Morning all!

It’s a beautiful day here in the ramblings.  It’s been a very strange but happy two weeks.  I have a great boyfriend, who makes me smile and laugh, and I have great friends that I can talk to about anything

Just thought I would do a quick stop by, and tell you all Have a great and happy day!

<3 ya and happy reading!

Hey readers!

As you all know I stepped into a relationship a week ago.  Yes, it’s a long distance relationship, and yes, it’s tough.  That’s not the part that has me all confused.  The part that has me all confused, is the fact that he can make me feel the way I feel, from so very far away.  We talk everyday, and we text everyday, and we chat online in the evenings.

What has me so baffled is the fact that, when we aren’t chatting, texting or talking to each other, I feel kinda empty inside.  I don’t get this.  We haven’t met yet, and we haven’t even held hands or kissed, and yet I miss him so much it almost hurts.  I am very confused by this, baffled even…

I know I am not in love, this isn’t the same thing.  That could change when we finally do get the chance to be near each other….or we could end up hating each other.  I think that scares me just a little.  At the moment though, I want nothing more than to hear his voice, and his laugh, and to hear him call me ‘love’ and talk cute.  Yeah, I turn into a complete 15yo when we talk.  He brings out this side of me, I haven’t seen in a long time.  I am happy, but confused and sad and excited and emotional all at the same time.  I have this insatiable urge to be in his arms, and I have a feeling that this will only get worse after meeting.  Then what do I do?

I guess, as we grow in this relationship, I will become a little less confused and bewildered.  Until then, happy reading!

Hello readers

I did something wild…crazy…unpredictable and completely out of character for me!

I have been talking with a guy for a bit now, and we have been quite chummy with each other.  We stepped out on the proverbial limb the other night, and decided to try a long distance relationship.  He is the funny, amazing, incredible guy who makes me giggle, laugh and feel good about myself.  I have some concerns, as anyone would stepping into a new relationship, albeit a long distance one.  As always, I will take it one step at a time and make the very besst of it.  It sucks that he is 16 hours away   and it amazes me that even though we haven’t met in person, the way he makes me feel while just talking with him and chatting is so incredibly easy.  I am not one that warms up to people like this, but he brings it all out in me.  It’s like he knows me before he knew me.

I hope everyone has a blessed St. Patrick’s Day and enjoy yourselves!

I have had the strangest occurrence ever…

I met this guy, well, when I say met, I mean talk.  He seems super sweet, and funny and makes me giggle and smile.  He seems to read me like a book, and we barely know each other.  I am in a spot… I am not sure where to go from here.  He lives in a different state, he and I have talked quite a bit.  So, let me get to the point here.

I am usually a person who gaurds my heart, well he is beating at those barriers.  It’s scary and yet oddly nice.  I don’t know what to think about it.  He seems like this incredible guy who is amazing to talk to, he causes me to open up more than I normally would with someone at this stage, and I am just wondering if I won’t step in and cause myself to get hurt and fail.  It’s strange…I mean yeah there have been other peeps in my life over the last 9 months or so, that I have let in, and talked to, and enjoyed just hanging out with.  But… when he leaves…I feel kinda lost and lonely, almost like he took a piece of me with him.  Which concerns me.  I haven’t felt this way since ‘He’ moved away.  I have been slowly getting over that empty space, and now..this wonderful Irish guy is slowly working his way into that place…trying to fill the void..and I may just let him… but I ask myself.  Is this just me filling that void, and if so, what good will it come to?  Is this my way of finally breaking free of the holds that were in place for sooo long, and my way of letting it all go finally?  Is it just me being me?

I sit here, and we text each other, and we talk on the phone, and he gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I smile when I think about his next text or our next phone call.  Yet, I wince, because I am scared I am setting myself up for pain, hurt, regret and a broken heart…yet again.

I guess the only thing to do, is to just go with the flow, see what transpires.  Maybe this is what I have been looking for, maybe this is my path?  I guess we will see.

Love, hugs and lots of kisses!!

Well, it’s about midnight….and I keep coming across things and seeing things and hearing things…and I just don’t wanna hear or see them anymore.  I keep telling myself I am over and done with all this, and yet there it is.  I am tired of it, and I just want it to stop.

Tears…they come so easily.  Yet, they are so frustrating and irritating, and they piss me off.  Why am I still crying over it all?  Why am I still just so stupidly entangled in it, and I don’t need to be, and I don’t want to be, and yet here I sit at midnight on a Sunday/Monday morning and let the tears fall.  Why?  Hell I don’t know anymore.  It’s like I can’t move forward without falling behind.  I just wanna feel normal again.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  It hurts, and it sucks!

It should have been me.  Really, it should have.  I just wasn’t right though.  Not the right fit, or whatever.  I keep telling myself…it’s better now…I keep lieing and trying to hide it all.  I just can’t muddle through it …it just eats at me and digs into my soul.  It should have been me…Should have been, but it’s not and it never will be.  Ever.

I keep trying to walk away…

It keeps pulling me back….

I keep crying over it, like it will help…  and I waste my tears, over and over again…

Whenever I have a title like that, I always prepare myself, because it’s usually random nonsense that comes out of my fingers as they fly across the keyboard.

Don’t you just hate it when something is said, out of context of what is meant, yet you throw it into a new perspective and try to figure things out?

Example:

Logical Love

Let’s break this down.

Logical means according to or agreeing with the principals of logic; reasoning in accordance with the principle’s of logic, as a person or the mind; reasonable, to be expected

Love means a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart; sexual passion or desire.

Okay, so where am I going with this?  That is what I am trying to find out.

What would you consider ‘logical love’?  The love of two people that are in accordance with each other’s passion and desires?  The love of two people that just seem to fit together emotionally, physically and spiritually?  I could continue to ask these questions, there are so many ways to look at it.  I have been told that ‘logical love’ does not exist.  I have been told that ‘logical love’ is just that, Love that logically works out.  What the hell does that mean?  As you can see, I have been thinking about this subject, and I have no answers.

See, this is what happens when I come across something or I hear something that catches my fancy, I tend to over think it, and over analyze it, and try to figure out why it would be said in the first place.  This, my friends, is one of those times.  Does logical love exist?

I will continue to research this issue, and see what I can come up with.

I hear the sound of his voice in my head, and I can’t get over the way it still makes me feel.  I search back through the memories, and still feel the same way I did, before they were memories.  I hear a song and his lips come to mind, and I feel that soft touch.  I see a flash of color that reminds me of his eyes and my heart melts.  I feel the rush of his memories running through my mind at every juncture of my life, and I rejoice in the way it makes me feel.

Is it sad, that one person can excite all of those things in me.  I am amazed that my mind and body react so readily to a thought, a sight, a sound and even just a memory.  Is it just that the mind lingers over the things we liked the most, and moves the bad things out?

I drive to work, 30 minutes, every morning.  In that time, I will see or hear something that brings him into my mind.  What can I do?  I like him there, but boy, does he interfere at some of the worst times imaginable.  So, I am coming to terms with the fact that this memory will always be there.  I will never be rid of it.  I just need to learn how to adjust and work my way around the memory and thoughts and rush of emotion, when I see, hear or feel that rush.

I sit here, and I think and I giggle, because I know.  He will just shake his head and wonder what I was thinking.  The answer to that is… I was thinking about him, always   Amazing how someone can affect someone else so deeply.

Howdy readers!

It has definitely been a Monday!  I had a short weekend with very little sleep.  I think from Friday morning through this morning I got maybe 12 hours of sleep total.  I am just really stressed about the stuff going on with my dad, and just trying to make sure that I get to see him before anything gets any worse.

I guess it could be worse…right?

I could be homeless, jobless, and on the street!  Thank the Lord that I am not though!  I could have no friends or family that care for me.  Well, that is definitely not the case.  I am blessed.  I know that.  I should take that knowledge and thrive off of it.  I think the negative stuff in my life is over powering my positive.  I will find my balance, it may just take a bit.

Well, I just wanted to stop by and give ya’ll a quick glimpse into my personal chaos..LOL

Have a great week!

You ever feel like there are people in your life that are meant to be there, but that you get so angry with them, because of something trivial, that you feel bad about it?  Do you ever wonder why they say that love knows no bounds, and yet those bounds are crossed on a daily basis?  Why do people insist on making things that are small and trivial into something big and obnoxious?  Why is it a man that has been in and out of your life for 35 years, is suddenly the most important person in the world, with one little phone call?

This past weekend has been stressful, anger filled, and guilt ridden and for some reason I can’t shake it.  I am all jumbled up inside.  Saturday morning I got a call from my half brother, in Arkansas.  My dad is now bed ridden, and has no use of his legs.  He sounded all raspy and like he has a lot of fluid on his lungs.  I got to talk to him for just a few, before he went back to sleep.  I called later that day, and my brother advised that Dad was on his way to the hospital, he had no movement in his left arm.  I waited for an update, and didn’t get one that evening.  Sunday morning I called and got the hospital information and called and talked to a nurse.  She advised he may have had a minor stroke.  Now the waiting game begins.  I called him today and got to talk to him for a few minutes.  He still sounds all rattley inside but he was alert.  We will have to wait and see what happens.

So, on to another subject.  How can something so small and so trivial, make someone so angry and then come back to make you feel angry and guilty for being angry all at the same time?  The heart speaks the words that only fall on deaf ears and are never heard by those that need it.  I feel like I don’t need to explain myself, but if I don’t explain myself I feel like I am the guilty person who did nothing wrong.  I mean yeah, I am ‘technically’ the one that should be held ‘responsible’ but I didn’t do anything wrong.  I accepted an invite, and got griped at, because the event ran over and into someone else’s plans.  Not because of anything I did, but because of someone else’s actions.  Yet, I get pulled to the side and scolded like a child, when I wasn’t the one responsible for everyone else’s actions.  I cannot control the universe and all that happens in it.  I cannot control those around me, that I have no cotrol over, yet I am the one who gets the brunt of it.  In the end, I feel guilty, and I really did nothing wrong.  Again Love knows no bounds….

I think I need to just walk away from my pc right now.  I have to much on my mind and in my heart for me to go on.  I have been through worse, but I dont’ feel like I can handle it now.  I don’t want worse to come, I want better to come along.  I want Dad to get better, and I want to not feel so awful about things I have no control over, but because my heart steps in the way, I feel bad.

Later guys and gals…see ya on the upside of things…I hope.

Happy New Year’s Eve Everyone!

Been an interesting year to say the least.  Hoping that this next year is a good one, full of new people and fun.  I have a few milestones coming up this next year.  I will have been wiht my current employer for 5 years in August and My son turns 16 in March (insert huge amount of dread here).

I have learned over the past year, that you can love someone, and still be their best friend, and watch them grow into a relationship that isn’t with you.  And that while doing so, your learn to love them in a different way than you ever thought possible.

I have learned that you can work through anything, even with some of the people in your life that make you want to strangle them half the time.

I have learned that boys will be boys, and even if they are of  your own flesh and blood they will still be boys.

I have learned that girls are hard to deal with growing up and that you really want to make them happy, but nothing can or will.  ( I think this is true as they get older too )

I have learned that cats and fish can coexist.

I have learned that babies are truly a miracle of God, and that when they are loved enough they can make it through anything.

I have learned that when true love strikes someone, it hits hard.  I have had several friends get married this last year, and it was amazing to see the emotion in their eyes as they said, “I do”.

I guess on top of it all….I have learned to learn again, love in a different light, appreciate the big and the small, and to be a bit more patient.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year, and that 2010 is an awesome year for everyone!

<3