Posts Tagged ‘life’

Evening everyone!

Been a few since I took the time to blog.  So, this week has been kinda mild.  I have the blahs…just a little bit.  I am not feeling 100% good.  I have had the usual sleeping issues…but I just feel blah all over.

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So, I was sitting at home last night, and I got a phone call from a very good friend.  I thought she was calling just to BS with me and find out why I wasn’t at the meet on Saturday.

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It’s been a long week.  I am in a zone of…well…I don’t know.  You guys have been through this with me…

I have officially made a blogging list of songs.  The songs that help me to write.  Maybe it will help me with my stories…eventually I will get back to them.  I am also going to be updating my Kitty’s WoW page as well.  Stay tuned for that.

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Howdy ya’ll!

So, I had this crazy dream Friday night.  As you all know, I have someone in my life that I love.  He is amazing!  He just doesn’t realize how amazing he really is.  Sometimes, I sit back and review all my feelings, and I (and this sounds bad) try to find a reason not to love him.  You may ask…why?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know.  Maybe I am just concerned about my subconscious and what it’s trying to tell me.

So, this dream…

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So, this has been a crazy week. I am tired, but not sleepy. I am stressed, but nothing I can’t handle or deal with, as I normally do. I am frustrated, but hey what’s new? You guys and gals, that read these, have seen the many sides of me, and the many moods. I have gone from angry to happy to sad to forgotten. I range through all the emotions. Lately, I am a little confused at how I feel. The normal feelings are there, but they are intermixed with this other feeling, I can’t quite identify. It’s a little bit happy and optomistic, and yet estranged and lacking in exuberance. Could it be acceptance? Could it be full blown ‘whatever’ syndrome? I haven’t been in a really sad place in a while. I have been up here *raises hand up to eye level* and it seems to be sticking. many of my friends would look at me, and ask…are you on drugs??

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Or…. “I blog therefore I am” LOL…  So I got this shirt for Christmas or a birthday, I don’t remember..LOL

I truly love this shirt!  It causes people to stop and look, and be like…WTH?  So, I figured I would talk about blogging for a change…in my blog….hmmm…

So, I blog, because I can share with you my feelings and thoughts, emotions, dreams, longings and my heart

I love writing, and if I couldn’t write, I might possibly go insane!  I am a creative being and love to share my creativity with the world!!  I really wish I had more people reading my blogs and telling me how uber crazy I am….

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So, I love the band Sugarland! Jennifer Nettles is awesome, and has such a fantastic voice. Most of their songs bring to mind someone in my life this one is one of those…It reminds me of him…sometimes….:) Especially so over the past couple of weeks…

Always end up right where we start
Cause I got time on my hands and hope in my heart
We both understand we weren’t meant to be apart

April showers bring May flowers
I have seen rain before
But if Sunday morning lets that sun in
What are we waiting for
Cause love leaves an open door

If I had one wish I’d wish for two
One for me, baby, and one for you
And it would find you right where you are
With time on your hands and hope in your heart
We both understand we were written in the stars

April showers bring May flowers
I have seen rain before
But if Sunday morning lets that sun in
What are we waiting for
Cause love leaves an open door

It’s worth all the cost
Till I find what I lost in your eyes
And you realize

April showers bring May flowers
I have seen rain before
But if Sunday morning lets that sun in
What are we waiting for
Cause love leaves an open
Wishing and hoping
Love leaves an open

I just want to look into your eyes

I just want to feel your touch

I want to hear you sigh

As I look deep into your eyes

What holds us apart

Could bring us together

What holds us together

Could tear us apart

I just want to look into your eyes

I want to see myself there

I just want to look into your eyes

I want to feel you there

At my side

Through Time, Space, and Life

I want you there

Through heaven and hell

I want you there

I want to look into your eyes….

And see us…

Wow….It’s amazing how someone can just tell you how you felt.  Like they were there inside your head and heart!

How can someone just come out and say they know that it wasn’t love back then…that it was just for the ‘great sex’…  Honey, I don’t know what love is to you, but when I love, it isn’t because the sex was great…it isn’t because it was ‘convenient’.  In my case, it was because I actually loved you.  Key word there is LOVED!  Geez…I want to try and stay civil and be friends…you know this…and yet, you sit there and tell me how I felt.  All because you think that I love him more, than I ever loved you.  Well, so what!  Maybe I do…why does it matter?

I loved you then…I love him now…People change, we grow up, we grow out of the past loves, and into new loves.  Some people are lucky enough to actually love one person for all of their relationship and life together.  Some people are lucky enough to experience that love that just strikes them from above and nothing else matters.

I can’t say that it hurts me to hear you say that you didn’t think I loved you.  It angers me to hear it, because it makes it seem like that was what it was for you.  I spent 16 years of my life with you, completely and utterly devoted to making you as happy as I possibly could, and trying to make ends meet, and to keep the kids as happy as possible.  And you sit there and say that I was in it just for the great sex, when that’s what I think it was for you….

So, go ahead and believe what you will, and say what you will.  Only I know how I really felt, you weren’t there in my head, or in my heart…while I lay there night after night after you left, trying to figure out why my love failed on you…you weren’t there to watch me cry myself to sleep, and to curl myself into a ball, and wonder what SHE had that I didn’t.  You weren’t there while I slumped into the nether regions of hell.  Yeah…I didn’t love you at all…

Kitty

I had a friend tell me the other day, that from reading my past blogs, it seems that I love someone else, more than I ever loved my ex.

This to me seems like a strange observance. Why? Well, for one, they can’t possibly know how I felt at any one point in time about my ex, or the current person I want in my life. No one can possibly know my feelings, they are mine.

That being said, I look back, and I try to go over the way I used to feel, and compare it to the way I feel now.

I have thought about it alot, and I have come to one conclusion, and whether you all want to hear it or not…here it is.

I do love him more, but not because I loved my ex less. It’s because of the way he makes me feel when I am around him, or when I talk to him. This is completely silly of me, and I may well regret this in the end, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

When I am around him, it’s like all my senses are on overload. Whether he is just smiling at me, or laughing at something stupid I did. To leaning over and looking over my shoulder, to even the slightest touch. It is different for me. I have never been around someone that makes me feel like this.

This is insane that I am justifying myself, because of what someone thinks. I think I need to do this for myself as well. Maybe it will help me to understand better what it is that I love about this man.

So, let us look at that for a moment..

What do I love about him:

1. He is an amazing person in general. Always wanting to help others where he can.

2. He makes me laugh, and can bring me up when I am down.

3. He has this aura about him, that just sings.

4. He isn’t afraid of anything, and makes you feel secure when you are around him.

5. He has a gentle hand and a warm heart, when he shows it.

6. He has brilliant blue eyes and a cute dimpled smile.

7. He has been there for me and lent a helping hand.

I could go on…really. But I won’t bore you.

So, do I love him more…yes.

But not because I loved my ex any less when we were together.

I can’t really justify the difference. I loved my ex in the past….and that is where that love will lay. I can’t say that I don’t have some little place in my heart that belongs to him. He was my first everything. So, he still has a place in my heart for that.

The man I want now…well he is in the part of my heart that my family and friends don’t occupy. Which is a pretty good chunk of it. If he only knew….

Well, friends, I think I am going to end it here for the moment. Maybe one day I will dwell here again…maybe with a bit more openness.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty