Archive for March, 2009

Howdy ya’ll!!

Sitting here, working…Been a pretty lazy day all in all. I am working a ‘split’ shift this week, 5 hours at work then 3 hours at home. Not so bad, really, just I have to be up til 1am. So…ramblings from me is what ya get.

I don’t really know where to go with this one, my mind tells me to write, so I write. Sometimes it’s just to pass the time, sometimes it’s because I actually have stuff on my mind that I didn’t know was there before. You really never know with me

Shock and awe…got a little of that happening for me…not to detailed, just the whole not expecting it thing. Not anything to divulge…LMAO…don’t know why I brought it up…really now…

Missing friends…It sucks that I got so close to two people that moved away, makes me want to not get close to anyone anymore. I miss you guys and gals.

Finally to the point that I think I need to cry. I haven’t shed any tears since…. I feel like it would make it all worse if I cried. I feel weak, and I think that he would think that I am weak…why? Hell if I know. I always want to be nothing but strong for him, I don’t want to show my weak side, the faulty side, the stupid side. I want to be strong, and perfect and smart…not that it would matter…I am here, would he really know if I shed a few tears…not unless I told him…right? Or would he be able to hear it in my voice? It’s insane…I tell myself that I just need to give up…move on…I just can’t, and I have no reason to, there isn’t anyone out there that does what he does to me. It’s the most insane, and completely idiotic thing that can possibly happen to someone….but not in a bad way….

So…I sit there, and an image will flash through my mind….and my body will completely react. Just out of nowhere. I want to slap myself for letting it happen. I really wish I could just make it not happen…it can be kinda embarrassing too Someone asks what you’re thinking about, and all you do is blush 4 shades of red….They are like…Oh…

Driving down the road, and you think about that time when….and you want to slam your head into the steering wheel because your body is rebelling…UGH!! It’s not just thinking about the past. It happens in my dreams…that has to be the worst and best all at the same time. It’s sooo frustrating because it isn’t tangible…but soo good all the same…That may have been a little bit TMI…sorry…

Anyways…I am discovering that sometimes bad is good for you, and good is bad for you…but being good gets you nowhere, and being bad gets you nowhere but where you don’t want to be, but are willing to overstep the bounds of badness to get what you want. Did that make sense???? It did to me…so I guess that is all that really matters…Right???

So, here I sit, waiting for time to pass, which seems extremely slow over the past week or so…and I wait…What do I wait for? Well for time to make up it’s mind, and for my heart to stop controlling my emotions, and for my brain to start acting like it’s supposed to. Yeah…FAT CHANCE…LMAO…

Ya’ll have a good night..

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

So, I stood there gawking at this handsome stranger. I thought my jaw was going to fall off if it dropped any lower.

“Well? Wanna go hang for a bit, your plans got cancelled, mine don’t seem so interesting anymore. We could go over to Steak and Shake, grab a burger, I will even buy.” Josh looked at me with those blue eyes, and flashed that smile.

I felt my knees quiver just a little, and a pink tinge came to my cheeks. I looked up and threw all caution to the wind. “Why the hell not? Let’s go! Bet I beatcha there!” I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and took off for the driver’s door. He stood there for a second, then it hit him.

“Your on!” I heard the door to the porche shut just as I started up the truck. Luckily there wasn’t a car in front of me, so I shot through the space in front, while he had to back out of his spot. I knew there was no way that my beat up 87 Chevy was gonna beat him there, but I needed something to distract my mind from the very real thoughts I was having.

He beat me to Stake N Shake by 30 seconds. That was because some slow person cut me off. I hopped outta the truck and giggled as I walked up to him, “I would have totally beat you here, if it hadn’t been for that stupid little Civic that cut me off.”

“I totally thought you had it!” Josh laughed as he held the door open to the restaurant. “I would have felt kinda stupid if you had beat me, I mean you ARE a Girl.” He laughed harder and ducked behind the door, as I glared and walked through.

We ordered burgers and shakes, and shared an order of onion rings. We talked about nothing. It was all in all, kinda fun. I didn’t learn anything spectacular about him, and didn’t tell him any more about me. We literally talked about nothing.

After we ate, and finished off our milkshakes, he walked me out to my truck, he looked me right in the eye, and then leaned in and kissed me softly. It felt like electricity was swimming through my veins. After the briefest second of shock, I kissed back.

We pulled away from each other hesitantly, he looked at me with those incredibly blue eyes, and I thought my knees were going to give out. “Thank you for letting me take you to dinner. I hope we can see each other again. Then handed me a napkin with his number on it, and said, give me a call someday, maybe we can do it again.” And walked away.

I stood there with the truck door open and my lips wet with his kiss. My heart racing and my knees weak. He drove away, slowly, it that screaming yellow porche, and my heart skipped a beat, as I wondered….would I ever get the nerve to call him?

***

I stormed around my apartment as I remembered the whole stupid ordeal!! Why did I let myself fall for it all. Why?? I finally resigned myself to sit down in front of my computer. I opened up my email, and there it was. An email from the one who started it all. Why do people have to just put themselves there, in that one place where you feel like you are safe? Why do they have to bring you the news that breaks open your safehaven and tears down all the walls you built up?

I looked at the from address in the eamil, and wondered if I should open it. There was already enough hurt they brought into my life. Do I want to bring more? I clicked the email, and began to read.

(more to come)

This link was shared with me. I thought I would share it with ya’ll.

This is truly one of those things that just speaks to a person, and the thought of it happening at just the right time, with the right person, is amazing to me. One day, it will happen…..

http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/03/30/the-blissful-art-of-being-and-breathing/

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

There is a quote that runs through my mind lately….

It’s from the book and movie Twilight. I don’t have the exact phrasing…but here is the gist of it.

“Your my type of Heroin.”

What does that mean? Well, it’s all about wanting something that could be really bad for you. But because of the fact that you have had it once, you want it again, and it can be anything. In this case it is a guy referring to a girl that he wants, and passionately.

But ‘your type of heroin’ could be anything…from chocolate, to sports, to cars….

I know this is out of left field..but I was thinking about it this morning…and it’s a fitting description to so many things….

Your my type of heroin…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Okay, so I have hit the cake point in my life again.

You may be asking yourself…Cake Point??? So, I used to blog on yet another site, other than Myspace I got to thinking about one of the analogies I used on that site. So, here is the previous blog…

”Okay, so have you ever wanted something so bad, you could taste it? Think about it….you are walking down the street, and there is a store on your left, and there in the window is the biggest most sinfully delicious looking piece of cake you could ever imagine. You go up to the door, and they are closed. It still sits there mocking you, it has this soft chocolaty frosting, and you know that if you were to taste it, it would be sooo sweet, and moist, and incredibly sinful. Yep…that’s exactly what I am talking about. Frustration….To want something that is completely out of your reach, and you know you don’t have a chance in hell at getting the one thing that would make it so much better. It sits there and stares at you mocking you…nanny nanny boo boo…you can’t have it. ARRGH!! Oh well..I guess I will just have to keep walking by that window, and thinking hmmm…will I ever get to try that piece of cake…or will I have to suffer through life not knowing if it tastes as sinfully good as it looks?”

So, having read that…I can let you continue.

Cake is good. I have had my cake, and enjoyed it immensely. Now I want more cake. This is the bad part. I have no more cake, and I can’t just whip it up and make more. This is the frustrating part. I DREAM about the cake, I can still taste it on my lips…I am like a woman obsessed. Yeah, I could go to any store, and just grab plain old cake, but I want that Chocolate Cake that was in the window, another slice would be fantabulous!!

So, if you notice me being a little frustrated, or a little out of my mind…that is why. I need cake….lots and lots of cake….

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Evening Friends….

Well, I sat in a training calss all day at work. This gave me little opportunity to think…which is a blessing. Then I drove home…and I got to thinking…which is a curse. I hate that my mind works the way it does. I see all the positive things that have happened…then I doubt myself and the things that seem to be good…I always seem to think I have done something wrong… I don’t know that I have or haven’t… I just let that nagging little voice in the back of my head tell me otherwise. It’s rather confusing, really… I think it stems to my lack of belief in myself, the fact that I think that I can’t be the person people want me to be. I try to make them happy, and I feel like I fail. I know that I can do it, I just don’t seem to get the feedback I need….and yes I said need. I need feedback on the things I do. I feel like if I had more positive things ‘given’, ‘thrown’, or said to me, I would be able to pull myself out of this low place I seem to be in.

I was in a good place last week. I want to go back…LOL… I had to push myself to come back. I left my best friend, again. I kept thinking that if I didn’t push myself home, I would turn around. I pushed my poor truck as hard as I could, and as fast as the cops would let me…. I can say that that was one of the hardest drives to make. I would do it all again…in a heartbeat. It’s funny ya know….I wanted to stay…but pushed myself to come home…I confused myself. I mentally told myself that I am better off here in Texas, this is where my life is. The only thing is…my heart isn’t here…Everyone knows it…It’s quite noticeable…I just wish I could convince my heart of the truth behind it all.

I can’t force myself to stop…

I can’t will myself to stop…

I know the real reasons behind it all…

I know that one day I will finally figure it all out in my head…and keep my heart out of it…

One day….I will know the truth of the matter and ignore the lies I tell myself…

I love the fact that I can do it….and love it…and it still be just what it is…It’s not really love…right? It’s just lust in the embodiment of love…Right? Is that why I walked away so easily this time? I only shed a few tears…I only said goodbye, I didn’t say I would miss him…just that I would talk to him later. Is that why? Is it really not love, and nothing but lust for that which I can’t have? Maybe that is why I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. Maybe that is why I smile instead of frown when I think about it all? Maybe that is why…when I look at a picture, I just smile and think about last week. Why I think about my goodbye…his goodbye…our goodbye…

Maybe it’s just that…lust…not love…

Maybe that is why I have this sinking feeling in my chest that pulls at me…

Yeah…I always over read it all…except this time…It was just what it was…nothing more…nothing less…right??? I doubt myself…I doubt the fact that I can sit here, and tell myself that I don’t love him with all of my heart and soul…. I know what it really is…I know what it really isn’t… I know!!

I sail on this sea…I raise my flag of surrender as the waves crash around me…and as the boat begins to sink…I wonder…will I be able to save myself??

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Dreams…

On the one hand you love to have them, because in dreams you can achieve things that you can’t in real life. Then there are those dreams that make you want the things you had before. They take hold, and well you can’t really just turn them away. You want to continue with that dream…..but it reaches a point that wakes you up, and you can never go back.

I love to dream…they are vivid and electric. I have VERY detailed dreams. I could almost feel it, they are that vivid. I can hear the sounds, taste the tastes, feel the touches, and smell all the wonderful smells.

My dreams this morning were to loud to sleep through. They made me want that which I can’t have, but have already had the pleasure of enjoying. It was a very frustrating dream….. It woke me up with a sigh of realization….

Oh well, we can’t help what we dream…it’s our subconscious showing us what we want…who can deny what they want…in dreams or reality…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Howdy!

I am home…I had a fabulous week in Georgia, and it couldn’t have ended any better. I had a great time…got to see new things, the kids had a blast, and I am thoroughly exhausted…but not the least bit sleepy. My left arm is sunburned from the drive home….It almost glows.

Sooo…let me sum it all up for you

The drive there last Saturday was wet and rainy…Sunday was drizzly as well, but we all loaded up and went to the mall there. We played the slot cars…checked out Bass Pro Shops, and Ezri tried to ‘shoot’ a little toy rifle at their ‘shooting’ range…that was funny

Monday was the aquarium and the world of Coke. They were both incredibly awesome!! The whale sharks and the beluga whales were incredible. The tunnel you walk through and the sharks and fish swim over you…that was awe inspiring, and sooo cool!! That was my favorite part . The World of Coke was pretty neat too…we got a free bottle of Coke after walking through the whole thing. Tuesday was the zoo. I got to see Pandas!!! That was to cool. We all had a really good time. The Fort Worth Zoo, is way better than the Atlanta Zoo, but it was still really neat-o!!

Wednesday was Andy’s birthday, so…we hung out at the house, then surprised Andy with a trip to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament. Andy loved it!! He was sooo excited. Ezri loved it too, she wants to go next year for her birthday.

Thursday was the Atlanta Historical Museum, that was fascinating. We got to tour the Tulley Smith Farm and the Swan House. It was really neat. I learned quite a bit about that era.

Friday was going to be our last day in Atlanta. We went to the Museum of Natural History. They had an awesome dinosaur exhibit. Then we went to Bahama Breeze for dinner. Then went back to the house, packed up everything, put the kids to bed, and watched a movie. It was a great night!! Wish it wouldn’t have ended……

So, I have to say that goodbye this time, was a little easier than last time. I still cried a little. I am still gonna miss the fire out of him and the girls. But, I get to talk to him, just about every day, so it’s not quite as hard. I figure it will take about 8 hours of me sitting here in front of my computer, to realize I can’t just look up and see him and the girls…and then it will hit me all over again, and the tears will come again. If not when I finally crawl into bed. It’s really amazing to me, that he affects me the way he does….. If you could read my mind….

Well, I guess I am going to call it a night here. Hope all is well in ya’lls world!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Well….It’s Thursday…one more night, then it will be time to go home…

Had a great day today…Went to the Atlanta History Center. Saw the Swan House…which was very nice…and the Tulley Smith Farm. It was a beautiful day, the sun felt gooed and the sky was a brilliant blue. Tomorrow it’s off to the Museum of Natural History. Should be fun…Then packl up and load up the truck, and then leave out early Saturday morning.

I will check in later…ya’ll have a good rest of the week!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Wonderful Wednesday to everyone!!

Kinda just sat around all day…did laundry…then took the son to Medieval Times for his birthday. Had a complete blast! Andy got knighted and Ezri got a green carnation from the our knight…The green knight! He ended up being the bad guy But that’s okay. It was a lot of fun and the food was great.

Been a fantastic week….and I am going to be sad to see it end on Saturday morning, but that’s okay…it’s off to home on Saturday morning, and to my nice comfy bed. My cat Buster has been missing me something fierce.

Well, I will be checking in later on in the week.

Ya’ll have a good one!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty