Archive for the ‘Blog Central’ Category

Wow.. how things change in your mind..

I look back at a picture, and I think.. That was so great, can I go back there?

I have a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on my desktop.  I took it when I was in San Francisco in May.  I remember standing at the rail of the boat, as we toured the bay, his arms around me holding us both steady on the boat, while I took pictures.  If only I had realized then what I do now, that weekend may have been different.  I wanna go back, and try things a bit differently.  I wanna go back and be a couple, not two people in an awkward place, because one of them didn’t know what she wanted.

It’s weird to think about it now, and realize all the missed opportunities.  I sigh when I think about it, all the thought he put into everything, and me denying what I was feeling.  Now, I examine my feelings and the way our relationship has progressed, and I am amazed

I think that it helps that my kids are on board with all this.. LOL  They like him, and that’s a good thing.  I find myself examining all my feelings, and how deep they may run.  I get a little skittish thinking about the possibilities.. it’s one of those things you second guess at every glance.  My heart has been through Hell in the past, and I am not quite ready to sacrifice it again, but when he looks into my eyes.. I wonder….

Well, this felt good just talking about it.. you know how therapy can help.. well we all know this is my therapy.

Hope yall keep reading

<3 Kitty

Here I sit, thinking about the past few months, and how I went from being okay in my life, to being happy in my life.  I am about to reach 5 years of being with the same company, I got a plaque and a beautiful ring.  I love my job and the people I work with.

I look back over the last 5 years and look at all the changes I have gone through, from being married to separated in the matter of a few months.  Then making some wonderful new friends and missing some dear friends, to watching my best friend of 10 years move away and come back, and realizing, we have grown up.  Then moving another best friend away, and watching him move on with his life, while mine stood still around me.

I learned I am responsible for my own actions, and not the actions of others.  I can take care of me and my kids.  I am a good person.  I have wonderful friends, no matter where they are in their life or I am in mine.

Over the past 2 years, I went through a divorce, and thought I was going to lose a good friend, but we persevered and stayed friends.  I have seen relationships grow and blossom, and relationships fall apart.  I sat there through it all, thinking that I would never be as happy as I once was.

Then, I stepped outside my shell, and tried, and failed.  It didn’t hurt, that’s the scary thing.

In May, I went with one of my best friends up here at work on a business trip to San Francisco, and that is where everything changed.  I fought it all weekend, that feeling of comfort and happiness, and turned it away.

I came back home and realized.. it could have been so much better, if I had just dropped my walls and opened my heart.  I realize now, that God placed me in that place and time for a reason.  To open my eyes and show me what he was putting in front of me.

I have a wonderful boyfriend now.  He makes me smile, and laugh, and miss him when he isn’t around.  He has shown me that I can be happy and live again.  He is something else

I am in a place in my life, I haven’t been in a long time.

I am loving my crazy wonderful life

<3 Kitty

Welcome to Friday night peeps.. I am hanging at the house.. curled up with the laptop at the moment.. gonna curl up with my honey here in a few

Tomorrow we go find out what we are gonna do about the truck   I don’t wanna know the price of what may be wrong.. I don’t wanna think about the possibility of telling Gracy goodbye   I guess I have to face both of those tomorrow >.<  Oh well, all I can do is try to be positive about it and see what God sends my way.

Well, I am gonna go get ready for a couple of chapters of a good book then a snuggle with my honey   Ya’ll have a good night!

<3 Kitty

Good Morning!

Been a great week or so, with a set  back, but working my way through it with the help of my awesome boyfriend

So, we will be together a month on the 29th and it has been an awesome experience!  He and some friends surprised me for my birthday and threw a wonderful birthday party   I really do have amazing friends and family!

Yesterday, I went out to the truck and well had no reverse, this following an odd issue the day before    This has lead to my wonderful huney adding me to his insurance, so that I can drive his car back and forth to work.  He was supposed to get his secondary vehicle running, but that isn’t happening … So, I get to play taxi

Other than the little truck snafu.. well big truck snafu, all is well in my world!  I haven’t been this happy in a while and it feels so great!

Well, I gotta get back to looking productive here.. ya’ll have a great week!

<3 Kitty

Howdy all!

Been a couple of weeks since I have been here.  Been busy being a girlfriend

It’s been an enlightening experience, from being his best friend to his girlfriend, you end up see the sides of him, you have never seen before.  It’s been soo fun, and seeing him smile when he sees me, the little touches when he walks by me.  Makes me blush just to think about it.

We have plans on Sunday.  I don’t know what they are, he won’t tell me!  It’s my birthday Sunday and he is being all cute and secretive   I can’t wait though!

I have to say, that this feels like a place I needed to be.  Everyone else seems to think so too!  My friends up at work, my boss, my director.. our friends in the car club.. LOL it’s been so much fun watching everyone go.. Ohhh!

Okay.. so I guess that is really all I have for now

Ya’ll have a great week, and I will see ya Sunday evening to talk about my birthday and what My Honey did for me

<3 Kitty

It’s funny how sometimes the one person you have turned to in the past with issues and problems becomes the one person you never expected them to be.

I have this friend who has been there for me through some stuff in the past few years.  He knows things about me, that most of my other friends have never known.  I can talk to him about almost anything.  So, when we went to San Francisco together, I never expected anything odd to happen.  We ended up holding hands on the plane, then walking hand in hand on the pier.  It felt nice and right, but internally I was fighting the feelings.  The reason is because I didn’t want us to ruin this great friendship we had developed.  We came home and slipped back into our normal routines.

That’s when the odd things with me began to happen.  He was always there in my mind.  I started dreaming about him, nothing crazy mind you, just little silly things.. like holding hands and laughing together.  Then I was working one day, and he was off… and it hit me.. I missed him.  That’s when it really hit me.  Maybe I liked him more than I thought.  Well, I went over and watched movies with him, and we sat there side by side and held hands, and he walked me out, and that’s when I sat down and talked to him.  I wanted to know what was going on in that head of his, and needed to tell him what was happening in mine.  So, we talked, and then he kissed me goodnight.

He took me to dinner on Monday, and we went back to his place and watched a movie, and held hands, and he kissed me goodnight.. then last night, we made it official and now we are dating.  I have this little giddy feeling inside, because we don’t have all the awkwardness, because we already know each other.  I’m not saying I’m in love.. I am far from that, but he makes me smile, and laugh, and giggle.  He is sweet, and my kids like him, and he is a great person with a good head on his shoulders.

So, here I am.. In a relationship with one of my best friends and hoping that we don’t break each other’s hearts.

<3 Kitty

We walked hand in hand.  You stopped and put your arms around me, and whispered in my ear.  I looked at you and smiled.  This is where I needed to be.

Lately, I dream of you and how it could be.  Hand in hand, side by side, my head on your shoulder, and you smiling at me.  Only problem, my heart doesn’t seem to allow it.  It’s not because of you, it’s because of me.  I have all these back set emotions and feelings.  I have all the previous hurts and fears from previous relationships.

I don’t want to be that girl.

I don’t want to be the girl who comes in and wraps you up in love and then walks away, because I can’t trust or feel the way I should.

I don’t want to stand back, though.  I want to be caught up in all the fun and romance of something new!  I want the secret glances of that little secret love.  I want the teasing touch and soft smile.  I want the brush of your hand across mine.  I want to look into your eyes and see all that and more.

I am on a lost path, long forgotten and thrown away.  I dream about you.  I see you.  I want to feel you.  But… then I sit back and think about it all.  Is it worth all the pain and hurt in the end?  I don’t want to hurt you, and yet the possibility to do that is there.

I think it stems from the fact, that I tell myself, I am not ready for a relationship.  I am not ready for that person who is always in my life and willing to be there for me. I tell myself this everyday, and then you cross my mind.  More and more so, lately.  Am I just telling myself lies, so that I can make my excuses?

I thought about it, all this weekend.  I thought about what it would be like.  I never came to a conclusion, because that isn’t something you can just imagine.  I asked myself.. Christy, are you ready to step outside your little shelter of no hurt and take a step into a new reality?  I couldn’t answer myself.  I couldn’t.

Is this because answering it, brings it all to the forefront and into my reality?  Does this make it really real?  I know how you feel.  I can hear it, see it.. and you have told me as much.  Are we both willing to jump off the deep end and forget our past hurts to delve into something foreign to us?

I guess that is something I will have to investigate and wonder about.. until then.. see you in my dreams.

<3 Kitty

Happy after midnight on a Thursday.

I’ve been listening to music again.. and that makes me think.. and remember and then wonder.  Isn’t that the way it always goes?  So, I have picked up some new music..err well new to me anyways.  One of the songs is Keith Urban’s Til Summer comes around. The song makes me think back over the past few months….

Another long summer’s come and gone
I don’t know why it always ends this way
The boardwalk’s quiet and the carnival rides
Are as empty as my broken heart tonight

But I close my eyes and one more time
We’re spinning around and you’re holding on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you promised you’d be back again
And so I wander ’round this town
’til summer comes around

I got a job working at the old park pier
And every summer now for five long years
I grease the gears, fix the lights, tighten bolts, straighten the tracks
And I count the days ’til you just might come back

But then I close my eyes and one more time,
We’re spinning around and you’re holdin’ on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth,
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you swore that you’d be back again
And so I’m frozen in this town
’til summer comes around

Oh and I close my eyes and you and I
Are stuck on a ferris wheel rockin with the motion
Hand in hand we cried and laughed
Knowing that love belonged to us girl, if only for a moment
And “Baby I’ll be back again” you whispered in my ear
Bot now the winter wind is the only sound
And everything is closing down
’til summer comes around

If you get the chance you should go check the song out.  Now to get down to what it brings out in me.

I know I broke your heart.  I know I will break your heart.

I wanna feel your hand in mine again.  I wanna feel your arms around me just once more.  It felt almost right.  I fought myself tooth and nail.  I didn’t want to break your heart.  I didn’t want you to know.  I didn’t want to know.  I feel lost lately.  I feel like I am going to break another heart, and it breaks my heart.  I don’t wanna be that person.   I just wanna go back.  Just for a minute and change one thing, then maybe it wouldn’t feel like I did you wrong.

I am in a strange place.  I like this person.. and that person.. and well I know that they like me.  The only problem I have.. is that I don’t want to break their hearts.  I think that is why I am soo reluctant to take a step and hold onto that one thing they wanna give me.  What to do?  What to say?  What to think?  Who’s heart will break?  Will it be mine in the end?

I guess these are all the questions I should be asking.. and with none of the answers I like.

Until then..

<3 Kitty

Change…

Is it truly possible?  Animals cannot change their spots or stripes.  People can change their appearance, this is true.  With plastic surgery, hair die, tanning.. whatever pleases them.  But, can a person truly change?

I myself think that some people can change some things, as a whole though, the person is still that person through and through.  Yes, I can tell you that I have changed, but not as a person, just in my demeanor and some of my wants and needs.  We all hold onto those things deep inside that will never change us, no matter how we try.

The man who beats his wife and children.. when pulled from that place.. will say he has changed, but in fact he hasn’t and will go back to beating them again.  The alcoholic who gets thrown into prison, and lives there for years, and says he has changed and has learned to live again, is released and goes straight to the bar to have a drink.  People can say they have changed, and maybe in some small way they have, just not deep down inside.

I have grown accustomed to this life I lead.  I have a solid roof over my head.  My bills are paid.  My kids are clothed and fed.  I have friends and family to turn to.  I love where I am.  I have no need to change myself, or to try to change myself.

I hear, “I have changed, give me a chance to prove it.”

I want to make people understand, it’s not about you changing.  It’s about me and the fact that I am not giving up all that I have done for myself, to throw myself back into that spiral of doubt and depression.  I refuse to do it.  I am in a great place, and I am not giving it up.  I will not sit by and watch you carry on and talk to them and ignore my wants and needs.  I will not sit by and give you everything and not get what I want in return.  I will not sit by and be that support and not get the support in return.  I have grown up a lot over the past three years.  I will admit this.  I know where my priorities lie, and I know where I need to be.  I am not willing to place myself back into that place.

I have walked a path.  I have walked it alone.  I have walked it with God.  I have walked it with my family.  I have walked it with my friends.  My path is clear to me at this point in time.  I am where I need to be.  I am where I am happiest at the moment.  I have gone through Hell ovet the past eight or nine years, trying to find my place in this world.  I have found it.  Let me stay here, let me live my life.  Let me live knowing I have a friend to turn to.  One day, we will all appreciate it in the end.

A leopard cannot change his spots.  Just his demeanor towards you.

<3 Kitty

You know what sucks…

People who take something of yours and take it for their own.  Not a physical item.. but just an idea.  I guess I could consider it flattering that my idea was used, but I am just angry more or less.  It makes me wonder what impact I had on a person that they would come back later and take an idea that I had and not even have the decency to say.. Hey thanks for that!

I know it’s petty.. and selfish.. but it was my idea..

Maybe it’s because I left this lasting impression on him…. Maybe it’s because he thinks about me.. Maybe it’s because he is just a spiteful ass who thinks he can have anything he wants.. when in fact.. he is a whiney.. immature individual..

It really is stupid to get so worked up over something.. but its quite irritating… One of these days I will sit back and confront him on the issue.. but until then.. I guess every time I see it.. or hear it.. it will just bury itself a little deeper in my angry spot.. I’ll get over it.. I always do..

Well, I am about to pass out at the keyboard.. ya’ll have a great day!

<3 Kitty

P.S. Edited after the fact due to angryness and sleep depravity