Archive for July, 2009

I scrambled back as fast as I could, it couldn’t be him!  I saw him laying there all crumpled and bloody, arms and legs in angles they shouldn’t have been.  How?  How was he standing there?

“Jesse, wait, let me explain!”  He took a step toward me cautiously. “Please, just trust me for a moment.”  Those blue eyes pleaded with me.

I stopped backing up, and sat there on the fresh dirt, trembling and stuttering incoherently.  Suddenly everything started to go dark, and I started to hyperventilate.  “Jesus, Jesse!  Breathe baby, breathe.”  He rushed over to me.  The last thing I saw was his hand reaching for me.

*                                                      *                                                     *

“Dad, it’s the only way I could make sure.  No, I want her out of our lives!  I don’t want her to have anything to do with us anymore.  She doesn’t exist to me anymore.  Goodbye!”

“Josh?  Am I dead?  Why are you here?  This doesn’t make sense.”  I spoke it all slowly, trying to believe my own words that Josh was alive.

“Jesse, your waking up!  You gave me quite a scare.  Doctor says you and the baby are fine.  Once you are completely awake and able to handle it all, I will explain.”  I felt his lips on my forehead, they were warm and soft.

I struggled to pull myself up to a sitting position, and slowly opened my eyes.  I was in a room, not my room, and not a hospital room.  “Where am I?”

“You’re at my house, it’s the guest room.  How ya feeling?”

“Fine I think.”  I looked down, and I was in a hospital gown.  “Do you just have medical facilities on site?”  I looked at him puzzled.

“No, silly.  I called my family physician in, he brought the hospital gown and stuff.  I just wanted to make sure you were as comfy as possible.”  He looked at me and smiled.

“Okay, can I have a drink of something, my mouth is a bit dry.”  He reached over to a bedside table, and handed me a small glass of ice water.

“Okay, so why are you here, and not six feet under, and what were you telling your dad when I came to?”  I put the glass back on the small table, and looked at him intently.

“So, this is kinda complicated, and you may get very mad at me, but just remember this.  No matter what happens between us or to us, I will love you always.  Okay?”

“Okay”

“I staged my death.  Why?  Because I knew something was going on.  I needed to find out what.  So, I hired an investigator, and worked with the local law enforcement to make it all work and be possible.  This could have ended worse.  My mom is being brought on charges, because of the harassment and possibly a charge of attempted involuntary manslaughter.  In the past, there have been times that it ended worse, but they have to be proven that it was her that caused the deaths.  Yes, deaths.  She wasn’t counting on me falling in love this time.  She wasn’t counting on me catching on to the scheme this time.  In the past, she would just threaten the girls until they did something stupid, or killed themselves, because she would get to them that bad.  I can’t help but feel guilty now.  They are dead all because of me.”  He paused a moment and took a long deep breathe.  “So, I set it up.  I made sure mom knew how I felt, and that I was going to take you to Colorado this November and propose to you.  She was furious, I could see it in her eyes.  I had him watching her every move.  I had him hacking her email accounts.  I had him following letters.  I knew it all.  I had to make her pay.  So, we found a double.  I was the one who came to your door that morning.  I was the one who walked away.  My double was the one in the car.  I was in another vehicle in the parking lot.  I didn’t expect you to follow like that.  I didn’t want you to see the accident.  It killed me to watch you fall to the ground as you fainted.  I couldn’t run to you, I couldn’t cradle you in my arms.  I just had to watch.  It was tricky getting it all set up.  We knew where the accident would occur.  We just didn’t count on you being there.  Luckily it was believable enough.  So, I sat back and watch them ‘bury’ me.  I sat there and wondered where you were.  That’s when the investigator got what he needed.  The last email to you from her, and your email back.  When I found out that you were pregnant, it took all my self control to not run to you, and pick you up and hold you.  We watched her.  She drove to your apartment.  We watched her leave.  She is now on her way back to the states.  She is going to jail.  For a long time.”  He looked up at me.

“Josh, I….I…”  I started to cry.

“I know babe.  It’s hard for you to see me here.  It must have been hard to think that  Iwas dead.  But I am not.  I am here..living, breathing, and ready to be a dad.  I want to marry you, and have babies…lots of babies!!  Jess, I love you so much, being away from you almost killed me.”  He reached over and took my left hand, the one with the ring he gave me.  “Marry me!  This weekend!  What ever you want!”  I almost fainted again.

“Yes!  Yes!  Yes!!!”  I pulled him close to me and kissed him.

*                                             *                                                      *

Two years have passed.  Josh and I live in that big house in Weatherford.  With our blue eyed baby boy, toddling around the house.  His mom went to prison, life sentence.  They got her for two other ‘suicides’.  His dad Frank comes up and sees us and the baby every weekend.  We named the baby Joshua Franklin.  He was born in April the year after the accident.  It’s amazing how something so small can change your entire outlook on life.

There really can be a happily ever after…..

The End

Yesterdays a memory
Another page in history
You sell yourself on hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways.
Tripping over my own feet
Trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the Highway
Yeah, Are you going my way?

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn’t black and white
And it’s anything but grey
I know that no I’m not alright, but I feel ok cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That’s the story of my life

I gonna write the melody
That’s gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I’ll show you first
There just ain’t a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It’s a mystery, it’s a blessing and a curse
Or something worse

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you’re by my side when I’m writing the last page

Confession time???

So, I have signed up on an online dating site.  I have been on it for a while now…but not active until recently.  I have sent out a couple of little hellos…and either have gotten a quick reply..or nothing.  I can be pretty shy, for the most part, and I am not usually aggressive in things like this.

So, when I get a response…I rely and try to sound like a girl that a guy would like to go out with…

What am I doing wrong….am I to aggresive, not aggressive enough.  I respond…hell I even gave out my number… *sigh*

IDK…maybe I just need to go back to being in my hole…LOL

Guess we will see what happens…right?

Wow…tonight was awesome.

Did part of Naxx tonight, the last two wings and the last two bosses.  Got some awesome drops   i also got my epic Flying tonight, and I finally got to learn the Green proto Drake mount!!  Had it for like 3 weeks now   Love the Oracles..LOL

So..I totally love my guild and my guildmates!!  My GM is one of the bestest peeps I know…Besides my BFF who got me hooked on this insanely addictive game O.o

So, just thought I would give ya’ll a quick update!!

Happy Gaming!

Howdy ya’ll!!

Been a great weekend so far!  Went to the mall and a birthday party for a friend last night, and today I went Bridesmaid dress shopping.  I am exhausted!!  But it’s all good, been great…Loving life

So, this year’s birthday has been way better than last year.  Last year was spent on planes and in airports…Oy!!

It’s been great getting all the little Happy Birthdays from everyone..It will make you feel loved

I did get a present   One of my BFF’s gave me two ballcaps..One in pink and one in black!!  Yeee…I Love ball caps!!  Gave me a great card too!!  Well, I am about to head off to bed…Like I said I am exhausted!!

Hope ya’ll have a great rest of the weekend!!

She walked through my door, Gucci purse in her hand and a pair of Prada shoes on her feet.  Her blonde hair fell to her shoulders in soft curls, and blue eyes softly accented with a light shadow and liner.  Her hands were perfectly manicured, and her suit tailored.  She looked me up and down as I stood there in shock at the entry way.  She had his eyes.

“I know we haven’t met formally, I am Jillian, Josh’s mom.”  She held out her perfectly manicured hand to me, I took it gingerly and shook it.  “I have something of his that he would have wanted you to have.  I hope you don’t mind me just showing up.”

I was struck speechless.  I stood there and looked into his blue eyes.  Several things tumbled through my mind at that point.  How did she know where I lived and who I was?  What would he have wanted me to have?  Why do I feel very uncomfortable with her here in my apartment?

“I apologize, I am just not quite sure what to say at the moment.  It has been a very stressful time.”  I managed to say, stumbling through the apology.  “Would you like something to drink?  I have some Orange Juice, or hot tea?”

“No, thank you, though.  I just wanted to stop by and drop this off for you.”  She reached into her Gucci bag, and pulled an envelope out.  “He was saving up for a trip for you two.  He told me about it, just a few weeks before the accident.  I am sure he would want you to have this.  Also, there is a letter in there from him, from when you two broke up.  I am sure that he would have liked you to have it as well.  Again, I apologize for the intrusion.  I need to go ahead and leave, I am flying out to the Virgin Isles here in a few hours.”  At that she handed me a big yellow envelope, and walked out my door, leaving me standing there.

“Thank you.”  I managed to squeak as the door shut.

I walked slowly over to the kitchen counter, and leaned against it for support.  I opened the clasp on the big yellow envelope and looked inside.  There were several pieces of paper and another smaller white envelope.  I unceremoniously dumped it all out on the kitchen counter.  There was the shuffle of paper, and a small tinkling as something metal hit the counter.  There was a glint of silver and green under the light, and I realized it was a ring.  An small square emerald on a silver band.  I picked it up and tears welled in my eyes.  I put it back down on the counter, and picked up the papers that were now scattered all over the counter.  There was a receipt for a hotel in  Colorado in November, along with the vouchers for the plane tickets.  I slid them carefully back into the envelope, and looked at one sheet that seemed to just stare back at me.

It was a letter to me, from Josh, it was dated the day of the accident.

My dearest Jesse,

I haven’t slept in about 4 days.  It kills me to close my eyes, all I do is see you.  I see the way you looked in the river with your hair wet and falling over your shoulders.  I see the way your eyes would light up whenever you saw me.  I see the way you would smile at me when you wanted me in your arms.  I still feel those arms, tight around me.  I am laying here in bed and debating whether I want to drive out there, and grab you and run off to another place and time, where I know we will always be together.

Instead I sit here, and torture myself.  I look over at the picture we took at the mall in the little photo booth.  I listen to our songs, over and over.  I never realized how much someone could love, until you said goodbye.  I never knew how much it would hurt to not have you in my life.  I don’t know what caused it, but I want to fix it.  I want it to be better.  I want us to be together again.

Jesse, please just come to me, tell me all of it, tell me what happened, who did this to us?  You know I am here for you, and that I would be here for you no matter what.  The only thing that would keep us apart….is death.

Dammit..I am on my way…

The note ended suddenly, like his life ended.  Suddenly and for no reason.  I let some person influence me, and let me believe things that weren’t true.  I could have prevented this, if I had just followed my heart.

I slid the letter back into the big yellow envelope.  My eyes moved to the small white envelope.  I picked it up and it seemed heavy.  It was sealed.  I opened it carefully, and dropped it to the counter, putting my hand over my mouth.

It just couldn’t be…..

I picked it up and began to count.  There was over $100,000 dollars in the envelope.  What in the hell was Josh thinking?  A small slip of paper fell out as I tried to put the money back in.

Jesse,

This isn’t from Josh.  It’s from Jillian, I wanted to make sure that the baby was taken care of.  I mean, if I hadn’t been such a control freak, Josh would be here today to help you take care of the child.  I would love to be involved in your lives.  I won’t interfere though.  Please don’t hate me.  I just wanted to make sure that my baby did right.  Little did I know that you were the right one for him.  He saw it clearly, from the day you met.  Again, I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Jillian

I slumped to the floor, sliding down the side of the kitchen cabinet.  It was her.  I let her stand here in my kitchen.  She killed him.  Now, I have to spend my life raising a child that should have had an amazing dad, all because of her.

I slowly got up form the floor, tears flowing angrily from my eyes.  I got dressed, and got in the truck and drove.  Drove all the way out to the graveyard in Weatherford, where Josh was laid to rest.

I sat there on the ground at his headstone.  The ring he gave me on my left hand.  His note in my right hand.

“I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell you the way I really felt.  It’s funny how things work out.  All this time, I knew that I loved you, but I didn’t want to.  Why?  Because I didn’t want to get hurt.  So, I told myself, it’s not worth it all.  I told myself, all he will do is hurt you and leave you.  I told myself, the night I told you I didn’t want to see you anymore, that I wasn’t in love with you.  I told myself up until the day you died.  Then I told myself how stupid I was.  I told myself how ignorant I was to ignore all those feelings.  Now I sit here, with a ring, a letter, and your child on the way, and that is all I have left of you.  I found out today that it was your mom.  I felt guilty, because I thought this was my fault.  It wasn’t, and I feel a little better.  I just wish that you were here, that I could hold you one last time.”  I leaned down and kissed his name on the headstone.

“Jesse?” A voice from behind me said.

I turned around, and there was Josh.  I screamed, and started to scramble backwards on my hands.  He saw the horror in my eyes, and started waving his hands to stop me.

“No!  Your dead, I saw you!!”

(More to Come)

I was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleepin
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read:

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape

I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kinda mean
But me and my old lady
Had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I’m nobody’s poet
I thought it wasn’t half bad

Yes I like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food
I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malleys
Where we’ll plan our escape

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, oh it’s you
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, I never knew

That you liked pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of the champagne
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
You’re the lady I’ve looked for
Come with me and escape

If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the summer cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape
Yes I like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I’m not much into health food
I am into champagne
I’ve got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O’Malleys
Where we’ll plan our escape…

This was inspired by lotion…LMAO!!  If you really wanna know…jsut ask……

It’s always hard to say goodbye.  Whether it’s for a day, a month, or even a year. 

Last year, I helped pack up my best friend and his two dogs, and helped move them half way across the country.  It was a year ago this last weekend that we did that.  I thought things would change, and we would drift apart, and he would forget about me.  Nope!  We are still the best of friends.  I talk to him just about every day.  I went and saw him over Spring Break.  It was hard to say good bye to him a year ago, now I see that it wasn’t really goodbye after all.  It was see ya soon, and be safe

So, yeah…it’s been a year, and I miss having him around, to stay out till all unknown hours of the morning playing video games or watching movies, and playing with the dogs…but that’s okay…I still stay up with him till all hours of the morning..playing video games and talking about all the craziness in our lives.   It’s almost like nothing has changed…except I am at home and up til all hours of the morning.

I may still miss him, but our freindship is still as strong as ever!! 

Have fun…Be safe…and keep your friends close…

I woke up the next morning to a pounding on my door.  I lay there thinking…If I ignore them, they will go away.  The pounding got more insistent.  I crawled grudgingly out of bed, and threw a pair of sweats on.  “I’m coming!” I yelled through the apartment, at the door.  I looked out the peep hole, and it was Joshua.  My heart stopped in my chest.  I unlocked the door, and slowly opened it.

“Jesse, I need to talk to you, it’s important!” He all but yelled at me.  His eyes pleading and dark circles under them.

“Josh, it’s 7am on a Saturday, what the hell are you doing?”  I opened the door a little wider.  He was standing there in a pair of pajama pants, flip flops, and a white tee shirt.  I stepped back from the door, with a worried look on my face.

“Jess, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.” He said as he made his way passed me, to stand in the entry way.  He looked like he hadn’t slept in several days, and was a total wreck.  “I really need to talk to you about this last week.  I think that we need to reevaluate everything.  I can’t get you out of my head.  I can’t get you out of my heart.  I have never felt this way about anyone.  It’s a little scary, and yet totally amazing.  I think about you all the time.  Your in my dreams, your in my thoughts, even when I’m not really thinking about you.  A song comes on, and I think of you.  I hear the rumble of a truck, and I think about you.  I go to Wal Mart and I think about you.  You are like an addiction, one that I need to either continue to hold on to…or die without you.”  He looked at me, and there were tears in his eyes.

“Josh, I can’t…you don’t understand.  It’s not really me…”  I stopped, and he saw the look on my face.

“No….she didn’t!  I told her not to interfere anymore.  I told her that she couldn’t control me anymore!  This is it.  It’s done, I won’t let her continue to do this!!”  He stormed out the door, the last thing I heard was, ” I am going to kill her this time!!”

I threw a pair of flip flops on, and grabbed my keys and purse.  I didn’t know if I could keep up with him in the truck, but I was damn well gonna try.  I reached the door of the truck and had it started and backed out, while he was just going through the security gates of the apartments.  I could hear the tires spin on pavement as the gate finally opened.  I followed suit.  He raced through the side streets, out to the highway, out toward Weatherford.  I pushed that truck as hard as I could to stay with him, he always stayed far enough ahead, that I could just see the glint of yellow in the distance.  He weaved his way in and out of traffic.  He took the off ramp at a high rate of speed, and blew right through the stop sign, and was sideswiped by a Ford Expedition.  It all happened in slow motion.  One minute he was there, the next he wasn’t.  I slowed down, and threw the truck in park, grabbed my cell phone, and called 9-1-1.  I got to the porche, and he wasn’t there.  I looked around…

I could hear the voices…I could hear the sirens…I could hear my heart.  I saw him laying there on the ground.  His body twisted up in angles, it really shouldn’t twist.  Everything seemed to stop.

I woke up in a hospital room.  Bright lights, and voices.  Shelly was there, her hand in mine.

“Nasty spill you took there, paramedics said you just passed out.  You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.”  She looked at me with that look, the one I knew all to well.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

“Yes, hun, he is.  He was DOA.  They couldn’t do anything to help him.  He didn’t have his seatbelt on, apparently and went through the passenger side window.”

I started to cry.  I continued to cry for the next several days, off and on.  The funeral came and went, I didn’t go.

About a month after the accident, I was feeling kinda nauseous, I thought it was from all the meds I had been on, and was slowly taking myself off of.  This went on for a few days.  I finally decided to go into the doctor.  He took some blood, ran some tests.  Came back in, and told me I was pregnant.

I woke up a few minutes later, to a cold compress on my head.

“Are you sure?” I asked, rather shakily.

“Yes ma’am.  Do you remember the last time you had your cycle?”

“Yeah, it was about a month and a half…oh hell…I am…Oh my God!  I am having Josh’s baby.”  I reflexively put my hand on my stomach.  I left the doctor’s office, in a rather shaken up state.

*                              *                                 *

A week after my visit to the doctor, I got an email from the unknown person.  It simply said:

It’s your fault he is dead.  Now you don’t have to worry about him messing with your head anymore.  It’s probably for the best.  Just know that I will hate you for as long as we are both on this Earth, for what you have done to me.

I replied with this:

Well, you can hate me, for as long as you like.  I will always have something to remind me of Josh.  I am having his child, and it isn’t my fault that he is dead.  It’s yours.  Your the one he was coming for.  Your the one that caused this.  If you had just kept your nose out of his life, he would still be alive today, and he would be here to help care for this life coming into the world, within the next 8 months or so.  You can rot in hell you lowsy Bitch!

I sent it, with tears in my eyes.

It wasn’t long after, that I got a knock on my door.  I looked through the peep hole, and my breath caught.  I opened the door slowly, wondering…what could have brought her here?

(More to come)

Breathe….it calms you down…

Sing if you want to..even if everyone is listening…

Laugh when you can…it overrules crying..

Don’t forget who you are, or where you came from…

Read the rest of this entry »