Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Sitting here, I got a letter in the mail today. It’s from my lawyer. My date has been set. October 17th, 2008. My divorce will be finalized. I am happy about this, and yet a little disturbed by it too. Yeah…that just came out of my mouth. See, I still car for my ex, and we are friends still. It makes me question what I might have done differently. Why did he leave me, was I a bad person? Did I do so much wrong, that he didn’t want to be with me. I worked, took care of the kids, gave him what he wanted, when he wanted it. Yet, I still wasn’t what he needed. I heard a song, just a few minutes ago. Kelli Picklers ‘Didn’t you know how much I loved you’, it prompted this mess of a blog.

So, I am not in love with him anymore. After all the craziness I have been through over the past 8 or so years I could never be in love with him again. I think it is more that I gave and gave, and what did I get in return? Heartache….Loss of my innocence….Loss of the one thing I thought would be forever….15 years of my life was devoted to this man, and he rubbed it off like water off his skin. I think that is what hurts the most, he left me, because she was coming into town and he wanted to see her. He wanted to be with her. Then when it didn’t happen, he thought he could just come back to me….No…I got tired of it, I deserve better. But it still makes it weird, that I am signing away almost 16 years of marriage on the 17th of October.

So this song brought this on.

I remember the way you made love to me

Like I was all you’d ever need

Did you change your mind

Well I didn’t change mine

Now here I am trying to make sense of it all

We were best friends now we don’t even talk

You broke my heart

Ripped my world apart

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

I can’t get you out of my head

I still feel you in this bed

Left me all alone

You couldn’t be more gone

From falling apart to fighting mad

From wanting you back to not giving a damn

I’ve felt it all

I’ve been to the wall

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you

And I’ll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

I gave you everything, every part of me

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Ever wanna just say screw it?

Yep…been there…done that…I am back…LMAO

So, I have had a weird and rather stressful couple of weeks. I am blustering through them the best I can, and trying to keep my cool about it. It gives me time to think back on what has happened to me over the past couple of years to get me to the here and now. I have dealt with hope, loss, faith, love, heartbreak, loss of innocence, and regaining control. I still struggle with it all. I still want to fight against all the wrongs and all the things that have made me cry. I know that not everything can be fought, we are here on this earth for a reason, and we are lead down paths that take us places we need to be. We usually end up there with people we want to be. Then for some reason, that path diverts, and we go someplace new, and a new person is set out to walk that path with us. It may be our closest friend, or it may be a total stranger that we haven’t met yet. Once we are on that path, we have a choice. Either follow it and enjoy where we end up or hate it. Don’t follow it, and regret not knowing. The past few years have lead me down paths that I am glad that I didn’t divert from. Some of them I wish hadn’t ended, but that can’t be helped. My path with them ended and a new one is beginning. It is one that I currently walk alone, until my path partner is shown to me, but one that has to be walked. It will take me where I need to go, and when I get there…I know that in the end, all the trials and tribulations I went through will be worth it. Sometimes we have to walk through hell to see the gates of heaven.

Wow…that got kinda deep for me. I have had a lot on my mind…and I have been leary of just letting it all out there. Sometimes we think we are safe in out little cocoon, and realize that sometimes no matter what, someone really is watching…

So, as I sit here, I think. I always thought that love was eternal..apparently not, divorce papers will prove that. That hate is a strong word I don’t use often, but I think that I have a hatred growing inside me. Friends are gained and lost, some as easy as the flip of a coin…others we cling to, because they are all we know. We love and lose, and yet we can love again. We prepare ourselves for the loss of loved ones, and yet it still breaks our souls. We put out 110% and may only get acknowledged 10% of the time. Sometimes a well deserved pat on the back is never given. We stretch ourselves to emotional breaking points and all it takes is being stranded on a crowded airport sidewalk to make us breakdown and let it all go. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And sometimes…one year of love is better than a lifetime alone.

I think that we bring oursleves to the place where we need to be, instead of where we want to be, we are rewarded with what we want in the long run.

That is my philisophical mumble jumble for the week. I hope that it enlightens you and lets you realize that we are all just people, and sometimes it’s good to look at the past and realize we are where we are, because someone lead us to this path.

Hugs and kisses,
Kitty

P.S. I should have thought of a different title

Howdy ya’ll!

Well it’s Tuesday and I really wish it was Friday!! I thought my crud was going away, but it decided to come back for a second round and kick my butt. I am actually craving honey lemon tea…WTF is that about??? They have lemon tea up here at work…but no honey

Okay…so I have been given a mission. It should be really simple…but it seems really hard..LOL…I have to get together some pics of things that are important to me. Simple right? Well, I got to thinking about this on the way to work this morning. What is really important to me? Well, there are the fundamental importants: Family, Friends, and my Cat. What else is important to me…the more I think about it…the harder it gets. I mean I think all kinds of things are important, but what means the most to me? So, as I am driving in today, I think about it, and it all seems like trivial things to me…. Example: photography – it’s an important part of my life, I like to try and imagine the world as others see it. So when I take a picture, I think…how would someone else look a this, what would they see. So it is important to me, because it allows me to open up my eyes. How do I capture that importance…I could just take pictures, but I don’t know that that would do it justice..LMAO. Then there are the little things…like reading, and writing, and my collectibles…I really thought this should be easy…how do I make it easy? LOL…maybe I am just looking to deeply? Maybe I just need to close my eyes and focus…

Well in the long run, I will let you guys and gals know what is up with the project and keep you informed. I have blogging material again!! Sweet!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

What makes me angry? Do you really want to know? Let’s see…There are women in this world that give women like me a bad wrap before men even get to talk to me. How do I explain? The women out there who screw over the ones they love, loved, did love, have loved, never loved, just screwed…whatever…go around behind their ‘loved’ones back and do some crazy things. Messing with their hearts, getting all psycho by running off with other men, messing with a guys feelings because they can, or messing with things that aren’t even theirs just to try and get some ‘revenge’!!! For what…because he loved you? Because he gave everything he had for you? Because all he wanted was to be yours and to live the rest of his life for youand with you? Why do women have to go off and screw around on their men, and then act like he is the one who did something wrong? Women like that give women like me a bad name!!! I am a good woman. I never cheated on my ex while we were together. I never went on a vengeful rampage to mess upthe stuff that he had. I didn’t withhold stuff or try to turn his friends against him. Why do some people act all insane like that. It just irks me to know that some women out there have the gall to do it. Then try to turn it back on the guy. I know that some women are probably going to look at this and think that I am on crack, for supporting the guys here…it’s not that I am supporting the guy…it’s that I am not supporting the crazy women out there that just don’t know how to treat the men in their lives. It really just makes me angry. No I am not some submissive little girl who wants to fill her man full of praise for nothing…but I am a woman who when she loves the man she is with, will support him mentally, and sometimes physically if need be, but I am not the kind of woman who walks all over a man…that isn’t right.

I probably need to stop now, before I venture into uncharted territory and really go off. Guys if you read this…all women are not alike, there are still some of us good ones left. Girls, treat your men like you want to be treated. If you love them, love them. If you don’t, then just walk away and leave them in one piece, don’t tear them up so that someone like me has to try and put them back together.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty