Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

It’s been a long week.  I am in a zone of…well…I don’t know.  You guys have been through this with me…

I have officially made a blogging list of songs.  The songs that help me to write.  Maybe it will help me with my stories…eventually I will get back to them.  I am also going to be updating my Kitty’s WoW page as well.  Stay tuned for that.

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Howdy ya’ll!

So, I had this crazy dream Friday night.  As you all know, I have someone in my life that I love.  He is amazing!  He just doesn’t realize how amazing he really is.  Sometimes, I sit back and review all my feelings, and I (and this sounds bad) try to find a reason not to love him.  You may ask…why?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know.  Maybe I am just concerned about my subconscious and what it’s trying to tell me.

So, this dream…

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Or…. “I blog therefore I am” LOL…  So I got this shirt for Christmas or a birthday, I don’t remember..LOL

I truly love this shirt!  It causes people to stop and look, and be like…WTH?  So, I figured I would talk about blogging for a change…in my blog….hmmm…

So, I blog, because I can share with you my feelings and thoughts, emotions, dreams, longings and my heart

I love writing, and if I couldn’t write, I might possibly go insane!  I am a creative being and love to share my creativity with the world!!  I really wish I had more people reading my blogs and telling me how uber crazy I am….

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Evening all….

As the day has progressed, I have come into a case of the flumps .

I am not sure how I got here…just that I am here. I think it stems from my weekend dreams…when I actually had time to dream. This weekend was a very restless weekend. Friday night I crawled in bed and watched the Notebook, as mentioned previously, which in turn brings tears to my eyes…that movie never fails to make me cry. Well, of course that lead to those dreams that I didn’t want to have, but happened anyways. I haven’t had a dream about him in over a week. Well then I was up half the night, and couldn’t sleep in. Saturday/Sunday night I had a hard time sleeping as well. Again he was there in my dreams…not like before, it was like seeing him through a haze…never talking…never touching. I just knew that he was there. Last night, same thing, I was awake more often than not, and every time I woke up, my blankets were somewhere different, the only thing that stayed in place was the blanket he gave me.

Seems like I wandered into my flumps. Today seems to just be dragging by, and I look around and I don’t see what I want to see anymore. I see what is here. I am using some of my creative talents, but I am soo not happy with the end product. I guess as an artist, I am allowed to be my own critic as well? We are our own worst critics…. So, I am learning to accept the things that are said about things I do, and try to make an improvement. So, I have a learning curve to go through

So, here I am…thinking about him. Wondering what is going through his head. I am sure that he reads some of these things, and wonders why i am not on some sort of medication…LOL My blogs change like the seasons in fast forward. I amaze myself sometimes when I go back and read them. I wonder sometimes what was going through my mind to make me write this stuff, after I read it, a few weeks or months later. I guess it’s a good thing that I write some of this down. It acts like an outlet, it gives me the chance to release the pent up stuff.

I would probably explode if I had to just carry it all around inside. I think about some of the things that are said to me, and what gets me all worked up in a bad way, and then I multiply that times 100 because that seems to be the intensity that occurs, and yep you would have Kitty Volcano.

I guess I need to wrap this one up…Not that I want to, but I do kinda need to get some work done. I think that is another issue. I love my job…I really do..I just don’t like the schedule….Oh well, it pays the bills, most of the time…

Well, I am outta here for the time being. I will see ya’ll again shortly, I am sure. Don’t forget to check out my stories !!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Number 1

He walked up to me, put his strong arms around me, kissed me softly, and told me it was all going to be okay. I told him, I wasn’t sure if it really would be okay…He said, as long as you keep me in here, and pointed at my heart, I will be okay. Nothing can break me, when your not here. Kissed me softly one more time, then turned and walked away.

Number 2

What are we doing here? Why isn’t he here like he is supposed to be. I feel his presence, I don’t see him.

I feel a soft pressure on my shoulder, I turn and there he is, blue eyes shining. He walks across the room, and whispers that I can’t possibly feel the way I do. I look at him, and see a strange look come across those eyes, his frown deepens. I wonder aimlessly through a fog, searching for him.

Number 3

There he is…laughing. I watch from distance…he looks over his shoulder with a puzzled look. I smile deep inside, he can’t see me. I float away on a breeze….

Number 4

He shouts at me in a deep voice. Get over it, he says, and walks away. I stare after him. He turns, and sees the tears shining in my eyes. Comes back to me, and puts his arms around me, kisses the tears away. He says he is sorry, and doesn’t really want to hurt me, but it’s just better this way. I try to tell him…try…he just looks at me with those eyes…smiles softly. It’ll only hurt for a minute, then the pain will go away. I told him…it will hurt forever, and the pain will always be there. If he really wants it this way, then he can have it, but I would rather not. He hugs me gently, and tells me that I will be okay…he is just a memory…..

Number 5

I lay there giggling, his fingers running over my ribs, finding the little ticklish spots. I smile up at him, he smiles back. This is how it should have been, he says. Kissed me deeply….and the rest was history.

We lay there quietly, I can hear his breathing. I feel his heartbeat in his chest. His fingers play softly in my hair. This is how it could have been.

Number 6

I sit there on the floor, looking across the room at him on the other side. I can help you, you know that…I ask him. He says he knows that. We all would help. He nods. Why won’t you? He tells me that he has to many responsibilities to just up and go. But we miss you, and we love you, I respond with tears stinging my eyes. I know, he says. But there is nothing that I can do. It’s just isn’t meant to be.

There are boxes everywhere. I thought you had responsibilities…I ask. I do, this isn’t for that. This is for me. Not for you, not for them. I have to do this to move on, I have to do this…there is no other choice. The tears sting my eyes again.

I am running up a circular flight of stairs. I have to help him, I yell. No, you can’t she yells back, it isn’t your place, your not the one to do it. But I helped before, he needs to know I will be there. She yells back…Not this time…It’s not your time to help. I have to help him, I yell back…I love him! She tells me she knows….but it just isn’t the right time or place for it now. I run into a brick wall.

This is a glimpse into my dreams….they have been insane the past couple of weeks. I have alot of stuff on my mind…as you can tell. These are the ones I remember…there are others…others that caused me to wake in a cold sweat…I don’t remember them….I wish I could…

So…yeah…if that doesn’t make you think, I don’t know what will….

I can read them clearly, I don’t want to read them…most of them say the things I don’t want to hear… Maybe I need to look at them like someone looking in at them, instead of seeing them through my eyes.

It’s clear, my subconscious is telling me to give up. It’s just not that easy….

The core of my being wants it to be all hugs and kisses with a fairy tale ending where, I get the prince and live happily ever after. My mind sees the truth behind it all, and questions it.

Of course all girls believe in happily ever after, and all girls believe that when they find their love, it finds them right back. It’s not always that easy…sometimes the prince may not want to be in that fairy tale ending.

I am kinda freaking myself out right now…it’s weird. I am seeing more when I write it down, than when I saw it in my sleep. What do I do from here. Do I continue to wait? Do I continue to wonder? Do I try to suck it up and look to something else? I really don’t want to. I have had 3 guys over the past 6 weeks ask me out. I told them no…why…because I just don’t want to. I have no want of anyone else….

Funny how that happens…right?

Well, I am off to bed…Ya’ll have a good night.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Dreams…

On the one hand you love to have them, because in dreams you can achieve things that you can’t in real life. Then there are those dreams that make you want the things you had before. They take hold, and well you can’t really just turn them away. You want to continue with that dream…..but it reaches a point that wakes you up, and you can never go back.

I love to dream…they are vivid and electric. I have VERY detailed dreams. I could almost feel it, they are that vivid. I can hear the sounds, taste the tastes, feel the touches, and smell all the wonderful smells.

My dreams this morning were to loud to sleep through. They made me want that which I can’t have, but have already had the pleasure of enjoying. It was a very frustrating dream….. It woke me up with a sigh of realization….

Oh well, we can’t help what we dream…it’s our subconscious showing us what we want…who can deny what they want…in dreams or reality…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I watched as the storm grew out at sea. It had been a year since Lucas had died in the horrible ferry accident. I had found myself and moved on, and back home to the sea, I missed it to much. The dreams I had were just that…..dreams. I saw him in my dreams all the time, so it was almost like he had never even left. The first several months were the hardest. His family was around for the first few months, always calling and checking on me. That stopped though, there were no grandchildren, so no real reason for them to hang onto me. My family was still quite supportive, always coming in and seeing me, especially since the breakdown.

I had been living in the cabin for about six months when it happened. I started seeing things. I thought that Lucas had come to me. He told me he had been abducted. I laugh it off now. They, meaning my family, thought it best that I move back home, I refused, of course. Well, then it happened, I freaked out. Mom said I was telling her that I was locked in, and could not get out, so she drove up, and discovered I had nailed all the doors and windows shut, I put boards over everything, screaming that they were watching me, and that they were coming for me. She finally had it. Called the police, and I ended up in a psychiatric ward for about 3 months. The doctor’s name was Marcus and he had eyes very similar to Lucas’, at first I would call him Lucas, and he would have to correct me. Little slap on the wrist and a shot of feel good, and well, I eventually got better. I don’t remember a lot about my time there. Mom said they kept me pretty much ‘high’ the time I was there, till about the last two weeks of my stay. That is when the dreaming subsided, for a while. I still have the dreams, sometimes they are good…other times they are pretty scary. I don’t tell my psychiatrist about the bad ones; otherwise they may admit me again. So, I just take my medicine and go on about my day, as normal. Occasionally, I still get an email or some small something in the mail. I still know they watch. I still know they are there. But they don’t bother me any more….they just check on me, and keep me dreaming.

It’s hard to live in a Dreamer’s reality, when they control the factors. The Dreamer’s are special people, they make you want the things you can’t have, and give you all the things you need. Then one day, they take it all away, and send you back to life, confused and hurting. Leaving a heavy mark and an empty burden on your shoulders. You constantly want to be one of them, so that you can make dreams come true….but they only allow a select few to join their ranks. Lucas is a lucky man, he got to move on into their world, and leave this dull life behind. It’s a whole new thing for me to sleep at night. I truly hope for Sweet Dreams and pleasant nightmares…then I know they are with me, and I am not alone.

The End

She knows…..

The valley gave….

How could it….

I will take….

The pain shot through my eyes when I tried to open them. The pain was so intense. I thought I heard someone, but I couldn’t be sure, just a mumble here and there. I thought it was Lucas, but how could that be? The pain flashed again as I tried to open my eyes….back into the blackness.

“She couldn’t possibly know, it’s not possible.” A pause. “Yes, I gave her the full strength. No. No. No. I gave her the full strength. No, I will make sure of it, we will meet up later. She is stirring.” A beep, then the clap of a cell phone shutting.

My head felt heavy, very heavy, almost like it was tied down. It hurt to move my eyes, behind the closed lids. My arms felt like lead weights, my legs were tingling, like they were asleep. All I could do was lay there, and try to be as still as possible. I heard a shuffle of footsteps, and a swish of cotton on cotton as the owner of the voice moved away. I heard a door open, then close, and the rattle of a key in the lock. I took a deep breath, and this made my head spin and my stomach churn. How long had I been out? What the hell happened? I was talking to Lucas, and then there was nothing but blackness. I searched back through all that had happened. I remember him coming through the door of my cabin in the mountains. Then I remember looking up at him from the floor, then blackness. I feel like I am missing something.

After lying still for a while, and taking slow deep breaths, I was able to open my eyes a sliver. It was dark in the room, not my room, though. I saw a glint of silver to my left, as a very small amount of light came from somewhere behind my head. It hurt to try and turn my head, wincing, I tried anyways. I opened my eyes a little more, and saw an IV pole with an IV bag of milky white fluid attached to it. Okay, so maybe I was in a hospital, but why would they lock me in? I tried to move my arms, and felt a resistance. I moved my head to try and see what that resistance might be. It looks as though my arms are tied to the bed rails. I was covered with a white sheet from my chest down with my arms strapped to the bedrails on top of the sheet. I could see a little clearer as my eyes let in what little light they could from the source behind my head. I couldn’t see anything past the bed I was in.

There was a rattle of a key again, and the door swished open. I heard the sound of cotton on cotton again, and the sound of soft shoes on tile. Then the voice spoke again. “Ahhhhh, you are awake, I was worried there for a second. I thought I might have given you too much. I hope the pain isn’t too bad, that formula can cause intense pain on the wake up. The paralysis will wear off shortly. Don’t try to speak either, your vocal cords were paralyzed as well. Hang in there kid! You will be through this in no time.”

At that, he left again. I felt a dizzy sensation, and my body began to relax, and my eyes closed shut again, seemingly against my will. Damnit, he gave me something in that damned IV. I tried to fight it, but it won in the end. I closed my eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

I walked along a sidewalk with daisies on either side of it. Lucas was there with me. He was holding my hand, and telling me all the things we were going to do together. I tried to tell him how excited I was, but I couldn’t seem to communicate to him. He walked faster and faster, then he started running, and ran faster and faster away from me. I couldn’t reach for him, my arms were strapped to my body, my mouth gagged, and my feet tied together. He ran from me, like I was some sort of monster.

My eyes shot open. I was in a white room, on a padded floor, nothing but white cotton pants and a white cotton t shirt on. There was a chair in the middle of the room. In that chair sat Lucas. He looked at me, then began to speak.

“Ms. Rayburn, so glad you could join me. I am Dr. Wilkinson. Do you know where you are?” He looked at me with those blue eyes. Smiled nonchalantly. Then I told him what he wanted to hear. I had played this game before.

“Dr. Wilkinson, I am in the psychiatric hospital in Bayview. I have been here since I killed my husband in the fire. I told the authorities that I killed him, because he was lying to me about his work. I hate it when people lie to me. So, I tied him to the bed, and covered him in gasoline, and lit him up with his own lighter. The flames were beautiful that night. Prettiest I have ever seen. They brought me here, and have been doing experiments on me to determine what went wrong and why I snapped. They don’t believe me that the dreams told me to do it. It was always in the dreams. I had to kill him. If I didn’t, he would have made it all the way. Then what?”

“Ms. Rayburn, I know that you know that isn’t true. That this is the game you enjoy playing. Now, tell me the real truth.”

The blackness over came me again……

(to be continued)

The shower was refreshingly hot, it awakened the sleepy parts of my mind and body. I stepped gingerly onto the cold grey tile of the bathroom floor and toweled myself off. Wrapping my hair up in a towel and another around my body, I wander back into the kitchen to grab another cup of hot tea. Sipping it slowly so I wouldn’t scald my tongue, I thought about the dreams I had been having lately. They were really beautiful in color and I could almost feel the textures. I could hear the sounds. It was almost as if I were there, in person. I just have never been to any of these places or seen them anywhere. So vibrant and wonderful, and yet so intense and almost scary.

I set my empty cup in the sink, and went to get dressed for work. After throwing myself into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes, the bathroom was my next stop to run a brush through my wet hair, and then headed for the door. I grabbed my purse and keys off the counter, I opened the door, and there you were. Standing there, looking at me with those sky blue eyes. I stopped dead in my tracks, this wasn’t possible! You were gone, out of my life for over a year now. How? They said there was no way, you wouldn’t have made it alive. The rain, the waves, the sharks in the area…..

You smiled at me. I felt as though my blood ran cold. I got light headed, my pulse quickened. I had to be dreaming. You just stood there, and stared at me. “Well, aren’t you going to say hello?” The words seemed to hit me like bricks. I sat down right there in the doorway, Buster skitzed, and ran for the bedroom.

“Am I dreaming again? This can’t be real, we had a funeral, they said you would never had made it to shore, not against the currents and the sharks that were drawn to the scene…” The words rushed from my mouth, then my breathing began to speed up, and then I started to cry.

He took my hands, pulled me from the floor, and into a tight embrace. He held me as I sobbed. He walked me over to the couch, and had me sit down.

“I want to tell you everything, but first you need to calm down, call work, tell them you won’t be in. Then we will sit here and have a talk.” He looked at me with those sky blue eyes, and I immediately began to calm down. My sobbing slowed. I grabbed the cell phone out of my pocket and called the boss. Told her that I wasn’t feeling well, and would not be in.

I turned my complete attention to the man beside me on the couch. The man I thought had died a year ago in a ferry crash a lifetime away from where I am now. I had finally gotten past it all. Here it was again to haunt me…this time it wasn’t a dream.

(to be continued)

Dreams…..

Are they visions of what we want…or just there to taunt us? Do we dream because it makes us feel better about the things in life that aren’t all that good. Just an illusion of happiness? I dream quite often…anything from walking on the beach..to sexual fantasies. Lately though, I have had some haunting dreams. Anywhere from my dad telling me he has to go….to my best friend telling me he can’t do it all alone, and needs me there. Are they speaking to me through my dreams? Are they trying to call to me? I hate not understanding!! Dream dictionaries don’t help…I want to know. I believe that it is just my self conscience telling me what I want to hear…but I think that makes it worse. I don’t really know sometimes. Oh well…maybe it’s just the lack of sleep and the meds that are causing it. I have been sick, so I am taking meds….and sometimes they cause weird dreams…so does respberry tea!! I have way weird dreams after drinking it…I wonder why?

Oh well, goodnight ya’ll!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty