I have been in a crazy place the past few days. I have all these thoughts going through my head that make me want to scream. I can’t get it out of my system! I realize as everyday passes…I am waiting for Never….I am waiting for nothing. What the hell is a person supposed to do? I can sit here right now and spill my heart and soul down on this page…and get nowhere. Isn’t that such a comforting thought?????

I am being uberly flumpy right now. I am in my own little pity party heaven. Poor me…blah blah blah…and well blah! Yeah…ya’ll are getting an eyeful tonight…sorry!

So…I told myself that this was a marked week for me. I am going to take a step this week, and try to move in a direction to where I can be comfortable with my emotions and my self being…YEAH RIGHT!!! I have been completely f***ing miserable. I feel like my best friend took my dog to live on the farm and left me to live in a box on the side of the road on a cold day in hell.

Why can something make someone so miserable…when it’s supposed to be exciting and fun and happy!! UGH…I really need to get past this…but in a way…I don’t want to. I don’t know how to explain it. I am stubborn…that’s for damn sure. I just know that I have to balance myself. I used to think that all I wanted was to just live for me and my family, and not deal with all the ins and outs of love and all it’s crap. Then all I do is sit here and think about what life might be like, with someone special beside me…telling me that it’s glorious to wake up next to me, and share all the ups and downs that life throws at us and pass right through it all like nothing. Because everything is easier with two. Then again…there is the crazy part…the possible hurt and pain, and we have all had enough of that. So…why do we want to put ourselves through it? Because love is a wonderful thing. And when two people are in love…it’s miraculous and wonderful…and puppies and kittens…and blah blah blah….

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be one of those insensitive heartless bitches? Why do I have to be all senstive and caring and full of joy, hope and love…even in those hopeless situations!! UGH!!

I guess it is just the way I am. I love my friends and family. I happen to love a man…that well is my best friend, and a best friend I don’t think I could stand to lose. I keep telling myself that. And that that is the reason we are the way we are. Because we are such great and wonderful friends. He is someone I want in my life. He is someone I want in my world. If we are just friends…then we are just friends…now…if I could just convince my heart…that’s the way it should be…then we will be okay.

Again…I apologize for all this flumpy ass craziness your eyes had to deal with.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty