Archive for September, 2008

I sit here in the dark considering what it will take to start a new life. My name is Callie. That isn’t short for anything, it’s just Callie. I have lived in the same place for the last thirty or so years. A white house with a white picket fence and blue shutters on the windows. It was the house my mom and dad built when they got married. It is one story, has three bedrooms, a formal dining area, a living room, and huge kitchen and three full baths. You would think they built it to house an army. It was just me and them though. Up until a few years ago, then it became just me.

So, let me tell you a little about me. I am thirty years old; I have no kids, never been married, and have no desire for either. I grew up an only child. My life was full of all the things I could have ever wanted. My parents weren’t rich, but they were well taken care of. They tried to give me everything I wanted. I wanted to grow up and live a life of solitude, on an island in the Pacific, away from this dumpy little town in Texas. Mom and Dad said that wasn’t an option, I needed to go to college, and make something of myself. So, I went, and I majored in nothing, and minored in everything. They finally got frustrated at putting money into school, and told me I could come back home to stay until I figured out what I wanted out of life. Again, I told them, a life of solitude on a quiet little Pacific island. Still, they said that they would prefer that I wait. Why? I would ask. They said it was in my best interest. So, as life went on around me, I got a job at the local restaurant when I was twenty. It was my first job, and I loved it! I was the hostess, the manager said I had the eyes for it. I always wondered what my eyes had to do with being hostess, but I guess he knew what he was talking about. I worked four nights a week and they were mainly the end of the week. On my days off, I would read the latest novel and just be lazy. I never spent a lot of time with my parents from the time I was about twenty up to the time that they died. They wanted me around, but were never around themselves. I always found it odd, I guess it explains a lot later.

After working at the restaurant for eight months, the manager said he needed someone to run the night shift, and wanted to know if I thought I could handle it. I was already doing most of it now. I accepted it, and worked almost seven days a week for the next year. I opened up a savings account, and called it my Pacific account. It was eventually going to get me out of this rat hole town.

I had a pretty good amount in my savings after that year. I also got promoted to district night manager. It was amazing, I was doing so well. I bought my first car, and was actually looking at an apartment closer to work, and that’s when things started happening. Mom got sick first. It started with a cough, and then the cough got worse, which lead to pneumonia. She was in and out of the hospital for the next year. The doctors tried everything and couldn’t find anything to make it go away. Dad came down with it next and after trying to juggle a full time job and caring for my parents, I had to give up the job I loved so much. They were both sick for the next year and a half or so.

On my twenty fifth birthday, I woke up, and the house was still and quiet. There was no smell of fresh coffee brewing like normal. No news on the television in the living room. It was deathly quiet. I rolled out of bed, and put my bare feet on the wood floor, and threw a robe over my nightgown, and walked through the house. It was still, to still. I knocked on my parent’s door. No answer. I could hear the small beep of their alarm through the door. I knocked again, and then turned the handle.

They were both lying on the bed. Eyes closed. It looked like they were sleeping. The only problem was that they were white, to white. Their chests did not rise and fall with the breath, that should have been there. I stood there. I expected them to reach over and turn the alarm off. I don’t know how long I stood there, finally I went to the bedside table, and turned the beep of the alarm off, and picked up the phone, and dialed 9-1-1.

The paramedics arrived rather quickly. They pronounced them dead at the scene, and called in the coroner. Tom came out, and told me, that he would be as gentle as possible with them. I left the house while they removed the bodies. I came back a few hours later, and started taking care of all the arrangements. I got in touch with family and friends, and arranged the funeral, and the viewing. My parents were well prepared, they had a life insurance policy set up, and had already bought side by side plots in the cemetery around the corner. I buried them a few days later. The funeral seemed to go on forever. I went back to the little white house, and there was an envelope taped to the door, with my name carefully handwritten in blue ink. I pulled it off, and carried it inside with all of the other correspondence out of the mailbox. Tossed it all on the counter in the kitchen, and walked into my room for the last twenty five years of my life, and looked around. It hadn’t changed much. Something in the back of my mind clicked. I went over to my wall, and starting ripping all the pictures, and cards, and dried flowers off and throwing them across the room to the little garbage can. I ran my arm along the dresser top where little glass figurines of unicorns and teddy bears crashed to the wood floor. Tears sprang up in my green eyes. I ran my hand through my brown hair. I walked over to my bed, grabbed my white Chanel blanket, and a pillow, and walked into the spare bedroom, lay down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up several hours later. My head felt like there were tiny little men with big hammers banging on my skull. I crawled out of the full size bed, and walked down the hall past the closed door of my parent’s room, and into the rest of the house. I grabbed some ibuprofen out of the cabinet in the kitchen and walked to my room to clean up the crazy mess I had made earlier. I walked through the doorway, and had to stop.

Everything was back in place. My figurines were on the dresser, still in one piece. All of the stuff I threw in the garbage, was back on the walls. I stood there, trying to absorb the information my brain was trying to process. I know what I did. I still had a cut on my foot from stepping in the glass on the floor. I stood there, stock still.

A knock on the door, scared me out of my thoughts. Who would be knocking this late. I went to the front door, and opened it. There on the door, was another envelope, with my name on it, in the same blue ink.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter inside:

Dearest Callie,

I am writing to you today, because your parents have passed on from this world and into their next life. I need to talk with you about their will. I know that you are an only child, but there are things that need to be told. Some of them are about the care and upkeep of the house. Please be at my office by 10:00 a.m. in the morning. The address is listed below.

Sincerely,

K

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight. I grabbed my blanket from the spare room and went to sleep on the couch, and set my phone alarm to wake me up at 8:00 a.m. It was time some questions got answered. One of them being my room. I know what I did. There was no explanation for any of it. None.

(to be continued)

Good Evening Readers!!

So, my weekend has been pretty good. I did nothing Friday night and Saturday I went and sat at a skating rink for 3 hours, then I went to dinner with friends. I had a lot of fun and my waiter reminded me of Harry Potter. Had some great cheesecake and a really good daquiri. I did end up talking about something that kinda made me contemplate the dating scene all together.

I just don’t know why I even want to bother. Its like guys only want the ‘pretty’ girls…the girly girls…I am tired of guys always looking at a girl and if she isn’t skinny, and georgeous with big boobs…they look away. There is so much more to girls than that. Why don’t they take the time to look at the inside? Maybe I am just being overly sensitive…IDK…

I really am just kinda thinking to much on what was said to me last night and not enough about what wasn’t. I think I am going to just leave it here for the moment…I might delve back into this on a later date.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Okay peeps…I have written a 10 part story, it is sporadic and needs to be filled in…I feel like it’s completely incomplete, but I don’t have the desire to fill in the blank spaces…just yet. I do want to write some more…only thing is, I don’t know what…exactly. I usually write what I know. Write now I know love, and anger, joy and pain. What kind of story would that be? Just your typical harlequinn romance…LOL I want to do something different. My creative side is wanting to flourish and sho itself…either through my writing or my photography…and I can’t seem to grasp either in my hands.

So, my question is…do I write…or do I fill in what is there? Most of you who read this know how to contact me…just shoot me a message!

Hugs and Kisses, ya’ll!!

Kitty

I watched as the storm grew out at sea. It had been a year since Lucas had died in the horrible ferry accident. I had found myself and moved on, and back home to the sea, I missed it to much. The dreams I had were just that…..dreams. I saw him in my dreams all the time, so it was almost like he had never even left. The first several months were the hardest. His family was around for the first few months, always calling and checking on me. That stopped though, there were no grandchildren, so no real reason for them to hang onto me. My family was still quite supportive, always coming in and seeing me, especially since the breakdown.

I had been living in the cabin for about six months when it happened. I started seeing things. I thought that Lucas had come to me. He told me he had been abducted. I laugh it off now. They, meaning my family, thought it best that I move back home, I refused, of course. Well, then it happened, I freaked out. Mom said I was telling her that I was locked in, and could not get out, so she drove up, and discovered I had nailed all the doors and windows shut, I put boards over everything, screaming that they were watching me, and that they were coming for me. She finally had it. Called the police, and I ended up in a psychiatric ward for about 3 months. The doctor’s name was Marcus and he had eyes very similar to Lucas’, at first I would call him Lucas, and he would have to correct me. Little slap on the wrist and a shot of feel good, and well, I eventually got better. I don’t remember a lot about my time there. Mom said they kept me pretty much ‘high’ the time I was there, till about the last two weeks of my stay. That is when the dreaming subsided, for a while. I still have the dreams, sometimes they are good…other times they are pretty scary. I don’t tell my psychiatrist about the bad ones; otherwise they may admit me again. So, I just take my medicine and go on about my day, as normal. Occasionally, I still get an email or some small something in the mail. I still know they watch. I still know they are there. But they don’t bother me any more….they just check on me, and keep me dreaming.

It’s hard to live in a Dreamer’s reality, when they control the factors. The Dreamer’s are special people, they make you want the things you can’t have, and give you all the things you need. Then one day, they take it all away, and send you back to life, confused and hurting. Leaving a heavy mark and an empty burden on your shoulders. You constantly want to be one of them, so that you can make dreams come true….but they only allow a select few to join their ranks. Lucas is a lucky man, he got to move on into their world, and leave this dull life behind. It’s a whole new thing for me to sleep at night. I truly hope for Sweet Dreams and pleasant nightmares…then I know they are with me, and I am not alone.

The End

Wow….been a roller coaster in here

So…yeah my feelings, emotions, mentalness and well everything has been all over the place for a while now. I am really going to try and get it under control and temper it a little. I have been trying some self therapy…LOL…yeah…that’s helping So, I think I need to start here.

So, we all know that we have emotions. We can try as hard as we can and still have no control over them, right? Right! So, I am telling myself that I need to smile through it all. When I get into a situation where I think I may get angry or upset, I am going to tell myself to smile. When I feel like crying, I am going to smile. So…I am reaching out to you, my readers… In the future…if you see me with a mad or angry or hurt look on my face…tell me to smile.. I think I need more positivity in my life, and I need to bring it! It is time I turned myself around.

See, if I am positive with things, then positive things will happen! At least I think that…LOL.. So…I should be smiling more from now on…I should be more positive from now on…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Good Evening

What the hell is wrong with me lately? I am having a hard time focusing. I am having a hard time being patient. I am just having a hard time…I am so not wanting to be a people person. I am in a totally unsociable mood. I don’t know why..I am usually an avid talker and doer. I usually want to be in the middle of everything. I am all messed up inside…that is all I can figure.

I can’t get myself back to me….Does that make sense? I just don’t know anymore, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing. I used to know…. Not anymore…I am lost…still…

Well, I think I will stop now. I need to…if not I will just give it all up, and I can’t do that…not right now….

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Hey all…It’s Saturday…what did I do Friday? Nodadamnthing. I watched two episodes of Trueblood which is a good show. Watched Grease…Love that movie. Sat around…took some pics..which are in the gallery. Other than that…not much.

I did do some thinking. Scary huh? I thought about what I am doing in my life. I have no clue anymore. I feel all discombobulated. I have so much that I want out of my life, and all I am doing is spinning my wheels. I want some change…but the change I want, may not be what is best for me. It’s like life is playing roulette with me…and I can’t decide which color to bet on. Betting on the safe color is the best choice…right? What if I want to take a leap…What if I want to just throw it all out there, and take the risk of betting it all. I could end up in a really bad place. I could end up in a place I don’t want to be…in the end. Would it be worth it all? Would it be worth betting everything I have to put it all on the line and lose? I don’t know. I have never done that before. I have always played it safe. Always….that is why I wonder where this recklessness is coming from. Is it from the broken heart, the broken mind, the injured soul? Or is it just the fact that I would go to the ends of the earth…just to be there? I want so much, and yet not enough…

I have needs and wants and desires…I have a heart that is not fully here. I have emotions that are very unchecked at the moment. The slightest thing will set me off, and send me into an emotional spiral…why? Because I am not all here…I am here, and there. I am where he isn’t and he is where I want to be. Sucks to be a woman…we are emotional creatures. I would give anything to be an uncaring bitch. Unfortunately, I am not.

Well…this was truly one of my midnight ramblings. I wish that I could convey my messages more clearly, but I can’t. I have to protect the innocent, and keep it all where it should be.

Ya’ll have a good morning. See ya on the flip side!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

Vegitate.

That means sit and do nothing, or only the things you want to do.

Why am I talking about it?

Well, tomorrow, that is what I plan on doing. I plan on getting the kids up for school, shooing them off to school…then just sitting down and either watching Grease and Grease 2, or just reading. I may get on the computer and play a game or two…I don’t know yet. I need to do some thinking. I have some things that have been brought forward in the past couple of weeks, that need to be rethought about.

Choices, decisions, judgements, everything. I never regret anything that I do. If I made a choice, then I was lead to make that choice, it is part of whatever path I am walking down. Sometimes though, we make a choice and wonder later, why were we taken to that place and that time, and make that choice. What good does it do us in the long run. I mean think about it. You walk into a restaurant. You have a choice for a soup of the day. Chicken noodle or Chicken and Vegetable. You are lead to make a choice. Either choice can be the right choice, why do you choose one over the other? Both chicken, both soup. Some chicken noodle has veggies and some chicken and vegetable have noodles. Why choose one over the other? Because we are lead by what is in out hearts as to what would be the best choice for us. Our minds agree and our bodies react. Therefore, out path is laid down before us. Right? We inadvertantly choose what path we take, even though….sometimes it is already chosen for us. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does.

Yeah, you all are probably soooo confused right now…LOL. Well, anyways…back on topic, that happens alot around here. I am off tomorrow. I am going to do nothing I don’t have to do. I may even go back to bed after the kids leave. Who knows!!

Until we meet again!!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

The mountain cabin was all around me. I was laying in bed. How the hell did I get to my bed? I looked at the clock on the bedside table. It said 6:00 a.m., that couldn’t be possible. I was already here at 6:00 a.m. today. I checked the date on the clock again. It was the same. I got up, and wandered into the kitchen to make my hot tea. Buster came running from the bathroom, meowing at me. He rubbed against my legs, and purred loudly. I went through my normal morning routine. I took a shower; towel dried my hair, drank my tea, fed Buster, and went to get my keys off the hook to lock the front door.

Where did they go? They weren’t on the wall hook!! I know I leave them there every night. Where are they? My heart starts to beat harder against my ribs. Someone is here with me….they are watching me. They know I know. I reach into the drawer beside the kitchen sink, and grab a butcher knife. I hold it in my right hand. I take a step out of the kitchen to the right into the hallway that runs between my bathroom and bedroom. I was just in the bathroom, so I know there is no one there. I look at my bedroom. The only place anyone could be is the closet. I step lightly, making my way to the closet door. It is shut tight, as always. No light on. I place my hand on the doorknob, and slowly turn in the handle. I threw the door open and screamed. There was nothing there. Just a wall. My closet wasn’t there. I placed my hand on the brick, and it was cool to the touch and very solid. It was real. I ran through the house to the front door. I pushed down on the handle, and opened the door. A wall…brick just like the other.

I ran my hands through my hair. “Think Sam…Think!!” I paced from the front door to the bathroom and back. Something caught my eye. I walked over to the window. I had never had a view of the lake from that side of the cabin, why now? I went to move the curtain back, and my hand ran across smooth glass, it was an illusion, a damn good one too. I started to scream. I started to bang on the walls. I started to throw whatever wasn’t held down. Then I heard this noise, like nails on a chalkboard. I covered my ears, and started screaming louder to try and drown it out. The louder I screamed the louder the noise got. I started getting hoarse, and then I started getting dizzy. I fell to my knees. I started to cry. Sobs racked my body. “Why? Why!! I didn’t do it!! I never did it!! Why are you doing this to me? It was them, I keep telling you that!! Why? Just let me go back to my home….Please….”

Darkness overcame me…as I fell once again into a deep slumber.

The alarm on my bedside table went off. I sat up, looking around confused. I looked at the time. It was 6:00 a.m. Buster was laying on my passenger side pillow, and looked at me with those beautiful eyes. I switched on the light and he blinked at me. I walked downstairs into the kitchen; the view of the ocean was quite spectacular from this spot. It looked as though we might have a storm brewing out at sea.

(To be continued)

I discovered something tonight.

I discovered that all I am doing…is trying to fill a void. A hole…a place where a piece of my heart used to be. I search the faces, the eyes, the body language, and look for someon open to me. Why? Because, I want to fill the hole in my chest. I look to someone I think can just pacify me, because I don’t want to be heartbroken anymore. I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I sit here and tell myself, that if I could find someone to just cling to, I wouldn’t love him so much. I could move forward…instead of stay where I am. Yet, I go out there…and I try to meet people…and I put myself out there…and it blows up in my face.

I hate being in love right now. I hate it that he doesn’t feel the same…it’s like I am walking in circles.

Well, I have to say I started this blog as one part of me….I am finishing it, as another.

I walked through a door. I opened it, and walked right on in. Took every bit of the balls I didn’t have to not turn around and run for the hills. I opened up. Not like blog open, but like heart on the table open…wow…

I am glad I did.

One day I will learn that sometimes placing your self on a table and opening your heart up…is a good thing…even if it’s bad. So, now that I have skipped all over the damned place…there ya go!! Make of it what you will…

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty