Archive for October, 2008

Warning! I don’t know where this may go.

So, here I am. Sitting here at work, I have been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back, and wondering and even wandering through my thoughts. I find myself in the same place each time. I find myself looking at the same things over and over.

It’s strange how you tell yourself you are going to change the way you think about someone, and yet….can’t. I tell myself everyday, I am not going to think about him, and I fall asleep thinking about him, and then I wake up thinking about him. I have found that because of this, it dampens my want to go out with other guys. I know it sounds stupid, but I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel like a fish out of water lately.

I want some change in my life, I know that. I don’t know what, but I need something, I guess a divorce wasn’t change enough. Nothing really changed there though. We have been seperated for almost three years when the divorce was final on the 17th. So, the only change is it’s actually legit. I keep telling myself I want to cut my hair, that is just a cop out. I really need something different, something inspiring in my life. Where do I turn, who do I turn to? I need some change. I apparenlty can’t do it myself…LMAO…

I know this has been kinda random and out there a little. I haven’t really been blogging much or writing. I seem to take flack for it sometimes and I don’t know why people read these, and then gripe. I do it, you know I do it, and yet you read it anyways, and get all pissy about what you read. Oh well, this is my therapy, and I won’t stop so, you are just going to have to deal with what you read.

Okay, well, I think I am going to stop there. I have a bad habit of getting up on my high horse and ranting, when I shouldn’t.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I sat there, and looked around me. I saw them all, all walks of life, ages, race. All there for the same reason. I wish I could have known their stories. What lead them to this point. Were they like me?

They were in age from probably 20 to 60, they were tall, short, had pink streaked hair, to bald. They were beautiful to homely. They were smart, and some were questionable. Some laughed about it. Some just sat there, some were obviously nervous, others paced, read, listened to music. Still, I wondered, what got them to this point.

This was one of those times, I wanted to be able to get inside of someones head. To step in and see…are they here because their situation is like mine? Is it because of adultery, abuse, abandonment….I wanted to reach out and just share with them. But, like me, they just sat there and waited for the huge oak doors to open and to start the second part of their journey. We all walked into the courtroom and awaited the phrase that for some, set us free…for others began a new torment. You could see it on each of their faces as they walked up and stood before the judge. Fear, joy, hope, abandoned, hopeless, and justified. We all walked in with one purpose, and walked out with a new mindset.

I left there the same person I walked in. In my mind it had been over for years. This was just the climax of it all. The finality of it all. The beginning of what? A life of just me and the kids. Do I want to step back into being a wife? Do I just want to lay in bed with the one I love with no legal paper bindings, which makes it easier? What do we do now? Where do we go? What makes our lives complete now? What makes us go?

For me, It’s my kids. I live for them. That’s all I can do. I have someone that I love, but nothing will become of it. I have my family that I need to focus on. I have my friends that help me. I have my dreams to walk through at night. I have my half broken heart to keep me from being foolish and stepping into the netherworld of relationships. I don’t want just anyone. I just want. I think that I have come out of this a little worse for wear, and a tad cynical. I will recover, albeit slowly. I hate the feeling of hurt, and he hurt me. I recovered from it, and he keeps wallowing in it, wanting to make it all better, and I don’t want to step into that again, ever.

So, yeah, apparently I needed to write this. I have alot of emotion that is pent up, and I can’t get it out. One day, I will be able to share with the world how I truly feel, and not be told that it’s not what I really feel. For years, that is all I was told. Nope, that isn’t what your really feeling. Nope your not in love, your just hurting. No, you don’t really want to take him back do you? Yes, that is what I was really feeling. Yes I am in love. And, Yes, at the time I did what him back.

Feelings….all they are….all they will be….all they can be….just feelings. People can try to tell you how you feel…they will never be right. You and only you, know how you feel. Don’t let someone try to lead you down a path that isn’t true to you.

On that note.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Wow…

It seems like it’s been in the making for years….It’s here tomorrow. I have some anticipation, some sadness, some serious happiness, and some regret.

Strange mixture of emotions…I know. Let’s see….

Anticipation — Well that is just from the fact…that it’s been 3 years. We separated in November of 05. Here it is October 08 and we are finally getting the divorce finalized.

Sadness and Regret — they kinda go hand in hand. I spent 18 of my 35 years with one man. Yeah the last 3 have been separated from him, but we were still together on paper. What do you do after 18 years? Guys look at you like your an alien because you have kids and haven’t been on a real date in 18 years…LOL I regret not being able to be woman enough to stop the interactions that he had….it could have made all the difference in the world.

Happiness — I am just ready for it to be done. I have gone through a lot the last 9 years or so. From dealing with someone in another country that was the apple of his eye…to just trying to cope with my feelings, my emotions and his mental and emotional betrayal. I tell myself that I won’t walk into a situation like that again. But how do you really know?

We walked into each others lives in the cafeteria of our High School, bonded at the back of a skating rink, and became one in an apartment in front of our family in January of 93. We grew to 3 in March of 94 and to 4 in April of 99. Now tomorrow I take that 4 and bring it down to 3. It’s going to be odd. It is for the best. We went our separate ways years ago, and never fully came back to us. We are better off friends than a couple. We talk easier now. We laugh easier now. We are more open with each other now. He is was my friend in high school before we went on this adventure, and he is my friend now at the end of it.

So, tomorrow, I move into a new chapter. I begin a life of me and my kids.

Thank you for everything.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Baby you’re a wrecking ball

Crashing into me

Nothing I can do but fall

Piece by piece

You broke down every part of me

That ever thought I’d never need you, baby

It’s twisted, messed up

And the more I think about it

It’s crazy, but so what

I may never understand it

I’m caught up and I’m hanging on

I’m gonna love you even if it’s wrong

Everybody’s telling me

I’m over my head

If they don’t feel you loving me

They all say that I’ve gone crazy

Maybe, but it’s too late now to save me

I’m too tangled

It’s twisted, messed up

And the more I think about it

It’s crazy, but so what

I may never understand it

I’m caught up and I’m hanging on

I’m gonna love you even if it’s wrong

Even if it’s twisted

Maybe it’s not right

But that’s all right

Yeah, it’s all right tonight

It’s twisted, messed up

And the more I think about it

It’s crazy, but so what

I may never understand it

It’s twisted, messed up

And the more I think about it

It’s crazy, but so what

I may never understand it

I’m caught up and I’m hanging on

I’m gonna love you even if it’s wrong

Even if it’s twisted

Even if it’s just a little bit, just a little bit, just a little twisted

Yeah

It’s twisted

Yeah

Lately this is the way I feel. Great song by Carrie Underwood…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

I woke up before my alarm went off. I lay there on the couch listening to the silence around me. I watched the second hand tick by slowly on the clock above the fireplace. My heart seemed to beat in time with it. I finally got up and walked to the door of my room, where I stood, hands clasped in front of me. I stepped caustiously into the room, and got the clothes that I would need for the day. I grabbed a pair of tan capris, a white polo and my brown flip flops. I took my shower, and put on my makeup and fixed my brown hair up into a simple pony tail.

I arrived at the address on the letter as scheduled. I pulled up in front of a huge colonial style house. The windows on the front looked larger than life itself. It was a beautiful home, with a rose garden to the left side of the house. I stepped out of my car, and walked up the stone pathway to the door. I was about to knock, when the door opened, and a small child was there in a little blue dress with the blondest hair I had ever seen. Her brown eyes were the color of milk chocolate. She reached out her hand, and said, “You must be Miss Callie. My Daddy is expecting you, let me take you to his office.” She promptly took my hand and lead me through an open foyer, then to the left, down a hallway with wood floors. We came to an oak door with a lion’s head engraved in the door. She knocked once, then opened the door. It opened onto a large office, with Oak furniture everywhere you looked. The desk, the shelves, and the high backed chairs. It was quite intimidating. Behind the desk, sat a man in his late forties, red hair and blue eyes, the young girl must favor her mother. He stood as we entered.

“Thank you Katalina, I appreciate all your help.” He reached over and patted her on the head. Katalina bopped out of the room, throwing a wave over her shoulder. He looked over at me then. “Callie, you are as beautiful as ever. I am Kegan, an associate of your parents.” He reached his hand out to shake hers. She took his hand, it was soft and smooth, not a callous on them.

“Thank you sir. I am not really sure why I am here. I thought that the will had already been taken care of.” He motioned her to a chair.

“Well, Callie, the will of your parents has been taken care of. The Will of the House, is quite another matter.” Callie looked at him a bit puzzled.

“The will of the house, I don’t understand what you mean.” She shook her head and looked at him inquiringly.

“Let me begin by telling you that the house you live in, is not just any house. It is a house built of patience and love. That alone makes it special. That is where the,” and he put his fingers up and made a quoting gesture, “‘will’ of the house comes in.”

He sat down behind the desk, and pulled a book out from a drawer. It was brown and tattered, and looked as if it could fall apart at any moment. He set it on the desk with a loud thump, and opened it to the front page. There written in blue ink was an entry dated August 12, 1978:

“This house is our house. It is in the soul possession of Candice Martin, Christopher Martin, and the soon to be Callie Martin. This house was built with blood, sweat and tears. Every ounce of love that we could muster was put into every nail, piece of wood, wiring, shingle, sheet rock, and tile. With the writing of this vow, we do hereby decree that only the blood of our own should live under the roof and within the walls of this house. Our children’s children will keep it strong, and standing, until the end of time.”

I looked up from reading the page. I smiled at Kegan. “Sir, I believe that they spelled sole wrong. When speaking of a possession it should be spelled s-o-l-e not s-o-u-l.” He looked up at me and shook his head.

“No, my dear, I believe it is spelled quite correctly. The house you live in was built from the blood, sweat, tears and soul that your parents put into it. That is why your room set itself aright last night. It doesn’t want harm to come to any part of it. That is why we must talk. Callie, you have a lot to absorb. Maybe you would like to have something to drink?”

I sat in the high backed oak chair and looked at the man in front of me in awe. What in the nine levels of hell was he talking about?

(to be continued)

It is supposed to heal the pain

It is supposed to stop in that special moment

It is supposed to pass slowly on boring days

It is supposed to pass fast when you are having fun

Time

It is everywhere, it cannot physically be stopped, it cannot physically go faster, and it always seems to slow down when you want it not to. It can’t be reversed or turned back, whatever has happened in the past is just that….the past. Why is it so hard to move forward when all the time you look back at what might have been.

I look back at the past, I see all the fun times, all the hard times, all the crazy times, and I also see the painful times. They are all milestones in our life of time. We live this world, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. I am sure we wish we could all go back to one moment in time, make it stand still and enjoy every breath. Whether it was a first kiss, the birth of a child, or that special time with a friend. Whatever it is….we just move on from it, not realizing how cherished it should have been.

I leave you tonight with lyrics. They are Sugarland ‘Keep You’ and they speak volumes. I feel like this these days, and I can’t control it, I want it to stop. I am told to take a break….what type of break do you take from the one thing that keeps you going. I don’t know…here ya go, enjoy the words….

We said goodbye. Tried her hand at magic.

But we couldn’t make us disappear.

Not a day goes by I don’t wish I had you.

So run away, I’m glad you’re still here.

It’s a bitter sweet victory.

Lovin’ the ghost in front of me.

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry.

And I can’t run, can’t hide.

What do I gotta do?

What do I gotta do to keep you?

What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.

One in love, one in anger.

They’re lying there dying in the dresser drawer.

Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.

He loved me until I loved you even more.

It’s a bitter sweet victory.

Lovin’ someone else who wanted me.

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry.

And I can’t run, can’t hide.

You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting

Till you can’t feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn’t hear it.

As if your words were my tears.

Flowing freely, warm and quiet.

From the edges of my eyes and my ears.

Then all that disappears.

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry.

And I can’t run, can’t hide.

Now I can’t laugh, can’t cry.

And I can’t run, can’t hide.

What do I gotta do?

What do I gotta do to keep you?

What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

This is one of my favorite new Sugarland songs. It’s called ‘Come on get higher’

I miss the sound of your voice

I miss the rush of your skin

I miss the still of the silence

As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water

If I could tell you what’s next

Make you believe

Make you forget

So come on get higher

Loosen my lips

Faith and desire

And the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice

The loudest thing in my head

And I ache to remember

All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water

If I could tell you what’s next

Make you believe

Make you forget

I miss the sound of your voice

I taste the sparks on your tongue

I see angels and devils and God when you come on

Hold on…

Sing sha la la la

Sing sha la la la

Because everything works love

Because everything works in your arms

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Fall is in the Air!! Yay!! I love Fall. The cooler weather, the turning of the leaves. It’s glorius!! I love wearing my baggy sweatshirts and hoodies!! Jeans and Sweat pants…being lazy on a nice Autumn day and jsut reading under a tree…

So, let’s make this Fall a good one, and make it memorable!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty