Archive for April, 2009

Wow….It’s amazing how someone can just tell you how you felt.  Like they were there inside your head and heart!

How can someone just come out and say they know that it wasn’t love back then…that it was just for the ‘great sex’…  Honey, I don’t know what love is to you, but when I love, it isn’t because the sex was great…it isn’t because it was ‘convenient’.  In my case, it was because I actually loved you.  Key word there is LOVED!  Geez…I want to try and stay civil and be friends…you know this…and yet, you sit there and tell me how I felt.  All because you think that I love him more, than I ever loved you.  Well, so what!  Maybe I do…why does it matter?

I loved you then…I love him now…People change, we grow up, we grow out of the past loves, and into new loves.  Some people are lucky enough to actually love one person for all of their relationship and life together.  Some people are lucky enough to experience that love that just strikes them from above and nothing else matters.

I can’t say that it hurts me to hear you say that you didn’t think I loved you.  It angers me to hear it, because it makes it seem like that was what it was for you.  I spent 16 years of my life with you, completely and utterly devoted to making you as happy as I possibly could, and trying to make ends meet, and to keep the kids as happy as possible.  And you sit there and say that I was in it just for the great sex, when that’s what I think it was for you….

So, go ahead and believe what you will, and say what you will.  Only I know how I really felt, you weren’t there in my head, or in my heart…while I lay there night after night after you left, trying to figure out why my love failed on you…you weren’t there to watch me cry myself to sleep, and to curl myself into a ball, and wonder what SHE had that I didn’t.  You weren’t there while I slumped into the nether regions of hell.  Yeah…I didn’t love you at all…

Kitty

Evening all….

As the day has progressed, I have come into a case of the flumps .

I am not sure how I got here…just that I am here. I think it stems from my weekend dreams…when I actually had time to dream. This weekend was a very restless weekend. Friday night I crawled in bed and watched the Notebook, as mentioned previously, which in turn brings tears to my eyes…that movie never fails to make me cry. Well, of course that lead to those dreams that I didn’t want to have, but happened anyways. I haven’t had a dream about him in over a week. Well then I was up half the night, and couldn’t sleep in. Saturday/Sunday night I had a hard time sleeping as well. Again he was there in my dreams…not like before, it was like seeing him through a haze…never talking…never touching. I just knew that he was there. Last night, same thing, I was awake more often than not, and every time I woke up, my blankets were somewhere different, the only thing that stayed in place was the blanket he gave me.

Seems like I wandered into my flumps. Today seems to just be dragging by, and I look around and I don’t see what I want to see anymore. I see what is here. I am using some of my creative talents, but I am soo not happy with the end product. I guess as an artist, I am allowed to be my own critic as well? We are our own worst critics…. So, I am learning to accept the things that are said about things I do, and try to make an improvement. So, I have a learning curve to go through

So, here I am…thinking about him. Wondering what is going through his head. I am sure that he reads some of these things, and wonders why i am not on some sort of medication…LOL My blogs change like the seasons in fast forward. I amaze myself sometimes when I go back and read them. I wonder sometimes what was going through my mind to make me write this stuff, after I read it, a few weeks or months later. I guess it’s a good thing that I write some of this down. It acts like an outlet, it gives me the chance to release the pent up stuff.

I would probably explode if I had to just carry it all around inside. I think about some of the things that are said to me, and what gets me all worked up in a bad way, and then I multiply that times 100 because that seems to be the intensity that occurs, and yep you would have Kitty Volcano.

I guess I need to wrap this one up…Not that I want to, but I do kinda need to get some work done. I think that is another issue. I love my job…I really do..I just don’t like the schedule….Oh well, it pays the bills, most of the time…

Well, I am outta here for the time being. I will see ya’ll again shortly, I am sure. Don’t forget to check out my stories !!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

This song is a new fave of mine

I’m so addicted to
All the things you do
When you’re going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It’s not like anything
When you’re loving me

Or the sound you make with every breath
You take it’s not like anything
I’m so addicted to you
Addicted to you

Howdy ya’ll!

Well, I had a pretty good weekend…

Friday night I actually crawled in bed and watched a movie.  A movie I have seen before, but I love it!  One of my fave movies =)  I laid in bed and watched The Notebook.  This movie ALWAYS makes me cry.  It is such a perfect romance.  With love and loss, and finding love again…sigh….

Saturday I got up early and went and met up with a friend and washed the truck and made her all pretty, for the club meet.  Then we went to the meet, and got to see some really hot cars.  After that we went out to Firehouse Subs, and had dinner, then off to a friends house to get ready to go out.  We went to a Karaoke bar first, then ended up and a little hole in the wall place.  All in all it was a pretty fun evening.  Didn’t get home til very early this morning…I am exhausted.

Today we just hung out here at the house.  I am in the process of putting a video together for a friend on one of the forums.  Hope she likes it!

See ya’ll later!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

So, I was updating my Facebook page today, and thinking about Easter this weekend, and the fact that the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy still pay visits to the house.  My kids are 10 and 15, you would think that the 10yo would have outgrown all this business by now….but Nooooo…

Anyways, I digress.  I was thinking about all the silly little childhood things I used to think and believe in.

So…the EasterBunny, I believed in him up until the age of about 7 or 8.  He always dropped off an Easter basket full of goodies, and hid it someplace in the house.  Sometimes he would hide eggs in the yard too.  Then one morning I got up a little early, and well I saw the Easter Bunny.  So, occasionally the ‘Easter Bunny’ still brings me little gifts, but I know what they really are…Bribes!  LOL

While I was discussing the Easter Bunny with my mom this morning, I got to thinking about other things.  The tooth fairy was one, and well 4 leaf clovers and pots of gold was the other.  I know it’s strange…but you have to hear the story…

So, I was 5 and I was outside playing, and noticed a patch of clovers.  I don’t remember which uncle it was, but they told me, that if I found a four leaf clover and made a wish, that a tiny leprechaun would bring me a pot of gold.  So, for the next several hours, I laid out in the middle of the yard, looking for four leaf clovers.  This went on for days and days.  Same thing the next year when the clovers came in.  When I went to my aunt’s house, same thing.  Do you know that in all my searching….I never found one four leaf clover.  So, I gave up.  I occasionally when I get the whim, still look for a four leaf clover, but not for the pot of gold…just to say that I found one.  Wouldn’t you keep looking???

Well, I guess that is all for now, a look into my silly little mind about the silly little things that we all did as a child.  makes me wanna go lay in the grass with the kids and see if they can find a four leaf clover…..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I had a friend tell me the other day, that from reading my past blogs, it seems that I love someone else, more than I ever loved my ex.

This to me seems like a strange observance. Why? Well, for one, they can’t possibly know how I felt at any one point in time about my ex, or the current person I want in my life. No one can possibly know my feelings, they are mine.

That being said, I look back, and I try to go over the way I used to feel, and compare it to the way I feel now.

I have thought about it alot, and I have come to one conclusion, and whether you all want to hear it or not…here it is.

I do love him more, but not because I loved my ex less. It’s because of the way he makes me feel when I am around him, or when I talk to him. This is completely silly of me, and I may well regret this in the end, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do.

When I am around him, it’s like all my senses are on overload. Whether he is just smiling at me, or laughing at something stupid I did. To leaning over and looking over my shoulder, to even the slightest touch. It is different for me. I have never been around someone that makes me feel like this.

This is insane that I am justifying myself, because of what someone thinks. I think I need to do this for myself as well. Maybe it will help me to understand better what it is that I love about this man.

So, let us look at that for a moment..

What do I love about him:

1. He is an amazing person in general. Always wanting to help others where he can.

2. He makes me laugh, and can bring me up when I am down.

3. He has this aura about him, that just sings.

4. He isn’t afraid of anything, and makes you feel secure when you are around him.

5. He has a gentle hand and a warm heart, when he shows it.

6. He has brilliant blue eyes and a cute dimpled smile.

7. He has been there for me and lent a helping hand.

I could go on…really. But I won’t bore you.

So, do I love him more…yes.

But not because I loved my ex any less when we were together.

I can’t really justify the difference. I loved my ex in the past….and that is where that love will lay. I can’t say that I don’t have some little place in my heart that belongs to him. He was my first everything. So, he still has a place in my heart for that.

The man I want now…well he is in the part of my heart that my family and friends don’t occupy. Which is a pretty good chunk of it. If he only knew….

Well, friends, I think I am going to end it here for the moment. Maybe one day I will dwell here again…maybe with a bit more openness.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Thanks to my awesome designer/hoster/greatest person ever, you guys can now leave comments on my blogs!!

This is Uber exciting for me, because I love feedback!!

So…..Peeps feel free to let me know what you think..good….bad….or indifferent!!

Hope to hear from ya’ll soon!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Your letting him get to you. You held on to long. I was there once, I know how you feel. He roped me in the exact same way. The only thing I don’t understand…is why you? Your just a plain jane tomboy. Not usually his type. He loves the well bred sophisticated types, and you sure as hell don’t fit that. I mean for God’s sake you drive a truck! Oh well, maybe he knows that we are catching on to his wiley ways. Just remember what I said, and you will be fine….Don’t let him dig in to deep.

Sincerely, Me

I reread the email again. Damn that prissy know-it-all attitude. I am a plain jane tomboy! Whatever! I pushed myself away from the desk and turned away from the brightness of the monitor. How does she know so much about me? Not a whole lot of ‘High Class Sophisticated Girls’ around here.

I decided to hop in the shower, and let the hot water wash away all the dirtiness I was feeling. I let the water heat up, and then stepped in gingerly, is was a little hotter than I normally liked it. I washed my hair, and then my body. That is when the memory came back to me.

***

“Hey, so I decided to give you a call, we are headed down to the river on Saturday if you wanna come.” I said quietly into the phone.

“Jesse, so glad to hear from you. I would love to come down to the river, but I don’t think it’s the greatest place for the Porsche, though. Think I could just catch a ride with you?”

“Sure, I love to drive, and we can talk on the way. I usually leave here about 10, but I don’t know where you are, so we may need to leave early.”

Josh laughed, “Well, I am out near Weatherford. Hope that isn’t to far outta the way, I will cover the gas and drinks.”

“Ummm, nope shouldn’t be to far outta the way, Glenrose is South of you, we can just take the back roads. More fun for the truck.” I grinned as I thought about all the twisty roads, I thought about how fun it would be to drive his porsche on those roads. “So we will need to leave your place by 9, you okay with that? Also, make sure you have a good pair of old shoes to wear in the river that you don’t mind getting muddy and wet, and a sturdy pair of swim trunks.”

“No Problems Jessers. I will send you directions. Is this your cell number?”

“Yeah, just text ‘em to me, and I will see you Saturday about 8:30 or so.”

“Later”

“Later” I pressed the end button on my cell, and squealed excitedly. I called my Best Friend Shelly, and told her I was bringing a friend on Saturday. She squealed just as loudly. I told her all about last Saturday as I opened a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked Ice Cream. We talked for an hour, then I told her I would see her Saturday, and to make sure that her brothers mind their manners.

Saturday morning, I was up at 6am. Showered, hair up in a ballcap, my lime green bikini top with a white tank top over it, and my cut off’s with my ‘River’ shoes, a beat up pair of what used to be white, canvas tennies. I grabbed my ice chest, and tossed it in the back, and bungeed it to the toolbox, so it wouldn’t slide around, grabbed my tent and an overnight bag, just in case we stayed later than expected, and threw them in the toolbox.

It was 7:00 when I left my place, and 8:15 when I got to Josh’s place, I pulled up outside a beautiful two story brick house. I swear I could have fit three of my apartments in his downstairs area. The garage was massive from what I could see from the outside. He walked out to meet me, he had an overnight bag as well.

“Be Prepared, isn’t that the Boyscout motto?” He laughed as he threw his bag into the toolbox.

“Something like that.” I smiled at him.

We hopped into the truck, and we were off. We drove with just the music for a while, until he half turned and looked at me. I was trying to keep my focus on the road, but kept peaking over at him.

“So, where are you dragging me off to?”

I grinned, “Well, my Best Friend form highschool has some land out in Glenrose, with a good chunk of River on it and a great mudding hole that her brothers play in with their, ummm, toys. Sometimes we camp out all night, just depends on the weather.”

“Hmmm, so you do this every weekend?”

“Nope, just when we can, in the Summer we try for every weekend, but stuff comes up, so we don’t always get to. In the Fall, we go out and play in the leaves, and Spring it’s always raining, so we mud around and play on the four wheelers. It’s fun, and a getaway from the city life.” I looked both ways before crossing the railroad tracks.

“Sounds like you two are pretty close?”

“Yeah, she has been there for me, ever since I lost my parents in a car accident. They were on their way to my graduation party. A big rig came over into their lane, and they hit a bridge pillar at 70mph. The coroner said they didn’t suffer, they died on impact. I choose to believe that, for my own well being. After the funeral, Shelly, my best friend, and her family looked after me.”

“Wow, I am sorry for your loss. It’s great that you have such a close friend.”

We drove in silence for a bit. “So, what about you Josh, that’s an expensive house and car you got there.”

“Well, my dad is in the oil business in South Texas. I chose to live closer to where my mom was raised. He set me up. House, cars, whatever. He and Mom have been seperated for about three years now. She lives down the road in the family house.”

Again, the silence. After driving for about two hours, we finally reached Shelly’s turnoff for the ranch. We drove over the cattle-guard, and into the hilly countryside.

We drove about 5 miles, and on the horizon was a single story ranch house that was surrounded by dogs, and vehicles. There were two basset hounds baying as we pulled in, along with Black Labrador and a Golden Retriever. There in the driveway was a black Jeep Wrangler with the ‘Mudding Package’ on it. An 08 Chevy truck with a ‘Mudding Package’ on it, and two Ford Broncos.

The front door opened as I pulled in, and Shelly and her three brothers came running out the door. I stopped threw the truck in park, hopped out and was immediately pulled into a group hug.

“Josh, this is Shelly, Bobby, James, and Johnny. They will be our guide this weekend.” At that, the boys grabbed me and together hoisted me up in the air, and carried me toward the house.

“Mom has cookies waiting on you, little bit.” Johnny the youngest with chocolate brown eyes, and jet black hair hollered.

I laughed and told them I could walk just fine. Josh was trying to hide a laugh. Shelly walked over to him, patted him on the shoulder, and said, “Welcome to Heathenville, make yourself at home.”

The boys put me down at the porch, and the basset hounds Betsy and Bo came sidling up to me. I rubbed them both down as I wandered inside to grab a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie. Josh following along, like he belonged there.

(More to come)

Number 1

He walked up to me, put his strong arms around me, kissed me softly, and told me it was all going to be okay. I told him, I wasn’t sure if it really would be okay…He said, as long as you keep me in here, and pointed at my heart, I will be okay. Nothing can break me, when your not here. Kissed me softly one more time, then turned and walked away.

Number 2

What are we doing here? Why isn’t he here like he is supposed to be. I feel his presence, I don’t see him.

I feel a soft pressure on my shoulder, I turn and there he is, blue eyes shining. He walks across the room, and whispers that I can’t possibly feel the way I do. I look at him, and see a strange look come across those eyes, his frown deepens. I wonder aimlessly through a fog, searching for him.

Number 3

There he is…laughing. I watch from distance…he looks over his shoulder with a puzzled look. I smile deep inside, he can’t see me. I float away on a breeze….

Number 4

He shouts at me in a deep voice. Get over it, he says, and walks away. I stare after him. He turns, and sees the tears shining in my eyes. Comes back to me, and puts his arms around me, kisses the tears away. He says he is sorry, and doesn’t really want to hurt me, but it’s just better this way. I try to tell him…try…he just looks at me with those eyes…smiles softly. It’ll only hurt for a minute, then the pain will go away. I told him…it will hurt forever, and the pain will always be there. If he really wants it this way, then he can have it, but I would rather not. He hugs me gently, and tells me that I will be okay…he is just a memory…..

Number 5

I lay there giggling, his fingers running over my ribs, finding the little ticklish spots. I smile up at him, he smiles back. This is how it should have been, he says. Kissed me deeply….and the rest was history.

We lay there quietly, I can hear his breathing. I feel his heartbeat in his chest. His fingers play softly in my hair. This is how it could have been.

Number 6

I sit there on the floor, looking across the room at him on the other side. I can help you, you know that…I ask him. He says he knows that. We all would help. He nods. Why won’t you? He tells me that he has to many responsibilities to just up and go. But we miss you, and we love you, I respond with tears stinging my eyes. I know, he says. But there is nothing that I can do. It’s just isn’t meant to be.

There are boxes everywhere. I thought you had responsibilities…I ask. I do, this isn’t for that. This is for me. Not for you, not for them. I have to do this to move on, I have to do this…there is no other choice. The tears sting my eyes again.

I am running up a circular flight of stairs. I have to help him, I yell. No, you can’t she yells back, it isn’t your place, your not the one to do it. But I helped before, he needs to know I will be there. She yells back…Not this time…It’s not your time to help. I have to help him, I yell back…I love him! She tells me she knows….but it just isn’t the right time or place for it now. I run into a brick wall.

This is a glimpse into my dreams….they have been insane the past couple of weeks. I have alot of stuff on my mind…as you can tell. These are the ones I remember…there are others…others that caused me to wake in a cold sweat…I don’t remember them….I wish I could…

So…yeah…if that doesn’t make you think, I don’t know what will….

I can read them clearly, I don’t want to read them…most of them say the things I don’t want to hear… Maybe I need to look at them like someone looking in at them, instead of seeing them through my eyes.

It’s clear, my subconscious is telling me to give up. It’s just not that easy….

The core of my being wants it to be all hugs and kisses with a fairy tale ending where, I get the prince and live happily ever after. My mind sees the truth behind it all, and questions it.

Of course all girls believe in happily ever after, and all girls believe that when they find their love, it finds them right back. It’s not always that easy…sometimes the prince may not want to be in that fairy tale ending.

I am kinda freaking myself out right now…it’s weird. I am seeing more when I write it down, than when I saw it in my sleep. What do I do from here. Do I continue to wait? Do I continue to wonder? Do I try to suck it up and look to something else? I really don’t want to. I have had 3 guys over the past 6 weeks ask me out. I told them no…why…because I just don’t want to. I have no want of anyone else….

Funny how that happens…right?

Well, I am off to bed…Ya’ll have a good night.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Sigh

Laying here in bed…warm and cozy…all I am missing is the perfect person to be laying beside me…with less electronic stuff hanging out all over…I got laptop, and two cell phones….ugh…

I was asked the other day….maybe I shouldn’t go into it…maybe I should just leave it alone…

Hmmm

What the hell…won’t do any harm…

So, I had someone ask me. What do I look for in a guy and what do I want from a realtionship. Now…normally when someone asks me this, I am assuming they are wanting to know…because they are interested…not the case. We just happened to be discussing relationships..he is happily married, and we work together..I think he is trying to fix me up…LMAO.

So, I thought about this…

What am I looking for in a guy. There are a few main things, I guess. He has to be trustworthy and faithful. He has to accept me for who I am..as a whole…all my faults and imperfections included. He has to realize that if you love me…you love my kids…that is a package deal..LMAO. The smaller things…I love to laugh and play…so he needs to be playful and have a great sense of humor. I love to talk…so communication is actually a big thing. If we can’t communicate..then why bother…right? I think that having the same interest that I do would be a plus…we can’t be complete opposites…that would cause activities to be kinda strange..LOL…some sensitivity is good…but don’t be all frou frou…There is more…but they are small little things that are more of a perk than a want…

What do I want from a relationship? I think this is one of the hardest questions to answer. I was in a relationship for almost 17 years. So…I look at that…and I take the stuff that was positive and pull it into what I want to have. I take the negative and push it away so that I know that is something that can break up a relationship. So…let’s see…

I think the main thing that I want from a relationship is for it to be about all of us. Not just him..not just me..but everyone involved. So…having said that..I have to say…that I don’t want to be the one that sacrifices my all for him, and I don’t want him sacrificing his all for me. It should be like a team. We should go into a relationship together, share everything. From bills, to chores…to love. A relationship is a two way street. You both have to work together, to make everything work. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of finance. Don’t let just one person carry all the weight of keeping the house clean. Don’t let one person determine what happens in the bedroom. It should be a team effort. It should be a partnership…isn’t that what love is all about. Finding the one person who completes you? The cinnamon to your apple….the crust to your pie filling…the jelly to your peanut butter. Well, you get the idea…LOL

Besides team work in a relationship..I think there needs to be the understanding, that not everyone is perfect..even after lots of years together. I think there needs to be communication, without communication, a relationship will go nowhere…

I always thought to myself that if I thought about something hard enough that the person I was thinking about would just know what I wanted. Then I learned the real truth….you have to open your mouth and speak for the other person to know what’s going on. I wholeheartedly believe, that even if it’s something bad, and that you fear that you may lose that person over it…it’s best to talk it over and face the consequences, than to hold it in and hope they don’t find out. Communication can make or break a relationship, as I said earlier.

What else do I want from a relationship..just knowing that someone out there is thinking about me, and loving me…for who I am, and for all the wonderful things I can bring into his life. Knowing that when we need someone…we are there for each other. Knowing that we share the happiness that love can bring and all the joy it can bring. Knowing that when we close our eyes at night, we are not alone…our hearts beat together under the same moon.

What do I want from a relationship…Love, Faith, Happiness, and the ability to share it with the one I love…everyday of my life.

It’s not about him…It’s not about me…It’s about US!!

So…there is a glimpse into the part of my mind that carries my heart. When I love…I love. It doesn’t just turn off and on. It doesn’t just blow away in the wind. I WILL give my all to the one I love…I just want someone who will give back to me…

Hope you have a wonderful night…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty