Archive for the ‘Old Blogs’ Category

Well….my car is possessed!!

So..it started last weekend, I would turn my car on and the headlights would come on…without turning the switch. Hmmmm….I don’t have Daytime Running Lights. So…I get home Thursday night, pull into the parking lot, and turn the key to the off position, and pull the key out…and the car is still running. Ummm…that isn’t supposed to happen!!

So, we pull the circuit relay…and kill the car…to say the least..LOL. Then I got up Friday morning…car wouldn’t start. Dead battery? Maybe? So…I try to go get financed for a car…yeah…well…anyways…

So..today, a friend of mine comes by, we go out…and check the ignition switch..seems to be working, (give the car a jump to get it started)…that’s gotta be the problem right…NO…we checked the one on there…It turned the car on….didn’t turn it off. We tried a new switch, same thing. So…now we scratch our heads. So we take it for a spin, try to get it to throw a code…anything. I call a mechanic friend of mine while we are driving around…telling him the issues..we pull over to the side of the road, we try to turn it off. the radio goes off…all that…engine still runs…WTF…so he is completely baffled like I am. So, I pull into the parking lot…back it in…and turn the key out of habit…and the car turns off. Like normal. So…I turn it back on….and back off…Like normal.

WTH is up with the car. So tomorrow she is going to get a diagnostic run on her. Ya’ll wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

It’s amazing how a simple conversation can make a person doubt and fear doing something.

Why should it matter, that one person doesn’t think that you are doing the right thing? Why should it matter, that one person thinks you are doing it for other reasons? I honestly don’t know, but it does.

The past few weeks, I have been thinking. What about, you may ask. Well, maybe I shouldn’t persue the goals that I think would make things better in my life. Maybe I should try and just not be the available one, the one that is always there. Maybe I should try to disinclude myself. If it can bring on bad things with the kids…..maybe I should reconsider it all?

It’s a shame that one person can have such an effect on you, when they say just a few things…espcially since they are no longer an integral part of your life.

I have a few months before a dedicated decision has to be made. I will talk it over with all involved, and make sure that my decision is beneficial to everyone. Then again…It may be beneficial for a minute and then painful for a lifetime. All we can do is watch and wait…..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

It breaks my heart that I even have to write this. I grew up without my biological father in my life. I had a step dad in my life from about the age of 4. He was more of a dad to me than my father was. I talk to my father about 4-5 times a year…he is an alcoholic and is slowly dieing. My step dad I see on holidays, we talk as often as we can, and if I need something, he will try his damnedest to help me.

I have to say that my step dad was an important part of my life, and that my real dad…was always in the background until about 14 years ago. He still is in the background…why? Because he never made that effort.

Why am I writing about my ‘dads’. Well, I am seeing some heartache in my little girl. Her dad is so important to her. She always asks to call and talk to him. She always wants to tell him about her day. When he comes in for the weekends…she always asks, if she is going to be able to go see Dad. This is where the hard part comes in.

Most weekends when he comes into town, he has plans. He has something he is doing with friends, or he is going here…or going there. He will ‘try’ to come by and see the kids. He usually tries to call once a week and talk to the kids. He will call and talk to my son…for 30 minutes or an hour…my daughter…5 minutes on a good day. He will bring my son stuff, she doesn’t get anything. She asked me this last weekend…”Does Daddy love Andy more than me, he always gets stuff and gets to talk to Dad all the time.” What do you say to that? How do you sit there and tell her, yes he loves you just as much. When she looks up at you with those big blue eyes, and all you see is pain and hurt.

I really don’t know what to do here. I have tried talking to him, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. I ask him…when you call…talk to Ezri for a while…she misses you.

It breaks my heart…to think that she will grow up resenting her father the way I resent mine…because he wasn’t there when I needed him. He didn’t walk me down the aisle when I got married, he wasn’t there when my children were born. What about all the birthdays and Holidays he missed? I don’t want to see my daughter go through all the pain and anguish I went through.

I normally try not to talk about my kids on here….but this has just been eating at me. I don’t know what to do. So, I sit here, with tears flowing and fingers running across the keys…trying not to be the bitchy person I can be.

I believe inside that he is a good person. That he will make the right choices. That he will step up and be the Dad he is meant to be…

I believe…..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

It’s a roller coaster ride for me. I just don’t know where it begins and ends. It’s way weird.

You just wait and wait and when something happens…it’s all anticlimactic…Maybe it’s just the weariness…or the face that this song always does it….

I guess this is kinda like an early midnight blog…LOL

I want nothing but to be happy and successful. I want nothing but the same for my children, family, and friends. Why lately does it seem…so hard. Why do I feel like I am never going to be as happy as I want to be? I feel like I am working so hard for something…and getting less than nothing in return.

This past week, I would swear I was on a roller coaster. I had ups, downs, happys, sads, and incredible just days of wanting to do nothing but sleep. Now, I sit here, and I should be going to bed…but I know all I will do…is lay there, and think about all the money problems…the heartache I deal with…the fact that I have a little girl that is hurting right now….that’s another blog for another time. I lay there, and think about…all of it…I am exhausted and yet won’t sleep tonight…Its becoming a common occurrence….The only time I really can sleep is if I take tylenol PM and force it….I won’t do that during the week…cuz I wouldn’t get up for work..LOL

Oh well, enough of me rambling about my insomnia….

Ya’ll have a good night, and great week, and see ya on the flip side!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

So…this was pointed out to me by an acquaintance…this may be the next album I get…Nickelback….Gotta be somebody…..

This time I wonder what it feels like

To find the one in this life

The one we all dream of

But dreams just aren’t enough

So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.

I’ll know it by the feeling.

The moment when we´re meeting

Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen

So I`ll be holdin’ my breath

Right up to the end

Until that moment when

I find the one that I’ll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight

And damn it this feels too right

It´s just like Déjà Vu

Me standin’ here with you

So I´ll be holdin`my breath

Could this be the end?

Is it that moment when

I find the one that I spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there

‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!

When you’re Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough

Because you never know when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin` on

‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I have been in a crazy place the past few days. I have all these thoughts going through my head that make me want to scream. I can’t get it out of my system! I realize as everyday passes…I am waiting for Never….I am waiting for nothing. What the hell is a person supposed to do? I can sit here right now and spill my heart and soul down on this page…and get nowhere. Isn’t that such a comforting thought?????

I am being uberly flumpy right now. I am in my own little pity party heaven. Poor me…blah blah blah…and well blah! Yeah…ya’ll are getting an eyeful tonight…sorry!

So…I told myself that this was a marked week for me. I am going to take a step this week, and try to move in a direction to where I can be comfortable with my emotions and my self being…YEAH RIGHT!!! I have been completely f***ing miserable. I feel like my best friend took my dog to live on the farm and left me to live in a box on the side of the road on a cold day in hell.

Why can something make someone so miserable…when it’s supposed to be exciting and fun and happy!! UGH…I really need to get past this…but in a way…I don’t want to. I don’t know how to explain it. I am stubborn…that’s for damn sure. I just know that I have to balance myself. I used to think that all I wanted was to just live for me and my family, and not deal with all the ins and outs of love and all it’s crap. Then all I do is sit here and think about what life might be like, with someone special beside me…telling me that it’s glorious to wake up next to me, and share all the ups and downs that life throws at us and pass right through it all like nothing. Because everything is easier with two. Then again…there is the crazy part…the possible hurt and pain, and we have all had enough of that. So…why do we want to put ourselves through it? Because love is a wonderful thing. And when two people are in love…it’s miraculous and wonderful…and puppies and kittens…and blah blah blah….

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be one of those insensitive heartless bitches? Why do I have to be all senstive and caring and full of joy, hope and love…even in those hopeless situations!! UGH!!

I guess it is just the way I am. I love my friends and family. I happen to love a man…that well is my best friend, and a best friend I don’t think I could stand to lose. I keep telling myself that. And that that is the reason we are the way we are. Because we are such great and wonderful friends. He is someone I want in my life. He is someone I want in my world. If we are just friends…then we are just friends…now…if I could just convince my heart…that’s the way it should be…then we will be okay.

Again…I apologize for all this flumpy ass craziness your eyes had to deal with.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

What does it truly mean when someone says…”Friends Forever”…

Friendship is very special to me. I chose my closest friends. I am willing to be anyone’s friend, I am just very picky about how close I get to some of those people who say they are my friends. I have been hurt, and stabbed in the back in the past. So, to gain my trust is a very precious thing not to take lightly. I sound like I am speaking highly of my friendship…I’m not really. Those of my friends that are truly my closest friends, know, that I will do anything within my power to help a friend. Anywhere from being that person they know they can talk to….to helping them move half way across the country.

Friendship should be treasured and handled with care. What would we do without friends? What would we do with out those in our lives that give us that shoulder to cry, that ear on the way home from work, or even that hug that we need? What would we do without those people in our lives that love to celebrate stupid things with us.

I have different levels of friendship. I have people in my life on all those levels. My dearest and closest friends are those I would do damn near anything for, and it goes all the way down to the friends that are there when you are just hanging out, and it’s polite to be friendly and talk. Yep…many levels in the world of my friends.

Why am I writing about this? Hell if I know! I just decided that I needed to talk about it…no clue why…

I do have to say this…there are a couple of my closest friends that I miss. One of them is in my life on a daily basis, but I can’t see or hug him, he is way to far away. Miss him like the dickens. There is one who lives 30 minutes from me, and in the last year I have seen her twice. I miss her everyday.

I have been looking at my life lately….I am sooo tired of missing my friends…but what can I do?

So, I am not going there tonight…I don’t need tears….not tonight…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Warning! I don’t know where this may go.

So, here I am. Sitting here at work, I have been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back, and wondering and even wandering through my thoughts. I find myself in the same place each time. I find myself looking at the same things over and over.

It’s strange how you tell yourself you are going to change the way you think about someone, and yet….can’t. I tell myself everyday, I am not going to think about him, and I fall asleep thinking about him, and then I wake up thinking about him. I have found that because of this, it dampens my want to go out with other guys. I know it sounds stupid, but I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel like a fish out of water lately.

I want some change in my life, I know that. I don’t know what, but I need something, I guess a divorce wasn’t change enough. Nothing really changed there though. We have been seperated for almost three years when the divorce was final on the 17th. So, the only change is it’s actually legit. I keep telling myself I want to cut my hair, that is just a cop out. I really need something different, something inspiring in my life. Where do I turn, who do I turn to? I need some change. I apparenlty can’t do it myself…LMAO…

I know this has been kinda random and out there a little. I haven’t really been blogging much or writing. I seem to take flack for it sometimes and I don’t know why people read these, and then gripe. I do it, you know I do it, and yet you read it anyways, and get all pissy about what you read. Oh well, this is my therapy, and I won’t stop so, you are just going to have to deal with what you read.

Okay, well, I think I am going to stop there. I have a bad habit of getting up on my high horse and ranting, when I shouldn’t.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I sat there, and looked around me. I saw them all, all walks of life, ages, race. All there for the same reason. I wish I could have known their stories. What lead them to this point. Were they like me?

They were in age from probably 20 to 60, they were tall, short, had pink streaked hair, to bald. They were beautiful to homely. They were smart, and some were questionable. Some laughed about it. Some just sat there, some were obviously nervous, others paced, read, listened to music. Still, I wondered, what got them to this point.

This was one of those times, I wanted to be able to get inside of someones head. To step in and see…are they here because their situation is like mine? Is it because of adultery, abuse, abandonment….I wanted to reach out and just share with them. But, like me, they just sat there and waited for the huge oak doors to open and to start the second part of their journey. We all walked into the courtroom and awaited the phrase that for some, set us free…for others began a new torment. You could see it on each of their faces as they walked up and stood before the judge. Fear, joy, hope, abandoned, hopeless, and justified. We all walked in with one purpose, and walked out with a new mindset.

I left there the same person I walked in. In my mind it had been over for years. This was just the climax of it all. The finality of it all. The beginning of what? A life of just me and the kids. Do I want to step back into being a wife? Do I just want to lay in bed with the one I love with no legal paper bindings, which makes it easier? What do we do now? Where do we go? What makes our lives complete now? What makes us go?

For me, It’s my kids. I live for them. That’s all I can do. I have someone that I love, but nothing will become of it. I have my family that I need to focus on. I have my friends that help me. I have my dreams to walk through at night. I have my half broken heart to keep me from being foolish and stepping into the netherworld of relationships. I don’t want just anyone. I just want. I think that I have come out of this a little worse for wear, and a tad cynical. I will recover, albeit slowly. I hate the feeling of hurt, and he hurt me. I recovered from it, and he keeps wallowing in it, wanting to make it all better, and I don’t want to step into that again, ever.

So, yeah, apparently I needed to write this. I have alot of emotion that is pent up, and I can’t get it out. One day, I will be able to share with the world how I truly feel, and not be told that it’s not what I really feel. For years, that is all I was told. Nope, that isn’t what your really feeling. Nope your not in love, your just hurting. No, you don’t really want to take him back do you? Yes, that is what I was really feeling. Yes I am in love. And, Yes, at the time I did what him back.

Feelings….all they are….all they will be….all they can be….just feelings. People can try to tell you how you feel…they will never be right. You and only you, know how you feel. Don’t let someone try to lead you down a path that isn’t true to you.

On that note.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Wow…

It seems like it’s been in the making for years….It’s here tomorrow. I have some anticipation, some sadness, some serious happiness, and some regret.

Strange mixture of emotions…I know. Let’s see….

Anticipation — Well that is just from the fact…that it’s been 3 years. We separated in November of 05. Here it is October 08 and we are finally getting the divorce finalized.

Sadness and Regret — they kinda go hand in hand. I spent 18 of my 35 years with one man. Yeah the last 3 have been separated from him, but we were still together on paper. What do you do after 18 years? Guys look at you like your an alien because you have kids and haven’t been on a real date in 18 years…LOL I regret not being able to be woman enough to stop the interactions that he had….it could have made all the difference in the world.

Happiness — I am just ready for it to be done. I have gone through a lot the last 9 years or so. From dealing with someone in another country that was the apple of his eye…to just trying to cope with my feelings, my emotions and his mental and emotional betrayal. I tell myself that I won’t walk into a situation like that again. But how do you really know?

We walked into each others lives in the cafeteria of our High School, bonded at the back of a skating rink, and became one in an apartment in front of our family in January of 93. We grew to 3 in March of 94 and to 4 in April of 99. Now tomorrow I take that 4 and bring it down to 3. It’s going to be odd. It is for the best. We went our separate ways years ago, and never fully came back to us. We are better off friends than a couple. We talk easier now. We laugh easier now. We are more open with each other now. He is was my friend in high school before we went on this adventure, and he is my friend now at the end of it.

So, tomorrow, I move into a new chapter. I begin a life of me and my kids.

Thank you for everything.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty