We walked hand in hand.  You stopped and put your arms around me, and whispered in my ear.  I looked at you and smiled.  This is where I needed to be.

Lately, I dream of you and how it could be.  Hand in hand, side by side, my head on your shoulder, and you smiling at me.  Only problem, my heart doesn’t seem to allow it.  It’s not because of you, it’s because of me.  I have all these back set emotions and feelings.  I have all the previous hurts and fears from previous relationships.

I don’t want to be that girl.

I don’t want to be the girl who comes in and wraps you up in love and then walks away, because I can’t trust or feel the way I should.

I don’t want to stand back, though.  I want to be caught up in all the fun and romance of something new!  I want the secret glances of that little secret love.  I want the teasing touch and soft smile.  I want the brush of your hand across mine.  I want to look into your eyes and see all that and more.

I am on a lost path, long forgotten and thrown away.  I dream about you.  I see you.  I want to feel you.  But… then I sit back and think about it all.  Is it worth all the pain and hurt in the end?  I don’t want to hurt you, and yet the possibility to do that is there.

I think it stems from the fact, that I tell myself, I am not ready for a relationship.  I am not ready for that person who is always in my life and willing to be there for me. I tell myself this everyday, and then you cross my mind.  More and more so, lately.  Am I just telling myself lies, so that I can make my excuses?

I thought about it, all this weekend.  I thought about what it would be like.  I never came to a conclusion, because that isn’t something you can just imagine.  I asked myself.. Christy, are you ready to step outside your little shelter of no hurt and take a step into a new reality?  I couldn’t answer myself.  I couldn’t.

Is this because answering it, brings it all to the forefront and into my reality?  Does this make it really real?  I know how you feel.  I can hear it, see it.. and you have told me as much.  Are we both willing to jump off the deep end and forget our past hurts to delve into something foreign to us?

I guess that is something I will have to investigate and wonder about.. until then.. see you in my dreams.

<3 Kitty