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I pushed away from him knowing it would only hurt us both.  I looked into his soft brown eyes, already full of rejection and knew that this wouldn’t be easy.

“I can’t do this, I can’t put myself in the middle of all that hurt again.  My heart can’t take it.”  I walked away, before he could see the tears in my eyes.

“Syanne!  Wait, I don’t want you to leave, I know I stepped out of line, and I’m sorry.  Please come back!”  Dusty hollered as I walked away.  I shook my head, so he wouldn’t have to see my tears, and walked out the door.

One Year Before

Dusty and I sat at the picnic table by the lake watching children play in the water, as the sun began to set.  It was a hot day in July and we were well into the heat of Summer.  We laughed and joked like we always did, it was our way.  We would hang out all weekend after a grueling week of work, nothing but just hanging out.  Our friendship was one of a kind and I wouldn’t trade anything for the closeness we shared.  Dusty was a good ole country boy that moved to the city to get away from the boring small town life.  I was the city girl, who dreamed of wide open spaces and a place to call home.

Dusty and I met in a college chat room, I know it sounds corny.  I was having problems in my chemistry class and he offered to help me out.  We met up at an all night coffee shop and realized we sat two desks away from each other in chemistry.  We started talking about class and he helped me make it through my homework that night.  We’ve been the best of friends ever since, and that was 10 months ago.  We made a schedule to meet there twice a week to work on homework together.  After a while, we started talking about more than just science.  We were talking about Algebra one evening, when out of nowhere, he asked me about my name.

“Syanne, where did you parents come up with that name.”

I laughed, ” Well, I am named after the color of my eyes,Cyan blue.  When I was born, my eyes were different than other babies, they weren’t the cloudy dark blue, they were this clear bright Cyan blue.  The doctors were worried at first thinking there was something wrong, they did tests and continued to do so throughout the first six months of my life.  They finally realized, that it was just that my eyes were Cyan Blue.  My mom thought they were beautiful, beautiful enough to name me Syanne.” I smiled at him.  He smiled back and we went back to doing our homework.

As I sit here watching the kids play in the sunset, I glance in his direction and smile, knowing, as always, he is there looking back at me.

I never really dawns on you, all the small things that you see.  The small touches and looks, the shy smiles.  After knowing someone for a year, you think it’s normal for them.  It just takes one look at just the right time, to make it all real.

As the sun began to set that day, and I looked over at Dusty, I saw it.  Standing there was not just the Dusty I met 10 months ago.  It was a different kind of Dusty.  One that looked at me, like I was a woman, not just his friend.  Little did I know, that the moment was locked in time, and I would always remember that look on his face.  The look that told me, he wanted more from me, than just my friendship.

I looked into the hole that held my past.  “Six feet may not be deep enough to bury the burdens and the hurt and the pain that you caused me.”  I said in a voice barely above a whisper.  The people around me, were to busy crying and holding each other to notice, that I shed no tears, I held no one, and I smiled as the casket was lowered into the earth.

***********************

It was a sunny day in May, the breeze blew my hair around my face as I stood on the shore of the lake with the water lapping over my feet.  The sensation of the sun on my skin, the water on my feet and the breeze causing my hair to blow wildly around my face, made me smile and giggle out loud.  I turned my face up toward the sun, and heard the tell-tale click of the camera.  I looked back over my shoulder to see Charles standing there with his camera to his face.  I flashed a toothy grin at him then turned back to the sun and water.  I soaked up as much of the sun as I could stand, then turned to Charles and walked slowly toward him, each step brought a click from the camera as the shutter opened and closed.

“You are obsessed with that blasted camera, love.”  I said as I strode purposefully toward him.  He took the camera down from his face long enough to smile at me devilishly.

“Only because you are the most beautiful creature I have ever photographed.”  The camera came back to his face, as the shutter continued to open and close.

I stopped about four feet away from him.  Turned my back to him, and smiled over my shoulder as I reached up to untie the blue bikini string around my neck.  The camera slowly dropped.  “I may need some assistance here, Love.”  Was all it took.  The camera was placed back in the bag, and Charles was at my side.  We kissed softly at first, and as the passion built, everything else fell to the ground.

********************

I was born on Valentine’s Day, at 2:14am.  Ironic, isn’t it?  My mom, thinking it was cute, named me Liebe, she pronounced it like “Libby”, but it meant love in German.  I was a bastard child, conceived outside of marriage, by a father who didn’t know I was even around.  My mom was very open, so to speak, and slept around.  She knew who my father was, but chose not to tell me, just said one day when I was older, I would find out.  When I was thirteen, my mom died of a heroin overdose.  I went to go live with grandma and grandpa in Texas.  Growing up for thirteen years on the coast of California, and then moving to Texas was like taking a fish out of water.  I grew up way to fast out in California, my body developed quickly, and I knew that I was quite pretty.  My red hair, never had a hair out-of-place.  My green eyes always shining.  My teeth were perfect, mom at least made sure of that.  She just knew one day I would be the next big thing.  Unfortunately her heroin addiction outweighed my career.

I started school two weeks after my move to Texas, I stayed to myself and tried not to interact with to many people.  The boys all stared at me, and the girls scowled.  This was something that I would get used to as I grew up, it was a regular occurence.  The first few months seemed like a haze of monotony, the same thing day in and day out.  Go to school.  Come home.  Do homework. Eat dinner.  Go to bed.  Nothing ever changed.  The next three years, seemed almost as uneventful.  I made a few friends, none that I would confide in or spend and inordinate amount of time with, just more of annoying acquaintances.

My freshman year in high school, I met SueAnne, she was a lot like me, but from the East Coast.  She grew up in Georgia, Savannah, to be exact.  She was one of those “Georgia Peaches”.  We had a lot in common.  Her dad was a businessman that moved a lot.  Her mom was a prima donna.  SueAnne and I got close very quickly.  We wore the same types and size clothes and shoes, and were always exchanging clothes.  We blew through our freshman year, and into our sophomore year.

SueAnne and I were pretty much inseparable, one of us was always at the other’s house.  We were more like sisters than friends.  We did everything together, we only dated brothers, and we only went out on dates together.  The boys didn’t seem to mind.  As we moved through our high school years and graduated, SueAnne and I thought about where we wanted to go for college.  I had a desire to get back to the West coast, and she wanted to get back to Georgia.  This was the only thing we ever had a problem with.  We decided on our graduation day, that we would travel for a few months, and then decide for the following year what college we wanted to go to.  We were both pretty smart, and had a GPA of 3.8, college choices wouldn’t be an issue.

Our families, thought it would be a good idea for us to go out and see the world.  The week after graduation, we loaded up SueAnne’s Jeep and hit the open road.  Two free spirits looking for life and possibly love.  Little did we know what we were up against, and the road that fate had us pointed to.

(To Be continued)

My heart was beating out of my chest.

“Howie, where are you taking me?”

“My dear, we are headed to San Francisco.”  He smiled that brilliant smile.  “I hope you don’t mind, I have set everything up.  We will fly back late Sunday evening.”

“Wow, I have never been to California.  San Francisco supposed to be beautiful this time of year.”

“Yes, my dear, it is beautiful this time of year, and I ordered up great weather for us.  I have special plans for us tomorrow as well, ever heard of Farallon Islands?”

“Should I?  I am not to familiar with the West Coast.”

“Well then, you should be superbly surprised then.”  He took my hand and leaned in a placed a kiss softly on my lips.

As we drove to the airport, I couldn’t help but think about this weekend trip.  Seeing as we are spending the weekend together, we would be sharing a room, presumably.  Does this mean, he is ready for that all important next step?  My mind raced as I considered the possibilities.  We arrived at the airport, and walked through the terminals to a small one toward the southern end.  There was a learjet waiting there.  I looked at Howie, my mouth hanging open, with questions in my eyes.

“Dear, I told you I know people.”  He smiled again.

We boarded the plane, and settled into the soft leather seats, and buckled up for the trip West.  The flight was about four hours, and would put us in San Francisco at about eleven o’clock their time.  We arrived with no problems or turbulence on the flight, it was the most relaxing flight, I had ever been on.  I had a small glass of champagne, and some chocolate dipped strawberries, that were completely divine.

We arrived at the Argonaut Hotel on the Fisherman’s Wharf at midnight, and was promptly shown to our suite.  I subconsciously frowned at this, it was a two room suite.  We unpacked our suitcases, and he led me to the balcony, our room overlooked the bay, and you could see the Golden Gate bridge, it was a beautiful site, with the full moon in the sky.  He pulled me close to him, and ran his fingers through my hair. “Your eyes are beautiful in the moonlight, dear.”

I blushed profusely but did not break the gaze.  “Thank you,” I smiled up at him.

He leaned in and kissed me, the intensity burned in my veins, I could feel our hearts beating against each other, and I could hear nothing and everything all at once.  I didn’t want him to let go.  I didn’t want it to end.  I could have died in his embrace, and died happy.  It was an amazing kiss, the most amazing kiss I have ever had.  When he pulled his lips away from mine, I thought I might collapse.  His strong arms held me in place, with the balcony railing behind me.  My eyes were still closed, as he leaned in close, and whispered in my ear, “Bethany…”

He took me back in, and lead me to my room.  “I will see you bright and early my dear.  Breakfast will be here at 7am sharp, be ready.

I undressed in a daze, everything seeming dreamlike, and crawled into bed.  I slept soundly, not even stirring.  I woke up early, blaming the weariness of the night before on jet lag, and climbed into the shower.  I dressed in a pair of blue jean Capri’s and a grey tank top, my tennis shoes and my hair up in a pony tail.  I walked into the main room of the suite, and there was a virtual buffet of food.

“I wasn’t sure what your favorite breakfast items were, so I got a few choices.”  My stomach growled appreciatively as I took in all the smells and sight of the food.  It looked as though there were waffles of every flavor, bacon, sausage, eggs over easy, scrambled eggs, omelets, hash browns and so much more.  I sat down at the small table, and just stared at first, then slowly began picking and choosing.  We ate until we were both full, then he took me by the hand and proceeded to walk me downstairs and to a car waiting in the valet.  It was a sporty little Audi TT, black in color, with tan interior.  The valet handed him the keys, and opened the door for me, I slid into the luxurious leather seat, and off we went.  We shot around the corner and down a couple of blocks to the harbor.  There we met up with the captain of a ship called “Mercy Me”, we hopped aboard and headed out to sea.

The trip took a few hours, Howie fished, and I enjoyed the beautiful sunshine.  After traveling the open sea for a few hours, we came to a small island, there were seal lions playing off the coast.  I dragged my camera out of my camera bag and started snapping pictures.  The captain and Howie were talking quietly behind me, when I saw it.  I shook my head and tried to refocus.  Did I just see a shark come jumping out of the water?  I watched the area again, and didn’t see anything of unusual interest, so I focused on a sea lion that was wading out to sea.  I zoomed in with my camera to try and get a good picture of it swimming on top of the water.  Was doing a multi-shot, when it happened right there on the other side of my lens.  A huge shark came out of the water, catching the poor sea lion in it’s jaws, the shark had to have come about 4 feet out of the water and then gracefully went back under.  I almost dropped my camera.  Howie was laughing hysterically behind me.  I turned to see him doubled over with the captain, laughing.

“Baby, welcome to Shark jumping.  I hope you got some great shots of that Great White.”  He stopped laughing long enough to smile at me.

“That was completely amazing!  Will it happen again?  I wanna get some more shots.”  My eyes instantly focused back out to sea.

“Yes, my dear, they will be jumping all day, not sure how many, but as long as the sea lions are here, they will be as well.”  We spent the next four hours watching the water, and in that four hours, we saw maybe two more Great Whites jump.  I caught one more with my camera, not sure what kind of picture I got, though.  On the way back the sun was starting to set, I took some shots of the sunset on the brilliant blue water.  We arrived back in the harbor, as the sun finally dipped below the horizon.  The stars came out, and the moon graced us with her beautiful presence again.  We went back to the hotel, and cleaned up, and then went to a casual dinner in the hotel restaurant.  We went back to our room a little while later, and we sat on the balcony and talked.  I thanked him for the amazing day, and told him I couldn’t wait to see the pictures.  He stared deep into my eyes, while I talked to him, it seemed as though he was in a far off place.  I took the opportunity to crawl into his lap, and wrap my arms around his neck.  He pulled me close as I lay my head on his shoulder.

“Bethany, dear.”

“Yes, Howie.”

“We leave here tomorrow a bit earlier than I thought we would have to.  Work needs me.”  He stared deep into my eyes, almost pleading with me, asking me to understand.

“Howie, this has been an amazing trip.  If you need to go, then we will go.  Just stay with me tonight.”  My eyes pleaded back.

He sighed into my hair, and wrapped his arms tight around me.  He whispered in my ear, “Bethany…” and carried me in his arms off to his room.  The rest seemed like a wonderful dream.  The soft kisses, touches and caresses, it was as though I were looking at it from a different view, instead of being right there, I was there looking down on us.  We fell asleep in each other’s arms.  My heart ached the next morning when I awoke to find him missing.  There was a note on the pillow.

Went to grab breakfast and a surprise for you.  Be ready and packed when I get back, I have to head back to the office.

Yours,

Howie

I crawled out of bed, took a quick shower, threw on jeans and a t-shirt and pulled my hair back in a quick braid.  I took the opportunity to check my voice mail at the house, and there was none.  I had purposely left my Blackberry there, so I wouldn’t be bothered.

Howie came back with donuts and coffee, and we loaded up in the Audi and headed off to the airport.  He dropped me off at the terminal and took the rental car back.  An hour later we were headed back to Texas on the same plane we flew to California in.  I fell asleep on the flight back, I blamed the jet lag.

We arrived a few hours after take off and he drove me home in the Mazda.  He walked me to the door, gave me a kiss, and told me he would see me soon.

I walked into my empty house, and immediately missed Howie.  My heart sank in my chest, as I realized I would be sleeping alone tonight.  I headed for the office in the house, where my laptop sat, along with my Blackberry.  The light on the Blackberry blinked at me furiously, meaning I had several messages.  I ignored it and booted up the laptop.  My email was overflowing, I replied to the ones that seemed important, my best friend, my aunt and my cousin, then sat there staring at the screen.  Something just didn’t feel right.  I picked up  the blackberry, checked the text messages first, just a few from friends, then the email, work needing me to cover a story.  Same old thing, I sighed.

I went back to my room, and grabbed my camera bag.  I pulled the SD card out of the camera and put it into the card reader attached to my laptop.  The folder opened up and I pulled up the pics from the Zoo the weekend before and the trip from this weekend.  The shark pictures turned out amazing!  The sunset pictures were beautiful.  I kept looking through them though, and had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I couldn’t place what it was, but there was something missing.  I saved the files to a folder on my external drive, and decided I needed a hot steamy bubble bath.  Wandered up the stairs feeling lost and empty, and ran the water, I used a peppermint bath salt to help ease the aches and soreness away.  I got undressed and stepped into the hot water gingerly, slowly sinking into the tub.  I let the scents invade my mind and the soothing sensation of the peppermint salts ease my tired body.  I replayed the weekend over in my head, trying to remember it all.

After soaking for a good thirty minutes, the water was turning lukewarm, I pulled my tired self out of the tub, dried off and slid in between the satin sheets naked.  I drifted off to sleep, and had sweet dreams of Howie.

The following week was busy at work.  No calls or flowers from Howie.  I mustered through my week, hoping for some sign of him, come Friday morning.

I woke up Friday morning, and took my shower, and ran downstairs and flung the door open, hoping to see something on the doorstep.  There was nothing.  No flowers, no card, no Howie.  My heart sank.  I called work and told them I wasn’t feeling well and went back to bed.  I lay there trying to figure out what might have gone wrong.  I thought back to the previous weekends, my mind racing, trying to remember every little detail.

I sat bolt upright in bed.  The pictures, that was it.  They were missing.  The pictures the Captain took of him and I against the sunset.  The pictures of us at the Zoo.  I ran down the stairs to my office.  I plugged in my external harddrive, booted up the laptop and pulled up my photos.  They weren’t there!  The number sequence was off.  What the Hell!!!

I immediately picked up my Blackberry.  I scrolled through the list, looking for Howie’s number.  It wasnt’ there!  Holy Hell!  I know I am not imagining things.  I ran back downstairs, and pulled the card off the refrigerator from the flowers.  There was his note.

I started pacing the floor.  I pulled up the Internet and searched for the law office he worked for.  Not listed.

My heart dropped again.

I picked up my phone, and dialed a number I hadn’t dialed in a while.

“Sam, it’s Beth, I need a favor.”

(To Be Continued)

I stared at my phone for a brief second, before answering it.

“Hello.” I said breathlessly.

“Bethany, it’s Howie, did you get my flowers?”  He asked me in a rush.

“Hi Howie, yes I did, they are beautiful, I love them all.  Where did you find such beautiful colors?”

“I have friends in the business.” he laughed.  “So, would you like to go do something today?  The leaves are changing colors and it’s very nice outside, maybe a trip to the Zoo?”

I stood there looking at the flowers on my dining room table, thinking about the heart stopping kiss from last night.  “Yes, that would be wonderful!  I haven’t been to the Zoo in ages.  Just let me get cleaned up.”

“Okay, so, can I pick you up in about two hours?”

“Sure!  I’ll be ready.  Talk to you soon!” I was all but skipping up the stairs as we hung up.

After a hot steamy shower, I wrapped myself up in a towel and went to stand in the doorway to my closet.  I looked at all the clothes there, with the news playing in the background, the weather was supposed to be sunny and 75 today.  I picked out a pair of black Capri’s with a white 3/4 length sleeve pullover, and a pair of sandals.  I straightened my hair, then pulled it up into a ponytail, put on a tiny bit of makeup and was ready to go.

Howie arrived promptly two hours later, I heard the purr of the Mazda as it pulled into the drive.  He knocked on the door, I hollered for him to come in, as I bounced down the stairs.  I looked up to see him standing there in a pair of jeans, and a black T-shirt, his smile bright and his eyes sparkling.  I walked over to him and he took my hands and leaned in for a kiss.  I kissed him softly and instantly felt that melting sensation.

I slowly and unwillingly pulled away, subconsciously licking my lips for his taste.  “Let me grab my purse, so we can enjoy our day together.”  I grabbed my keys off the hook and my purse off the side table, Howie held the door open and I locked it behind me.  He lead me to the car, and I slid into the soft leather of the passenger seat, and then he was right there beside me.  We drove through town to the Zoo, we got a close parking spot, which seemed like a miracle since the lot was almost overflowing.  Howie paid our admission in, and we set off.  I have always loved the big cats and bears and the aquarium, so we headed in the direction fo the cats via the way of the monkeys.  We wandered through the Zoo hand in hand and talked, and kissed softly every once in a while.  The sun felt marvelous, and the breeze was light, and the animals were all perfectly active, it was almost like a dream.  The day passed lazily and we saw every animal in the place.

After spending four glorius hours looking at every critter in the place, we finally found our way out.  We headed back into town for a bite to eat, and stopped at a little Mexican food place.  I had cheese enchiladas and a margarita, and he had fajitas and a coke.  We talked about our day and ate and talked some more.  That’s when he asked, “So, what flower was your favorite?”

“They were all so beautiful, I don’t think i can choose just one.” I looked down and blushed.

“Well, then I suppose you will just have to be surprised then.”  He took my hand and raised it to his lips, kissing the back of it softly, then turning it over and kissing the palm.  My stomach did flips and I thought my breath would never come back.  “Are you ready to go, my dear?”

I managed to stumble through a ‘yes’, he paid the bill, and walked me back to the car, and drove me home.  He walked me to the door.  I turned to unlock it, and asked him if he would like to come in.  He declined.  I stood there for just a moment, shocked.  Then he turned me toward him, taking me in his arms and kissing me passionately.  Again I felt tingly and floaty, as my body responded naturally, I pressed against him and put my arms around him.  He broke the kiss a short time later, saying, “I can’t stay with you tonight Bethany.”  I could feel my heart break.  I wanted this man, more than I have ever wanted anyone else, and he stood there telling me, no.

I giggled and blushed, “Howie, you devil you.”

“Oh, my dear, I am far from being a devil.” He laughed.

He leaned in close and kissed my cheek, then whispered my name in my ear, “Bethany…” He kissed me again softly on the lips, and told me goodnight.  I walked into the house, shut the door, listening as his car pulled out of the drive, walked up stairs, undressing and sliding into bed.

I had a wonderful dream that night.  I was standing in a meadow, and Howie was there, and all our friends and family were there.  We were being showered with rose petals of every color, and people were congratulating us.  I woke up to a knock at my door.

I sauntered lazily down the stairs, and there were a dozen white roses on the doorstep, no card, no note.  I didn’t need them, I knew they were from Howie.  I put them up on the table beside the others, and then wandered into the kitchen to grab some breakfast.  The day sidled by slowly, and I didn’t hear from him.

The week passed uneventful.  Every morning I woke up to a dozen roses on my doorstep, each dozen a different shade from the last.  I still hadn’t heard from him.

Friday morning, there was a card on the dozen vibrantly pink roses.

Dearest Bethany,

If you would be ready at eight o’clock sharp, I would love to take you on a weekend adventure.

Yours,

Howie

A weekend adventure, my mind raced!  I had to get packed, I called into the office and told them I would be working from home today.  I started packing, and at eight o’clock sharp there was a knock at my door.  I opened the door to a man dressed in a suit and holding a deep green rose.  he lead me to a Limo that was parked outside, and then helped me in.  Howie was there, in jeans and a green t-shirt, with plane tickets in his hands.

“Ready for the time of your life, my dearest Bethany?”

(To be continued)

I looked at myself in the mirror.  The girl staring back at me was a beautiful blonde with a great body, why then did I feel so shy and modest.  I am more of a tigress personality, and normally my clothes will show that.  On any normal date, I would have my tiny black dress on, with my silver heels and my hair in bouncing curls down my back.  Tonight as I stood in my bedroom, with just my bra and panties on, I contemplated what to wear.  We were going to a casual restaurant and then a movie.  The weather was getting cooler, and the theatre might be cold.  I decided to go for casually cute.  I put on a pair of tight fitting jeans, a light pink sweater and a pair of pink heels.  I spritzed myself with a patchouli perfume and then headed downstairs to wait for Howie.

When he knocked on the door, I got butterflies.  When I opened the door, he was standing there in a park of dark blue jeans, a light blue sweater and tennis shoes.  His green eyes searching my face for something.

“Good evening, Beth.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

I giggled, “Good evening Howie.”

I grabbed my purse from the table by the door, and locked up.  He took my hand and walked me to his Blue Mazda RX7, and swung the door open guiding me to the passenger seat.  I slid into the seat and the soft leather caressed me through my jeans.  He shut the door softly behind me, and got in on the driver’s side.

The engine purred to life as he turned the key, and off we went.  He drove the back roads skillfully the car responding to his every touch like they were one.  We arrived at the little sushi place quickly, and he came around and opened the door for me, holding his hand out to help me up.  I stumbled slightly climbing out and fell into his arms, I looked up into his green eyes, then immediately looked down and blushed.  He placed a finger under my chin, and pulled my face up to look at him.  His green eyes were bright as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips.  My heart melted, my knees got weak, and I kissed him back completely.  After what seemed like a decade, we pulled away from each other, closing the passenger door, he took my hand and we walked into the restaurant.

We ordered several rolls, and talked while I sipped on my drink.  Our movie was at eight o’clock, and we had plenty of time to just enjoy each other’s company at dinner.  We talked about his goals and dreams at becoming a successful lawyer and winning the cases for the innocent people that were victimized.  He had strong beliefs in dealing the greatest amount of punishments for those that killed, maimed, and harmed the innocents in the world.  He seemed like a very passionate man.  I told him my dreams of becoming a famous writer one day and eventually moving to my own private island in the Caribbean.

After dinner we walked hand in hand to the theatre around the corner.  We watched a really great horror flick, where I got to hold onto Howie in the scary parts.  After the movie, we wandered over to the arcade, and I tried to play a shooter game with Howie, and he tried to keep up with me on a racing game.  He then won me a cute little stuffed puppy dog out of one of the grab machines.  We laughed and talked on the way back to the car, the autumn breeze blowing through my hair and causing little strands to fly into my face.  We stopped at the car, and he opened the passenger side door, took my hand, and pulled me close to him.  He brushed the stray strands of hair back from my face, looked deep into my eyes, put one hand around my waist and the other under my chin, and leaned in and kissed me.  Time stopped.  I felt like I was floating, and there was nothing that would ever bring me down.  His lips tasted sweet, his tongue soft and warm, my body reacted on instinct alone, as I wrapped my arms around him.  The sound of a horn, broke our kiss, as a group of teenagers drove by hollering out the window of their car.  I smiled sheepishly at him and slid into the soft leather seat of the Mazda.  The drive home seemed dreamy, the images foggy and unclear as I sat there with the sweet taste of his lips on mine, absent mindedly I ran my finger across my still tingling lips, wondering if I could savor the taste a bit longer.  We pulled into the driveway, and he opened the car door for me.  I stepped out, a bit unsteadily, and caught myself before falling into his arms again.  He walked me to the door, with his arm around my waist.

“I had a wonderful time tonight Bethany.”  He smiled at me and his eyes sparkled in the porch light.

“Thank you for a great night Howie, I had a great time.”  I smiled back, hoping he would kiss me again.

He leaned in and placed a kiss on my cheek and whispered my name in my ear, “Bethany…, ” then kissed me softly on the lips and walked back to his car.  I stood there rather dumbstruck, my door was open and my hand on the doorknob, before I realized that I didn’t remember unlocking it, or opening it.  I turned around to the purr of the engine leaving the driveway.  I walked upstairs, dazed and sleepy, sliding out of my heels, and jeans in one languid cat-like motion.  I pulled the sweater up over my head, and grabbed a night shirt off the bedside divan.  Slipping my bra off and the shirt on, I crawled into bed, looked at the clock, it was midnight.  Wow, early night for me!  I slipped off to dream.

I woke up the next morning to a knock at my door.  I stumbled down stairs grabbing a robe on the way, and opened the door.  There standing in the doorway, was a delivery driver with two dozen roses in every color of the rainbow.

“Bethany, I presume.” He said casually.

“Yes.”  I was a bit overwhelmed, as he handed me this beautiful bouquet of roses.

I managed to mumble a ‘Thank you’ as he promptly walked away to his van.  I placed the flowers on the dining room table, and opened the card.

Dearest Bethany,

You stole my heart on a whim last night, your kisses assaulted my senses and your scent blew me away.     Please take these roses, and tell me your favorite one, so that I may send them to you everyday for as long as you will be mine.

Yours,

Howie

My breath stopped.  My heart raced.  My head was spinning.  He was incredible!  I stood there staring at the flowers on my table, and tried to choose my favorite.  It was impossible, they were all perfect, beautifully vibrant, their scent flawless, almost to pretty to be real. I reached to touch one, and my phone rang.

I looked at the caller ID, it was Howie.  What would I tell him now?

(To be continued)

Have I told you that I hate the waiting game?

It’s been a week since Howie thumped into my life at the library, and I haven’t seen or heard from him.  Every time I thought about going out to the club, this little voice in the back of my head would whisper Howie’s name, and I would stay home.  Here I sat again, at the library, same microfiche viewer.  I had on my comfy baggy jeans, and a sweat shirt, Fall was coming in, and it was getting cooler outside.  Is it sad that you get to the Library at ten in the morning when the doors are just opening up, in hopes of running into someone you shared a pizza with?  I sat there, looking at the same microfiche, and not seeing it.  I glanced at my watch, and it was getting close to lunch time.  I started packing up my stuff to go grab a bite to eat at the deli across the street.  I pushed my chair in and turned right into Howie.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to….” The words stopped.  There he was, smiling at me.

“I thought I might catch you here.  Wanna grab a bite to eat?”  He asked softly.

“Sure, I was about to walk over to the deli across the street.”  He motioned for me to head for the doors of the library, and then held the door open for me.

We walked down to the cross walk on the corner of Main and First, and crossed the street, he reached down and casually took my hand.  We sat in a booth by the window, and I ordered a BLT with cheese and Avocado, he ordered a Roast beef on rye.  We both had a coke to drink.  As we ate, we chatted, he asked about my week, and I asked about his.  I watched the people walk by, and saw a few leaves start to fall.

“Beth?  I have a question for you.”  His voice brought me back from my daydream.

“Yes, sir?” I smiled at him.

“I was wondering, if I could take you to dinner tomorrow night and then maybe a movie or something?”  He actually looked like he blushed.

I smiled up at him, ” I would love to.”

We did the ceremonial swapping of cell numbers, and I gave him my address.  He walked me back to the library, and leaned in and gave me a kiss on the check.  ” I will pick you up at six o’clock.”  He smiled at me, and then walked off into the Autumn breeze.  I practically skipped down to the parking garage.  Got into the car and drove home singing a new tune.

(To Be Continued)

I used to think it was as simple as hello and goodbye.  You walk into a bar, you sit down, a guy walks up, buys you a drink and three or four hours later, your getting dressed and walking out of his life, just as quickly as you came into it.  It was the same thing every Friday and Saturday night.  That is the life I lead.  Every weekend, someone different.  I was young, stupid, and didn’t know what love was.  Everyone says its all butterflies, rainbows and happy thoughts, that sounds like a bad acid trip to Oz to me.  So, what do you do to change this awful habit that you develop at such a young age, and what makes you think this is what love is like?  Let me tell you my story….

I was adopted at the young age of five.  My birth parents gave me up at the age of two, saying they weren’t ready to be parents yet.  The family that adopted me, took me in full of love and joy and happiness.  Mom was a doll.  She was 5’2″ and all of a hundred pounds, she had beautiful vibrant red hair that fell in curls all over, and these brown eyes that looked like chocolate.  Dad was 6’3″ and he had Dark brown hair and Dark brown eyes, they suited him well.  I was fine for the first 4 years I lived in this happy, fun place.  I got anything I wanted, all I had to do was look up at them with my big green eyes and stick out my bottom lip, and there it was.  Mom and I would shop every weekend, we would hit all the outlet malls, I had designer everything!  From shoes, to purse to jeans, there was no limit.  Rachael, my mom and Steve, my dad, were very well off.  Dad owned his own company, and he sat back and told everyone what to do.  So, that gave Mom and I plenty of money and time on the weekends to do and go where we wanted.  I was so happy those first four years.  Then I turned nine, and things started to change in the house.

Oh yeah, by the way, my name is Bethany, and I was born on Halloween, which is also my favorite holiday.  Anyways, On my ninth birthday, Mom decided to throw a huge Halloween party at the house and invite all of our friends and their children.  It was an amazing night, we bobbed for apples, and had birthday cake, and a costume contest, and the adults sat back and sipped champagne and ate little mini quiches and puff pastries.  it was everything that a girl could dream of.  I went as a princess, in a pretty pink dress that showed off my newly budding curves, and a beautiful cubic zirconia tiara.  My Dad said I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen, even prettier than Mom.  That made me feel really special.  With my blonde hair pinned up in tight little curls that fell down my back, and my little silver heels that mom bought especially for that night, I felt really pretty, and when Dad confirmed how pretty I was, that made it so much more pleasant.

The night wore on, and it was well after midnight when the guests all left.  I was pretty exhausted myself, and at nine, that is kinda late to stay up.  Mom was a little tipsy from all the champagne, and was headed off to bed.  Dad took me upstairs and helped me take my tiara off and pull my hair out of all the pins.  I slipped out of my dress and heels and into a nightgown, and he tucked me in.  He told me how beautiful I looked that night, and that he couldn’t imagine having a prettier little girl.  He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead, and then kissed me on the lips.  I was shocked by that, and pushed him away…..

I don’t remember much after that, I remember him telling me that I was pretty, the prettiest girl in the whole world, and how one day I would make some boy very happy, but tonight it would be him.  I just kept hearing that over and over.  This went on for years.  I was 15 when I finally told Mom.  She denied it.  I left.  Ran away.  I called her two weeks later, and she told me that Steve had left, and that he wasn’t coming back.  I came home.  She divorced Steve, and we got half of everything.  Steve killed himself about 3 weeks after the divorce.  I got everything else.  He willed everything to me.

I went to college straight from high school.  I majored in Journalism and minored in photography.  I also studied the bars and clubs.  I lived in them when I wasn’t doing homework.  That’s when the habit formed.  I would walk in, my platinum blond curls bouncing, my green eyes hungry, my curves just asking to be touched.  Every night, a different boy.  This was a common occurrence.  There were a couple of nights, I moved from one boy to the next.  I used them, I was the prettiest girl in the whole world..right?  That’s what Dad had always said, and it was my job to make some boy very happy.

So, here I sit, twenty three years old, and enough notches on my belt, to make a sailor blush.  My friends kept telling me I needed to take a break from the bar scene, and just try to be more ‘normally’ social.  Whatever that means.  I work at the local paper writing a ‘social’ column and I do photography jobs when they come up, weddings and proms are my big payers.  When I sit there and I look at the bride and groom in a wedding and I take the pictures of them, and see them look at each other with that look in their eyes, I wonder, will that ever be me?

The first wedding I ever did, the bride and groom loved my pictures, and referred me to everyone they knew, so for the next year, I was booked to do her sister, niece, aunt, best friend, and her friend’s friends, and so on and so forth.  I was busy at least one weekend out of every month for wedding shoots.  During the week I was working on articles for the paper.  I noticed that I was only hitting the bars and clubs 3 weekends out of the month.  Maybe I could shake this nasty habit.

That’s when I met him.  It was a Friday afternoon and I was trying to finish up an article on a local charity event, and was trying to get some research done at the library downtown.  I had my ‘research clothes’ on.  A pair of jeans, white tank and a light sweater, it was cold in the library, and my favorite pair of tennis shoes.  I had my hair pulled up in a pony tail and a pencil in my mouth, while I was perusing the microfilm.  I heard a thump behind me, and there was a man standing there looking at the microfiche viewer like it had assaulted him.  He was wearing a pair of loose fitting jeans, a blue polo, and a pair of running shoes.  He had Black hair and startlingly green eyes. 

Next thing I know he is letting out a quiet stream of curse words that would make even the saltiest of pirates in a movie blush.

“Can I help you?”  I asked gently, not wanting to anger him anymore.

“Damn machine, it won’t turn on, I hit the button and no power.”  He again looked at the Microfiche viewer like it had assaulted him.

“Ummm, that’s not the power button.”  I then reached over and turned the viewer on with a switch in the back.  “That’s just to turn the light off and on.”  I giggled and turned back to my own research. 

“Thank you, I now feel like a complete idiot, and wish I was in a hole hiding.”  He said as he pulled the chair out and sat down to look at the microfiche he had.  “Dammit to Hell, why is it all turned around?  Excuse me, ma’am, could you assist me one more time?”

I turned to look at him, and he had this lost look on his face, which made his lips look extremely kissable.  “I suppose I could.  What’s the issue?”

“The film looks like it’s upside down, and I can’t figure out how to change it, there aren’t any switches to flip it.  As you can tell, I am quite new to the whole microfiche, research, library type things.  Please forgive me my ignorance.”

I suddenly felt this lurch in my stomach.  “Let me take a look.”  I moved over to his viewer and pulled the archived document out and turned it around, and slid it back into the viewer.  Took a look and everything was right side up and clear as a bell.  “There ya go.”

“Wow, amazing!  Do you work here, are you a librarian?” 

“No, sir, I work for the local paper.  I am here doing research about three times a week.”  I held out my hand, ” My name is Bethany, if you need anything else, let me know.”

“Thank you kindly, Bethany.  My name is Howie, that is short for Howard, but only my Mom is allowed to call me Howard.”  He shook my hand softly, and then turned back to his viewer.

The afternoon wore on, and in the midst of the silence of the library, there was a huge grumbling of my stomach.  I hadn’t realized it was so late.  I heard a chuckle from behind me, and realized Howie was snickering at me.

“You sound like you need to have dinner bought for you.”  He said, still chuckling.  “I know a good pizza place right around the corner.  If you would like to go?”  He looked away, almost shyly.

My stomach lurched again.  “That sounds great.  You don’t have to buy my dinner though.”

“But I would really like to.”  His eyes seemed to be pleading with me.

“Okay.  Let me just gather all my stuff up and put this microfilm back in it’s rightful place.”  I started to get up, straightened up my research work, and put all the microfilms I was working on, back in their assigned spots, grabbed my backpack, and we headed out the door and around the corner to Luigi’s Pizza and Pasta.

We got a table quickly, and the waitress asked us what we would like to drink.  I ordered a coke and he ordered an iced tea.  “So, what do you do for the local paper?”

“I write a local social column, well they call it a social column.”  I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“I think I read that column, are you Beth Thangler?”  He seemed truly awed.

I laughed again, “Yes, that’s me.  Scary isn’t it?”

“Your columns are fun and very informational, I enjoy reading them.”  He looked very sincere when he said it.  His eyes were soft and his smile genuine.

“Thank you.”  Again my stomach lurched.

Our waitress brought our drinks out, we ordered a cheese and black olive and hamburger pizza, and sat and talked about the weather, and some of the local events, and upcoming events.  We ate our pizza and chatted some more.  I learned he was a law student and was due to graduate in the next year.  He worked at the DA’s office part time and went to school the rest of the time.  He grew up in a small town just north of here. 

He paid for the dinner, and told me he really enjoyed talking to me, and said he hoped to see me in the library again sometime.  Walked me out the door, and to my Camaro parked in the Library parking garage.  Told me good night, and walked away.  My stomach did a complete flip flop, as I watched him walk away into the night.  I got into the Camaro, started it up, and pulled out of the garage, and drove out to the house.  It was a long drive, with nothing but the roar of the V8 engine and the thoughts of Howie in my head.  I pulled into the drive way, and realized how lonely it was going to be tonight.  I considered going in, throwing on my little black dress and my favorite heels, and hitting the bar.  Then I thought about his green eyes, and those lips that just begged to be kissed.  I went inside, crawled into my favorite pair of flannel pajamas, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked, and curled up on the couch and watched Gone With the Wind.

Howie crossed my mind quite a bit that weekend, and I stayed in the whole weekend, cooking myself a small dinner on Saturday evening, and watching movies I loved growing up as a child in this very house.  I thought about what Mom might think of how I had grown up.  I thought about all the things I had been doing to myself.  That weekend was a life turning weekend. 

Now, if I could just get Howie to see me again.  I didn’t have his number, and didn’t give him mine.  But, he knew who I was, if he wanted to, he could contact me.  So, I started the wait. 

(to be continued)

I scrambled back as fast as I could, it couldn’t be him!  I saw him laying there all crumpled and bloody, arms and legs in angles they shouldn’t have been.  How?  How was he standing there?

“Jesse, wait, let me explain!”  He took a step toward me cautiously. “Please, just trust me for a moment.”  Those blue eyes pleaded with me.

I stopped backing up, and sat there on the fresh dirt, trembling and stuttering incoherently.  Suddenly everything started to go dark, and I started to hyperventilate.  “Jesus, Jesse!  Breathe baby, breathe.”  He rushed over to me.  The last thing I saw was his hand reaching for me.

*                                                      *                                                     *

“Dad, it’s the only way I could make sure.  No, I want her out of our lives!  I don’t want her to have anything to do with us anymore.  She doesn’t exist to me anymore.  Goodbye!”

“Josh?  Am I dead?  Why are you here?  This doesn’t make sense.”  I spoke it all slowly, trying to believe my own words that Josh was alive.

“Jesse, your waking up!  You gave me quite a scare.  Doctor says you and the baby are fine.  Once you are completely awake and able to handle it all, I will explain.”  I felt his lips on my forehead, they were warm and soft.

I struggled to pull myself up to a sitting position, and slowly opened my eyes.  I was in a room, not my room, and not a hospital room.  “Where am I?”

“You’re at my house, it’s the guest room.  How ya feeling?”

“Fine I think.”  I looked down, and I was in a hospital gown.  “Do you just have medical facilities on site?”  I looked at him puzzled.

“No, silly.  I called my family physician in, he brought the hospital gown and stuff.  I just wanted to make sure you were as comfy as possible.”  He looked at me and smiled.

“Okay, can I have a drink of something, my mouth is a bit dry.”  He reached over to a bedside table, and handed me a small glass of ice water.

“Okay, so why are you here, and not six feet under, and what were you telling your dad when I came to?”  I put the glass back on the small table, and looked at him intently.

“So, this is kinda complicated, and you may get very mad at me, but just remember this.  No matter what happens between us or to us, I will love you always.  Okay?”

“Okay”

“I staged my death.  Why?  Because I knew something was going on.  I needed to find out what.  So, I hired an investigator, and worked with the local law enforcement to make it all work and be possible.  This could have ended worse.  My mom is being brought on charges, because of the harassment and possibly a charge of attempted involuntary manslaughter.  In the past, there have been times that it ended worse, but they have to be proven that it was her that caused the deaths.  Yes, deaths.  She wasn’t counting on me falling in love this time.  She wasn’t counting on me catching on to the scheme this time.  In the past, she would just threaten the girls until they did something stupid, or killed themselves, because she would get to them that bad.  I can’t help but feel guilty now.  They are dead all because of me.”  He paused a moment and took a long deep breathe.  “So, I set it up.  I made sure mom knew how I felt, and that I was going to take you to Colorado this November and propose to you.  She was furious, I could see it in her eyes.  I had him watching her every move.  I had him hacking her email accounts.  I had him following letters.  I knew it all.  I had to make her pay.  So, we found a double.  I was the one who came to your door that morning.  I was the one who walked away.  My double was the one in the car.  I was in another vehicle in the parking lot.  I didn’t expect you to follow like that.  I didn’t want you to see the accident.  It killed me to watch you fall to the ground as you fainted.  I couldn’t run to you, I couldn’t cradle you in my arms.  I just had to watch.  It was tricky getting it all set up.  We knew where the accident would occur.  We just didn’t count on you being there.  Luckily it was believable enough.  So, I sat back and watch them ‘bury’ me.  I sat there and wondered where you were.  That’s when the investigator got what he needed.  The last email to you from her, and your email back.  When I found out that you were pregnant, it took all my self control to not run to you, and pick you up and hold you.  We watched her.  She drove to your apartment.  We watched her leave.  She is now on her way back to the states.  She is going to jail.  For a long time.”  He looked up at me.

“Josh, I….I…”  I started to cry.

“I know babe.  It’s hard for you to see me here.  It must have been hard to think that  Iwas dead.  But I am not.  I am here..living, breathing, and ready to be a dad.  I want to marry you, and have babies…lots of babies!!  Jess, I love you so much, being away from you almost killed me.”  He reached over and took my left hand, the one with the ring he gave me.  “Marry me!  This weekend!  What ever you want!”  I almost fainted again.

“Yes!  Yes!  Yes!!!”  I pulled him close to me and kissed him.

*                                             *                                                      *

Two years have passed.  Josh and I live in that big house in Weatherford.  With our blue eyed baby boy, toddling around the house.  His mom went to prison, life sentence.  They got her for two other ‘suicides’.  His dad Frank comes up and sees us and the baby every weekend.  We named the baby Joshua Franklin.  He was born in April the year after the accident.  It’s amazing how something so small can change your entire outlook on life.

There really can be a happily ever after…..

The End

She walked through my door, Gucci purse in her hand and a pair of Prada shoes on her feet.  Her blonde hair fell to her shoulders in soft curls, and blue eyes softly accented with a light shadow and liner.  Her hands were perfectly manicured, and her suit tailored.  She looked me up and down as I stood there in shock at the entry way.  She had his eyes.

“I know we haven’t met formally, I am Jillian, Josh’s mom.”  She held out her perfectly manicured hand to me, I took it gingerly and shook it.  “I have something of his that he would have wanted you to have.  I hope you don’t mind me just showing up.”

I was struck speechless.  I stood there and looked into his blue eyes.  Several things tumbled through my mind at that point.  How did she know where I lived and who I was?  What would he have wanted me to have?  Why do I feel very uncomfortable with her here in my apartment?

“I apologize, I am just not quite sure what to say at the moment.  It has been a very stressful time.”  I managed to say, stumbling through the apology.  “Would you like something to drink?  I have some Orange Juice, or hot tea?”

“No, thank you, though.  I just wanted to stop by and drop this off for you.”  She reached into her Gucci bag, and pulled an envelope out.  “He was saving up for a trip for you two.  He told me about it, just a few weeks before the accident.  I am sure he would want you to have this.  Also, there is a letter in there from him, from when you two broke up.  I am sure that he would have liked you to have it as well.  Again, I apologize for the intrusion.  I need to go ahead and leave, I am flying out to the Virgin Isles here in a few hours.”  At that she handed me a big yellow envelope, and walked out my door, leaving me standing there.

“Thank you.”  I managed to squeak as the door shut.

I walked slowly over to the kitchen counter, and leaned against it for support.  I opened the clasp on the big yellow envelope and looked inside.  There were several pieces of paper and another smaller white envelope.  I unceremoniously dumped it all out on the kitchen counter.  There was the shuffle of paper, and a small tinkling as something metal hit the counter.  There was a glint of silver and green under the light, and I realized it was a ring.  An small square emerald on a silver band.  I picked it up and tears welled in my eyes.  I put it back down on the counter, and picked up the papers that were now scattered all over the counter.  There was a receipt for a hotel in  Colorado in November, along with the vouchers for the plane tickets.  I slid them carefully back into the envelope, and looked at one sheet that seemed to just stare back at me.

It was a letter to me, from Josh, it was dated the day of the accident.

My dearest Jesse,

I haven’t slept in about 4 days.  It kills me to close my eyes, all I do is see you.  I see the way you looked in the river with your hair wet and falling over your shoulders.  I see the way your eyes would light up whenever you saw me.  I see the way you would smile at me when you wanted me in your arms.  I still feel those arms, tight around me.  I am laying here in bed and debating whether I want to drive out there, and grab you and run off to another place and time, where I know we will always be together.

Instead I sit here, and torture myself.  I look over at the picture we took at the mall in the little photo booth.  I listen to our songs, over and over.  I never realized how much someone could love, until you said goodbye.  I never knew how much it would hurt to not have you in my life.  I don’t know what caused it, but I want to fix it.  I want it to be better.  I want us to be together again.

Jesse, please just come to me, tell me all of it, tell me what happened, who did this to us?  You know I am here for you, and that I would be here for you no matter what.  The only thing that would keep us apart….is death.

Dammit..I am on my way…

The note ended suddenly, like his life ended.  Suddenly and for no reason.  I let some person influence me, and let me believe things that weren’t true.  I could have prevented this, if I had just followed my heart.

I slid the letter back into the big yellow envelope.  My eyes moved to the small white envelope.  I picked it up and it seemed heavy.  It was sealed.  I opened it carefully, and dropped it to the counter, putting my hand over my mouth.

It just couldn’t be…..

I picked it up and began to count.  There was over $100,000 dollars in the envelope.  What in the hell was Josh thinking?  A small slip of paper fell out as I tried to put the money back in.

Jesse,

This isn’t from Josh.  It’s from Jillian, I wanted to make sure that the baby was taken care of.  I mean, if I hadn’t been such a control freak, Josh would be here today to help you take care of the child.  I would love to be involved in your lives.  I won’t interfere though.  Please don’t hate me.  I just wanted to make sure that my baby did right.  Little did I know that you were the right one for him.  He saw it clearly, from the day you met.  Again, I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Jillian

I slumped to the floor, sliding down the side of the kitchen cabinet.  It was her.  I let her stand here in my kitchen.  She killed him.  Now, I have to spend my life raising a child that should have had an amazing dad, all because of her.

I slowly got up form the floor, tears flowing angrily from my eyes.  I got dressed, and got in the truck and drove.  Drove all the way out to the graveyard in Weatherford, where Josh was laid to rest.

I sat there on the ground at his headstone.  The ring he gave me on my left hand.  His note in my right hand.

“I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell you the way I really felt.  It’s funny how things work out.  All this time, I knew that I loved you, but I didn’t want to.  Why?  Because I didn’t want to get hurt.  So, I told myself, it’s not worth it all.  I told myself, all he will do is hurt you and leave you.  I told myself, the night I told you I didn’t want to see you anymore, that I wasn’t in love with you.  I told myself up until the day you died.  Then I told myself how stupid I was.  I told myself how ignorant I was to ignore all those feelings.  Now I sit here, with a ring, a letter, and your child on the way, and that is all I have left of you.  I found out today that it was your mom.  I felt guilty, because I thought this was my fault.  It wasn’t, and I feel a little better.  I just wish that you were here, that I could hold you one last time.”  I leaned down and kissed his name on the headstone.

“Jesse?” A voice from behind me said.

I turned around, and there was Josh.  I screamed, and started to scramble backwards on my hands.  He saw the horror in my eyes, and started waving his hands to stop me.

“No!  Your dead, I saw you!!”

(More to Come)

I woke up the next morning to a pounding on my door.  I lay there thinking…If I ignore them, they will go away.  The pounding got more insistent.  I crawled grudgingly out of bed, and threw a pair of sweats on.  “I’m coming!” I yelled through the apartment, at the door.  I looked out the peep hole, and it was Joshua.  My heart stopped in my chest.  I unlocked the door, and slowly opened it.

“Jesse, I need to talk to you, it’s important!” He all but yelled at me.  His eyes pleading and dark circles under them.

“Josh, it’s 7am on a Saturday, what the hell are you doing?”  I opened the door a little wider.  He was standing there in a pair of pajama pants, flip flops, and a white tee shirt.  I stepped back from the door, with a worried look on my face.

“Jess, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.” He said as he made his way passed me, to stand in the entry way.  He looked like he hadn’t slept in several days, and was a total wreck.  “I really need to talk to you about this last week.  I think that we need to reevaluate everything.  I can’t get you out of my head.  I can’t get you out of my heart.  I have never felt this way about anyone.  It’s a little scary, and yet totally amazing.  I think about you all the time.  Your in my dreams, your in my thoughts, even when I’m not really thinking about you.  A song comes on, and I think of you.  I hear the rumble of a truck, and I think about you.  I go to Wal Mart and I think about you.  You are like an addiction, one that I need to either continue to hold on to…or die without you.”  He looked at me, and there were tears in his eyes.

“Josh, I can’t…you don’t understand.  It’s not really me…”  I stopped, and he saw the look on my face.

“No….she didn’t!  I told her not to interfere anymore.  I told her that she couldn’t control me anymore!  This is it.  It’s done, I won’t let her continue to do this!!”  He stormed out the door, the last thing I heard was, ” I am going to kill her this time!!”

I threw a pair of flip flops on, and grabbed my keys and purse.  I didn’t know if I could keep up with him in the truck, but I was damn well gonna try.  I reached the door of the truck and had it started and backed out, while he was just going through the security gates of the apartments.  I could hear the tires spin on pavement as the gate finally opened.  I followed suit.  He raced through the side streets, out to the highway, out toward Weatherford.  I pushed that truck as hard as I could to stay with him, he always stayed far enough ahead, that I could just see the glint of yellow in the distance.  He weaved his way in and out of traffic.  He took the off ramp at a high rate of speed, and blew right through the stop sign, and was sideswiped by a Ford Expedition.  It all happened in slow motion.  One minute he was there, the next he wasn’t.  I slowed down, and threw the truck in park, grabbed my cell phone, and called 9-1-1.  I got to the porche, and he wasn’t there.  I looked around…

I could hear the voices…I could hear the sirens…I could hear my heart.  I saw him laying there on the ground.  His body twisted up in angles, it really shouldn’t twist.  Everything seemed to stop.

I woke up in a hospital room.  Bright lights, and voices.  Shelly was there, her hand in mine.

“Nasty spill you took there, paramedics said you just passed out.  You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.”  She looked at me with that look, the one I knew all to well.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

“Yes, hun, he is.  He was DOA.  They couldn’t do anything to help him.  He didn’t have his seatbelt on, apparently and went through the passenger side window.”

I started to cry.  I continued to cry for the next several days, off and on.  The funeral came and went, I didn’t go.

About a month after the accident, I was feeling kinda nauseous, I thought it was from all the meds I had been on, and was slowly taking myself off of.  This went on for a few days.  I finally decided to go into the doctor.  He took some blood, ran some tests.  Came back in, and told me I was pregnant.

I woke up a few minutes later, to a cold compress on my head.

“Are you sure?” I asked, rather shakily.

“Yes ma’am.  Do you remember the last time you had your cycle?”

“Yeah, it was about a month and a half…oh hell…I am…Oh my God!  I am having Josh’s baby.”  I reflexively put my hand on my stomach.  I left the doctor’s office, in a rather shaken up state.

*                              *                                 *

A week after my visit to the doctor, I got an email from the unknown person.  It simply said:

It’s your fault he is dead.  Now you don’t have to worry about him messing with your head anymore.  It’s probably for the best.  Just know that I will hate you for as long as we are both on this Earth, for what you have done to me.

I replied with this:

Well, you can hate me, for as long as you like.  I will always have something to remind me of Josh.  I am having his child, and it isn’t my fault that he is dead.  It’s yours.  Your the one he was coming for.  Your the one that caused this.  If you had just kept your nose out of his life, he would still be alive today, and he would be here to help care for this life coming into the world, within the next 8 months or so.  You can rot in hell you lowsy Bitch!

I sent it, with tears in my eyes.

It wasn’t long after, that I got a knock on my door.  I looked through the peep hole, and my breath caught.  I opened the door slowly, wondering…what could have brought her here?

(More to come)