Archive for June, 2009

Okay…so I am in a different state of mind…

It’s time..I need to go out and date some guys…I have been cooped up in my life a little to long, and need a refreshing change of pace.  Not just any guy will do though…I need to at least be able to look him in the eye…without having to look down…LOL  Looks aren’t overly important…but I need something decent to look at   I am thinking a nice car is a must though…No beaters please…unless it’s a classic work in progress…or a third gen..LMAO

So…let’s see what I can do to make some action happen…I guess getting out of the house would be a good start…right???

Hmmm….

I will check in with ya’ll later with a plan!!

My Mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands you shake and which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury, ready to roll
She knew that I had to go
And hangout, make lots of noise
And lay out, laid with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made for she knew all along

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

They say the first time won’t ever last
But that didn’t stop me. the first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
“Girl, don’t you lost your heart yet”
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on

’cause I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It’s our whole life down to one box There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

But I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Hangout, make lots of noise
And layout laid with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made, life is a runaway train

His dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper, Fire in his touch
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

My mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands to shake, which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

It happened…I got what I needed to hear.  Hopefully now…I can get to that point I need to, so that I can be the friend he needs me to be.

It was hard seeing it…the words…but it was sooo helpful.  I needed to see that…It confirms all that I thought, I just needed to know for certain.  We have been through a lot here the past 3 years or so…We have this friendship that is completely amazing!  I really hope now that I am completely aware of everything I need to be…that he can confide in me and share with me more.  I love our talks.. I want to be able to share my life with him as best friends should, and for him to share it with me.  It may take some getting used to…but I am ready.

Yes, I love you, but I want us to be the best of friends more than anything else.

I am not gonna lie…it hurts just a little…but…hey…I have so much more to look forward to…

Until then…..

Ever just feel like this…..I am soo ready for no reins..I wanna run free…unhindered…
She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, “Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me”
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin’ out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins

All she’s ever felt is held back
She says, “It’s kinda nice to hear myself laugh”
She’s gonna do a lot more of that
She’s makin’ plans and makin’ tracks
She said, “Oh, oh I gotta go and find me”
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin’ out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Oh, oh she’s learnin’ how to let go
Oh, oh whichever way the wind blows
Oh, oh she’s learnin’ how to let go

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin’ out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin’ out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins

Dear You,

Sitting here tonight, I am thinking…thinking about me and thinking about you.  Thinking about the fact that we can be everything we always wanted to be, or nothing at all.  We walk through this life and we watch all of those around us either getting everything they want, or losing everything in the blink of an eye.  What do we do about it?  We turn away, we hide behind walls, we live for ourselves, instead of living for each other, and what should we be doing?  Stepping in, stepping up, shedding the masks and all the walls.  Will we do it?  No.  Why?  Because we fear.  Why do we fear?  Because we have been there, we have felt the burden of trying to be that person who helps, heals, loves, and lends.  Just to have the other walk away.  I should practice what I preach.  I should step up, and get the courage I need to do what needs to be done.  In my personal life, in my career, and in my love life.  Will I?  No.  Why? Fear.

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Evening!!

I made the final acheivement tonight in WoW!  I earned the titel of the Flame Warden!    It felt good!  I did alot of it by myslef, but I did have some help from “my WoW fiance”, a guildmate, and my GM!  We took the flame of Silvermoon last night along with Undercity.  Then we took on Thunder Bluff!!  We kicked some hordie booty!!  It was Uber fantastic!!  I did get a shot while we were mounted up outside Silvermoon.

6297

Aren’t we just cute O.o

Well, needless to say, I had fun!  I have made some great friends, and I love my guild!!

Have fun!  Happy Gaming!!

What we hold in…is what we should really be saying?

I have a lot of things I don’t like to talk about, because I have a fear of hearing what I don’t want to hear.  So, I hold things in check, and I don’t say the things that may make it better or it could turn everything into a terrible mess.

People will ask me a question and I will avoid the answer…why?  Well, it either involves the person asking and I don’t want to start anything, or it is something that I am afraid of talking about..because it may just lead to my heart breaking more than it already is.  So…what do I do?

One of these days, I will just do it.  Then just suffer through all the repercussions…

I reiterate…Love sux sometimes…

The only good thing that I see right now about being in love…whenever I think of him..I smile…it makes people wonder what I am up too   When I think about him…I feel better…he is like a prescription for happy…I stole that from a card…LOL  It really is true though…he can make me happy with just a thought…

Well…before I throw myself into the frustration zone…I might as well head to bed…

Love you guys!!

I lay there in bed, looking up at the ceiling, my heart in my stomach as I thought about all the time after the river trip.  The way we were almost inseperable.  I turned over on my side, and his pillow lay on the other side of my bed.  The one we bought together for when he stayed over.  I reached over and pulled it close against my body, and I could still smell the faint scent of his cologne.  I closed my eyes, to hold back the tears.  It was so hard to lay there, and not have him with me.  The tears creeped between my lashes and rolled down to drop on his pillow.  I buried my face into that faint scent and cried.  I cried harder than I had in a long time.

*                                              *                                                    *

“Are you sure about this Jesse?”  He asked me, as I handed him the spare key to my apartment.

“Yes, Joshua, I am as sure about this, as I have been about anything.”  I smiled up at him.  “Besides it will save you in gas money.”

He took the keyring with my spare key on it, and started working it onto keyring that held the keys to the porche.

“So, let’s go get you a pillow, so that you have one to sleep on, while your here.”  I looked at him shyly, and he returned the smile tenfold.

We loaded up in the porche and ran up to that same Wal Mart we met at.  We walked through the aisles and wandered up and down them, playing with the toys in the toy aisle, and rummaging through the pillows.  He said he wanted the perfect one.  After several pillow tossing events, which reached the attention of a store associate, we found him a king size pillow, it was firm but soft.  We picked out a very manly shade of blue for his pillow case, and headed back to my apartment.

Josh and I had a strange relationship, to say the least.  We never had an intimate relationship in the 2 months after the river trip.  We kissed and held hands, but never beyond that.  It wasn’t because of me or him, it was because of us.  We wanted to keep things as simple as possible.  It was just easier that way.  He had stayed over at my place several times, even slept in my bed with me.  It was nice to have him there, just to cuddle with, that night after Wal Mart, it all changed.  We stepped beyond that line, and there was no turning back.  It almost became an addiction with us.  After a month, he almost never stayed at his place.  Two months later, is when I got the first email.  A week later, I got a typed letter in the mail.  A week after that, another email.  Two weeks later, this last email.

Six months after our first kiss at the river, I lay in my bed, alone and wondering who could hate me enough to send me these emails and letters.  I never told Josh.  I just told him I couldn’t see him anymore.  I was moving to fast.  It broke his heart.  I could see it in those blue eyes, and it wasn’t a look that would come from someone who used women.  It wasn’t a look that came from someone who didn’t care.  I hurt him, I could see it.

Here I lay, in this bed I made, his pillow in my arms and my tears on my face.

Should I talk to him about it?  Should I ask him about his exgirlfirends?  What should I do?  Where do I go?

I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about his arms around me, and the taste of his kiss on my lips, and the threatening email looming just behind all those wonderful sensations.

(more to come)

He came into my life, full of love and wonder.  He left my life, loved and wonderful.

When I first saw him, it was his eyes that gave it away.  The spirit, the playfulness, the energy, and the heart of a lion.  His orange and white fur drew me away from his eyes.  I picked him up, and held him close.  I said to the lady giving him away…”He’s a cute little squirt, ain’t he?”

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Howdy readers!!

So, my birthday is coming up next month, and I was asked by someone, “What do you want for your birthday?” Well, after doing some thinking, and it was really harder than I thought it would be, I came up with some things that I would love to have.

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