Evening Friends….

Well, I sat in a training calss all day at work. This gave me little opportunity to think…which is a blessing. Then I drove home…and I got to thinking…which is a curse. I hate that my mind works the way it does. I see all the positive things that have happened…then I doubt myself and the things that seem to be good…I always seem to think I have done something wrong… I don’t know that I have or haven’t… I just let that nagging little voice in the back of my head tell me otherwise. It’s rather confusing, really… I think it stems to my lack of belief in myself, the fact that I think that I can’t be the person people want me to be. I try to make them happy, and I feel like I fail. I know that I can do it, I just don’t seem to get the feedback I need….and yes I said need. I need feedback on the things I do. I feel like if I had more positive things ‘given’, ‘thrown’, or said to me, I would be able to pull myself out of this low place I seem to be in.

I was in a good place last week. I want to go back…LOL… I had to push myself to come back. I left my best friend, again. I kept thinking that if I didn’t push myself home, I would turn around. I pushed my poor truck as hard as I could, and as fast as the cops would let me…. I can say that that was one of the hardest drives to make. I would do it all again…in a heartbeat. It’s funny ya know….I wanted to stay…but pushed myself to come home…I confused myself. I mentally told myself that I am better off here in Texas, this is where my life is. The only thing is…my heart isn’t here…Everyone knows it…It’s quite noticeable…I just wish I could convince my heart of the truth behind it all.

I can’t force myself to stop…

I can’t will myself to stop…

I know the real reasons behind it all…

I know that one day I will finally figure it all out in my head…and keep my heart out of it…

One day….I will know the truth of the matter and ignore the lies I tell myself…

I love the fact that I can do it….and love it…and it still be just what it is…It’s not really love…right? It’s just lust in the embodiment of love…Right? Is that why I walked away so easily this time? I only shed a few tears…I only said goodbye, I didn’t say I would miss him…just that I would talk to him later. Is that why? Is it really not love, and nothing but lust for that which I can’t have? Maybe that is why I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. Maybe that is why I smile instead of frown when I think about it all? Maybe that is why…when I look at a picture, I just smile and think about last week. Why I think about my goodbye…his goodbye…our goodbye…

Maybe it’s just that…lust…not love…

Maybe that is why I have this sinking feeling in my chest that pulls at me…

Yeah…I always over read it all…except this time…It was just what it was…nothing more…nothing less…right??? I doubt myself…I doubt the fact that I can sit here, and tell myself that I don’t love him with all of my heart and soul…. I know what it really is…I know what it really isn’t… I know!!

I sail on this sea…I raise my flag of surrender as the waves crash around me…and as the boat begins to sink…I wonder…will I be able to save myself??

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty