I sat there, and looked around me. I saw them all, all walks of life, ages, race. All there for the same reason. I wish I could have known their stories. What lead them to this point. Were they like me?

They were in age from probably 20 to 60, they were tall, short, had pink streaked hair, to bald. They were beautiful to homely. They were smart, and some were questionable. Some laughed about it. Some just sat there, some were obviously nervous, others paced, read, listened to music. Still, I wondered, what got them to this point.

This was one of those times, I wanted to be able to get inside of someones head. To step in and see…are they here because their situation is like mine? Is it because of adultery, abuse, abandonment….I wanted to reach out and just share with them. But, like me, they just sat there and waited for the huge oak doors to open and to start the second part of their journey. We all walked into the courtroom and awaited the phrase that for some, set us free…for others began a new torment. You could see it on each of their faces as they walked up and stood before the judge. Fear, joy, hope, abandoned, hopeless, and justified. We all walked in with one purpose, and walked out with a new mindset.

I left there the same person I walked in. In my mind it had been over for years. This was just the climax of it all. The finality of it all. The beginning of what? A life of just me and the kids. Do I want to step back into being a wife? Do I just want to lay in bed with the one I love with no legal paper bindings, which makes it easier? What do we do now? Where do we go? What makes our lives complete now? What makes us go?

For me, It’s my kids. I live for them. That’s all I can do. I have someone that I love, but nothing will become of it. I have my family that I need to focus on. I have my friends that help me. I have my dreams to walk through at night. I have my half broken heart to keep me from being foolish and stepping into the netherworld of relationships. I don’t want just anyone. I just want. I think that I have come out of this a little worse for wear, and a tad cynical. I will recover, albeit slowly. I hate the feeling of hurt, and he hurt me. I recovered from it, and he keeps wallowing in it, wanting to make it all better, and I don’t want to step into that again, ever.

So, yeah, apparently I needed to write this. I have alot of emotion that is pent up, and I can’t get it out. One day, I will be able to share with the world how I truly feel, and not be told that it’s not what I really feel. For years, that is all I was told. Nope, that isn’t what your really feeling. Nope your not in love, your just hurting. No, you don’t really want to take him back do you? Yes, that is what I was really feeling. Yes I am in love. And, Yes, at the time I did what him back.

Feelings….all they are….all they will be….all they can be….just feelings. People can try to tell you how you feel…they will never be right. You and only you, know how you feel. Don’t let someone try to lead you down a path that isn’t true to you.

On that note.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty