Archive for the ‘Old Blogs’ Category

Number 1

He walked up to me, put his strong arms around me, kissed me softly, and told me it was all going to be okay. I told him, I wasn’t sure if it really would be okay…He said, as long as you keep me in here, and pointed at my heart, I will be okay. Nothing can break me, when your not here. Kissed me softly one more time, then turned and walked away.

Number 2

What are we doing here? Why isn’t he here like he is supposed to be. I feel his presence, I don’t see him.

I feel a soft pressure on my shoulder, I turn and there he is, blue eyes shining. He walks across the room, and whispers that I can’t possibly feel the way I do. I look at him, and see a strange look come across those eyes, his frown deepens. I wonder aimlessly through a fog, searching for him.

Number 3

There he is…laughing. I watch from distance…he looks over his shoulder with a puzzled look. I smile deep inside, he can’t see me. I float away on a breeze….

Number 4

He shouts at me in a deep voice. Get over it, he says, and walks away. I stare after him. He turns, and sees the tears shining in my eyes. Comes back to me, and puts his arms around me, kisses the tears away. He says he is sorry, and doesn’t really want to hurt me, but it’s just better this way. I try to tell him…try…he just looks at me with those eyes…smiles softly. It’ll only hurt for a minute, then the pain will go away. I told him…it will hurt forever, and the pain will always be there. If he really wants it this way, then he can have it, but I would rather not. He hugs me gently, and tells me that I will be okay…he is just a memory…..

Number 5

I lay there giggling, his fingers running over my ribs, finding the little ticklish spots. I smile up at him, he smiles back. This is how it should have been, he says. Kissed me deeply….and the rest was history.

We lay there quietly, I can hear his breathing. I feel his heartbeat in his chest. His fingers play softly in my hair. This is how it could have been.

Number 6

I sit there on the floor, looking across the room at him on the other side. I can help you, you know that…I ask him. He says he knows that. We all would help. He nods. Why won’t you? He tells me that he has to many responsibilities to just up and go. But we miss you, and we love you, I respond with tears stinging my eyes. I know, he says. But there is nothing that I can do. It’s just isn’t meant to be.

There are boxes everywhere. I thought you had responsibilities…I ask. I do, this isn’t for that. This is for me. Not for you, not for them. I have to do this to move on, I have to do this…there is no other choice. The tears sting my eyes again.

I am running up a circular flight of stairs. I have to help him, I yell. No, you can’t she yells back, it isn’t your place, your not the one to do it. But I helped before, he needs to know I will be there. She yells back…Not this time…It’s not your time to help. I have to help him, I yell back…I love him! She tells me she knows….but it just isn’t the right time or place for it now. I run into a brick wall.

This is a glimpse into my dreams….they have been insane the past couple of weeks. I have alot of stuff on my mind…as you can tell. These are the ones I remember…there are others…others that caused me to wake in a cold sweat…I don’t remember them….I wish I could…

So…yeah…if that doesn’t make you think, I don’t know what will….

I can read them clearly, I don’t want to read them…most of them say the things I don’t want to hear… Maybe I need to look at them like someone looking in at them, instead of seeing them through my eyes.

It’s clear, my subconscious is telling me to give up. It’s just not that easy….

The core of my being wants it to be all hugs and kisses with a fairy tale ending where, I get the prince and live happily ever after. My mind sees the truth behind it all, and questions it.

Of course all girls believe in happily ever after, and all girls believe that when they find their love, it finds them right back. It’s not always that easy…sometimes the prince may not want to be in that fairy tale ending.

I am kinda freaking myself out right now…it’s weird. I am seeing more when I write it down, than when I saw it in my sleep. What do I do from here. Do I continue to wait? Do I continue to wonder? Do I try to suck it up and look to something else? I really don’t want to. I have had 3 guys over the past 6 weeks ask me out. I told them no…why…because I just don’t want to. I have no want of anyone else….

Funny how that happens…right?

Well, I am off to bed…Ya’ll have a good night.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Sigh

Laying here in bed…warm and cozy…all I am missing is the perfect person to be laying beside me…with less electronic stuff hanging out all over…I got laptop, and two cell phones….ugh…

I was asked the other day….maybe I shouldn’t go into it…maybe I should just leave it alone…

Hmmm

What the hell…won’t do any harm…

So, I had someone ask me. What do I look for in a guy and what do I want from a realtionship. Now…normally when someone asks me this, I am assuming they are wanting to know…because they are interested…not the case. We just happened to be discussing relationships..he is happily married, and we work together..I think he is trying to fix me up…LMAO.

So, I thought about this…

What am I looking for in a guy. There are a few main things, I guess. He has to be trustworthy and faithful. He has to accept me for who I am..as a whole…all my faults and imperfections included. He has to realize that if you love me…you love my kids…that is a package deal..LMAO. The smaller things…I love to laugh and play…so he needs to be playful and have a great sense of humor. I love to talk…so communication is actually a big thing. If we can’t communicate..then why bother…right? I think that having the same interest that I do would be a plus…we can’t be complete opposites…that would cause activities to be kinda strange..LOL…some sensitivity is good…but don’t be all frou frou…There is more…but they are small little things that are more of a perk than a want…

What do I want from a relationship? I think this is one of the hardest questions to answer. I was in a relationship for almost 17 years. So…I look at that…and I take the stuff that was positive and pull it into what I want to have. I take the negative and push it away so that I know that is something that can break up a relationship. So…let’s see…

I think the main thing that I want from a relationship is for it to be about all of us. Not just him..not just me..but everyone involved. So…having said that..I have to say…that I don’t want to be the one that sacrifices my all for him, and I don’t want him sacrificing his all for me. It should be like a team. We should go into a relationship together, share everything. From bills, to chores…to love. A relationship is a two way street. You both have to work together, to make everything work. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of finance. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of keeping the house clean. Don’t let one person determine what happens in the bedroom. It should be a team effort. It should be a partnership…isn’t that what love is all about. Finding the one person who completes you? The cinnamon to your apple….the crust to your pie filling…the jelly to your peanut butter. Well, you get the idea…LOL

Besides team work in a relationship..I think there needs to be the understanding, that not everyone is perfect..even after lots of years together. I think there needs to be communication, without communication, a relationship will go nowhere…

I always thought to myself that if I thought about something hard enough that the person I was thinking about would just know what I wanted. Then I learned the real truth….you have to open your mouth and speak for the other person to know what’s going on. I wholeheartedly believe, that even if it’s something bad, and that you fear that you may lose that person over it…it’s best to talk it over and face the consequences, than to hold it in and hope they don’t find out. Communication can make or break a relationship, as I said earlier.

What else do I want from a relationship..just knowing that someone out there is thinking about me, and loving me…for who I am, and for all the wonderful things I can bring into his life. Knowing that when we need someone…we are there for each other. Knowing that we share the happiness that love can bring and all the joy it can bring. Knowing that when we close our eyes at night, we are not alone…our hearts beat together under the same moon.

What do I want from a relationship…Love, Faith, Happiness, and the ability to share it with the one I love…everyday of my life.

It’s not about him…It’s not about me…It’s about US!!

So…there is a glimpse into the part of my mind that carries my heart. When I love…I love. It doesn’t just turn off and on. It doesn’t just blow away in the wind. I WILL give my all to the one I love…I just want someone who will give back to me…

Hope you have a wonderful night…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Why can’t it just be easy? Why does it all have to be so hard and complicated. I try…and I try…and I try!! I get nowhere. I bust my ass, and end up with nothing!! I just wonder sometimes…is it like this for everyone? Yeah…it is…I know it is…

No…this isn’t about love. This is about life. My life with my children, and the hardships that just keep coming!! I am just soo frustrated at the fact that when it comes to the important stuff, I get shafted. I try to make things right for my kids, and end up not being able to give to them, because I can’t see to get everything else to work. It’s complicated, irritating and very frustrating when all the pieces of the puzzle don’t fit together.

I know it’s kinda early for this…and I feel like I am just bitching about nothing to noone…In a way..I guess I am.

What can you do? Just take it in stride…walk it out…keep it all inside…

Kitty

Howdy ya’ll!!

Sitting here, working…Been a pretty lazy day all in all. I am working a ‘split’ shift this week, 5 hours at work then 3 hours at home. Not so bad, really, just I have to be up til 1am. So…ramblings from me is what ya get.

I don’t really know where to go with this one, my mind tells me to write, so I write. Sometimes it’s just to pass the time, sometimes it’s because I actually have stuff on my mind that I didn’t know was there before. You really never know with me

Shock and awe…got a little of that happening for me…not to detailed, just the whole not expecting it thing. Not anything to divulge…LMAO…don’t know why I brought it up…really now…

Missing friends…It sucks that I got so close to two people that moved away, makes me want to not get close to anyone anymore. I miss you guys and gals.

Finally to the point that I think I need to cry. I haven’t shed any tears since…. I feel like it would make it all worse if I cried. I feel weak, and I think that he would think that I am weak…why? Hell if I know. I always want to be nothing but strong for him, I don’t want to show my weak side, the faulty side, the stupid side. I want to be strong, and perfect and smart…not that it would matter…I am here, would he really know if I shed a few tears…not unless I told him…right? Or would he be able to hear it in my voice? It’s insane…I tell myself that I just need to give up…move on…I just can’t, and I have no reason to, there isn’t anyone out there that does what he does to me. It’s the most insane, and completely idiotic thing that can possibly happen to someone….but not in a bad way….

So…I sit there, and an image will flash through my mind….and my body will completely react. Just out of nowhere. I want to slap myself for letting it happen. I really wish I could just make it not happen…it can be kinda embarrassing too Someone asks what you’re thinking about, and all you do is blush 4 shades of red….They are like…Oh…

Driving down the road, and you think about that time when….and you want to slam your head into the steering wheel because your body is rebelling…UGH!! It’s not just thinking about the past. It happens in my dreams…that has to be the worst and best all at the same time. It’s sooo frustrating because it isn’t tangible…but soo good all the same…That may have been a little bit TMI…sorry…

Anyways…I am discovering that sometimes bad is good for you, and good is bad for you…but being good gets you nowhere, and being bad gets you nowhere but where you don’t want to be, but are willing to overstep the bounds of badness to get what you want. Did that make sense???? It did to me…so I guess that is all that really matters…Right???

So, here I sit, waiting for time to pass, which seems extremely slow over the past week or so…and I wait…What do I wait for? Well for time to make up it’s mind, and for my heart to stop controlling my emotions, and for my brain to start acting like it’s supposed to. Yeah…FAT CHANCE…LMAO…

Ya’ll have a good night..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

This link was shared with me. I thought I would share it with ya’ll.

This is truly one of those things that just speaks to a person, and the thought of it happening at just the right time, with the right person, is amazing to me. One day, it will happen…..

http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/03/30/the-blissful-art-of-being-and-breathing/

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

There is a quote that runs through my mind lately….

It’s from the book and movie Twilight. I don’t have the exact phrasing…but here is the gist of it.

“Your my type of Heroin.”

What does that mean? Well, it’s all about wanting something that could be really bad for you. But because of the fact that you have had it once, you want it again, and it can be anything. In this case it is a guy referring to a girl that he wants, and passionately.

But ‘your type of heroin’ could be anything…from chocolate, to sports, to cars….

I know this is out of left field..but I was thinking about it this morning…and it’s a fitting description to so many things….

Your my type of heroin…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Okay, so I have hit the cake point in my life again.

You may be asking yourself…Cake Point??? So, I used to blog on yet another site, other than Myspace I got to thinking about one of the analogies I used on that site. So, here is the previous blog…

”Okay, so have you ever wanted something so bad, you could taste it? Think about it….you are walking down the street, and there is a store on your left, and there in the window is the biggest most sinfully delicious looking piece of cake you could ever imagine. You go up to the door, and they are closed. It still sits there mocking you, it has this soft chocolaty frosting, and you know that if you were to taste it, it would be sooo sweet, and moist, and incredibly sinful. Yep…that’s exactly what I am talking about. Frustration….To want something that is completely out of your reach, and you know you don’t have a chance in hell at getting the one thing that would make it so much better. It sits there and stares at you mocking you…nanny nanny boo boo…you can’t have it. ARRGH!! Oh well..I guess I will just have to keep walking by that window, and thinking hmmm…will I ever get to try that piece of cake…or will I have to suffer through life not knowing if it tastes as sinfully good as it looks?”

So, having read that…I can let you continue.

Cake is good. I have had my cake, and enjoyed it immensely. Now I want more cake. This is the bad part. I have no more cake, and I can’t just whip it up and make more. This is the frustrating part. I DREAM about the cake, I can still taste it on my lips…I am like a woman obsessed. Yeah, I could go to any store, and just grab plain old cake, but I want that Chocolate Cake that was in the window, another slice would be fantabulous!!

So, if you notice me being a little frustrated, or a little out of my mind…that is why. I need cake….lots and lots of cake….

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Evening Friends….

Well, I sat in a training calss all day at work. This gave me little opportunity to think…which is a blessing. Then I drove home…and I got to thinking…which is a curse. I hate that my mind works the way it does. I see all the positive things that have happened…then I doubt myself and the things that seem to be good…I always seem to think I have done something wrong… I don’t know that I have or haven’t… I just let that nagging little voice in the back of my head tell me otherwise. It’s rather confusing, really… I think it stems to my lack of belief in myself, the fact that I think that I can’t be the person people want me to be. I try to make them happy, and I feel like I fail. I know that I can do it, I just don’t seem to get the feedback I need….and yes I said need. I need feedback on the things I do. I feel like if I had more positive things ‘given’, ‘thrown’, or said to me, I would be able to pull myself out of this low place I seem to be in.

I was in a good place last week. I want to go back…LOL… I had to push myself to come back. I left my best friend, again. I kept thinking that if I didn’t push myself home, I would turn around. I pushed my poor truck as hard as I could, and as fast as the cops would let me…. I can say that that was one of the hardest drives to make. I would do it all again…in a heartbeat. It’s funny ya know….I wanted to stay…but pushed myself to come home…I confused myself. I mentally told myself that I am better off here in Texas, this is where my life is. The only thing is…my heart isn’t here…Everyone knows it…It’s quite noticeable…I just wish I could convince my heart of the truth behind it all.

I can’t force myself to stop…

I can’t will myself to stop…

I know the real reasons behind it all…

I know that one day I will finally figure it all out in my head…and keep my heart out of it…

One day….I will know the truth of the matter and ignore the lies I tell myself…

I love the fact that I can do it….and love it…and it still be just what it is…It’s not really love…right? It’s just lust in the embodiment of love…Right? Is that why I walked away so easily this time? I only shed a few tears…I only said goodbye, I didn’t say I would miss him…just that I would talk to him later. Is that why? Is it really not love, and nothing but lust for that which I can’t have? Maybe that is why I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. Maybe that is why I smile instead of frown when I think about it all? Maybe that is why…when I look at a picture, I just smile and think about last week. Why I think about my goodbye…his goodbye…our goodbye…

Maybe it’s just that…lust…not love…

Maybe that is why I have this sinking feeling in my chest that pulls at me…

Yeah…I always over read it all…except this time…It was just what it was…nothing more…nothing less…right??? I doubt myself…I doubt the fact that I can sit here, and tell myself that I don’t love him with all of my heart and soul…. I know what it really is…I know what it really isn’t… I know!!

I sail on this sea…I raise my flag of surrender as the waves crash around me…and as the boat begins to sink…I wonder…will I be able to save myself??

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Dreams…

On the one hand you love to have them, because in dreams you can achieve things that you can’t in real life. Then there are those dreams that make you want the things you had before. They take hold, and well you can’t really just turn them away. You want to continue with that dream…..but it reaches a point that wakes you up, and you can never go back.

I love to dream…they are vivid and electric. I have VERY detailed dreams. I could almost feel it, they are that vivid. I can hear the sounds, taste the tastes, feel the touches, and smell all the wonderful smells.

My dreams this morning were to loud to sleep through. They made me want that which I can’t have, but have already had the pleasure of enjoying. It was a very frustrating dream….. It woke me up with a sigh of realization….

Oh well, we can’t help what we dream…it’s our subconscious showing us what we want…who can deny what they want…in dreams or reality…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Howdy!

I am home…I had a fabulous week in Georgia, and it couldn’t have ended any better. I had a great time…got to see new things, the kids had a blast, and I am thoroughly exhausted…but not the least bit sleepy. My left arm is sunburned from the drive home….It almost glows.

Sooo…let me sum it all up for you

The drive there last Saturday was wet and rainy…Sunday was drizzly as well, but we all loaded up and went to the mall there. We played the slot cars…checked out Bass Pro Shops, and Ezri tried to ‘shoot’ a little toy rifle at their ‘shooting’ range…that was funny

Monday was the aquarium and the world of Coke. They were both incredibly awesome!! The whale sharks and the beluga whales were incredible. The tunnel you walk through and the sharks and fish swim over you…that was awe inspiring, and sooo cool!! That was my favorite part . The World of Coke was pretty neat too…we got a free bottle of Coke after walking through the whole thing. Tuesday was the zoo. I got to see Pandas!!! That was to cool. We all had a really good time. The Fort Worth Zoo, is way better than the Atlanta Zoo, but it was still really neat-o!!

Wednesday was Andy’s birthday, so…we hung out at the house, then surprised Andy with a trip to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament. Andy loved it!! He was sooo excited. Ezri loved it too, she wants to go next year for her birthday.

Thursday was the Atlanta Historical Museum, that was fascinating. We got to tour the Tulley Smith Farm and the Swan House. It was really neat. I learned quite a bit about that era.

Friday was going to be our last day in Atlanta. We went to the Museum of Natural History. They had an awesome dinosaur exhibit. Then we went to Bahama Breeze for dinner. Then went back to the house, packed up everything, put the kids to bed, and watched a movie. It was a great night!! Wish it wouldn’t have ended……

So, I have to say that goodbye this time, was a little easier than last time. I still cried a little. I am still gonna miss the fire out of him and the girls. But, I get to talk to him, just about every day, so it’s not quite as hard. I figure it will take about 8 hours of me sitting here in front of my computer, to realize I can’t just look up and see him and the girls…and then it will hit me all over again, and the tears will come again. If not when I finally crawl into bed. It’s really amazing to me, that he affects me the way he does….. If you could read my mind….

Well, I guess I am going to call it a night here. Hope all is well in ya’lls world!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty