She walked through my door, Gucci purse in her hand and a pair of Prada shoes on her feet.  Her blonde hair fell to her shoulders in soft curls, and blue eyes softly accented with a light shadow and liner.  Her hands were perfectly manicured, and her suit tailored.  She looked me up and down as I stood there in shock at the entry way.  She had his eyes.

“I know we haven’t met formally, I am Jillian, Josh’s mom.”  She held out her perfectly manicured hand to me, I took it gingerly and shook it.  “I have something of his that he would have wanted you to have.  I hope you don’t mind me just showing up.”

I was struck speechless.  I stood there and looked into his blue eyes.  Several things tumbled through my mind at that point.  How did she know where I lived and who I was?  What would he have wanted me to have?  Why do I feel very uncomfortable with her here in my apartment?

“I apologize, I am just not quite sure what to say at the moment.  It has been a very stressful time.”  I managed to say, stumbling through the apology.  “Would you like something to drink?  I have some Orange Juice, or hot tea?”

“No, thank you, though.  I just wanted to stop by and drop this off for you.”  She reached into her Gucci bag, and pulled an envelope out.  “He was saving up for a trip for you two.  He told me about it, just a few weeks before the accident.  I am sure he would want you to have this.  Also, there is a letter in there from him, from when you two broke up.  I am sure that he would have liked you to have it as well.  Again, I apologize for the intrusion.  I need to go ahead and leave, I am flying out to the Virgin Isles here in a few hours.”  At that she handed me a big yellow envelope, and walked out my door, leaving me standing there.

“Thank you.”  I managed to squeak as the door shut.

I walked slowly over to the kitchen counter, and leaned against it for support.  I opened the clasp on the big yellow envelope and looked inside.  There were several pieces of paper and another smaller white envelope.  I unceremoniously dumped it all out on the kitchen counter.  There was the shuffle of paper, and a small tinkling as something metal hit the counter.  There was a glint of silver and green under the light, and I realized it was a ring.  An small square emerald on a silver band.  I picked it up and tears welled in my eyes.  I put it back down on the counter, and picked up the papers that were now scattered all over the counter.  There was a receipt for a hotel in  Colorado in November, along with the vouchers for the plane tickets.  I slid them carefully back into the envelope, and looked at one sheet that seemed to just stare back at me.

It was a letter to me, from Josh, it was dated the day of the accident.

My dearest Jesse,

I haven’t slept in about 4 days.  It kills me to close my eyes, all I do is see you.  I see the way you looked in the river with your hair wet and falling over your shoulders.  I see the way your eyes would light up whenever you saw me.  I see the way you would smile at me when you wanted me in your arms.  I still feel those arms, tight around me.  I am laying here in bed and debating whether I want to drive out there, and grab you and run off to another place and time, where I know we will always be together.

Instead I sit here, and torture myself.  I look over at the picture we took at the mall in the little photo booth.  I listen to our songs, over and over.  I never realized how much someone could love, until you said goodbye.  I never knew how much it would hurt to not have you in my life.  I don’t know what caused it, but I want to fix it.  I want it to be better.  I want us to be together again.

Jesse, please just come to me, tell me all of it, tell me what happened, who did this to us?  You know I am here for you, and that I would be here for you no matter what.  The only thing that would keep us apart….is death.

Dammit..I am on my way…

The note ended suddenly, like his life ended.  Suddenly and for no reason.  I let some person influence me, and let me believe things that weren’t true.  I could have prevented this, if I had just followed my heart.

I slid the letter back into the big yellow envelope.  My eyes moved to the small white envelope.  I picked it up and it seemed heavy.  It was sealed.  I opened it carefully, and dropped it to the counter, putting my hand over my mouth.

It just couldn’t be…..

I picked it up and began to count.  There was over $100,000 dollars in the envelope.  What in the hell was Josh thinking?  A small slip of paper fell out as I tried to put the money back in.

Jesse,

This isn’t from Josh.  It’s from Jillian, I wanted to make sure that the baby was taken care of.  I mean, if I hadn’t been such a control freak, Josh would be here today to help you take care of the child.  I would love to be involved in your lives.  I won’t interfere though.  Please don’t hate me.  I just wanted to make sure that my baby did right.  Little did I know that you were the right one for him.  He saw it clearly, from the day you met.  Again, I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Jillian

I slumped to the floor, sliding down the side of the kitchen cabinet.  It was her.  I let her stand here in my kitchen.  She killed him.  Now, I have to spend my life raising a child that should have had an amazing dad, all because of her.

I slowly got up form the floor, tears flowing angrily from my eyes.  I got dressed, and got in the truck and drove.  Drove all the way out to the graveyard in Weatherford, where Josh was laid to rest.

I sat there on the ground at his headstone.  The ring he gave me on my left hand.  His note in my right hand.

“I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell you the way I really felt.  It’s funny how things work out.  All this time, I knew that I loved you, but I didn’t want to.  Why?  Because I didn’t want to get hurt.  So, I told myself, it’s not worth it all.  I told myself, all he will do is hurt you and leave you.  I told myself, the night I told you I didn’t want to see you anymore, that I wasn’t in love with you.  I told myself up until the day you died.  Then I told myself how stupid I was.  I told myself how ignorant I was to ignore all those feelings.  Now I sit here, with a ring, a letter, and your child on the way, and that is all I have left of you.  I found out today that it was your mom.  I felt guilty, because I thought this was my fault.  It wasn’t, and I feel a little better.  I just wish that you were here, that I could hold you one last time.”  I leaned down and kissed his name on the headstone.

“Jesse?” A voice from behind me said.

I turned around, and there was Josh.  I screamed, and started to scramble backwards on my hands.  He saw the horror in my eyes, and started waving his hands to stop me.

“No!  Your dead, I saw you!!”

(More to Come)