Happy after midnight on a Thursday.

I’ve been listening to music again.. and that makes me think.. and remember and then wonder.  Isn’t that the way it always goes?  So, I have picked up some new music..err well new to me anyways.  One of the songs is Keith Urban’s Til Summer comes around. The song makes me think back over the past few months….

Another long summer’s come and gone
I don’t know why it always ends this way
The boardwalk’s quiet and the carnival rides
Are as empty as my broken heart tonight

But I close my eyes and one more time
We’re spinning around and you’re holding on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you promised you’d be back again
And so I wander ’round this town
’til summer comes around

I got a job working at the old park pier
And every summer now for five long years
I grease the gears, fix the lights, tighten bolts, straighten the tracks
And I count the days ’til you just might come back

But then I close my eyes and one more time,
We’re spinning around and you’re holdin’ on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth,
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you swore that you’d be back again
And so I’m frozen in this town
’til summer comes around

Oh and I close my eyes and you and I
Are stuck on a ferris wheel rockin with the motion
Hand in hand we cried and laughed
Knowing that love belonged to us girl, if only for a moment
And “Baby I’ll be back again” you whispered in my ear
Bot now the winter wind is the only sound
And everything is closing down
’til summer comes around

If you get the chance you should go check the song out.  Now to get down to what it brings out in me.

I know I broke your heart.  I know I will break your heart.

I wanna feel your hand in mine again.  I wanna feel your arms around me just once more.  It felt almost right.  I fought myself tooth and nail.  I didn’t want to break your heart.  I didn’t want you to know.  I didn’t want to know.  I feel lost lately.  I feel like I am going to break another heart, and it breaks my heart.  I don’t wanna be that person.   I just wanna go back.  Just for a minute and change one thing, then maybe it wouldn’t feel like I did you wrong.

I am in a strange place.  I like this person.. and that person.. and well I know that they like me.  The only problem I have.. is that I don’t want to break their hearts.  I think that is why I am soo reluctant to take a step and hold onto that one thing they wanna give me.  What to do?  What to say?  What to think?  Who’s heart will break?  Will it be mine in the end?

I guess these are all the questions I should be asking.. and with none of the answers I like.

Until then..

<3 Kitty

You know what sucks…

People who take something of yours and take it for their own.  Not a physical item.. but just an idea.  I guess I could consider it flattering that my idea was used, but I am just angry more or less.  It makes me wonder what impact I had on a person that they would come back later and take an idea that I had and not even have the decency to say.. Hey thanks for that!

I know it’s petty.. and selfish.. but it was my idea..

Maybe it’s because I left this lasting impression on him…. Maybe it’s because he thinks about me.. Maybe it’s because he is just a spiteful ass who thinks he can have anything he wants.. when in fact.. he is a whiney.. immature individual..

It really is stupid to get so worked up over something.. but its quite irritating… One of these days I will sit back and confront him on the issue.. but until then.. I guess every time I see it.. or hear it.. it will just bury itself a little deeper in my angry spot.. I’ll get over it.. I always do..

Well, I am about to pass out at the keyboard.. ya’ll have a great day!

<3 Kitty

P.S. Edited after the fact due to angryness and sleep depravity

Morning all!  Well it’s after midnight.. so this is officially one of my midnight ramblings.. Here goes nothing!

I am in a stupidly funky mood this evening/morning.  I have had to deal with stupidity, family drama, and technological failure.  People freaking amaze me at how selfish they can be.  People freaking amaze me at how stupid they can act.  Nuff said there!

I do have something that I have come to look forward to.  I have developed some great friendships over the past couple of weeks.  I have some amazing people in my life that put up with my crazy ass.  From the random texts and phone calls, to yahoo messenger.. I have a few great people I can turn to.  They know who they are, and I know that at least one of them is a reader here.  I just want to say.. Thank you guys!  Yall help me survive the day and without that communication outlet, I just might explode.  So, I have begun to look forward to that little something during the day, that let’s me know.. Hey, you’re on my mind.

With that said.. Have you ever realized that you could actually feel like your someplace you want to be, but you can’t actually be there?  It’s just become comfy there, and you feel like this is someplace you need to be, but you can’t be there.  Another cryptic little tidbit in this random world of mine.  I have this need to be someplace I am not, and can’t get there… because of all the limitations and hurdles and obstacles.  Ugh!  So, I have to admit it.. there are tears in my eyes, and a want deep in my heart, that cannot be fulfilled.

I think I need to stop here, I may short out the laptop if I continue..

On that little note of discontent.  Yall have a great Thursday!

<3 Kitty

Well, it’s about midnight….and I keep coming across things and seeing things and hearing things…and I just don’t wanna hear or see them anymore.  I keep telling myself I am over and done with all this, and yet there it is.  I am tired of it, and I just want it to stop.

Tears…they come so easily.  Yet, they are so frustrating and irritating, and they piss me off.  Why am I still crying over it all?  Why am I still just so stupidly entangled in it, and I don’t need to be, and I don’t want to be, and yet here I sit at midnight on a Sunday/Monday morning and let the tears fall.  Why?  Hell I don’t know anymore.  It’s like I can’t move forward without falling behind.  I just wanna feel normal again.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  It hurts, and it sucks!

It should have been me.  Really, it should have.  I just wasn’t right though.  Not the right fit, or whatever.  I keep telling myself…it’s better now…I keep lieing and trying to hide it all.  I just can’t muddle through it …it just eats at me and digs into my soul.  It should have been me…Should have been, but it’s not and it never will be.  Ever.

I keep trying to walk away…

It keeps pulling me back….

I keep crying over it, like it will help…  and I waste my tears, over and over again…

Where have I been?

Hell if I know…Been in a good place…kinda scared that good place is gonna fall out from underneath me…

I have been talking to someone…and this person makes me smile and laugh!  This person…is just as silly and goofy as me…  One day I might actually get to meet this person…in person O.o…LOL  This person is quite amusing…   It’s very refreshing…and exciting.  I love making new friends

I have been so different the past few weeks…it’s been nice…  I still worry…it’s all gonna go away…then I will be back at square one…sitting here…all flumpified….LOL  Oh well…guess we will have to see what is around the corner…and what might happen

On another note…my babies are getting soo big…I can’t believe that I have a freshman and an intermediate schooler…that seems sooo mind boggling to me… I sit here and think back to my high school days…and pray that my children take after me…and not their father…LMAO…he was always getting into something he shouldn’t have…

Well…it’s just about my bedtime…I have sweet dreams waiting around the corner…and soft pillows to whisk me on my way to those dreams…

Ya’ll have a good night!!

Breathe….it calms you down…

Sing if you want to..even if everyone is listening…

Laugh when you can…it overrules crying..

Don’t forget who you are, or where you came from…

Always share your hugs…you may need someone to share them back…

When in doubt…just ask…maybe you’ll find what you are looking for…

Love your friends…Love your enemies more..it pisses them off…LOL

When you see something good…go for it…it may get you places you never thought you could go…

Even if you don’t think you deserve that wonderful thing…take it anyway..it was given for a reason…

Walk the path you are shown, if you deviate from it…then maybe that path wasn’t yours after all…

Love to love, love to live, live to love, live to live…in the end..Love really does make the world go round =D

Be a best friend.  Then be a better friend.  They will appreciate it in the end.

If you make it happen…then it wasn’t meant for you…If it just happens to happen…then that’s what you were intended for….

So, here it is almost 230 in the morning…and I can’t sleep…so I come in here and ramble nonsense, until I decide that I have tortured you all enough.  I hope you all have a wonderful day…I am actually going to try and get some sleep now….

Good evening ya’ll…well I have been sitting around the past couple of weeks….and well, trying to get my mind off of love, and romance and all that hissy prissy ooshy gooshy stuff.  To no success…

So, I sit here tonight and I ponder one thing that I said this evening, that made me go…hmmmm…

“You’re hard to love.”  That was it.  How do you just up and tell someone that…well I did, and I surprised myself.  So, I came in here to go to bed…only to lay here and wonder…what did I mean by that?  What brought that to my mind?

A comment about love/hate relationship was made, and I was corrected that it might possibly be a hate/love relationship..LOL  So, you ask yourself is there really a difference?  Do you hate to love someone?  Do you love to hate someone?  Do you hate that you love someone?  Do you love that you hate to love someone?  I could go on….but the whole reason I am here, is because I said, “You’re hard to love”…and honestly..I have no clue what he said back..he could have told me that I had just won a million dollars..and I wouldn’t have heard him.  This really made me stop..I was playing a game and almost died…

So..what did I mean?  It could just be that I love him, and I feel like it is all for naught.  It could be that loving him is sooo easy and yet sooo hard, that the two intertwine and make it all seem harder than what it is?  I think I am confusing myself.  I sit here on odd days, and I try to figure out what it is about him…what makes him sooo what I think I want.  I mean hell there are other guys out there that have made their intentions known, and I just blow it off.  He is always at the forefront of my thoughts, always there.  So…what makes him so hard to love…the fact that he is half way across the US could be a good starting place.  Then fact that he has this barrier up, that makes it hard to get close, could be another factor.  I guess I can consider myself lucky….When he doesn’t want you around…you know it…LOL

I guess…this shocking revelation..made me a little more aware of what I am really feeling.  It’s all around me…Love, hate, hate, love…I am surrounded by it all…I love him…and at times I feel like I could hate him…but for some reason…love truly conquers all…

It amazes me…the way I feel… I know that one day it will either overflow and I will get it all back from him..or it will be taken away and I will recover…until then, I will wonder and hope, and eventually something will happen…

Love…

Hate….

Where will they take me next?????

Love conquers all…but hate will eat at you and destroy you..and you won’t even know it….

Good Night….

Evening ya’ll..

Well, I am laying here in bed…waiting for the tylenol pm to kick in.  It’s the only way I get any sleep on the weekends lately. 

So, I don’t really know what to write about this evening, just that I needed to.  I guess as my fingers find the right keys, something will fly off of them, and bring something to the written page…or something like that…right? 

I worry about a lot lately…I worry about the extra expenses, I am putting out.  I worry about the fact that my son may fail the 8th grade because of a state mandated test…I worry about my friends…my family…

I don’t worry about me though…is that normal?  I mean here it has been almost 2 years since I have been for a checkup at the doctor.  I am supposed to be going a lot more than that…I have a heart condition..mitral valve prolapse, and that isn’t such a bad thing…til you factor in the leaky valve…  So, I don’t really like going to the doctor all that much…cuz all they do is find something wrong with you.  Lately though, I haven’t been up to par…so I may need to try and get in to see the doctor…blech!

I feel all bland lately…like I am missing a whole lotta something…not someone…just something…I do the same things over and over.  I really need to change that up…I jsut don’t have the want to do it.  I don’t have the need to do it.  I think I am losing my mind.

Ever just have something that eats and eats at you…and you wanna know more…but you don’t wanna ask?  Ever just wanna scream out of frustration because it’s right there at your finger tips…but you just can’t reach it?  Ever just wanna say F*&K it  and go for it?  I can sit here, and go on and on and on….I have a lot of those lately… I have the ever justs and the what ifs and the well hells….  Been there a lot lately, I think it’s a mixture of sleep deprivation and when I do sleep the weird funky dreams I am having.  Like the cruise ship dream last night, and the naked man in my tub dream…that one was a quite bit entertaining…. he had a really cute butt…seemed like I had seen it before…….

Well…as I sit here and yawn…and feel the tylenol pm start to work…I wonder to myself…will this be another night of weird dreams…or will it be the nightmares as of late?  I hope that all of you, have a great and peaceful sleep…

Love,

It’s been a long week.  I am in a zone of…well…I don’t know.  You guys have been through this with me…

I have officially made a blogging list of songs.  The songs that help me to write.  Maybe it will help me with my stories…eventually I will get back to them.  I am also going to be updating my Kitty’s WoW page as well.  Stay tuned for that.

On another note, I am kinda flumpy.  I kinda hyped myself up to do something for my birthday…and I ain’t gonna be able to do it now   I guess I will just have to suffer through it…

Is it really sad, that I am sooo stuck?  I really don’t wanna go here tonight…but the kids are in bed….I am somewhat alone, except for the music and pleasant voice I hear every once in a while.  So…I need a good cry..I need to just let it go, can’t seem to make it happen.  I think I am worried, that if I start…I won’t stop.

I am just torturing myself…Over and over again.  What can you do?  Really?  I mean…Ugh… I think I should have gotten drunk tonight…and just passed out… I am sooo tired of the dreams…the thought that just burst through my defenses… I can’t stop it…I try…and I try…and I just can’t.  I want…. and I want….and I want….and I want!  My dad used to tell me,  “Want in one hand and poop in the other…see which one fills up first.”  Yeah…all you are left with is crap all over your hands, that you didn’t want in the first place…and what you wanted…well it’s long gone…to late…day late…dollar short…and so on and so forth.

I feel the tears…they are here…will they fall today?  I haven’t shed any since….

I was in the happy place for so long…today…I just feel…Beat down…  You guys know I use my blogs as therapy…hang in there…if you don’t wanna read..I am fine with that…this is my heart and soul open and bare… and some just can’t handle that.

Where am I going in this world?  I am in a job, where I talk on the phone all day.  I don’t have a degree, and I don’t know anything important.  Where am I going?  I wanna do something with my life, what kind of role model am I for my kids?  I am the one who got a GED, and sit and take phone calls all day long… and I expect them to graduate, and go to college, or go in the military…and do something with their lives…when I didn’t do anything with mine…. Yeah, I could go back to school…if I had the time and the money…

Geez…I guess it is beat up on Kitty blog…I should change the title…LOL

Well, I guess it’s just all the stuff going on…I have some extra stresses…I have wants and desires that I keep torturing myself with…I…am tired…I am not sleeping well, and when I do…well…the dreams come in…and torture me some more…

So, yeah…Pity Party for one…

I need chocolate and a good strong drink….

I hope ya’ll have a great day!

Howdy ya’ll!

So, I had this crazy dream Friday night.  As you all know, I have someone in my life that I love.  He is amazing!  He just doesn’t realize how amazing he really is.  Sometimes, I sit back and review all my feelings, and I (and this sounds bad) try to find a reason not to love him.  You may ask…why?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know.  Maybe I am just concerned about my subconscious and what it’s trying to tell me.

So, this dream…

I am standing someplace…not really sure where the hell I am…LOL  I am walking around, and apparently I know where I am in my dream, cause I am just tooling along doing things, humming like I am the happiest person in the world.  Well, he walks in..and he has this angry or unhappy look on his face.  He calls my name, I say What?, and he says…marry me.  I said…NO!  He says why?  I say Because!

This makes me wonder…Is my subconscious talking to me…or is it the fear of the unknown…or is it the fear of the known?  So many things…and dreams can’t just be ‘interpreted’.  I have looked at dream dictionaries….and mine don’t fit in there anywhere…

So, what do I think about all this?  Not sure…  I mean yeah, I am not ready to be married again.  And yeah, I think about the kids..and what that would mean for them.  But, I think the main thing I think about…is getting hurt all over again.  Do I really want to step into the sanctum of Holy Matrimony…Honor, Obey…supposedly til Death do Us Part?  No offense to anyone…but I am so over the ’til death do us part’  That doesn’t happen… Oh heck…I opened up my own can of worms…hold on tight..

So, marriage vows and the unity of two hearts into one.  The circle of the ring..the symbol of never ending love..The vows that bind you together…  You walk into marriage, completely knowing that the person you are marrying, is supposed to be there for you and to support you through sickness and health, and yet… *sigh* they just decide to go off with friends while you sit there in the hospital wondering what the hell is wrong…the shove you off on your dad when you are laying there in agonizing pain…they run off to another state….leaving you to wonder…they break your trust…ruin your faith…drag you through hell…and people wonder why there is such a high divorce rate.  I just can’t understand what it is..that people can’t just love…  I love…I love hard, and I fall fast…It’s kinda stupid…But what’s so sad…is it’s hard to get the love back… To find someone who would love you as unselfishly as you love them back…so rare.  I have seen it lately…two of my best friends have found that kind of amazing love.  I am soo happy for them.

I guess I am just a little bitter about the whole ‘institution of marriage”… I had a great marriage for about 7 years…then things got crazy…and went downhill…that 7 year itch will kill a relationship…

So…I started off talking about a dream, and ended up ranting about marriage…how the hell do these things happen????

I guess I can just leave it in the right hands…I figure one day my path will take me where I am supposed to go..and whoever my soulmate is…will be there waiting for me.  Then maybe I can look at all the circumstances and all the vows, and symbols in a different light.

I aplogize in advance for all this craziness tonight…I can’t believe I went off on that wild tangent…

I love you guys and gals…

Good Night my friends…