Dear You,

Sitting here tonight, I am thinking…thinking about me and thinking about you.  Thinking about the fact that we can be everything we always wanted to be, or nothing at all.  We walk through this life and we watch all of those around us either getting everything they want, or losing everything in the blink of an eye.  What do we do about it?  We turn away, we hide behind walls, we live for ourselves, instead of living for each other, and what should we be doing?  Stepping in, stepping up, shedding the masks and all the walls.  Will we do it?  No.  Why?  Because we fear.  Why do we fear?  Because we have been there, we have felt the burden of trying to be that person who helps, heals, loves, and lends.  Just to have the other walk away.  I should practice what I preach.  I should step up, and get the courage I need to do what needs to be done.  In my personal life, in my career, and in my love life.  Will I?  No.  Why? Fear.

See how it is a circle?  Never ending?  Really?  Who knows…I think it is never ending.  Life is proven to be a neverending circle of life.  We are created, we are born, we die, we are recreated, reborn, and so on and so forth.  If that is what your belief is.

Lately I question everything.  I question the thoughts I have….they betray me.  I question the feeling I have…they hurt me.  I question the motions that are made and the things that are said.  I wonder if I will ever learn???

This all goes back to my heart and my soul.  My soul is ready to be freed from this pain my heart endures.  My mind is ready to let go.  My heart will not.  It’s like fighting with yourself, and there is a brick wall holding you back.  I know it’s time…I feel it…it’s all slipping away slowly.  How do you stop it?  How do you just make it not happen anymore?  I tell myself lies…hoping I can fool myself into believing that I don’t love him.  I tell myself that it’s just not worth it.  It isn’t what you want.  It isn’t what you need.  It isn’t the right thing for you.  All I do….Is smile…because he does that to me…It’s sooo very frustrating.

I know what I could do…it would be disastrous for all involved…me, you, them….sometimes I wonder if it isn’t all worth the disaster….Sometimes…then what would I do?  Sit here…day in and day out and just be miserable?  Complain because of this…complain because of that…Hide in my little dark hole, and just disappear…

I can’t do that…not to me…not to you…not to them…not to anyone…I don’t think I can mentally pull myself to a place where I can do that.  I cannot be the destroyer…I cannot be the betrayer…I cannot be the dealer of pain, and anguish…

So, you are the one who needs to do this…Look in the mirror…see the hazel eyes…see the long reddish brown hair, and make the change.  You can do it.  Have faith in yourself….One step at a time!

Love,

Me (You)