Posts Tagged ‘friends’

So, I was sitting at home last night, and I got a phone call from a very good friend.  I thought she was calling just to BS with me and find out why I wasn’t at the meet on Saturday.

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Howdy ya’ll!

So, I had this crazy dream Friday night.  As you all know, I have someone in my life that I love.  He is amazing!  He just doesn’t realize how amazing he really is.  Sometimes, I sit back and review all my feelings, and I (and this sounds bad) try to find a reason not to love him.  You may ask…why?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know.  Maybe I am just concerned about my subconscious and what it’s trying to tell me.

So, this dream…

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So, this has been a crazy week. I am tired, but not sleepy. I am stressed, but nothing I can’t handle or deal with, as I normally do. I am frustrated, but hey what’s new? You guys and gals, that read these, have seen the many sides of me, and the many moods. I have gone from angry to happy to sad to forgotten. I range through all the emotions. Lately, I am a little confused at how I feel. The normal feelings are there, but they are intermixed with this other feeling, I can’t quite identify. It’s a little bit happy and optomistic, and yet estranged and lacking in exuberance. Could it be acceptance? Could it be full blown ‘whatever’ syndrome? I haven’t been in a really sad place in a while. I have been up here *raises hand up to eye level* and it seems to be sticking. many of my friends would look at me, and ask…are you on drugs??

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Wow….It’s amazing how someone can just tell you how you felt.  Like they were there inside your head and heart!

How can someone just come out and say they know that it wasn’t love back then…that it was just for the ‘great sex’…  Honey, I don’t know what love is to you, but when I love, it isn’t because the sex was great…it isn’t because it was ‘convenient’.  In my case, it was because I actually loved you.  Key word there is LOVED!  Geez…I want to try and stay civil and be friends…you know this…and yet, you sit there and tell me how I felt.  All because you think that I love him more, than I ever loved you.  Well, so what!  Maybe I do…why does it matter?

I loved you then…I love him now…People change, we grow up, we grow out of the past loves, and into new loves.  Some people are lucky enough to actually love one person for all of their relationship and life together.  Some people are lucky enough to experience that love that just strikes them from above and nothing else matters.

I can’t say that it hurts me to hear you say that you didn’t think I loved you.  It angers me to hear it, because it makes it seem like that was what it was for you.  I spent 16 years of my life with you, completely and utterly devoted to making you as happy as I possibly could, and trying to make ends meet, and to keep the kids as happy as possible.  And you sit there and say that I was in it just for the great sex, when that’s what I think it was for you….

So, go ahead and believe what you will, and say what you will.  Only I know how I really felt, you weren’t there in my head, or in my heart…while I lay there night after night after you left, trying to figure out why my love failed on you…you weren’t there to watch me cry myself to sleep, and to curl myself into a ball, and wonder what SHE had that I didn’t.  You weren’t there while I slumped into the nether regions of hell.  Yeah…I didn’t love you at all…

Kitty

Howdy ya’ll!

Well, I had a pretty good weekend…

Friday night I actually crawled in bed and watched a movie.  A movie I have seen before, but I love it!  One of my fave movies =)  I laid in bed and watched The Notebook.  This movie ALWAYS makes me cry.  It is such a perfect romance.  With love and loss, and finding love again…sigh….

Saturday I got up early and went and met up with a friend and washed the truck and made her all pretty, for the club meet.  Then we went to the meet, and got to see some really hot cars.  After that we went out to Firehouse Subs, and had dinner, then off to a friends house to get ready to go out.  We went to a Karaoke bar first, then ended up and a little hole in the wall place.  All in all it was a pretty fun evening.  Didn’t get home til very early this morning…I am exhausted.

Today we just hung out here at the house.  I am in the process of putting a video together for a friend on one of the forums.  Hope she likes it!

See ya’ll later!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I had a friend tell me the other day, that from reading my past blogs, it seems that I love someone else, more than I ever loved my ex.

This to me seems like a strange observance. Why? Well, for one, they can’t possibly know how I felt at any one point in time about my ex, or the current person I want in my life. No one can possibly know my feelings, they are mine.

That being said, I look back, and I try to go over the way I used to feel, and compare it to the way I feel now.

I have thought about it alot, and I have come to one conclusion, and whether you all want to hear it or not…here it is.

I do love him more, but not because I loved my ex less. It’s because of the way he makes me feel when I am around him, or when I talk to him. This is completely silly of me, and I may well regret this in the end, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

When I am around him, it’s like all my senses are on overload. Whether he is just smiling at me, or laughing at something stupid I did. To leaning over and looking over my shoulder, to even the slightest touch. It is different for me. I have never been around someone that makes me feel like this.

This is insane that I am justifying myself, because of what someone thinks. I think I need to do this for myself as well. Maybe it will help me to understand better what it is that I love about this man.

So, let us look at that for a moment..

What do I love about him:

1. He is an amazing person in general. Always wanting to help others where he can.

2. He makes me laugh, and can bring me up when I am down.

3. He has this aura about him, that just sings.

4. He isn’t afraid of anything, and makes you feel secure when you are around him.

5. He has a gentle hand and a warm heart, when he shows it.

6. He has brilliant blue eyes and a cute dimpled smile.

7. He has been there for me and lent a helping hand.

I could go on…really. But I won’t bore you.

So, do I love him more…yes.

But not because I loved my ex any less when we were together.

I can’t really justify the difference. I loved my ex in the past….and that is where that love will lay. I can’t say that I don’t have some little place in my heart that belongs to him. He was my first everything. So, he still has a place in my heart for that.

The man I want now…well he is in the part of my heart that my family and friends don’t occupy. Which is a pretty good chunk of it. If he only knew….

Well, friends, I think I am going to end it here for the moment. Maybe one day I will dwell here again…maybe with a bit more openness.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I sat there, just a little nervous. What in the nine hells was this guy thinking? Just randomly walk up to someone and offer to hang out? Just a little weird in my book.

“So,” he said, “I don’t see any groceries melting out here in the back of your truck. Why are you here?” He looked at me with his heart stopping smile.

“Well, I came to get a new pair of flip flops and a new bathing suit. Mine had an accident at the river last weekend.” I blushed.

“Your suit had an accident at the river? How does one’s suit have an accident?” Again the smile.

I looked away still a soft shade of pink, “Well, when one is floating down the river in an open bottomed inner tube and the water gets a little shallow and the rocks are a little rough…One tends to wear the ass out of her suit…therefore getting a hole and mooning everyone on the way out of the river.” I was scarlet by the time I finished. Why in the world was I telling this to some random guy I met in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart?

“Really now?” He was suppressing a laugh, I could tell. “So, did you find what you were looking for?”

“Not really, I was getting fed up with their selection and was just considering cutoffs and my bikini top for the next outing. The boys would get a kick out of that.” I smiled back.

“So, you have a boyfriend?” He asked, and I was thinking, boy does he have balls.

“Actually, no. I have a group of friends I hang with every other weekend. We go to the river, and hangout, be lazy, enjoy the sun. You know…that kind of stuff. I usually get the truck dirty playing in the mud and work my hiney off trying to get it all clean for work on Monday.”

He looked at me, and there was something in his eyes. I couldn’t quite place it. “Wow, tubing and mudding. Interesting.”

My cell phone rang, and I answered, not even looking at the caller id. “Hello. Yes it is. Well, then why have I been sitting here, if you’re just going to take the info over the phone. Yes. It’s a 1987 Chevy Truck. Blue and Grey two tone. Yes a 6 inch scratch along the back bumper. No, no dents. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you, goodbye.” I jumped up off the tailgate, and stomped around, spitting every cuss word I could think of, out of my mouth. “Great I spent two hours here, and missed the river trip. Damnit!”

Josh watched this, and just sat there on the tailgate of the truck. “You know, we could always hang out, if you wanted.”

I stopped my tirade and just gawked at him.

(more to come)

What does it truly mean when someone says…”Friends Forever”…

Friendship is very special to me. I chose my closest friends. I am willing to be anyone’s friend, I am just very picky about how close I get to some of those people who say they are my friends. I have been hurt, and stabbed in the back in the past. So, to gain my trust is a very precious thing not to take lightly. I sound like I am speaking highly of my friendship…I’m not really. Those of my friends that are truly my closest friends, know, that I will do anything within my power to help a friend. Anywhere from being that person they know they can talk to….to helping them move half way across the country.

Friendship should be treasured and handled with care. What would we do without friends? What would we do with out those in our lives that give us that shoulder to cry, that ear on the way home from work, or even that hug that we need? What would we do without those people in our lives that love to celebrate stupid things with us.

I have different levels of friendship. I have people in my life on all those levels. My dearest and closest friends are those I would do damn near anything for, and it goes all the way down to the friends that are there when you are just hanging out, and it’s polite to be friendly and talk. Yep…many levels in the world of my friends.

Why am I writing about this? Hell if I know! I just decided that I needed to talk about it…no clue why…

I do have to say this…there are a couple of my closest friends that I miss. One of them is in my life on a daily basis, but I can’t see or hug him, he is way to far away. Miss him like the dickens. There is one who lives 30 minutes from me, and in the last year I have seen her twice. I miss her everyday.

I have been looking at my life lately….I am sooo tired of missing my friends…but what can I do?

So, I am not going there tonight…I don’t need tears….not tonight…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I sit here in the dark considering what it will take to start a new life. My name is Callie. That isn’t short for anything, it’s just Callie. I have lived in the same place for the last thirty or so years. A white house with a white picket fence and blue shutters on the windows. It was the house my mom and dad built when they got married. It is one story, has three bedrooms, a formal dining area, a living room, and huge kitchen and three full baths. You would think they built it to house an army. It was just me and them though. Up until a few years ago, then it became just me.

So, let me tell you a little about me. I am thirty years old; I have no kids, never been married, and have no desire for either. I grew up an only child. My life was full of all the things I could have ever wanted. My parents weren’t rich, but they were well taken care of. They tried to give me everything I wanted. I wanted to grow up and live a life of solitude, on an island in the Pacific, away from this dumpy little town in Texas. Mom and Dad said that wasn’t an option, I needed to go to college, and make something of myself. So, I went, and I majored in nothing, and minored in everything. They finally got frustrated at putting money into school, and told me I could come back home to stay until I figured out what I wanted out of life. Again, I told them, a life of solitude on a quiet little Pacific island. Still, they said that they would prefer that I wait. Why? I would ask. They said it was in my best interest. So, as life went on around me, I got a job at the local restaurant when I was twenty. It was my first job, and I loved it! I was the hostess, the manager said I had the eyes for it. I always wondered what my eyes had to do with being hostess, but I guess he knew what he was talking about. I worked four nights a week and they were mainly the end of the week. On my days off, I would read the latest novel and just be lazy. I never spent a lot of time with my parents from the time I was about twenty up to the time that they died. They wanted me around, but were never around themselves. I always found it odd, I guess it explains a lot later.

After working at the restaurant for eight months, the manager said he needed someone to run the night shift, and wanted to know if I thought I could handle it. I was already doing most of it now. I accepted it, and worked almost seven days a week for the next year. I opened up a savings account, and called it my Pacific account. It was eventually going to get me out of this rat hole town.

I had a pretty good amount in my savings after that year. I also got promoted to district night manager. It was amazing, I was doing so well. I bought my first car, and was actually looking at an apartment closer to work, and that’s when things started happening. Mom got sick first. It started with a cough, and then the cough got worse, which lead to pneumonia. She was in and out of the hospital for the next year. The doctors tried everything and couldn’t find anything to make it go away. Dad came down with it next and after trying to juggle a full time job and caring for my parents, I had to give up the job I loved so much. They were both sick for the next year and a half or so.

On my twenty fifth birthday, I woke up, and the house was still and quiet. There was no smell of fresh coffee brewing like normal. No news on the television in the living room. It was deathly quiet. I rolled out of bed, and put my bare feet on the wood floor, and threw a robe over my nightgown, and walked through the house. It was still, to still. I knocked on my parent’s door. No answer. I could hear the small beep of their alarm through the door. I knocked again, and then turned the handle.

They were both lying on the bed. Eyes closed. It looked like they were sleeping. The only problem was that they were white, to white. Their chests did not rise and fall with the breath, that should have been there. I stood there. I expected them to reach over and turn the alarm off. I don’t know how long I stood there, finally I went to the bedside table, and turned the beep of the alarm off, and picked up the phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

The paramedics arrived rather quickly. They pronounced them dead at the scene, and called in the coroner. Tom came out, and told me, that he would be as gentle as possible with them. I left the house while they removed the bodies. I came back a few hours later, and started taking care of all the arrangements. I got in touch with family and friends, and arranged the funeral, and the viewing. My parents were well prepared, they had a life insurance policy set up, and had already bought side by side plots in the cemetery around the corner. I buried them a few days later. The funeral seemed to go on forever. I went back to the little white house, and there was an envelope taped to the door, with my name carefully handwritten in blue ink. I pulled it off, and carried it inside with all of the other correspondence out of the mailbox. Tossed it all on the counter in the kitchen, and walked into my room for the last twenty five years of my life, and looked around. It hadn’t changed much. Something in the back of my mind clicked. I went over to my wall, and starting ripping all the pictures, and cards, and dried flowers off and throwing them across the room to the little garbage can. I ran my arm along the dresser top where little glass figurines of unicorns and teddy bears crashed to the wood floor. Tears sprang up in my green eyes. I ran my hand through my brown hair. I walked over to my bed, grabbed my white Chanel blanket, and a pillow, and walked into the spare bedroom, lay down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up several hours later. My head felt like there were tiny little men with big hammers banging on my skull. I crawled out of the full size bed, and walked down the hall past the closed door of my parent’s room, and into the rest of the house. I grabbed some ibuprofen out of the cabinet in the kitchen and walked to my room to clean up the crazy mess I had made earlier. I walked through the doorway, and had to stop.

Everything was back in place. My figurines were on the dresser, still in one piece. All of the stuff I threw in the garbage, was back on the walls. I stood there, trying to absorb the information my brain was trying to process. I know what I did. I still had a cut on my foot from stepping in the glass on the floor. I stood there, stock still.

A knock on the door, scared me out of my thoughts. Who would be knocking this late. I went to the front door, and opened it. There on the door, was another envelope, with my name on it, in the same blue ink.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter inside:

Dearest Callie,

I am writing to you today, because your parents have passed on from this world and into their next life. I need to talk with you about their will. I know that you are an only child, but there are things that need to be told. Some of them are about the care and upkeep of the house. Please be at my office by 10:00 a.m. in the morning. The address is listed below.

Sincerely,

K

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I grabbed my blanket from the spare room and went to sleep on the couch, and set my phone alarm to wake me up at 8:00 a.m. It was time some questions got answered. One of them being my room. I know what I did. There was no explanation for any of it. None.

(to be continued)

Wow, it’s amazing.

You think that someone walks out of your life. You think that you have pushed them away from you, because of actions that were taken. Then one day, they walk back into your life in a weird way, and then you get a call, and it’s like old times. You talk, and you realize how much you missed this person. So much that it brings tears to your eyes. You bring up all the stuff that has happened, and you just remember how much you missed them. How much you needed them there, when you were going through one of those tough times, that just sets your mind back. How much they meant to you, when they were gone. Yeah, you were angry to begin with, but then there was worry, and then there was the missing. MIssing the goofy things that were said, and done. Missing the times you hung out. It is just amazing how when you let someone walk away, and then come back and affect the way you feel all over again.

Thanks for giving me the chance to be your friend again. I have missed you!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty