Archive for the ‘Blog Central’ Category

First of all I want to warn you I am posting from my phone so spelling and grammatical errors are quite likely.

Tis the season to be jolly? In some places, yes, here at home it’s a bit stressed and hectic. I did see some interesting things this holiday season.

I saw a man step up.
I saw a Dad step back.
I saw a child give.
I saw a mom give up.
I saw a family unite, even if it was for just a moment.
I saw love grow.
I saw joy in a handhold.
I saw happiness in a hug.
I saw laughter and delight in a child’s eyes.
I saw music in a soul.
I saw giving.
I saw thanking.
I saw a future in a past.
I saw a past return to haunt.
I saw the hope.
I saw the wonder.
I saw the love.

I saw many things this holiday season. Some were good, some were bad. Some will haunt me for the rest of my days and some will bring joy to my heart forever.

I watched my daughter grow up in the blink of an eye. I saw my son as reality tapped him on the shoulder. I fully understand that once a person is a liar… They will always be a liar. Once a man disappoints the ones who love him, he will grow weak in their eyes. Here I sit on Christmas night with my family enjoying their gifts and feeling the effects of a long day, and all that goes through my mind is… Will the ones who need to grow up and show up have the ability and the balls to do it?

I ramble on and on as I fight back the tears, because I see the me in them and the hurt it causes. Y’all have a blessed new year and see you on the flip side!

<3 Kitty

Sometimes I feel like I am setting myself up for heartbreak.

Even though I have this wonderful guy in my life, I still feel like Heartbreak is right around the corner.  Maybe it stems from my past, I don’t know.  I just wish I could get past this feeling.  I want to be able to accept the fact that he is here with me and that nothing is going to happen.. and yet there is that nudge.

We have talked a lot and are still discovering little things.  We had a discussion about kids a few weeks ago, and yes he wants a child of his own, but doesn’t see it happening.  I think this is one of the things that holds us both back from opening up and being more ‘in love’ if that is what you want to call it.  He has things that are holding him back, which makes me automatically doubt us and where we are going.  Hence.. the nudge for heartbreak.  I can’t give him a baby.  Not even close to being physically possible.  It leaves a void in my heart, because if we get to the point to where we are talking about forever, I can’t help him get to the ‘happily ever after’ that he wants.

I tell myself all the time, I don’t want to get married again.  Lately though, I see myself with him and wonder if maybe I spoke to soon?  I am happy with him when we are together and miss him like crazy when we are apart, but I wonder if we could live together and be that happy married couple?  So many thoughts about this relationship and where it may or may not go.  So many barriers and so many questions.  I think I am just driving myself insane with this.

My whole views of relationships and Love have changed over the last 18 years.  It used to be just date and be happy and if love came along.. then Surprise!  Nowadays.. it’s date.. date someone else.. date someone else… get tired of dating, swear off men, then get surprised when someone you didn’t know you could like that way surprises you, and then you worry because you may hurt your friendship, and then sit and wonder is this is your ‘forever moment’.  Wow, that’s a mouthful.

I think I am just worrying about it to much.  I wanna be in love… I wanna be someone’s ‘forever’.  Is he my forever.. it feels like it sometimes.. then again.. there is that nudge of heartbreak.

I am off for the day..

<3 Kitty

I apologize for not being here.  It’s been a bit of a busy time at my house.  My mom had surgery at the end of October.  I have been working and trying to make sure I have all my ducks in a row.  Well, then there was this issue of Mom going back in the hospital, which was hard for both of us.  I hate seeing her in pain.  They gave us the run around and told us it was her stomach, it wasn’t.  After several tests they discovered she had 6 gallstones in her liver from her gallbladder surgery back in October and also ‘sludge’ whatever that might be.  They removed them, and she is feeling much better

Now that Mom is almost back to normal, I have the Holidays coming up.  I am financially stretched at the moment, what with missing work for Mom and well, other things.  So, with two kids who are electronically inclined, and one of them that still thinks that Santa exists (I just can’t break her heart), it’s gonna be rough this year.  We may have guests for Christmas this year as well.  So much stress, and hullabaloo, I just wish I could just have a normal not to stressful holiday to give the kids what they want.  I hate not being able to give them what they want for Christmas.

I do have some other things that are renew to me this year.  I have a boyfriend to share the holidays with, I haven’t done that in quite a few years   I am looking forward to cooking this Thanksgiving for my family and for him.  I love cooking

Well, I guess I am out for now.. I will see you all later!  Have a great Thanksgiving!!

<3 Kitty

I have to say that I have the most amazing boyfriend on the planet.  He went through some stuff with me today, and he saw a side of me, not many have seen.  He was patient and supportive through it all!  He is truly amazing!

As some of you may know, my Mom had surgery today.  Well, my honey was there to support me through it all.  It was one helluva stressful day.  Mom came through it okay, she was quite discombobulated and confused at first, but resting well.  I am hoping that tomorrow will be a much less stressful day.  I think once she gets some rest, she will be okay.

Well, I just wanted to check in and get all that out of my head.  Gonna try and get some rest.. maybe…

<3 Kitty

Evening all!  I am hanging out here at the house.. with all kinds of stuff about to happen..

On Wednesday this next week, my Mom will be having surgery, hernia repair and gallbladder removal.  I worry.. who wouldn’t?  I just keep praying the doctors have steady hands.

I have some other things going on.  They are good things.  I don’t know exactly where to put them in my mind, because I can’t figure it out.  Lost yet?

Well, let’s see if I can start at the beginning?

I have an easy heart.  It is a well known fact.  I have been in love with someone once in my life.  I have been in love with a situation once in my life.  The two feel a lot alike.  Being in love with a situation mimics being in love with someone, because there is usually someone that is making that situation feel good and right.

I was in love with my ex.  I was in love with a situation not to long ago, I didn’t realize it for what is was, until recently.  I am in a similar place now, and I can’t decide if it’s the person.. or the situation.  It could very well be the person, he is truly amazing, and makes me smile and laugh, and I think about him all the time.  Been there though, and I don’t want to think that I am in love with him… and down the line realize it’s the situation.  I wanna be able to tell the difference!  I don’t know where to go to try and get myself straightened out to determine if it’s him or if it’s the situations we are in.

So, here we are.  We will be together for four months on the 29th, and I am talking about love.  I told him a week or so ago, what was going on.  He kinda feels the same way.  So, I guess let’s just walk through this and see where my heart takes me.

Well, off to bed for me.  Ya’ll have a good week, and I am gonna try and get in here a bit more!

<3 Kitty

I wanted to come in here and write.

I wanted to come in here and blog.

Well, I don’t know what to write about.

I am happy, somewhat content with whats happening in my life.  There are a lot of things that could be a lot worse, but I am in a good place.  It feels weird, I usually come here to vent and let off steam.  What do I have to be angry with?  I actually paused to think about that.  It’s been about 5 years, since I have had absolutely nothing to really bitch about.  Amazing!

I do have worries, don’t get me wrong, but other than that, I am in a somewhat peaceful place with a pretty just nonchalant attitude.

Wow.. that’s all I can say.  It feels good.  It really does.

I have this wonderful family that is supportive and love me.  I have this amazing boyfriend who just came in and turned me around.  I have amazing friends that are enjoying amazing things!

So, here I am, in this wonderful place, with my Mom and kids that are truly amazing people in my life, supporting my habits and loves and helping to make things work.  My mom really doesn’t know how much I appreciate everything she does.

I hope everyone has a great evening!

<3 Kitty

I seem to be sighing alot lately..

I have lots on my mind.. It’s like a train of stuff that never stops.  From my mom having surgery soon, to all the new beginnings that are happening around me, to my wonderful boyfriend, and the thought of where we may be going.

I mentioned new beginnings.. One of my best friends at work got married this weekend, and I am soo excited and happy for her, she is in such a good place, and he loves her and will take care of her.  She deserves that in her life!  She was absolutely beautiful in her dress on Friday night.

Another new beginning is with my best friend in Georgia, he and his girlfriend are pregnant   I am gonna be the ‘official unofficial aunt’!  I am super excited for them   Bringing a new life into the world is an amazing thing, I wish that I were closer to them so that I could share all the joys!  I will start shopping as soon as we know for sure it’s a girl.. or boy.. lol

My boyfriend and I are trucking right along, he is amazing!  I was having a totally crappy day today at work, and he made me smile and laugh.  I wonder where we are headed.. I have fears.. like everyone in a relationship.  I wish I knew all the thoughts in his head about us.. lol.  When we first talked about pursuing a relationship, I asked him what he really wanted out of life.. he said kids.  Well, he knows I can’t give him kiddos… It’s physically impossible.. so I came into this relationship knowing this and so did he.

I have so much going on in my head.. My fears are oppressive at times.. and have gotten to where I have brought them into my sleep and have started having nightmares.. it’s terrible.  I guess all I can do at the moment is just try and deal with it.

Well, I am off to go entertain myself.  Ya’ll have a good night!

<3 Kitty

Wow.. how things change in your mind..

I look back at a picture, and I think.. That was so great, can I go back there?

I have a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on my desktop.  I took it when I was in San Francisco in May.  I remember standing at the rail of the boat, as we toured the bay, his arms around me holding us both steady on the boat, while I took pictures.  If only I had realized then what I do now, that weekend may have been different.  I wanna go back, and try things a bit differently.  I wanna go back and be a couple, not two people in an awkward place, because one of them didn’t know what she wanted.

It’s weird to think about it now, and realize all the missed opportunities.  I sigh when I think about it, all the thought he put into everything, and me denying what I was feeling.  Now, I examine my feelings and the way our relationship has progressed, and I am amazed

I think that it helps that my kids are on board with all this.. LOL  They like him, and that’s a good thing.  I find myself examining all my feelings, and how deep they may run.  I get a little skittish thinking about the possibilities.. it’s one of those things you second guess at every glance.  My heart has been through Hell in the past, and I am not quite ready to sacrifice it again, but when he looks into my eyes.. I wonder….

Well, this felt good just talking about it.. you know how therapy can help.. well we all know this is my therapy.

Hope yall keep reading

<3 Kitty

Here I sit, thinking about the past few months, and how I went from being okay in my life, to being happy in my life.  I am about to reach 5 years of being with the same company, I got a plaque and a beautiful ring.  I love my job and the people I work with.

I look back over the last 5 years and look at all the changes I have gone through, from being married to separated in the matter of a few months.  Then making some wonderful new friends and missing some dear friends, to watching my best friend of 10 years move away and come back, and realizing, we have grown up.  Then moving another best friend away, and watching him move on with his life, while mine stood still around me.

I learned I am responsible for my own actions, and not the actions of others.  I can take care of me and my kids.  I am a good person.  I have wonderful friends, no matter where they are in their life or I am in mine.

Over the past 2 years, I went through a divorce, and thought I was going to lose a good friend, but we persevered and stayed friends.  I have seen relationships grow and blossom, and relationships fall apart.  I sat there through it all, thinking that I would never be as happy as I once was.

Then, I stepped outside my shell, and tried, and failed.  It didn’t hurt, that’s the scary thing.

In May, I went with one of my best friends up here at work on a business trip to San Francisco, and that is where everything changed.  I fought it all weekend, that feeling of comfort and happiness, and turned it away.

I came back home and realized.. it could have been so much better, if I had just dropped my walls and opened my heart.  I realize now, that God placed me in that place and time for a reason.  To open my eyes and show me what he was putting in front of me.

I have a wonderful boyfriend now.  He makes me smile, and laugh, and miss him when he isn’t around.  He has shown me that I can be happy and live again.  He is something else

I am in a place in my life, I haven’t been in a long time.

I am loving my crazy wonderful life

<3 Kitty

Welcome to Friday night peeps.. I am hanging at the house.. curled up with the laptop at the moment.. gonna curl up with my honey here in a few

Tomorrow we go find out what we are gonna do about the truck   I don’t wanna know the price of what may be wrong.. I don’t wanna think about the possibility of telling Gracy goodbye   I guess I have to face both of those tomorrow >.<  Oh well, all I can do is try to be positive about it and see what God sends my way.

Well, I am gonna go get ready for a couple of chapters of a good book then a snuggle with my honey   Ya’ll have a good night!

<3 Kitty