hours here, and missed the river trip. Damnit!”

Josh watched this, and just sat there on the tailgate of the truck. “You know, we could always hang out, if you wanted.”

I stopped my tirade and just gawked at him.

(more to come)

I am bored…and upset. Why am I bored? Cuz I am sitting here at work and can’t do anything that I really wanna do. I hate my schedule and the kids hate it too. I have some personal things going on, that are more irritating than anything else. Irritation makes me cranky..which gets me upset. I am waiting for confirmations of dates, so that plans can be made, and not getting a whole lot of anywhere… There is more crankiness… So…where do I go…well I would normally go here…but that is becoming a problem as well…So…what now?

I guess I just bottle it all up…then someone will just push the wrong button one of these days and then “BAM” I lose my temper and the universe collapses…..

So…that is my rant for the day. Hope you enjoyed it!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Morning! Well, I am sitting here…supposed to be trying to sleep. Guess what? I got stuff on my brain, it’s not letting me sleep….

I have worries…I have hopes…I have wishes…I have stresses…I have love…I have dislike…. All of that all rolled up…keeps me up. It’s amazing how something so out of the reach of your touch and feel, and power can cause such stress and hope. Its odd…I have so much to be thankful for in my life, and so much to give…except for when someone needs it. I can’t give them what they really need to make things work. I would give them my all…everything they asked for…. I can’t though…It is sooo frustrating to me. All I can really do, is just offer to be there for them, mentally and emotionally. Physically is damn near impossible..and monetarily…well it’s a struggle for me…but if I had it..I would give it…. Is it strange to be that way with someone…and not know…. I guess maybe the fact that I hold those I love close to me, whether physically or not, enables me to want to be there for them…however I can….

It brings tears to my eyes when I can’t be there to help, when I am stuck and can’t do things to help relieve the pain and frustration and stress. I know how frustrating it is to want someone to just turn to, and just let them help….and them not be there. It’s quite frustrating….

Sometimes I think that I care outside of my abilities. Yeah…that makes no sense to me either….This is when I know that I am tired…I think at this point I am going to say good night…if I go any further I may short out my keyboard…….

Love, Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

So, I was driving home last night…and had a bout of emotional drainage. What you may ask is ‘emotional drainage’? Well, I kinda look at it like this.

You get a cold and your head gets all stopped up, well sometimes you have to blow your nose, cuz it will get runny, or you get drainage down the back of your throat that causes irritation…we have all been here…right?

Well, emotional drainage, is where you hold things in, or you push things away and deny those things. It’s where you just bottle up, or avoid the emotional aspects of life as much as possible. Well sometimes, if you don’t get the oppurtunity to relieve some of that emotional pressure, you get emotional drainage, which causes your eyes to leak.

In laymans terms….I cried on the way home last night. I was driving along…and I had one of those thoughts that cross your mind. And the tears started flowing…

I really wish I could prevent these things in critical circumstances like driving…but I think its the fact that on the way to and from work…I am truly all alone and have the time to think. Which I have determined can be bad. I think that is the reason I try to talk to people on the way home. I don’t have to face the thoughts that are rolling around in my head, and if I am talking to someone, then I am not thinking about those things that make me cry….Make sense?

Well, I guess I need to just try to prime emotions to let loose on a more convenient time period. Like at home in bed…when tears that blur my vision won’t cause me to wreck.

Well, as usual, thanks for hanging in there and reading. If you ever want to comment…shoot me an email! Kittyteaser@kittyteaser.org

Hugs and kisses,

Kitty