Archive for January, 2009

First of all…I screwed up the title…LMAO

Should be…No Idea where this might go…I wonder if that is a preemptive mistake…LOL

So…sitting here at work….Thinking…which is always dangerous. Lately it seems that the things that I want…keeping moving further and further out of my grasp. Things keep coming in and blocking the way. I am frustrated by this, and confused as well. I don’t know how to fully explain it….

Maybe this is a test? Maybe my will and strength are being tested? Maybe it is my patience being tested? I don’t really know… I have always hated tests. All through school, work, the doctor…never fails a test of any kind and I get all kinds of nervous, and butterflies, and chewing on my pinkie…..That is just about where I am these days. With all the insanity that has been swirling around me. From stress from work, to stress of dealing with stuff I realy shouldn’t have to…to the worry I have for loved ones. I try to help when and where I can. I try to carry myself through it all. I am exploring my renewed faith and trying to keep myself on that plateau. It is hard with all the things that have been thrown at me lately. Where do I turn to, I talk to God, and I pray, and I pray…sometimes though. I think I need someone physical to talk to and share with. I have someone like that, but she is moving away soon. Then what? I am kinda lost in this renewed faith and I feel like I am missing an integral part of something. Again, is this a test? I wish I knew….

I have all sorts of things that run through my mind on a daily basis. Most of the time, it is a thought that is brought on by something I hear, be it a song, a commercial, or even a coworker. My mind drifts off into a nether region of thought, anxiety, purpose, hope, dreams, and of course the bitter reality of things. That is a strange way to look at it, but sometimes…you can’t help but look at all aspects. I am a dreamer…I love my imagination and I use it alot. I have tons of dreams I want to come true, they vary from my kids going to a nice college and living a good life to being with the man I love. In between there are the dreams of winning the lottery, and owning my dream car, and going on that perfect vacation. In the end though, we have to face the reality. That is the part I don’t enjoy. I guess no one really enjoys it…right…LOL I have placed myself in a state of mind that one day my prince will come and my dreams will come true….It may be 20 years from now, and he will ride up in the car of my dreams and take me off into the sunset….but someday it will happen…..

So, again…I have no idea where this might go….Apparently I needed to talk about dreams and wants, and needs and faith and hope…and love…yep it’s in there…somewhere…I have come to accept that love is here…we all share it with everyone…and that sometimes it comes back in ways you never expected. Not everyone admits it….but they all share it…

I leave you tonight with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a tear in my eye.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I am bored…and upset. Why am I bored? Cuz I am sitting here at work and can’t do anything that I really wanna do. I hate my schedule and the kids hate it too. I have some personal things going on, that are more irritating than anything else. Irritation makes me cranky..which gets me upset. I am waiting for confirmations of dates, so that plans can be made, and not getting a whole lot of anywhere… There is more crankiness… So…where do I go…well I would normally go here…but that is becoming a problem as well…So…what now?

I guess I just bottle it all up…then someone will just push the wrong button one of these days and then “BAM” I lose my temper and the universe collapses…..

So…that is my rant for the day. Hope you enjoyed it!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Morning! Well, I am sitting here…supposed to be trying to sleep. Guess what? I got stuff on my brain, it’s not letting me sleep….

I have worries…I have hopes…I have wishes…I have stresses…I have love…I have dislike…. All of that all rolled up…keeps me up. It’s amazing how something so out of the reach of your touch and feel, and power can cause such stress and hope. Its odd…I have so much to be thankful for in my life, and so much to give…except for when someone needs it. I can’t give them what they really need to make things work. I would give them my all…everything they asked for…. I can’t though…It is sooo frustrating to me. All I can really do, is just offer to be there for them, mentally and emotionally. Physically is damn near impossible..and monetarily…well it’s a struggle for me…but if I had it..I would give it…. Is it strange to be that way with someone…and not know…. I guess maybe the fact that I hold those I love close to me, whether physically or not, enables me to want to be there for them…however I can….

It brings tears to my eyes when I can’t be there to help, when I am stuck and can’t do things to help relieve the pain and frustration and stress. I know how frustrating it is to want someone to just turn to, and just let them help….and them not be there. It’s quite frustrating….

Sometimes I think that I care outside of my abilities. Yeah…that makes no sense to me either….This is when I know that I am tired…I think at this point I am going to say good night…if I go any further I may short out my keyboard…….

Love, Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I give….

You may ask what that means…Well it’s many different levels…

I give up…

I don’t know what can possess a man to do the things they do! How can someone just ignore some of the important things in his life. It’s amazing that someone can say they share so much love with their kids…and completely blow them off, not even let them know he was here and in town and able to spend time with them. Really just kinda irritating to me…but it hurts the kids….

I give in…

I give in to all the positive things in life..I need more of them. I have been praying more and bringing God into my life more. I think this is one of the better things that I have done. It was one of my New Year’s resolutions to be more aware of God and all the things he can, has, and will do in my life.
I have a friend that has helped to bring him back into my life, and she didn’t force him on me, she didn’t preach to me about him…she just told me all the good things that have been happening to her over the past year or two. I recognize the things she is talking about, and slowly I have been bringing him back in.

I give to…

I give to you a keepsake…my words. To let you know that no matter what, my friends I am here for you. I love to talk and share my heart and soul with you guys and gals. I have given you a fair share of ups and downs over the past several months, and no doubt there will be more. It is a part of me. So, grow with me, share with me, love with me, and go through all the downtimes with me.

I give you….

I give you a hug. Everyone needs one….spread the love!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night. ~Author Unknown

We all worry…We don’t know why…We just do it.

We worry about those close to us….We worry about those that are far away.

Worry will consume you if you let it. I have gotten to the point that I just let it ride for a while..Eventually one worry will replace another and we will continue the cycle. What I don’t like to do, is let worry eat at me. That has been a bad thing in the past.

Why do I worry…because I care. I care about my mom, kids, and friends. The little things to the big things, and everything in between. Some I tend to worry more about than others….

So, if I ever just tell you I worry about you…look at it like I am saying I love you…they go hand in hand. I worry because I care and because I care, I worry.

Lots of love,

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Welcome 2009….

Come on in, make yourself at home. It’s been a pleasure 2008, but you are better left in the past.

So…I have a new schedule at work, and I love the people I work with in the evening. They are an interesting group

I have some of the greatest friends ever!! Some of them just don’t realize the extent of their greatness!! I love how I have people I can turn to, and cry with, and just be me. I love that I have people that share the same wants and desires. I love that I have someone I can talk to that understands and keeps me level headed.

I love that I have someone that I can think about and make my day happy with just a thought. I have smiled more lately, I have been singing more lately, I am just incredibly happy. You know what….it’s not at all what you think. He is the greatest friend, I can talk to Him and tell Him anything, and He doesn’t judge me. He listens as I talk to him, anytime…day…night…I have even woke myself up talking to Him. I have found my faith again. I didn’t have to go to church to find it. I didn’t have to have it pushed at me. I just opened my eyes, and He was there, arms open and waiting for me to come back.

I have another friend in my life, that I don’t know what I would do without, and he is pretty amazing to. Love ya!! He listens too, but he tells me what I need to hear…not what I want to hear. He has always been honest with me. He tells it like it is, and I need that in my life.

So, here I am, a new person, with a new lease on life. A will to make things better and the power of faith to do it. I can do this. No matter what.

I love ya, and with you and my faith, all things are possible.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Happy Almost New Year!! Well 2008 is leaving quietly and 2009 is coming in quietly. I am ready for 2008 to be over. It was filled with many trials and tribulations and all kinds of new feelings and desires. I learned that it is quit easy to fall in love again, and even if you fight the feeling, there really is no stopping it. I learned that saying goodbye is way hard. I also learned that freindship is lost and gained in one fail swoop. That sometimes your friends are the one thing that keep you together and whole in those times that are hard. I learned that sometimes the best thing for you is to seperate yourself from the things that hurt the most.

I am teaching myself that if you can believe it, you can achieve it. It is a long road, but one worth walking. A friend of mine told me that positive thinking brings positive results. I am going into this new year with a positive outlook, and some people and things may try to bring that down, but I can control what happens. Life is just that…life, the gift to walk this world and do what you can to achieve a greater happiness.

I am learning to believe again, to have faith, to trust in Him. He will show me the path that I need to take and I will walk it with the purpose of knowing that whatever is thrown at me, He will guide me to what is right and meant for me.

So, I have brought this into the New Year. I hope that you all have good health, great love and fortune. May you find the one thing that makes you whole and cling to it. May you always smile and be positive and let Life and Love guide you in the directions they may lead you. I send many blessings your way and hope that your 2009 is a wonderful and exciting experience!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty