Change…

Is it truly possible?  Animals cannot change their spots or stripes.  People can change their appearance, this is true.  With plastic surgery, hair die, tanning.. whatever pleases them.  But, can a person truly change?

I myself think that some people can change some things, as a whole though, the person is still that person through and through.  Yes, I can tell you that I have changed, but not as a person, just in my demeanor and some of my wants and needs.  We all hold onto those things deep inside that will never change us, no matter how we try.

The man who beats his wife and children.. when pulled from that place.. will say he has changed, but in fact he hasn’t and will go back to beating them again.  The alcoholic who gets thrown into prison, and lives there for years, and says he has changed and has learned to live again, is released and goes straight to the bar to have a drink.  People can say they have changed, and maybe in some small way they have, just not deep down inside.

I have grown accustomed to this life I lead.  I have a solid roof over my head.  My bills are paid.  My kids are clothed and fed.  I have friends and family to turn to.  I love where I am.  I have no need to change myself, or to try to change myself.

I hear, “I have changed, give me a chance to prove it.”

I want to make people understand, it’s not about you changing.  It’s about me and the fact that I am not giving up all that I have done for myself, to throw myself back into that spiral of doubt and depression.  I refuse to do it.  I am in a great place, and I am not giving it up.  I will not sit by and watch you carry on and talk to them and ignore my wants and needs.  I will not sit by and give you everything and not get what I want in return.  I will not sit by and be that support and not get the support in return.  I have grown up a lot over the past three years.  I will admit this.  I know where my priorities lie, and I know where I need to be.  I am not willing to place myself back into that place.

I have walked a path.  I have walked it alone.  I have walked it with God.  I have walked it with my family.  I have walked it with my friends.  My path is clear to me at this point in time.  I am where I need to be.  I am where I am happiest at the moment.  I have gone through Hell ovet the past eight or nine years, trying to find my place in this world.  I have found it.  Let me stay here, let me live my life.  Let me live knowing I have a friend to turn to.  One day, we will all appreciate it in the end.

A leopard cannot change his spots.  Just his demeanor towards you.

<3 Kitty

You know what sucks…

People who take something of yours and take it for their own.  Not a physical item.. but just an idea.  I guess I could consider it flattering that my idea was used, but I am just angry more or less.  It makes me wonder what impact I had on a person that they would come back later and take an idea that I had and not even have the decency to say.. Hey thanks for that!

I know it’s petty.. and selfish.. but it was my idea..

Maybe it’s because I left this lasting impression on him…. Maybe it’s because he thinks about me.. Maybe it’s because he is just a spiteful ass who thinks he can have anything he wants.. when in fact.. he is a whiney.. immature individual..

It really is stupid to get so worked up over something.. but its quite irritating… One of these days I will sit back and confront him on the issue.. but until then.. I guess every time I see it.. or hear it.. it will just bury itself a little deeper in my angry spot.. I’ll get over it.. I always do..

Well, I am about to pass out at the keyboard.. ya’ll have a great day!

<3 Kitty

P.S. Edited after the fact due to angryness and sleep depravity

I sat here this morning.. Dwelling on my past.. my present.. and my future.

I get in these moods.. and my brain overworks itself.  I got to thinking about everyone that has been in.. is in.. or may be in my life, and wondered…

Do I still cross your mind?

Do you pick up the phone and look at it and wonder if you should call?

Do you look at a picture and think of me?

Do you see something in the window of a store, or a car driving down the road, and think of me?

Do you think back to late night calls and wish you were there again?

Do you listen to me now, and wish I was right there?

Will you be that person in my future that I hold and talk to about my day?

Will you be the one I live out the rest of my life with?

Will I be that person you want me to be?

Yes, this is what happens when I have to much time on my hands to think.  I wonder if I could have done things differently in the past to make it all work.  I wonder why someone I never really ‘knew’ still crosses my mind and makes me think of them?  What kills me, it that if I knew they were thinking of me.. I don’t know how that would really make me feel.  My mind and emotions always get the best of me.  I think it stems from the dreams I had this weekend.  He was there.. but it wasn’t him.  It was different.. there was danger involved and I knew it, and I knew I was losing him.  But, I haven’t talked to him or anything in over a month, why would he cross my mind now?  There wasn’t anything there, before.. and not now.  So, why the weird dreams?  Maybe my subconscience is just eating at me, maybe my heart is playing games with my mind, because it knows that someone else is trying to take that place, and that this someone has alot of my attention.

I don’t know.  I wish I did.  I guess I will just keep walking away from my past, through my present, and into my future, hoping for the best.

Happy Reading!

<3 Kitty

So, I had a blast in San Francisco

We went through airport hell on Saturday morning.. a two and a half hour wait just to check in.. made our flight, just barely.  This after not sleeping all night, so we had both been up for almost 24 hours.  Then the flight to San Fran was beautiful scenery, but turbulence was insane   We landed and took our stuff to the hotel and headed down to Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Wharf.  Had some great chowder and saw the Sea Lions, and looked at Alcatraz from afar.  It was a very nice day.  Went to a French restaurant that evening, although we didn’t know it when we went.  Had some great scallops and butternut squash.

Sunday woke up with a huge headache, and finally dragged myself out of bed, went back dow to the Pier and Fisherman’s Wharf, took a cruise around the bay, and saw Alcatraz a bit closer.  Went under the Golden Gate Bridge, which was amazing.  Then walked a mile down the wharf area, to get to St. Hyde’s Pier and then Ghirardelli Square for sundae’s and to buy chocolate

Went back to the hotel, and I completely skipped dinner, and slept.  Monday was the Awards Ceremony and the tour of the company there.  Had a great lunch, then back upstairs, took an unexpected nap (I fell asleep in the lounge chair).  Then off to Bob’s Steak and Chop House.  OMG – That was some awesome food and huge steaks!  Back to the hotel, packed up, watched a movie, tried to sleep, and up early to fly home.  The flight home was not quite as bad as the flight there.  But still Turbulence and I do not get along.

I had a wonderful time, and had great company

Have a great one ya’ll!

<3 Kitty

I leave for San Francisco at 6:46am in the morning.  I have only ever been to California one time, and that was back in 1992 and it was very brief.  I drove through San Diego to get to the Mexican border to go to Cabo San Lucas.  This time I am spending 3 days there.  We fly home on Tuesday, and I am looking forward to the sites   Hoping the weather holds up for us.

I know I wanna see the Golden Gate bridge if I can, and I would love to take the ferry to see Alcatraz, although the tour is not so inviting to me.  We are supposed to go see Fisherman’s Wharf and Ghiradelli Square (I am super stoked about Ghiradelli Square).  We are going to Bob’s Steak and Chop House while we are there on Sunday and that should be fun as well

I will update ya’ll as I can, and hopefully have some pics to go along with it   Keep an eye on my Facebook, I will upload some mobile shots as the weekend progresses

Until then, my friends!  Happy Reading, and see ya on the other side!

<3 Kitty

Evening ya’ll!

I am in a very strange place.  Very strange indeed.

Let me just ramble on here..

Ever just wanna throw everything out the window and do something completely reckless and selfish?  I am right there.. right now.  I have responsibilities though.

It seems that lately, every time I hear a song I think about how it applies to my life right now.  Love songs hit me hard, and the leaving songs make me thankful I am not in a relationship where someone can get hurt, but then those love songs reach for me, and I want that special someone.  It’s like the world’s biggest oxymoron O.o

I know ya’ll see a lot here about my life and my love wants, hates, and needs.. but it’s the way I am.  I live to love and love to live.  I am looking for my lobster.  Yep, I said lobster, this is an old reference to Friends .  Where Phoebe tells Rachel and Ross they are each others lobsters, because lobsters only have one mate in their lifetime, or some such nonsense… LOL

So, here I sit tonight, with tons on my plate, and really only wanting my dessert.  Unfortunately, dessert is not within my grasp.  *sigh*  Oh well, so I hang out and I wait… and try to make sure I don’t break any hearts in the process and try to keep myself afloat in this eye opening time in my life.  I guess if you ask, you shall receive, and sometimes you receive more than you can handle at one time.

Happy Reading!

<3 Kitty

I wanna go and sit on a beach somewhere.  I wanna sit there and just enjoy the air, water, sun, sand, and well life.  I wanna enjoy it with someone.  I wanna go and sit and have nothing but the two of us.

This is how I picture it….

It’s a warm spring evening, the sun is setting on the horizon.  In the distance a storm is moving in, we are standing on the back porch, watching the waves crash against the beach.  You have your arms around me, nuzzling my neck and telling me how beautiful I am.  As I stand there and soak up all the atmosphere around me, the scent of the ocean, the breeze against my skin, the warmth of the evening sun on my face as it dips down.  The feel of your arms holding me.  That is what I need and want right now.

That being said.. Will I get this?  Not anytime soon

I am at a point to where, I know what I want, and I could have it.  It’s just a heartbeat away, but it’s the fact of it being the way I want it, and that it be right.  I don’t want to just settle.. I want to know that deep down, that is what I am meant for.

This brings me to.. this.

I have a guy in my life, I have known him for years.  He as of late, has shown some strange “tendencies” towards me.  I am not sure what to make of it.  He is a great guy, and my kids get along with him, but I have some conflicts of interest with him.. and I don’t want to ruin a friendship that is as great as what we have.  My problem is… how do you tell someone, “Hey!  Your this fantastic person, but because I have my own issues with you, I would never be able to date you!”  And not crush him????

Then, there is another person in my life, who I like alot, and who likes me alot back.  He is super sweet, and super funny, and cute.  He has already informed me, he would move to Texas, all I have to do is say so.  Which I find absolutely amazing, and a bit flattering.. only thing is.. I wouldn’t ask or tell anyone to do that for me, I am really not worth all the trouble   And I don’t believe in making decisions like that on the fly anyways.

So, now that I have to many frying pans in the fire, because I gotta fit Odessa in here someplace.. Yep.. Odessa, he is close, but I don’t know.  I feel all confuzzled.  I have never been this “available” and had so many people show their interests in me.

I mean, really.  I am just a single mom.  I have nothing special or spectacular about me.  I am just a girl.

So, now that I have talked about this, and it’s been all over the place.. I really kinda know what I want, and yet I can’t have it.  I won’t ruin a friendship for love.  I won’t ask someone to move for me, and well, I think younger isn’t always better, especially after talking with someone my age for a while.  Sometimes the things you want, are out of your grasp, and if they are meant to be, then God will bring them to you.

Happy Reading Ya’ll!

<3 Kitty

Another song by Lady Antebellum.. Their songs speak volumes to me

Everybody keeps telling me I’m such a lucky man
Lookin at you standin there I know I am
Barefooted beauty with eyes that blue
The sun shine sure looks good on you
I swear

Oh I can’t believe I finally found you baby
Happy ever after, after all this time
Oh there’s gonna be some ups and downs
but with you to wrap my arms around
I’m fine

So baby, hold on tight
Don’t let go
Hold onto the love we’re making
Cause baby when the ground starts shakin
You gotta know when you’ve got a good thing

You know you keep on bringin out the best of me
And I need you now even more than the air I breathe
You can make me laugh when I wanna cry
This will last forever I just know, I know

So baby, hold on tight
Don’t let go
Hold onto the love we’re making
Cause baby when the ground starts shakin
You gotta know when you’ve gotta good thing

We got a good thing, baby, woah
So hold on tight
Baby, don’t let go
Hold onto the love we’re making
Cause baby when the ground starts shakin
You gotta know, oh you gotta know
Oh you gotta know, you gotta know
When you got a good thing

We got a good thing baby
Woah, woah, woah, woah

Heard this song on the way into work today.. It’s quite amusing, and fun!

Yea I got a friend from New York City, He’s never heard of Conway Twitty, Don’t know nothing bout grits and greens, never been south of Queens, but he flew down here on a business trip, I took him honky-tonking and that was it, he took to it like a pig to mud, cow to cud

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can’t hide it, when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws, you can’t help but hollerin’ YEE-HAW! When you see them pretty lil’ country queens man you gotta admit that it’s in them jeans, ain’t nothing wrong just gettin on your hillbilly bone-ba-bone bone

Naw you ain’t got to be born out in the sticks with a f-150 and a 30-06. Or have a bubba in the family tree to get on down with me, yea bubba all you need is an open mind, if it fires you up you got a little shine, when it feels so right that it can’t be wrong, come on come on come on you ain’t alone you ain’t alone.

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can’t hide it, when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws, you can’t help but hollerin’ YEE-HAW! When you see them pretty lil’ country queens man you gotta admit that it’s in them jeans, ain’t nothing wrong just getting on your Hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone bone

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can’t hide it, when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws, you can’t help but hollerin’ YEE-HAW! When you see them pretty lil’ country queens man you gotta admit that it’s in them jeans, ain’t nothing wrong just getting on your Hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone bone
Hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone bone
Hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone bone
Hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone bone

Morning all!  Well it’s after midnight.. so this is officially one of my midnight ramblings.. Here goes nothing!

I am in a stupidly funky mood this evening/morning.  I have had to deal with stupidity, family drama, and technological failure.  People freaking amaze me at how selfish they can be.  People freaking amaze me at how stupid they can act.  Nuff said there!

I do have something that I have come to look forward to.  I have developed some great friendships over the past couple of weeks.  I have some amazing people in my life that put up with my crazy ass.  From the random texts and phone calls, to yahoo messenger.. I have a few great people I can turn to.  They know who they are, and I know that at least one of them is a reader here.  I just want to say.. Thank you guys!  Yall help me survive the day and without that communication outlet, I just might explode.  So, I have begun to look forward to that little something during the day, that let’s me know.. Hey, you’re on my mind.

With that said.. Have you ever realized that you could actually feel like your someplace you want to be, but you can’t actually be there?  It’s just become comfy there, and you feel like this is someplace you need to be, but you can’t be there.  Another cryptic little tidbit in this random world of mine.  I have this need to be someplace I am not, and can’t get there… because of all the limitations and hurdles and obstacles.  Ugh!  So, I have to admit it.. there are tears in my eyes, and a want deep in my heart, that cannot be fulfilled.

I think I need to stop here, I may short out the laptop if I continue..

On that little note of discontent.  Yall have a great Thursday!

<3 Kitty