Howdy ya’ll!!

Sitting here, working…Been a pretty lazy day all in all. I am working a ‘split’ shift this week, 5 hours at work then 3 hours at home. Not so bad, really, just I have to be up til 1am. So…ramblings from me is what ya get.

I don’t really know where to go with this one, my mind tells me to write, so I write. Sometimes it’s just to pass the time, sometimes it’s because I actually have stuff on my mind that I didn’t know was there before. You really never know with me

Shock and awe…got a little of that happening for me…not to detailed, just the whole not expecting it thing. Not anything to divulge…LMAO…don’t know why I brought it up…really now…

Missing friends…It sucks that I got so close to two people that moved away, makes me want to not get close to anyone anymore. I miss you guys and gals.

Finally to the point that I think I need to cry. I haven’t shed any tears since…. I feel like it would make it all worse if I cried. I feel weak, and I think that he would think that I am weak…why? Hell if I know. I always want to be nothing but strong for him, I don’t want to show my weak side, the faulty side, the stupid side. I want to be strong, and perfect and smart…not that it would matter…I am here, would he really know if I shed a few tears…not unless I told him…right? Or would he be able to hear it in my voice? It’s insane…I tell myself that I just need to give up…move on…I just can’t, and I have no reason to, there isn’t anyone out there that does what he does to me. It’s the most insane, and completely idiotic thing that can possibly happen to someone….but not in a bad way….

So…I sit there, and an image will flash through my mind….and my body will completely react. Just out of nowhere. I want to slap myself for letting it happen. I really wish I could just make it not happen…it can be kinda embarrassing too Someone asks what you’re thinking about, and all you do is blush 4 shades of red….They are like…Oh…

Driving down the road, and you think about that time when….and you want to slam your head into the steering wheel because your body is rebelling…UGH!! It’s not just thinking about the past. It happens in my dreams…that has to be the worst and best all at the same time. It’s sooo frustrating because it isn’t tangible…but soo good all the same…That may have been a little bit TMI…sorry…

Anyways…I am discovering that sometimes bad is good for you, and good is bad for you…but being good gets you nowhere, and being bad gets you nowhere but where you don’t want to be, but are willing to overstep the bounds of badness to get what you want. Did that make sense???? It did to me…so I guess that is all that really matters…Right???

So, here I sit, waiting for time to pass, which seems extremely slow over the past week or so…and I wait…What do I wait for? Well for time to make up it’s mind, and for my heart to stop controlling my emotions, and for my brain to start acting like it’s supposed to. Yeah…FAT CHANCE…LMAO…

Ya’ll have a good night..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty