It took me a few days to finally absorb all the news. My family came into town, I don’t remember who called them. Your family flew in as well, I don’t know how anyone knew. The flowers started pouring in from your coworkers, roses, carnations, daises. The house was a virtual botanic garden. I started to feel claustrophobic, like the walls were caving in. I couldn’t breathe, I felt as if I were falling down a deep well. What happened?

Your mom came to me. She told me I was the daughter she never had, and that she wanted me to continue to be in her life. Your father just seemed to glare at me, I couldn’t understand why….What happened? I wanted to just crawl under a rock, I wanted you to hold me, and tell me it would all be okay. But you wouldn’t, you couldn’t….Never again. You were lost to me in the sea. They recovered your car, the window was busted out, they never found you. What happened? I kept hoping you were going to walk through that door at any moment, hold me close and tell me you swam to shore, and someone found you and rushed you to a hospital, and you tried to call……..I just kept hoping. What happened?

The memorial service was a week later. We buried an empty coffin. I wanted so bad to just tell everyone that this was stupid. That it wasn’t true. I could feel the strands of my mind breaking. I could feel my soul splitting. I could feel none of the pain, and all of the hurt. What happened?

I went back to our house on the sea, I walked through the door into our living room. The wine glasses and dinner had been put away. The broken window repaired. It had shattered so easily when I threw the vase. I walked around in the emptiness, felt the loneliness, heard my heartbeat, felt the coldness seep into my skin. I was truly alone. The family had left, I don’t remember when. How long had I been gone? The flowers were all gone. I walked to the back door. The sea was alive today, the waves were high and foamy. They crashed on the beach with a ferocity. The sea seemed angry to me. Could it be because the ferry driver was drunk when he crashed. Could it be because the same ferry that you were on, hadn’t been inspected before departing. Could it be because my soul mate was gone and now part of the sea. Were you angry and telling me? Oh, how I wish you were here with me now!! We could walk along the beach, and feel the wet sand in our toes. Watch the moon rise, and try to tame the angry sea. Instead I stand here on this porch, looking out across the sea, hoping with all my heart that you will come back to me….

I lived once….I lived in a two story home on the beach, with the man I loved. I lost that man to the sea, the sea I loved to look at and listen to. It made me angry and bitter. It made me not want to be in that house. That is why I did what I did. The firemen said they couldn’t believe the heat of the fire. The house was a complete loss. I confessed to doing it. Everyone said no…it had to be an accident. I didn’t tell them any differently. I watched as our house burned to the ground. Our memories went up in smoke. The fire Marshall declared it an accident, and the insurance covered it. Even though I told them all…it was me. I decided that was a sign, a sign from you. I moved far away from the sea. I moved into the mountains into a log cabin. It has three rooms. Living room, Kitchen, and a bedroom with a small bathroom. It is high in the mountains, on the tallest peak I could safely build on. As close to heaven as I could get. When I die, I want it to be a short trip to come to you. I know you will be there waiting. I lived once. I live again. If only for a short while.

(to be continued)