I sit here in the darkness.

The sound of water and nature pouring from the speakers.

I relax and open my mind. I see the inside of me, and realize that it is kinda blue right now. I feel the music reach out to me, and I close my eyes, and let it caress my soul. Maybe one day it will be clean, and I will get to see the me, that has been missing all these years. I thought I had found it a year ago. Then she went back into hiding.

I sit here and I wonder will I ever be the me I used to be? Will I ever be the me I want to be? I miss the me, that was always smiling, always happy, always there for whoever needed me. Now I am smiling sometimes, laughing when I need to. There when asked and well sometimes not there at all. I have lost my best friend over it all, and I have missed years of my life living in the nether regions of my heart and soul. I gave all I had to one person for so long, I don’t know that I will ever find me again. She is here, I feel her…..I just need the right person to bring her back.

Well, guys and gals, I think that this CD is making me Uber sleepy. Thanks for letting me share. I appreciate it!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Grrrr

So I got home at about 1230 this morning, and on the way in I hit my big toe on the curb, and proceeded to bleed all over the damned house, while my cat is trying to kill me by tripping me up!! I didn’t sleep well again, my shoulder has a tight muscle in it, and it’s killing me!! I can’t relax enough to play bejeweled 2 as well as I normally would. I am stuck at work and well I am bored…I am ranting..yes!!

I feel better for that. I love the therapy I get from writing. I was recently asked if I read my own blogs…yep!! I go back a few days later and review what I wrote, because sometimes when I get caught up in the heat of the moment of sharing my feelings, I get ummm very open. Yes, that is actually what I am feeling when I write it. To me some people are easy to talk to. Some are not so easy to talk to. I don’t know why, but that is just the way it is. So, when I write I feel like I am communicating the way I feel in a way that hopefully other people can understand it.

It’s like trying to describe a picture to a blind person. They can’t see what you are telling them, but if given enough time and with patience, when you describe the picture, they will see it. Eventually you get everything detailed enough and explained enough that they see what you are telling them. It may take several times to get it completely right, but with enough patience everything will fall into place in their eyes. Then you see the whole picture and not just whats on the surface, and so do they.

Like I have said it’s about communication. I communicate differently with different people. Some people I can just open up and talk with, like we have been the best of friends forever. Others, I get around, and I clam up. It’s not because of anything they have or haven’t done, it’s because I don’t know what to expect from them. Even after knowing someone for a while, you tend to still not be able to read them. I would love nothing more than to be able to look them in the eye and just talk to them. About everything on my mind. I get around them, though, and it’s like the walls come up. Maybe I just think I am going to get hurt by what I see or hear. Strange…I know. I wish I could fix it, I guess that blogging is my way to do that. I can talk to those people with out actually talking to them. Does that make sense? I can get across through the written word, what I can’t say in the verbal word. Then if there is anything that is felt when they read it, they have the choice to talk to me about it, and prepare themselves for the walled in part of me. It doesn’t take much to get through the walls, you just have to be gentle and not force them down.

So, there is a little insight into why I write. It’s all about being able to communicate effectly where I can’t normally. Some may look at it as the chicken shit way to do things, but it’s not. It’s a way to get the other person to communincate back. Hopefully in a understandable and effective way…LOL!!

Ya’ll have a good one!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

It is Saturday evening and I am at work. Yep…work. I should be doing something other than sitting in a cold building freezing my toes off!! Wanna know what sucks even more than that? I gotta do it again tomorrow!

Self torture!! It’s lovely…Well anyways. The kids and Mom are on vacation. I am at the house all by my lonesome for the next two weeks. I actually enjoyed the quiet last night. I watched a movie, see previous post, and it was quiet, and noone was trying to talk to me during the movie and asking me stupid questions or running in front of the TV and then stopping to stand there…..Ahhhhhhhh (big sigh)…LMAO!!

I really could use a massage therapist right now though!! my left shoulder is stiff, don’t know why…but it hurts like the dickens!! Oh well!! I guess I’ll live…right? A little less than a month from now I turn 35…Good Gravy, I am getting old!! Maybe that’s why I am noticing all the little aches and pains more?

So, I really hope that the next two weeks goes by pretty smoothly…I am hoping that all the stupidity that has been happening decides to stop so that I don’t have to throttle anyone!! Yeah, unless you know me well, that will fly right over your head….sorry!! Anyways, I am kinda just writing to keep myself occupied for the next hour and 15 minutes. I don’t think I will actually blog that long…LOL!!

In fact…I may go ahead and just stop now….:) Well ya’ll have a good rest of your weekend, and spend it well!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

P.S. I love you

I watched that movie tonight. It made me really think. Think about what love truly is. Is it that first kiss? Is it the first time your eyes meet? Is it hearing that song on the radio and thinking about them? Is it catching a scent and thinking about them? Is it seeing a picture, and associating it with them? Is it hearing their name and feeling your heart flutter and your stomach knot? Yes….Yes….Yes!!!

Everyday, we expose ourselves to the love of our life in many ways. We hear, smell, taste, and feel their presence. I walk through my day, and when I hear his name, or a song that reminds me of him. Smell something that reminds me of him, it takes me to him. Maybe only mentally, and sometimes that is all I need. To know that he was there for me once. No matter what, we always will love someone, we just don’t get to experience the full effects. We don’t always get to share that time of being in someone’s arms, or that time of just being able to be with each other. We can share all the funtimes, the memories of laughter, and smiles. No regrets!! We can still go through life, knowing that what we shared, either together or secretly, we will always have. We can recall that feeling with a word, touch, scent or taste.

I remember the smell of his skin, clean and fresh. The taste of his lips, soft and sweet. The feel of his hands, soft and searching. I can hear the laughter in his voice and see the smile as it plays on his lips. I know that these are the things that I will hold onto, no matter what!! I hope that he can Say the Same!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I just walked down memory lane….

My aunt from Springtown came by today, and brought a whole bunch of pictures. I got to looking through them, and found some from when I was a baby all the way to when I was pregnant with my son. There were pictures of me playing naked in the pool with my cousins..which I really should destroy, and playing in the backyard all kinds of naked…I think I was a bit of a nudist when I was little. Then there were pictures of my memaw and pepaw, and pics of Budweiser, my St bernard and Susie my peekapoo. Tweety my parakeet. MY favorite Chrismas outfit, pics of my Andy as a baby, and so many more. It amazes me how pictures can bring back so many feelings and memories that were suppressed for so long.

Just thought I would talk for a few, I kinda needed to let it all out there. Y’ll have a good week. See ya soon!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Why do we torture ourselves with the things we know that make us sad or weepy eyed? It is total insanity! I sit here and I read something, or listen to something, even watch something that will bring me to tears….why? Because I like what I am reading, watching or listening to. It is sad how we associate something with someone? When we go back and hear or see it, it brings us to tears.

So, I am sitting at work on break today, trying to zone out, got my iPod on and listening to it’s randomocity, and a song comes on, that just brings me to tears. I had to put my head down til I could control it. Now tonight, I sit here and I listen to it on my iTunes, and fight back the tears. Again, why do we torture ourselves? Is it so that we can become numb to it? I hope so…cuz all this torture is killing me!! One day I will realize that I am fine. One day.

Well, I am gonna drag my weepy ass to bed, and well shed a few tears…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Silence

Stillness

Complete Quiet

I long for it, knowing that it is right there. Yet I turn away from it, because it is scary too. When there is silence, you are alone, and what is there when you are alone? Your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams, and your nightmares. Why do we crave what we want and don’t want all at the same time? Example, I can’t wait til I get the next two weeks all to myself, no kids, no mom, noone but me. But what do I do, I am making plans to not be at home as much as possible. Why, cuz I hate to be alone, but I crave alone time. Another example, I want someone to share my fun, joy, and heart with, but I don’t want a total commitment yet, cuz I have trust issues and I dont know that I want to settle back into a relationship. Yet I crave all the attention that a boyfriend would give. Another example, I want to share my art with the world, but I don’t want them to think differently of me. My writing isn’t tame by any means. So, what can we do?

We go day by day, and give ourselves what we can when we can. We enjoy the silence, until we can’t bear it anymore. We love who we can, when we can, and then move on. We share what we can when we can, and hope that we are accepted in all things. It is amazing what we discover about ourselves if we just open our eyes and listen.

Live, Love, Share!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Friday the 13th….Do you believe in superstitions?

I believe in a few…so yeah I am a little superstitious. I gave up on the whole 13 being a bad luck number though. I actually found that 13 is not such a bad number. I am a little superstitious about broken mirrors, and I used to be really bad about black cats crossing my path. I grew out of the black cat thing though. What is my biggest suprtstition now? Hmmmm….I think it’s breaking a mirror, and eating black eyed peas on New Year’s Day. They say if you don’t eat them you have bad luck. I have done both, and have to say that when I don’t eat them, I usually have a worse year. LOL…call it crazy..but it’s true. The mirror thing I don’t really suffer from…cuz I try not to break them..LMAO.

So, today has been ”’VERY”’ uneventful! Which is a blessing. Got a club meet tomorrow..Yippee…get out for a bit…didnt go anywhere last weekend…I am proud of myself. Tomorrow should be good..I am gonna be broke as hell…but should still be fun..LMAO. Well, I know I am tired and I think I am gonna go read!! Ya’ll have a good night!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Oh My Good Gravy!!

It is Thursday…and I am tired, and kinda just blah. I miss my baby boy. I talked to him this morning though, they are headed for Colorado and then New Jersey. He also bought himself a cheap little digital camera to take pics with. He is soo excited, I am happy for him!! He is going to get to see all over the US. I still miss him though. Mom and Ezri are leaving sometime next week, so I get two weeks of alone time.

I did get to see ”Stomp the Yard” last night. That was a really good movie, I enjoyed it alot. Some time next week I get ”Step Up 2”. Can’t wait to see it. I am also possibly going to see the new ”Indiana Jones” movie Saturday. So that should be fun. Well I am about to get outta here!! Ya’ll have a good night!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Well, it is Tuesday, and it has been kinda a long day. I at least get to sleep in my own bed tonight. That will help immensely.

I finished one of my books last night, and started the 3rd in the series today…well I ran off and left it up at work, don’t know what I am going to do to get to sleep. I guess I will have to rely on my own imagination. That is scary in itself!! My mind amazes me sometimes with what I come up with.

So, yeah I am kinda in randomocity mood…beware!! I think I am ready for a trip!! I get to go to Atlanta in July, and I am kinda looking forward to it. I have never been to Georgia!! I was hoping to get to see Florida along the way, but that is more than likely a no go..LOL…Oh well…road trip next summer! I wanna go to the beach so bad right now. I haven’t been in two years…and I miss it. I love the sight of the waves…the smell of the air…the feel of the water against my skin. I really need that. Maybe I can save up and take the kids at the end of the summer…I will have to see.

Well, I think I am done for the evening!! I am getting tired.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty