Archive for June, 2010

It’s funny how sometimes the one person you have turned to in the past with issues and problems becomes the one person you never expected them to be.

I have this friend who has been there for me through some stuff in the past few years.  He knows things about me, that most of my other friends have never known.  I can talk to him about almost anything.  So, when we went to San Francisco together, I never expected anything odd to happen.  We ended up holding hands on the plane, then walking hand in hand on the pier.  It felt nice and right, but internally I was fighting the feelings.  The reason is because I didn’t want us to ruin this great friendship we had developed.  We came home and slipped back into our normal routines.

That’s when the odd things with me began to happen.  He was always there in my mind.  I started dreaming about him, nothing crazy mind you, just little silly things.. like holding hands and laughing together.  Then I was working one day, and he was off… and it hit me.. I missed him.  That’s when it really hit me.  Maybe I liked him more than I thought.  Well, I went over and watched movies with him, and we sat there side by side and held hands, and he walked me out, and that’s when I sat down and talked to him.  I wanted to know what was going on in that head of his, and needed to tell him what was happening in mine.  So, we talked, and then he kissed me goodnight.

He took me to dinner on Monday, and we went back to his place and watched a movie, and held hands, and he kissed me goodnight.. then last night, we made it official and now we are dating.  I have this little giddy feeling inside, because we don’t have all the awkwardness, because we already know each other.  I’m not saying I’m in love.. I am far from that, but he makes me smile, and laugh, and giggle.  He is sweet, and my kids like him, and he is a great person with a good head on his shoulders.

So, here I am.. In a relationship with one of my best friends and hoping that we don’t break each other’s hearts.

<3 Kitty

We walked hand in hand.  You stopped and put your arms around me, and whispered in my ear.  I looked at you and smiled.  This is where I needed to be.

Lately, I dream of you and how it could be.  Hand in hand, side by side, my head on your shoulder, and you smiling at me.  Only problem, my heart doesn’t seem to allow it.  It’s not because of you, it’s because of me.  I have all these back set emotions and feelings.  I have all the previous hurts and fears from previous relationships.

I don’t want to be that girl.

I don’t want to be the girl who comes in and wraps you up in love and then walks away, because I can’t trust or feel the way I should.

I don’t want to stand back, though.  I want to be caught up in all the fun and romance of something new!  I want the secret glances of that little secret love.  I want the teasing touch and soft smile.  I want the brush of your hand across mine.  I want to look into your eyes and see all that and more.

I am on a lost path, long forgotten and thrown away.  I dream about you.  I see you.  I want to feel you.  But… then I sit back and think about it all.  Is it worth all the pain and hurt in the end?  I don’t want to hurt you, and yet the possibility to do that is there.

I think it stems from the fact, that I tell myself, I am not ready for a relationship.  I am not ready for that person who is always in my life and willing to be there for me. I tell myself this everyday, and then you cross my mind.  More and more so, lately.  Am I just telling myself lies, so that I can make my excuses?

I thought about it, all this weekend.  I thought about what it would be like.  I never came to a conclusion, because that isn’t something you can just imagine.  I asked myself.. Christy, are you ready to step outside your little shelter of no hurt and take a step into a new reality?  I couldn’t answer myself.  I couldn’t.

Is this because answering it, brings it all to the forefront and into my reality?  Does this make it really real?  I know how you feel.  I can hear it, see it.. and you have told me as much.  Are we both willing to jump off the deep end and forget our past hurts to delve into something foreign to us?

I guess that is something I will have to investigate and wonder about.. until then.. see you in my dreams.

<3 Kitty

Happy after midnight on a Thursday.

I’ve been listening to music again.. and that makes me think.. and remember and then wonder.  Isn’t that the way it always goes?  So, I have picked up some new music..err well new to me anyways.  One of the songs is Keith Urban’s Til Summer comes around. The song makes me think back over the past few months….

Another long summer’s come and gone
I don’t know why it always ends this way
The boardwalk’s quiet and the carnival rides
Are as empty as my broken heart tonight

But I close my eyes and one more time
We’re spinning around and you’re holding on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you promised you’d be back again
And so I wander ’round this town
’til summer comes around

I got a job working at the old park pier
And every summer now for five long years
I grease the gears, fix the lights, tighten bolts, straighten the tracks
And I count the days ’til you just might come back

But then I close my eyes and one more time,
We’re spinning around and you’re holdin’ on tightly
The words came out, I kissed your mouth,
No Fourth of July has ever burned so brightly
You had to go, I understand
But you swore that you’d be back again
And so I’m frozen in this town
’til summer comes around

Oh and I close my eyes and you and I
Are stuck on a ferris wheel rockin with the motion
Hand in hand we cried and laughed
Knowing that love belonged to us girl, if only for a moment
And “Baby I’ll be back again” you whispered in my ear
Bot now the winter wind is the only sound
And everything is closing down
’til summer comes around

If you get the chance you should go check the song out.  Now to get down to what it brings out in me.

I know I broke your heart.  I know I will break your heart.

I wanna feel your hand in mine again.  I wanna feel your arms around me just once more.  It felt almost right.  I fought myself tooth and nail.  I didn’t want to break your heart.  I didn’t want you to know.  I didn’t want to know.  I feel lost lately.  I feel like I am going to break another heart, and it breaks my heart.  I don’t wanna be that person.   I just wanna go back.  Just for a minute and change one thing, then maybe it wouldn’t feel like I did you wrong.

I am in a strange place.  I like this person.. and that person.. and well I know that they like me.  The only problem I have.. is that I don’t want to break their hearts.  I think that is why I am soo reluctant to take a step and hold onto that one thing they wanna give me.  What to do?  What to say?  What to think?  Who’s heart will break?  Will it be mine in the end?

I guess these are all the questions I should be asking.. and with none of the answers I like.

Until then..

<3 Kitty

Oh sweetheart put the bottle down
You’ve got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There’s a cure you’ve found it
Slow motion sparks
You caught that chill
Now don’t deny it
But boys will be boys
Oh yes they will
They don’t wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me
If you’re looking for thrills then get cold feet

Oh no I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me
I don’t come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand
And your heart on your sleeve
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I fall deep
‘Cause the more that you try
The harder I’ll fight
To say … Goodnight

I can’t cook no but I can clean
Up the mess she left
Lay your head down and feel the beats
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last
But this is now
So love the one you’re with
You want a chase
But you’re chasing your tail
A quick fix won’t ever get you well

Oh no I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me
I don’t come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand
And your heart on your sleeve
Oh no I do not hook up, up
I fall deep
‘Cause the more that you try
The harder I’ll fight
To say
‘Cause the more that you try
The harder I’ll fight
To say … Goodnight

Oh sweetheart put the bottle down
‘Cause you don’t wanna miss out

Change…

Is it truly possible?  Animals cannot change their spots or stripes.  People can change their appearance, this is true.  With plastic surgery, hair die, tanning.. whatever pleases them.  But, can a person truly change?

I myself think that some people can change some things, as a whole though, the person is still that person through and through.  Yes, I can tell you that I have changed, but not as a person, just in my demeanor and some of my wants and needs.  We all hold onto those things deep inside that will never change us, no matter how we try.

The man who beats his wife and children.. when pulled from that place.. will say he has changed, but in fact he hasn’t and will go back to beating them again.  The alcoholic who gets thrown into prison, and lives there for years, and says he has changed and has learned to live again, is released and goes straight to the bar to have a drink.  People can say they have changed, and maybe in some small way they have, just not deep down inside.

I have grown accustomed to this life I lead.  I have a solid roof over my head.  My bills are paid.  My kids are clothed and fed.  I have friends and family to turn to.  I love where I am.  I have no need to change myself, or to try to change myself.

I hear, “I have changed, give me a chance to prove it.”

I want to make people understand, it’s not about you changing.  It’s about me and the fact that I am not giving up all that I have done for myself, to throw myself back into that spiral of doubt and depression.  I refuse to do it.  I am in a great place, and I am not giving it up.  I will not sit by and watch you carry on and talk to them and ignore my wants and needs.  I will not sit by and give you everything and not get what I want in return.  I will not sit by and be that support and not get the support in return.  I have grown up a lot over the past three years.  I will admit this.  I know where my priorities lie, and I know where I need to be.  I am not willing to place myself back into that place.

I have walked a path.  I have walked it alone.  I have walked it with God.  I have walked it with my family.  I have walked it with my friends.  My path is clear to me at this point in time.  I am where I need to be.  I am where I am happiest at the moment.  I have gone through Hell ovet the past eight or nine years, trying to find my place in this world.  I have found it.  Let me stay here, let me live my life.  Let me live knowing I have a friend to turn to.  One day, we will all appreciate it in the end.

A leopard cannot change his spots.  Just his demeanor towards you.

<3 Kitty

You know what sucks…

People who take something of yours and take it for their own.  Not a physical item.. but just an idea.  I guess I could consider it flattering that my idea was used, but I am just angry more or less.  It makes me wonder what impact I had on a person that they would come back later and take an idea that I had and not even have the decency to say.. Hey thanks for that!

I know it’s petty.. and selfish.. but it was my idea..

Maybe it’s because I left this lasting impression on him…. Maybe it’s because he thinks about me.. Maybe it’s because he is just a spiteful ass who thinks he can have anything he wants.. when in fact.. he is a whiney.. immature individual..

It really is stupid to get so worked up over something.. but its quite irritating… One of these days I will sit back and confront him on the issue.. but until then.. I guess every time I see it.. or hear it.. it will just bury itself a little deeper in my angry spot.. I’ll get over it.. I always do..

Well, I am about to pass out at the keyboard.. ya’ll have a great day!

<3 Kitty

P.S. Edited after the fact due to angryness and sleep depravity

I sat here this morning.. Dwelling on my past.. my present.. and my future.

I get in these moods.. and my brain overworks itself.  I got to thinking about everyone that has been in.. is in.. or may be in my life, and wondered…

Do I still cross your mind?

Do you pick up the phone and look at it and wonder if you should call?

Do you look at a picture and think of me?

Do you see something in the window of a store, or a car driving down the road, and think of me?

Do you think back to late night calls and wish you were there again?

Do you listen to me now, and wish I was right there?

Will you be that person in my future that I hold and talk to about my day?

Will you be the one I live out the rest of my life with?

Will I be that person you want me to be?

Yes, this is what happens when I have to much time on my hands to think.  I wonder if I could have done things differently in the past to make it all work.  I wonder why someone I never really ‘knew’ still crosses my mind and makes me think of them?  What kills me, it that if I knew they were thinking of me.. I don’t know how that would really make me feel.  My mind and emotions always get the best of me.  I think it stems from the dreams I had this weekend.  He was there.. but it wasn’t him.  It was different.. there was danger involved and I knew it, and I knew I was losing him.  But, I haven’t talked to him or anything in over a month, why would he cross my mind now?  There wasn’t anything there, before.. and not now.  So, why the weird dreams?  Maybe my subconscience is just eating at me, maybe my heart is playing games with my mind, because it knows that someone else is trying to take that place, and that this someone has alot of my attention.

I don’t know.  I wish I did.  I guess I will just keep walking away from my past, through my present, and into my future, hoping for the best.

Happy Reading!

<3 Kitty