You ever feel like there are people in your life that are meant to be there, but that you get so angry with them, because of something trivial, that you feel bad about it?  Do you ever wonder why they say that love knows no bounds, and yet those bounds are crossed on a daily basis?  Why do people insist on making things that are small and trivial into something big and obnoxious?  Why is it a man that has been in and out of your life for 35 years, is suddenly the most important person in the world, with one little phone call?

This past weekend has been stressful, anger filled, and guilt ridden and for some reason I can’t shake it.  I am all jumbled up inside.  Saturday morning I got a call from my half brother, in Arkansas.  My dad is now bed ridden, and has no use of his legs.  He sounded all raspy and like he has a lot of fluid on his lungs.  I got to talk to him for just a few, before he went back to sleep.  I called later that day, and my brother advised that Dad was on his way to the hospital, he had no movement in his left arm.  I waited for an update, and didn’t get one that evening.  Sunday morning I called and got the hospital information and called and talked to a nurse.  She advised he may have had a minor stroke.  Now the waiting game begins.  I called him today and got to talk to him for a few minutes.  He still sounds all rattley inside but he was alert.  We will have to wait and see what happens.

So, on to another subject.  How can something so small and so trivial, make someone so angry and then come back to make you feel angry and guilty for being angry all at the same time?  The heart speaks the words that only fall on deaf ears and are never heard by those that need it.  I feel like I don’t need to explain myself, but if I don’t explain myself I feel like I am the guilty person who did nothing wrong.  I mean yeah, I am ‘technically’ the one that should be held ‘responsible’ but I didn’t do anything wrong.  I accepted an invite, and got griped at, because the event ran over and into someone else’s plans.  Not because of anything I did, but because of someone else’s actions.  Yet, I get pulled to the side and scolded like a child, when I wasn’t the one responsible for everyone else’s actions.  I cannot control the universe and all that happens in it.  I cannot control those around me, that I have no cotrol over, yet I am the one who gets the brunt of it.  In the end, I feel guilty, and I really did nothing wrong.  Again Love knows no bounds….

I think I need to just walk away from my pc right now.  I have to much on my mind and in my heart for me to go on.  I have been through worse, but I dont’ feel like I can handle it now.  I don’t want worse to come, I want better to come along.  I want Dad to get better, and I want to not feel so awful about things I have no control over, but because my heart steps in the way, I feel bad.

Later guys and gals…see ya on the upside of things…I hope.