Archive for the ‘Midnight Ramblings’ Category

So, this has been a crazy week. I am tired, but not sleepy. I am stressed, but nothing I can’t handle or deal with, as I normally do. I am frustrated, but hey what’s new? You guys and gals, that read these, have seen the many sides of me, and the many moods. I have gone from angry to happy to sad to forgotten. I range through all the emotions. Lately, I am a little confused at how I feel. The normal feelings are there, but they are intermixed with this other feeling, I can’t quite identify. It’s a little bit happy and optomistic, and yet estranged and lacking in exuberance. Could it be acceptance? Could it be full blown ‘whatever’ syndrome? I haven’t been in a really sad place in a while. I have been up here *raises hand up to eye level* and it seems to be sticking. many of my friends would look at me, and ask…are you on drugs??

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So…this week has been testy and trying…

Started off in a bad way….and just kinda kept riding that train of bad mood…I dealt with alot of stress this weekend…slept like crap…and well…just in a pissy mood.  I know that I came off pissy to quite a few people.  I am not going to apologize for it either.  Some of it was pent up and needed to be put out there… I am tired of being the one who just sloughs it all off, and the “it will fix itself’ girl.  The one who just stands around and doesn’t get mad or angry.

I have feelings and emotions…believe it or not…some of them are angry ones….

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Well, it’s been an interesting week this week so far…..

I have had my mental capacities and my emotional capacities stretched…and well I went off…

Yep…I did, and I feel a little better for it…kinda…it is still a little irritating when I think about it…but oh well, what can ya do…

So, I sit here, and I wonder will this week get better, or am I in for one of those shocking moments that will piss me off?  I hate waiting for stuff to happen, when you know that it’s supposed to, and it doesn’t…that is quite irritating…but I will just continue to hold my breath, and wait.

Cryptic much?  Yep, I am tonight

On another note…I have been feeling kinda ballsy lately, and scared to death that I might actually overstep my boundaries.  This could be bad…this could also be good.  But you know me, I won’t say anything about anything, if I feel like it will hurt me in the end…so…ballsy or not, I will avoid the subjects that I really wanna talk about, because…it was pointed out to me…it ‘embarrasses’ me.  It’s not embarrassment, it’s the fear of rejection and hearing the things I don’t want to hear…If I broach the subject, then I have to deal with whatever is said, and I can’t handle the negativity that may come from it….So..I avoid it..as much as possible….

Yeah…that doesn’t sound nice at all…I really shouldn’t avoid anything…that just causes bad things to happen in the end…I should have learned from this…from previous avoidances…one day I will learn three things…

1. Don’t argue with him…LOL

2. Don’t avoid the stuff you know you will have to face one day…

3. Love is what it is…and can’t be changed…no matter how hard you try…

So, that being said….

I think that I will eventually broach the subject with him, and see if he can talk to me about it, without changing the subject, and me get through it without stammering and stuttering..so that I can actually put it all out there, and learn for better or worse…what I need to know…

I know deep inside what will be said…but I just can’t bring myself to accept it…til I hear it…I think that is why I avoid it.  Maybe, I am wrong…I don’t think so though…There are so many things that work against me, with this…Time, Distance, and well ….his heart…

Oh well, I guess I should probably just go to bed…so that I don’t start crying thinking about all the things I want to hear and never will….

So, I put it out here…for all to see…and hopefully I will learn from it as well…when I look back on it all…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Morning! Well, I am sitting here…supposed to be trying to sleep. Guess what? I got stuff on my brain, it’s not letting me sleep….

I have worries…I have hopes…I have wishes…I have stresses…I have love…I have dislike…. All of that all rolled up…keeps me up. It’s amazing how something so out of the reach of your touch and feel, and power can cause such stress and hope. Its odd…I have so much to be thankful for in my life, and so much to give…except for when someone needs it. I can’t give them what they really need to make things work. I would give them my all…everything they asked for…. I can’t though…It is sooo frustrating to me. All I can really do, is just offer to be there for them, mentally and emotionally. Physically is damn near impossible..and monetarily…well it’s a struggle for me…but if I had it..I would give it…. Is it strange to be that way with someone…and not know…. I guess maybe the fact that I hold those I love close to me, whether physically or not, enables me to want to be there for them…however I can….

It brings tears to my eyes when I can’t be there to help, when I am stuck and can’t do things to help relieve the pain and frustration and stress. I know how frustrating it is to want someone to just turn to, and just let them help….and them not be there. It’s quite frustrating….

Sometimes I think that I care outside of my abilities. Yeah…that makes no sense to me either….This is when I know that I am tired…I think at this point I am going to say good night…if I go any further I may short out my keyboard…….

Love, Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty