Is it just sad and pathetic, that a person can lay in bed and cry themselves to sleep over something that isn’t even their’s to cry about?  I really don’t understand it…I really don’t know that I care to.  I am way in over my head and way in over my heart…It freaking sux that I feel this way…

I lay here night after night, wondering and thinking…and I don’t know why I even bother with it.  I am in a crap place right now, at this very moment.  I just want to scream out and yell…I just want to leave it all behind me…and yet I don’t.  What is a person to do.  It’s clear…so clear that I am just not meant to be where I feel like I need to be, or where I want to be, I am not needed there or wanted there…and yet I sit back and just keep trying…like the fool that I am…

I should listen to all the things that are said to me, and the things that I read in between all the lines…I should pay attention to the things that I know will only show me the true path I should take…and yet I ignore it all.  I should just stop.  Is it really all that easy?  Can you just stop?  Can you just turn away?  Can you just say no….really?

I can’t…it’s not in my DNA to just walk away and say no.  I am a stubborn person…and the more you tell me I can’t do it…the more I will try…the harder I work…the more stubborn I get…  Unfortunately…when you have one rock trying to move another rock…all you get is gravel and friction…

You would think that I would learn from my mistakes, and learn the lessons and try to avoid making the same mistakes again…right?  Well, apparently not.  Here I am….sitting here…being all miserable and pouty over a stupid thing…and I was right here 20 years ago…and what did I learn then?  Where did that get me?  Why am I putting myself through all this mess all over again?  Maybe I am a glutton for punishment…maybe I just like the feeling of being completely and utterly miserable.  Maybe…all I really wanted…was the acknowledgement…the time…the place…the love….  Maybe all I wanted was….

What sucks is that deep down inside…I know.  It doesn’t make it better though…It doesn’t make it easier…it doesn’t make me want it any less….  It makes me want it a little more…maybe just a little.  So…what is a girl to do?  I lay here night after night…and my thoughts drift 800 miles away…and my heart pounds in my chest..and the tears roll from my eyes…what is a girl to do? 

I don’t think this particular therapy session is helping…LOL..I still feel miserable and I still feel like my world is crashing around me…and I still feel…I just feel…

On that note…I think I need to shut this thing down, I need to try and get a little rest…while I can.