Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

March is here.. and hopefully will be a bit less hectic than February was.

I had the opportunity to go to New York for work.  It was interesting being there this time.  The last time I was in New York was in the Summer of 1992.  This was no leisure trip.. that’s for sure.  I spent 80% of my time in a car driving all over the place.

While I was in New York.. my huney’s apartment flooded, and we came back to a huge mess.  We finally got him moved from his old place into a new apartment, and got all his stuff packed up safely.  He is staying here at my place until we can get him a bed.  All of his furniture was ruined.  It was terrible..

On a similar note.  Jay and I have been together for 8 months.  We talked about getting a house together, but that has been placed on hold.. for the moment.  I am extremely happy with my life right now.  I am completely spoiled and love it.

My mom and Andy are talking about going to Louisiana next week for Spring Break, and that means that Jay, Ezri and I are on our own.  I am considering a trip to the Zoo and then maybe a trip to Glenrose!  Fossil Rim Wildlife Park and maybe Dinosaur Valley

Well, I am off to bed.. didn’t realize it was almost 1130 O.o

Ya’ll have a good night!

<3 Kitty

First of all I want to warn you I am posting from my phone so spelling and grammatical errors are quite likely.

Tis the season to be jolly? In some places, yes, here at home it’s a bit stressed and hectic. I did see some interesting things this holiday season.

I saw a man step up.
I saw a Dad step back.
I saw a child give.
I saw a mom give up.
I saw a family unite, even if it was for just a moment.
I saw love grow.
I saw joy in a handhold.
I saw happiness in a hug.
I saw laughter and delight in a child’s eyes.
I saw music in a soul.
I saw giving.
I saw thanking.
I saw a future in a past.
I saw a past return to haunt.
I saw the hope.
I saw the wonder.
I saw the love.

I saw many things this holiday season. Some were good, some were bad. Some will haunt me for the rest of my days and some will bring joy to my heart forever.

I watched my daughter grow up in the blink of an eye. I saw my son as reality tapped him on the shoulder. I fully understand that once a person is a liar… They will always be a liar. Once a man disappoints the ones who love him, he will grow weak in their eyes. Here I sit on Christmas night with my family enjoying their gifts and feeling the effects of a long day, and all that goes through my mind is… Will the ones who need to grow up and show up have the ability and the balls to do it?

I ramble on and on as I fight back the tears, because I see the me in them and the hurt it causes. Y’all have a blessed new year and see you on the flip side!

<3 Kitty

I apologize for not being here.  It’s been a bit of a busy time at my house.  My mom had surgery at the end of October.  I have been working and trying to make sure I have all my ducks in a row.  Well, then there was this issue of Mom going back in the hospital, which was hard for both of us.  I hate seeing her in pain.  They gave us the run around and told us it was her stomach, it wasn’t.  After several tests they discovered she had 6 gallstones in her liver from her gallbladder surgery back in October and also ‘sludge’ whatever that might be.  They removed them, and she is feeling much better

Now that Mom is almost back to normal, I have the Holidays coming up.  I am financially stretched at the moment, what with missing work for Mom and well, other things.  So, with two kids who are electronically inclined, and one of them that still thinks that Santa exists (I just can’t break her heart), it’s gonna be rough this year.  We may have guests for Christmas this year as well.  So much stress, and hullabaloo, I just wish I could just have a normal not to stressful holiday to give the kids what they want.  I hate not being able to give them what they want for Christmas.

I do have some other things that are renew to me this year.  I have a boyfriend to share the holidays with, I haven’t done that in quite a few years   I am looking forward to cooking this Thanksgiving for my family and for him.  I love cooking

Well, I guess I am out for now.. I will see you all later!  Have a great Thanksgiving!!

<3 Kitty

I have to say that I have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet.  He went through some stuff with me today, and he saw a side of me, not many have seen.  He was patient and supportive through it all!  He is truly amazing!

As some of you may know, my Mom had surgery today.  Well, my honey was there to support me through it all.  It was one helluva stressful day.  Mom came through it okay, she was quite discombobulated and confused at first, but resting well.  I am hoping that tomorrow will be a much less stressful day.  I think once she gets some rest, she will be okay.

Well, I just wanted to check in and get all that out of my head.  Gonna try and get some rest.. maybe…

<3 Kitty

I seem to be sighing alot lately..

I have lots on my mind.. It’s like a train of stuff that never stops.  From my mom having surgery soon, to all the new beginnings that are happening around me, to my wonderful boyfriend, and the thought of where we may be going.

I mentioned new beginnings.. One of my best friends at work got married this weekend, and I am soo excited and happy for her, she is in such a good place, and he loves her and will take care of her.  She deserves that in her life!  She was absolutely beautiful in her dress on Friday night.

Another new beginning is with my best friend in Georgia, he and his girlfriend are pregnant   I am gonna be the ‘official unofficial aunt’!  I am super excited for them   Bringing a new life into the world is an amazing thing, I wish that I were closer to them so that I could share all the joys!  I will start shopping as soon as we know for sure it’s a girl.. or boy.. lol

My boyfriend and I are trucking right along, he is amazing!  I was having a totally crappy day today at work, and he made me smile and laugh.  I wonder where we are headed.. I have fears.. like everyone in a relationship.  I wish I knew all the thoughts in his head about us.. lol.  When we first talked about pursuing a relationship, I asked him what he really wanted out of life.. he said kids.  Well, he knows I can’t give him kiddos… It’s physically impossible.. so I came into this relationship knowing this and so did he.

I have so much going on in my head.. My fears are oppressive at times.. and have gotten to where I have brought them into my sleep and have started having nightmares.. it’s terrible.  I guess all I can do at the moment is just try and deal with it.

Well, I am off to go entertain myself.  Ya’ll have a good night!

<3 Kitty

We walked hand in hand.  You stopped and put your arms around me, and whispered in my ear.  I looked at you and smiled.  This is where I needed to be.

Lately, I dream of you and how it could be.  Hand in hand, side by side, my head on your shoulder, and you smiling at me.  Only problem, my heart doesn’t seem to allow it.  It’s not because of you, it’s because of me.  I have all these back set emotions and feelings.  I have all the previous hurts and fears from previous relationships.

I don’t want to be that girl.

I don’t want to be the girl who comes in and wraps you up in love and then walks away, because I can’t trust or feel the way I should.

I don’t want to stand back, though.  I want to be caught up in all the fun and romance of something new!  I want the secret glances of that little secret love.  I want the teasing touch and soft smile.  I want the brush of your hand across mine.  I want to look into your eyes and see all that and more.

I am on a lost path, long forgotten and thrown away.  I dream about you.  I see you.  I want to feel you.  But… then I sit back and think about it all.  Is it worth all the pain and hurt in the end?  I don’t want to hurt you, and yet the possibility to do that is there.

I think it stems from the fact, that I tell myself, I am not ready for a relationship.  I am not ready for that person who is always in my life and willing to be there for me. I tell myself this everyday, and then you cross my mind.  More and more so, lately.  Am I just telling myself lies, so that I can make my excuses?

I thought about it, all this weekend.  I thought about what it would be like.  I never came to a conclusion, because that isn’t something you can just imagine.  I asked myself.. Christy, are you ready to step outside your little shelter of no hurt and take a step into a new reality?  I couldn’t answer myself.  I couldn’t.

Is this because answering it, brings it all to the forefront and into my reality?  Does this make it really real?  I know how you feel.  I can hear it, see it.. and you have told me as much.  Are we both willing to jump off the deep end and forget our past hurts to delve into something foreign to us?

I guess that is something I will have to investigate and wonder about.. until then.. see you in my dreams.

<3 Kitty

Change…

Is it truly possible?  Animals cannot change their spots or stripes.  People can change their appearance, this is true.  With plastic surgery, hair die, tanning.. whatever pleases them.  But, can a person truly change?

I myself think that some people can change some things, as a whole though, the person is still that person through and through.  Yes, I can tell you that I have changed, but not as a person, just in my demeanor and some of my wants and needs.  We all hold onto those things deep inside that will never change us, no matter how we try.

The man who beats his wife and children.. when pulled from that place.. will say he has changed, but in fact he hasn’t and will go back to beating them again.  The alcoholic who gets thrown into prison, and lives there for years, and says he has changed and has learned to live again, is released and goes straight to the bar to have a drink.  People can say they have changed, and maybe in some small way they have, just not deep down inside.

I have grown accustomed to this life I lead.  I have a solid roof over my head.  My bills are paid.  My kids are clothed and fed.  I have friends and family to turn to.  I love where I am.  I have no need to change myself, or to try to change myself.

I hear, “I have changed, give me a chance to prove it.”

I want to make people understand, it’s not about you changing.  It’s about me and the fact that I am not giving up all that I have done for myself, to throw myself back into that spiral of doubt and depression.  I refuse to do it.  I am in a great place, and I am not giving it up.  I will not sit by and watch you carry on and talk to them and ignore my wants and needs.  I will not sit by and give you everything and not get what I want in return.  I will not sit by and be that support and not get the support in return.  I have grown up a lot over the past three years.  I will admit this.  I know where my priorities lie, and I know where I need to be.  I am not willing to place myself back into that place.

I have walked a path.  I have walked it alone.  I have walked it with God.  I have walked it with my family.  I have walked it with my friends.  My path is clear to me at this point in time.  I am where I need to be.  I am where I am happiest at the moment.  I have gone through Hell ovet the past eight or nine years, trying to find my place in this world.  I have found it.  Let me stay here, let me live my life.  Let me live knowing I have a friend to turn to.  One day, we will all appreciate it in the end.

A leopard cannot change his spots.  Just his demeanor towards you.

<3 Kitty

Morning everyone.. It’s almost 2am.  Been a long, crazy week.  My mom went to the doc on Thursday, and they want to treat her for stomach problems, even though she has gall stones.  After treating her for 2 weeks, if the issue is still there, then they will schedule her for gall bladder surgery.  My aunt went in this morning for surgery and they took 60% of her lung.  She is in the hospital tonight.  Going to see her tomorrow.

Other than that, just trying to figure out all the other stuff I have in my head.  I am ready to have my website back.. and I am ready to try to find that thing that I am missing in my life.. I just can’t find the right missing piece of the puzzle..

It’s tough.. knowing that there are puzzle pieces out there.. that could fit, but can’t fit.  Either they are not here, or they are just not willing to try.. I think that I have begun to look at everything a bit differently.  Since I broke up with my boyfriend, I discovered that I am not willing to just settle.  I don’t want to rush in.  I seem to do that a lot, and it is usually against my better judgement.  My gut feeling will tell me “no”, and yet my heart is like ” aww hell what can it hurt”.  Well, I am trying to train my heart otherwise.  It’s tough, but I am working on it..

I think on that note.. and the fact that my eyelids are drooping, it’s time for me to head off to bed.  I hope everyone has a blessed day.

<3 Kitty

Evening ya’ll!

Been a long day.  Been a long week, and it’s only Tuesday.  I woke up this morning thinking it was Wednesday.. boy was I disappointed to discover it was Tuesday.  I made it through the day though

Been thinking a lot.  Thinking about my relationship, thinking about my family, and thinking about people in my life.  What’s weird, are the thoughts I am having…  I won’t go into details.. I may have to privately write that out.  I am just kinda confused about some things.. and about what I thought was supposed to happen.  We have this picture or idea in our heads about how things are supposed to happen, and when it doesn’t happen like that.. well, it makes a person wonder if their perceptions were misconstrued and discombobulated.  Again, it would be difficult to go into here, but I think it’s almost time for my head to have a talk with my heart, and for them to come to a unified decision and conclusion without being persuaded otherwise.

I am trying.  Trying hard.  I feel like it’s just not enough.  I have people who accuse me of doing something.. that I didn’t.  I am not a cheater, liar, or thief.  I think cheating is one of the worst things to do to a person, next to murder and abuse.  Cheating breaks down trust and breaks down hope, faith and love.  It only brings heartache, and don’t think that it happens and the other person doesn’t know about it.  Lieing.. it’s stupid to do it.  All lieing does is lead to more lies, which leads to someone getting caught and hurt.  Why would you do it?  Thief?  Never.  The only thing I can ever be accused of stealing is someone’s heart… and that hasn’t happened in a while.  So, where did this come from?  Well, being called a liar is something that irks me, just a bit.  If you ask me a question, and then take the answer out of context, then that isn’t lieing, that is you not using your communication skills.  If you ask a question and don’t get the response you wanted, don’t twist the words and throw them back at me.  For those that think that just because I have a boyfriend that lives out-of-state, that I can still go out with you.. You are wrong!  Again, I don’t cheat.. not in my forte.  It hurts the people who are involved, directly or indirectly.

I really should be going to bed now.  I have to be up in about 6 hours.  Wednesday is here now.  So, we can say we are half way through the work week.  Makes for an interesting day today, I am sure.

So, to wrap this up.  I need to think more about whats going on in here (points to head then heart) and make sure I don’t give anyone a reason to think that I would lie to them, cheat or any other of those bad things.  So, as my eyes begin to droop, I will bid you goodnight!

<3 Kitty

Howdy ya’ll!

I know the site has been wonky over the past two weeks or so.. This is a temporary fix until we can get it fixed.  The server crashed and the Host company is trying to get it repaired.  Until then you can catch my updates here

Hope to see you all around soon

<3 Kitty