Howdy ya’ll!

So, I had this crazy dream Friday night.  As you all know, I have someone in my life that I love.  He is amazing!  He just doesn’t realize how amazing he really is.  Sometimes, I sit back and review all my feelings, and I (and this sounds bad) try to find a reason not to love him.  You may ask…why?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know.  Maybe I am just concerned about my subconscious and what it’s trying to tell me.

So, this dream…

I am standing someplace…not really sure where the hell I am…LOL  I am walking around, and apparently I know where I am in my dream, cause I am just tooling along doing things, humming like I am the happiest person in the world.  Well, he walks in..and he has this angry or unhappy look on his face.  He calls my name, I say What?, and he says…marry me.  I said…NO!  He says why?  I say Because!

This makes me wonder…Is my subconscious talking to me…or is it the fear of the unknown…or is it the fear of the known?  So many things…and dreams can’t just be ‘interpreted’.  I have looked at dream dictionaries….and mine don’t fit in there anywhere…

So, what do I think about all this?  Not sure…  I mean yeah, I am not ready to be married again.  And yeah, I think about the kids..and what that would mean for them.  But, I think the main thing I think about…is getting hurt all over again.  Do I really want to step into the sanctum of Holy Matrimony…Honor, Obey…supposedly til Death do Us Part?  No offense to anyone…but I am so over the ’til death do us part’  That doesn’t happen… Oh heck…I opened up my own can of worms…hold on tight..

So, marriage vows and the unity of two hearts into one.  The circle of the ring..the symbol of never ending love..The vows that bind you together…  You walk into marriage, completely knowing that the person you are marrying, is supposed to be there for you and to support you through sickness and health, and yet… *sigh* they just decide to go off with friends while you sit there in the hospital wondering what the hell is wrong…the shove you off on your dad when you are laying there in agonizing pain…they run off to another state….leaving you to wonder…they break your trust…ruin your faith…drag you through hell…and people wonder why there is such a high divorce rate.  I just can’t understand what it is..that people can’t just love…  I love…I love hard, and I fall fast…It’s kinda stupid…But what’s so sad…is it’s hard to get the love back… To find someone who would love you as unselfishly as you love them back…so rare.  I have seen it lately…two of my best friends have found that kind of amazing love.  I am soo happy for them.

I guess I am just a little bitter about the whole ‘institution of marriage”… I had a great marriage for about 7 years…then things got crazy…and went downhill…that 7 year itch will kill a relationship…

So…I started off talking about a dream, and ended up ranting about marriage…how the hell do these things happen????

I guess I can just leave it in the right hands…I figure one day my path will take me where I am supposed to go..and whoever my soulmate is…will be there waiting for me.  Then maybe I can look at all the circumstances and all the vows, and symbols in a different light.

I aplogize in advance for all this craziness tonight…I can’t believe I went off on that wild tangent…

I love you guys and gals…

Good Night my friends…