Posts Tagged ‘family’

So, this has been a crazy week. I am tired, but not sleepy. I am stressed, but nothing I can’t handle or deal with, as I normally do. I am frustrated, but hey what’s new? You guys and gals, that read these, have seen the many sides of me, and the many moods. I have gone from angry to happy to sad to forgotten. I range through all the emotions. Lately, I am a little confused at how I feel. The normal feelings are there, but they are intermixed with this other feeling, I can’t quite identify. It’s a little bit happy and optomistic, and yet estranged and lacking in exuberance. Could it be acceptance? Could it be full blown ‘whatever’ syndrome? I haven’t been in a really sad place in a while. I have been up here *raises hand up to eye level* and it seems to be sticking. many of my friends would look at me, and ask…are you on drugs??

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I had a friend tell me the other day, that from reading my past blogs, it seems that I love someone else, more than I ever loved my ex.

This to me seems like a strange observance. Why? Well, for one, they can’t possibly know how I felt at any one point in time about my ex, or the current person I want in my life. No one can possibly know my feelings, they are mine.

That being said, I look back, and I try to go over the way I used to feel, and compare it to the way I feel now.

I have thought about it alot, and I have come to one conclusion, and whether you all want to hear it or not…here it is.

I do love him more, but not because I loved my ex less. It’s because of the way he makes me feel when I am around him, or when I talk to him. This is completely silly of me, and I may well regret this in the end, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

When I am around him, it’s like all my senses are on overload. Whether he is just smiling at me, or laughing at something stupid I did. To leaning over and looking over my shoulder, to even the slightest touch. It is different for me. I have never been around someone that makes me feel like this.

This is insane that I am justifying myself, because of what someone thinks. I think I need to do this for myself as well. Maybe it will help me to understand better what it is that I love about this man.

So, let us look at that for a moment..

What do I love about him:

1. He is an amazing person in general. Always wanting to help others where he can.

2. He makes me laugh, and can bring me up when I am down.

3. He has this aura about him, that just sings.

4. He isn’t afraid of anything, and makes you feel secure when you are around him.

5. He has a gentle hand and a warm heart, when he shows it.

6. He has brilliant blue eyes and a cute dimpled smile.

7. He has been there for me and lent a helping hand.

I could go on…really. But I won’t bore you.

So, do I love him more…yes.

But not because I loved my ex any less when we were together.

I can’t really justify the difference. I loved my ex in the past….and that is where that love will lay. I can’t say that I don’t have some little place in my heart that belongs to him. He was my first everything. So, he still has a place in my heart for that.

The man I want now…well he is in the part of my heart that my family and friends don’t occupy. Which is a pretty good chunk of it. If he only knew….

Well, friends, I think I am going to end it here for the moment. Maybe one day I will dwell here again…maybe with a bit more openness.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Your letting him get to you. You held on to long. I was there once, I know how you feel. He roped me in the exact same way. The only thing I don’t understand…is why you? Your just a plain jane tomboy. Not usually his type. He loves the well bred sophisticated types, and you sure as hell don’t fit that. I mean for God’s sake you drive a truck! Oh well, maybe he knows that we are catching on to his wiley ways. Just remember what I said, and you will be fine….Don’t let him dig in to deep.

Sincerely, Me

I reread the email again. Damn that prissy know-it-all attitude. I am a plain jane tomboy! Whatever! I pushed myself away from the desk and turned away from the brightness of the monitor. How does she know so much about me? Not a whole lot of ‘High Class Sophisticated Girls’ around here.

I decided to hop in the shower, and let the hot water wash away all the dirtiness I was feeling. I let the water heat up, and then stepped in gingerly, is was a little hotter than I normally liked it. I washed my hair, and then my body. That is when the memory came back to me.

***

“Hey, so I decided to give you a call, we are headed down to the river on Saturday if you wanna come.” I said quietly into the phone.

“Jesse, so glad to hear from you. I would love to come down to the river, but I don’t think it’s the greatest place for the Porsche, though. Think I could just catch a ride with you?”

“Sure, I love to drive, and we can talk on the way. I usually leave here about 10, but I don’t know where you are, so we may need to leave early.”

Josh laughed, “Well, I am out near Weatherford. Hope that isn’t to far outta the way, I will cover the gas and drinks.”

“Ummm, nope shouldn’t be to far outta the way, Glenrose is South of you, we can just take the back roads. More fun for the truck.” I grinned as I thought about all the twisty roads, I thought about how fun it would be to drive his porsche on those roads. “So we will need to leave your place by 9, you okay with that? Also, make sure you have a good pair of old shoes to wear in the river that you don’t mind getting muddy and wet, and a sturdy pair of swim trunks.”

“No Problems Jessers. I will send you directions. Is this your cell number?”

“Yeah, just text ‘em to me, and I will see you Saturday about 8:30 or so.”

“Later”

“Later” I pressed the end button on my cell, and squealed excitedly. I called my Best Friend Shelly, and told her I was bringing a friend on Saturday. She squealed just as loudly. I told her all about last Saturday as I opened a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked Ice Cream. We talked for an hour, then I told her I would see her Saturday, and to make sure that her brothers mind their manners.

Saturday morning, I was up at 6am. Showered, hair up in a ballcap, my lime green bikini top with a white tank top over it, and my cut off’s with my ‘River’ shoes, a beat up pair of what used to be white, canvas tennies. I grabbed my ice chest, and tossed it in the back, and bungeed it to the toolbox, so it wouldn’t slide around, grabbed my tent and an overnight bag, just in case we stayed later than expected, and threw them in the toolbox.

It was 7:00 when I left my place, and 8:15 when I got to Josh’s place, I pulled up outside a beautiful two story brick house. I swear I could have fit three of my apartments in his downstairs area. The garage was massive from what I could see from the outside. He walked out to meet me, he had an overnight bag as well.

“Be Prepared, isn’t that the Boyscout motto?” He laughed as he threw his bag into the toolbox.

“Something like that.” I smiled at him.

We hopped into the truck, and we were off. We drove with just the music for a while, until he half turned and looked at me. I was trying to keep my focus on the road, but kept peaking over at him.

“So, where are you dragging me off to?”

I grinned, “Well, my Best Friend form highschool has some land out in Glenrose, with a good chunk of River on it and a great mudding hole that her brothers play in with their, ummm, toys. Sometimes we camp out all night, just depends on the weather.”

“Hmmm, so you do this every weekend?”

“Nope, just when we can, in the Summer we try for every weekend, but stuff comes up, so we don’t always get to. In the Fall, we go out and play in the leaves, and Spring it’s always raining, so we mud around and play on the four wheelers. It’s fun, and a getaway from the city life.” I looked both ways before crossing the railroad tracks.

“Sounds like you two are pretty close?”

“Yeah, she has been there for me, ever since I lost my parents in a car accident. They were on their way to my graduation party. A big rig came over into their lane, and they hit a bridge pillar at 70mph. The coroner said they didn’t suffer, they died on impact. I choose to believe that, for my own well being. After the funeral, Shelly, my best friend, and her family looked after me.”

“Wow, I am sorry for your loss. It’s great that you have such a close friend.”

We drove in silence for a bit. “So, what about you Josh, that’s an expensive house and car you got there.”

“Well, my dad is in the oil business in South Texas. I chose to live closer to where my mom was raised. He set me up. House, cars, whatever. He and Mom have been seperated for about three years now. She lives down the road in the family house.”

Again, the silence. After driving for about two hours, we finally reached Shelly’s turnoff for the ranch. We drove over the cattle-guard, and into the hilly countryside.

We drove about 5 miles, and on the horizon was a single story ranch house that was surrounded by dogs, and vehicles. There were two basset hounds baying as we pulled in, along with Black Labrador and a Golden Retriever. There in the driveway was a black Jeep Wrangler with the ‘Mudding Package’ on it. An 08 Chevy truck with a ‘Mudding Package’ on it, and two Ford Broncos.

The front door opened as I pulled in, and Shelly and her three brothers came running out the door. I stopped threw the truck in park, hopped out and was immediately pulled into a group hug.

“Josh, this is Shelly, Bobby, James, and Johnny. They will be our guide this weekend.” At that, the boys grabbed me and together hoisted me up in the air, and carried me toward the house.

“Mom has cookies waiting on you, little bit.” Johnny the youngest with chocolate brown eyes, and jet black hair hollered.

I laughed and told them I could walk just fine. Josh was trying to hide a laugh. Shelly walked over to him, patted him on the shoulder, and said, “Welcome to Heathenville, make yourself at home.”

The boys put me down at the porch, and the basset hounds Betsy and Bo came sidling up to me. I rubbed them both down as I wandered inside to grab a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie. Josh following along, like he belonged there.

(More to come)

Howdy ya’ll!!

Well, been a few since I posted. Been kinda caught up in other things. Mind wandering…heart wandering…soul wondering…. Yeah…like I said…caught up.

So last we talked, I was bitching and complaining. Well, I am still bitching and complaing…but about other things…LMAO

Got to fix my car…that’s been a PITA! So much to do…and not enough money to do it! I have been closing myself off to the world…sad but true. I have kinda been keeping myslef inside and not really going out much.

I think I am at a comfy place in life though. I have a great family that I love, and most of the time love me back. I can enjoy life while I have it, and see that all that goes before me, is mine to grasp. things in the past are just that….the past.

Soooo…I think I am preparing myself for the new year!!

Ya’ll have a good one.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I sit here in the dark considering what it will take to start a new life. My name is Callie. That isn’t short for anything, it’s just Callie. I have lived in the same place for the last thirty or so years. A white house with a white picket fence and blue shutters on the windows. It was the house my mom and dad built when they got married. It is one story, has three bedrooms, a formal dining area, a living room, and huge kitchen and three full baths. You would think they built it to house an army. It was just me and them though. Up until a few years ago, then it became just me.

So, let me tell you a little about me. I am thirty years old; I have no kids, never been married, and have no desire for either. I grew up an only child. My life was full of all the things I could have ever wanted. My parents weren’t rich, but they were well taken care of. They tried to give me everything I wanted. I wanted to grow up and live a life of solitude, on an island in the Pacific, away from this dumpy little town in Texas. Mom and Dad said that wasn’t an option, I needed to go to college, and make something of myself. So, I went, and I majored in nothing, and minored in everything. They finally got frustrated at putting money into school, and told me I could come back home to stay until I figured out what I wanted out of life. Again, I told them, a life of solitude on a quiet little Pacific island. Still, they said that they would prefer that I wait. Why? I would ask. They said it was in my best interest. So, as life went on around me, I got a job at the local restaurant when I was twenty. It was my first job, and I loved it! I was the hostess, the manager said I had the eyes for it. I always wondered what my eyes had to do with being hostess, but I guess he knew what he was talking about. I worked four nights a week and they were mainly the end of the week. On my days off, I would read the latest novel and just be lazy. I never spent a lot of time with my parents from the time I was about twenty up to the time that they died. They wanted me around, but were never around themselves. I always found it odd, I guess it explains a lot later.

After working at the restaurant for eight months, the manager said he needed someone to run the night shift, and wanted to know if I thought I could handle it. I was already doing most of it now. I accepted it, and worked almost seven days a week for the next year. I opened up a savings account, and called it my Pacific account. It was eventually going to get me out of this rat hole town.

I had a pretty good amount in my savings after that year. I also got promoted to district night manager. It was amazing, I was doing so well. I bought my first car, and was actually looking at an apartment closer to work, and that’s when things started happening. Mom got sick first. It started with a cough, and then the cough got worse, which lead to pneumonia. She was in and out of the hospital for the next year. The doctors tried everything and couldn’t find anything to make it go away. Dad came down with it next and after trying to juggle a full time job and caring for my parents, I had to give up the job I loved so much. They were both sick for the next year and a half or so.

On my twenty fifth birthday, I woke up, and the house was still and quiet. There was no smell of fresh coffee brewing like normal. No news on the television in the living room. It was deathly quiet. I rolled out of bed, and put my bare feet on the wood floor, and threw a robe over my nightgown, and walked through the house. It was still, to still. I knocked on my parent’s door. No answer. I could hear the small beep of their alarm through the door. I knocked again, and then turned the handle.

They were both lying on the bed. Eyes closed. It looked like they were sleeping. The only problem was that they were white, to white. Their chests did not rise and fall with the breath, that should have been there. I stood there. I expected them to reach over and turn the alarm off. I don’t know how long I stood there, finally I went to the bedside table, and turned the beep of the alarm off, and picked up the phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

The paramedics arrived rather quickly. They pronounced them dead at the scene, and called in the coroner. Tom came out, and told me, that he would be as gentle as possible with them. I left the house while they removed the bodies. I came back a few hours later, and started taking care of all the arrangements. I got in touch with family and friends, and arranged the funeral, and the viewing. My parents were well prepared, they had a life insurance policy set up, and had already bought side by side plots in the cemetery around the corner. I buried them a few days later. The funeral seemed to go on forever. I went back to the little white house, and there was an envelope taped to the door, with my name carefully handwritten in blue ink. I pulled it off, and carried it inside with all of the other correspondence out of the mailbox. Tossed it all on the counter in the kitchen, and walked into my room for the last twenty five years of my life, and looked around. It hadn’t changed much. Something in the back of my mind clicked. I went over to my wall, and starting ripping all the pictures, and cards, and dried flowers off and throwing them across the room to the little garbage can. I ran my arm along the dresser top where little glass figurines of unicorns and teddy bears crashed to the wood floor. Tears sprang up in my green eyes. I ran my hand through my brown hair. I walked over to my bed, grabbed my white Chanel blanket, and a pillow, and walked into the spare bedroom, lay down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up several hours later. My head felt like there were tiny little men with big hammers banging on my skull. I crawled out of the full size bed, and walked down the hall past the closed door of my parent’s room, and into the rest of the house. I grabbed some ibuprofen out of the cabinet in the kitchen and walked to my room to clean up the crazy mess I had made earlier. I walked through the doorway, and had to stop.

Everything was back in place. My figurines were on the dresser, still in one piece. All of the stuff I threw in the garbage, was back on the walls. I stood there, trying to absorb the information my brain was trying to process. I know what I did. I still had a cut on my foot from stepping in the glass on the floor. I stood there, stock still.

A knock on the door, scared me out of my thoughts. Who would be knocking this late. I went to the front door, and opened it. There on the door, was another envelope, with my name on it, in the same blue ink.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter inside:

Dearest Callie,

I am writing to you today, because your parents have passed on from this world and into their next life. I need to talk with you about their will. I know that you are an only child, but there are things that need to be told. Some of them are about the care and upkeep of the house. Please be at my office by 10:00 a.m. in the morning. The address is listed below.

Sincerely,

K

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I grabbed my blanket from the spare room and went to sleep on the couch, and set my phone alarm to wake me up at 8:00 a.m. It was time some questions got answered. One of them being my room. I know what I did. There was no explanation for any of it. None.

(to be continued)

I watched as the storm grew out at sea. It had been a year since Lucas had died in the horrible ferry accident. I had found myself and moved on, and back home to the sea, I missed it to much. The dreams I had were just that…..dreams. I saw him in my dreams all the time, so it was almost like he had never even left. The first several months were the hardest. His family was around for the first few months, always calling and checking on me. That stopped though, there were no grandchildren, so no real reason for them to hang onto me. My family was still quite supportive, always coming in and seeing me, especially since the breakdown.

I had been living in the cabin for about six months when it happened. I started seeing things. I thought that Lucas had come to me. He told me he had been abducted. I laugh it off now. They, meaning my family, thought it best that I move back home, I refused, of course. Well, then it happened, I freaked out. Mom said I was telling her that I was locked in, and could not get out, so she drove up, and discovered I had nailed all the doors and windows shut, I put boards over everything, screaming that they were watching me, and that they were coming for me. She finally had it. Called the police, and I ended up in a psychiatric ward for about 3 months. The doctor’s name was Marcus and he had eyes very similar to Lucas’, at first I would call him Lucas, and he would have to correct me. Little slap on the wrist and a shot of feel good, and well, I eventually got better. I don’t remember a lot about my time there. Mom said they kept me pretty much ‘high’ the time I was there, till about the last two weeks of my stay. That is when the dreaming subsided, for a while. I still have the dreams, sometimes they are good…other times they are pretty scary. I don’t tell my psychiatrist about the bad ones; otherwise they may admit me again. So, I just take my medicine and go on about my day, as normal. Occasionally, I still get an email or some small something in the mail. I still know they watch. I still know they are there. But they don’t bother me any more….they just check on me, and keep me dreaming.

It’s hard to live in a Dreamer’s reality, when they control the factors. The Dreamer’s are special people, they make you want the things you can’t have, and give you all the things you need. Then one day, they take it all away, and send you back to life, confused and hurting. Leaving a heavy mark and an empty burden on your shoulders. You constantly want to be one of them, so that you can make dreams come true….but they only allow a select few to join their ranks. Lucas is a lucky man, he got to move on into their world, and leave this dull life behind. It’s a whole new thing for me to sleep at night. I truly hope for Sweet Dreams and pleasant nightmares…then I know they are with me, and I am not alone.

The End

It took me a few days to finally absorb all the news. My family came into town, I don’t remember who called them. Your family flew in as well, I don’t know how anyone knew. The flowers started pouring in from your coworkers, roses, carnations, daises. The house was a virtual botanic garden. I started to feel claustrophobic, like the walls were caving in. I couldn’t breathe, I felt as if I were falling down a deep well. What happened?

Your mom came to me. She told me I was the daughter she never had, and that she wanted me to continue to be in her life. Your father just seemed to glare at me, I couldn’t understand why….What happened? I wanted to just crawl under a rock, I wanted you to hold me, and tell me it would all be okay. But you wouldn’t, you couldn’t….Never again. You were lost to me in the sea. They recovered your car, the window was busted out, they never found you. What happened? I kept hoping you were going to walk through that door at any moment, hold me close and tell me you swam to shore, and someone found you and rushed you to a hospital, and you tried to call……..I just kept hoping. What happened?

The memorial service was a week later. We buried an empty coffin. I wanted so bad to just tell everyone that this was stupid. That it wasn’t true. I could feel the strands of my mind breaking. I could feel my soul splitting. I could feel none of the pain, and all of the hurt. What happened?

I went back to our house on the sea, I walked through the door into our living room. The wine glasses and dinner had been put away. The broken window repaired. It had shattered so easily when I threw the vase. I walked around in the emptiness, felt the loneliness, heard my heartbeat, felt the coldness seep into my skin. I was truly alone. The family had left, I don’t remember when. How long had I been gone? The flowers were all gone. I walked to the back door. The sea was alive today, the waves were high and foamy. They crashed on the beach with a ferocity. The sea seemed angry to me. Could it be because the ferry driver was drunk when he crashed. Could it be because the same ferry that you were on, hadn’t been inspected before departing. Could it be because my soul mate was gone and now part of the sea. Were you angry and telling me? Oh, how I wish you were here with me now!! We could walk along the beach, and feel the wet sand in our toes. Watch the moon rise, and try to tame the angry sea. Instead I stand here on this porch, looking out across the sea, hoping with all my heart that you will come back to me….

I lived once….I lived in a two story home on the beach, with the man I loved. I lost that man to the sea, the sea I loved to look at and listen to. It made me angry and bitter. It made me not want to be in that house. That is why I did what I did. The firemen said they couldn’t believe the heat of the fire. The house was a complete loss. I confessed to doing it. Everyone said no…it had to be an accident. I didn’t tell them any differently. I watched as our house burned to the ground. Our memories went up in smoke. The fire Marshall declared it an accident, and the insurance covered it. Even though I told them all…it was me. I decided that was a sign, a sign from you. I moved far away from the sea. I moved into the mountains into a log cabin. It has three rooms. Living room, Kitchen, and a bedroom with a small bathroom. It is high in the mountains, on the tallest peak I could safely build on. As close to heaven as I could get. When I die, I want it to be a short trip to come to you. I know you will be there waiting. I lived once. I live again. If only for a short while.

(to be continued)

Howdy ya’ll!

Well it’s Tuesday and I really wish it was Friday!! I thought my crud was going away, but it decided to come back for a second round and kick my butt. I am actually craving honey lemon tea…WTF is that about??? They have lemon tea up here at work…but no honey

Okay…so I have been given a mission. It should be really simple…but it seems really hard..LOL…I have to get together some pics of things that are important to me. Simple right? Well, I got to thinking about this on the way to work this morning. What is really important to me? Well, there are the fundamental importants: Family, Friends, and my Cat. What else is important to me…the more I think about it…the harder it gets. I mean I think all kinds of things are important, but what means the most to me? So, as I am driving in today, I think about it, and it all seems like trivial things to me…. Example: photography – it’s an important part of my life, I like to try and imagine the world as others see it. So when I take a picture, I think…how would someone else look a this, what would they see. So it is important to me, because it allows me to open up my eyes. How do I capture that importance…I could just take pictures, but I don’t know that that would do it justice..LMAO. Then there are the little things…like reading, and writing, and my collectibles…I really thought this should be easy…how do I make it easy? LOL…maybe I am just looking to deeply? Maybe I just need to close my eyes and focus…

Well in the long run, I will let you guys and gals know what is up with the project and keep you informed. I have blogging material again!! Sweet!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty