Archive for August, 2008

Sitting here, I got a letter in the mail today. It’s from my lawyer. My date has been set. October 17th, 2008. My divorce will be finalized. I am happy about this, and yet a little disturbed by it too. Yeah…that just came out of my mouth. See, I still car for my ex, and we are friends still. It makes me question what I might have done differently. Why did he leave me, was I a bad person? Did I do so much wrong, that he didn’t want to be with me. I worked, took care of the kids, gave him what he wanted, when he wanted it. Yet, I still wasn’t what he needed. I heard a song, just a few minutes ago. Kelli Picklers ‘Didn’t you know how much I loved you’, it prompted this mess of a blog.

So, I am not in love with him anymore. After all the craziness I have been through over the past 8 or so years I could never be in love with him again. I think it is more that I gave and gave, and what did I get in return? Heartache….Loss of my innocence….Loss of the one thing I thought would be forever….15 years of my life was devoted to this man, and he rubbed it off like water off his skin. I think that is what hurts the most, he left me, because she was coming into town and he wanted to see her. He wanted to be with her. Then when it didn’t happen, he thought he could just come back to me….No…I got tired of it, I deserve better. But it still makes it weird, that I am signing away almost 16 years of marriage on the 17th of October.

So this song brought this on.

I remember the way you made love to me

Like I was all you’d ever need

Did you change your mind

Well I didn’t change mine

Now here I am trying to make sense of it all

We were best friends now we don’t even talk

You broke my heart

Ripped my world apart

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

I can’t get you out of my head

I still feel you in this bed

Left me all alone

You couldn’t be more gone

From falling apart to fighting mad

From wanting you back to not giving a damn

I’ve felt it all

I’ve been to the wall

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you

And I’ll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

Didn’t you know how much I loved you

Didn’t you know how much I loved you, baby

I gave you everything, every part of me

Didn’t you feel it when I touched you

Didn’t I rock you when I loved you, baby

Baby, tell me

I gave you everything, every part of me

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

The atmosphere inside the log cabin deepened. A wall of tension seemed to encircle us. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck raise, I could feel the goose bumps run down my arms, and I could almost feel the beat of Lucas’ heart. He seemed distant and lost in thought, even though he looked me straight in the eye, and began his story.

“I pulled the Mercedes over to the side of the road, behind a blue Volvo that had it’s emergency flashers on. You know how helpful I always try to be Sam, and this was no different. I stepped out of the Mercedes, and I could almost feel a change in the air. The presence seemed to hover around me, I can’t really explain it, almost an ominous cloud of sorts. I walked up to the passenger side door, and took a look inside. There was a man in the driver’s seat, just sitting there. He saw me through the window and began to get out of the car. He greeted me nonchalantly, and nodded his head at me. I asked him if he needed any help. He said he did, and made his way around the car to my side, where he put his hand out for me to shake. That’s when it happened, the world tilted, I felt like everything was spinning, and then blackness.

When I came to, I was in a white room, nothing but a metal chair in the middle of the room. The walls were seamless, nothing but darkness above me, it’s like there wasn’t a ceiling. I woke up on the padded floor. My head felt like it had a ton of bricks in it. My tongue felt like sandpaper, and my throat felt like desert sand. I lay there for a minute, and then realized that I wasn’t in my clothes, that I was in a pair of white cotton pants, kinds like sweats. Sam, you have to believe me in this, I know you think I am off my rocker and lying to you, but I am not. Please just hang in there.” Lucas looked at me with pleading eyes. I had apparently started looking at him like he was wearing bright pink feathered pajamas and had four heads. I tucked my doubting side away, and tried to put on my ‘i believe you’ face, so that he could continue. Then, I thought about his description of the room he was in. I shot up off the couch, and brought my hand up to my forehead and ran it through my hair. It was Lucas’ turn to look at me strange.

My dream from last night. The clear room, with the endless ceiling and the chair. This couldn’t be just a coincidence. I looked at Lucas again, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. Only syllables coming out, not able to form words.

(to be continued)

Sitting across from me is the man I have thought dead for the past year. I thought he was fish food in the bay of our hometown, the ferry he rode daily from the mainland to the island was in an accident. Most of the cars aboard slid off into the ocean, everyone still inside them. His Mercedes had been on that ferry, he had been in that car. How the hell was he sitting across from me now?

He must have thought I looked like a fish the way my mouth kept opening and closing. I could only make sporadic syllables, no full words. My heart couldn’t seem to keep pace with my breathing. Tears filled my green eyes again.

“Samantha, honey, look at me. I need you to focus.” He gently placed his hand on my cheek, and turned me to face him fully. “Babe, I need you to breathe in slowly, come on Sweetie, listen to my voice, breathe. That’s it. In through the nose and out through your mouth. There you go.” His voice at first seemed far off. Then it became clearer, I began to listen and do what he suggested. I started slowing my breathing, in through my nose…out through my mouth. My eyes began to focus, and I actually looked at all of him. His dark hair, those sky blue eyes, and his lips, oh how I missed those lips.

“Lucas, it really is you. But how? Why? What?” Then I reached up and slapped him. The anger rushed in. All the hurt, pain, anguish, the months of crying, the house I lost, and my sanity. I brought my hands to my mouth, when I realized what I had done. Horrified with myself, I got up off the couch, and walked into the kitchen. I started making myself busy around the kitchen, cleaning up imaginary dirt. Wiping off the spotless counters. Lucas came into the kitchen, hesitantly. He reached for me, and I pulled away. He backed up and leaned against the counter opposite me. “Sam, let me tell you the story. Can you give me that chance?” his tone soft, his eyes pleading, he asked me.

I looked at those eyes, so bright, so full of happiness and wonder. My heart gave in. It always gave into him when he looked at me like that. “Lucas, all I have to say, is that this had better be a damn good story, and it had better make a whole hell of a lot of sense, or I may bury you in the empty grave back home.”

Lucas looked me in the eye, took my hand, and led me back to the couch. He grabbed two sodas from the fridge, and then came to sit beside me. “Well it all started one night in July. I was on my way home from work and I saw a car on the side of the road. Being the good citizen that I am, I stopped to help out. Well this guy stepped out, and changed my life forever.”

(to be continued)

The shower was refreshingly hot, it awakened the sleepy parts of my mind and body. I stepped gingerly onto the cold grey tile of the bathroom floor and toweled myself off. Wrapping my hair up in a towel and another around my body, I wander back into the kitchen to grab another cup of hot tea. Sipping it slowly so I wouldn’t scald my tongue, I thought about the dreams I had been having lately. They were really beautiful in color and I could almost feel the textures. I could hear the sounds. It was almost as if I were there, in person. I just have never been to any of these places or seen them anywhere. So vibrant and wonderful, and yet so intense and almost scary.

I set my empty cup in the sink, and went to get dressed for work. After throwing myself into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes, the bathroom was my next stop to run a brush through my wet hair, and then headed for the door. I grabbed my purse and keys off the counter, I opened the door, and there you were. Standing there, looking at me with those sky blue eyes. I stopped dead in my tracks, this wasn’t possible! You were gone, out of my life for over a year now. How? They said there was no way, you wouldn’t have made it alive. The rain, the waves, the sharks in the area…..

You smiled at me. I felt as though my blood ran cold. I got light headed, my pulse quickened. I had to be dreaming. You just stood there, and stared at me. “Well, aren’t you going to say hello?” The words seemed to hit me like bricks. I sat down right there in the doorway, Buster skitzed, and ran for the bedroom.

“Am I dreaming again? This can’t be real, we had a funeral, they said you would never had made it to shore, not against the currents and the sharks that were drawn to the scene…” The words rushed from my mouth, then my breathing began to speed up, and then I started to cry.

He took my hands, pulled me from the floor, and into a tight embrace. He held me as I sobbed. He walked me over to the couch, and had me sit down.

“I want to tell you everything, but first you need to calm down, call work, tell them you won’t be in. Then we will sit here and have a talk.” He looked at me with those sky blue eyes, and I immediately began to calm down. My sobbing slowed. I grabbed the cell phone out of my pocket and called the boss. Told her that I wasn’t feeling well, and would not be in.

I turned my complete attention to the man beside me on the couch. The man I thought had died a year ago in a ferry crash a lifetime away from where I am now. I had finally gotten past it all. Here it was again to haunt me…this time it wasn’t a dream.

(to be continued)

I sat straight up in bed, the sweat pouring off me. My black satin sheets were tangled around my legs, my leopard print comforter was on the floor. My eyes adjusted slowly to the darkness. What had I been dreaming about? I just remember feeling a cold sensation and then a pain in my side. Was I running? How did my covers get everywhere?

I untangle my legs and slide out of the right side of my king-size bed, gather up my comforter and try to straighten my bed out. I take a moment to see what time it is…3 a.m. Wow, I got about 2 hours of sleep this time. I really need to stop doing this. I turn on my bedside table lamp, and walk across the hall to the bathroom.

After I wash my hands, I go grab a glass of water, my cat twines himself around my legs as I stand at the sink. He looks up at me with his Amber eyes and gives me a squeaky meow. I explain to him, that no it’s not time for breakfast, he will have to wait a few more hours. His black and grey tabby tail twitches as he follows me back to bed. As I slide myself in between the sheets, I pray that I don’t have another nightmare.

I switch off the beside light, and close my eyes, I go through my relaxation therapy I have taught myself, relaxing each muscle in my body one at a time, until I drift off to sleep. Buster, my cat, curls up on my passenger side pillow and purrs softly. I feel the effects as my body slowly relaxes, I start at my toes, and work my way up, usually by the time I reach my fingers I am usually out. I drift off to sleep….

I walk into the room and the walls are made of glass. I feel like I should know this place. I walk up to the right window and look out, there is a green valley, with a blue stream running through it. Over by the stream, you stand there. I see you, and as you look up, you wave and beckon me to come down. I look around, and I see no exit. The door I previously walked through is no longer there. I look up and there is nothing but blackness. I look down and see nothing but the valley below. I look as if I am floating, but I am just standing inside a glass box. I move to the wall of glass on the right, and feel around, trying to find a hinge or a handle or even a hole. As I move along the wall, I feel nothing but smooth glass. Same on the wall connected to that, and so on around the glass block. I can’t reach the top of the glass cube, how do I get out??? I see you, you are waiting for me. I get on my hands and knees and search the floor of the cube, nothing looks amiss, no holes, no handles. I feel the frustration and anger beginning to build. I know there is a simple solution, there always is. I get up off my hands and knees and begin to walk around the square room.

After making about twenty laps around the block I look up. There is now a chair in the middle of the room. That wasn’t there before, I know, I searched every inch of this room!! I walk over to it. It is a plain metal folding chair. I sit in it. I decide, maybe it’s like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? I click my bare heels together and say I want to be outside the box. Nothing…should I have expected any different? Maybe it’s not a thinking chair, maybe I can reach the ceiling if I stand on it? I stand on the seat of the chair, and I still can’t reach the top. What now? As I step down of the chair, it slides across the floor….

I pick up the chair and fold it up. I walk over to the wall on the right. I grab the chair by the legs and haul back like a batter at home plate. I swing the chair, and the glass all around me shatters. I begin to fall through darkness. I flail my arms and legs, crying out your name, and reaching into the darkness thinking that you might grab me and bring me to safety.

I sit bolt upright in bed…Sweat pouring off of my body, my black satin sheets wrapped around my legs and my leopard print comforter on the floor. It’s 4 a.m. Buster is staring at me, like I have lost my freaking mind. I give up sleep for the rest of the morning. I wander into the kitchen, open a can of cat food for the cat, and brew a pot of hot tea for me. Well, looks like I get an early start to the day.

I wander off to take a shower, and get started with my sleepy day….

(to be continued)

It took me a few days to finally absorb all the news. My family came into town, I don’t remember who called them. Your family flew in as well, I don’t know how anyone knew. The flowers started pouring in from your coworkers, roses, carnations, daises. The house was a virtual botanic garden. I started to feel claustrophobic, like the walls were caving in. I couldn’t breathe, I felt as if I were falling down a deep well. What happened?

Your mom came to me. She told me I was the daughter she never had, and that she wanted me to continue to be in her life. Your father just seemed to glare at me, I couldn’t understand why….What happened? I wanted to just crawl under a rock, I wanted you to hold me, and tell me it would all be okay. But you wouldn’t, you couldn’t….Never again. You were lost to me in the sea. They recovered your car, the window was busted out, they never found you. What happened? I kept hoping you were going to walk through that door at any moment, hold me close and tell me you swam to shore, and someone found you and rushed you to a hospital, and you tried to call……..I just kept hoping. What happened?

The memorial service was a week later. We buried an empty coffin. I wanted so bad to just tell everyone that this was stupid. That it wasn’t true. I could feel the strands of my mind breaking. I could feel my soul splitting. I could feel none of the pain, and all of the hurt. What happened?

I went back to our house on the sea, I walked through the door into our living room. The wine glasses and dinner had been put away. The broken window repaired. It had shattered so easily when I threw the vase. I walked around in the emptiness, felt the loneliness, heard my heartbeat, felt the coldness seep into my skin. I was truly alone. The family had left, I don’t remember when. How long had I been gone? The flowers were all gone. I walked to the back door. The sea was alive today, the waves were high and foamy. They crashed on the beach with a ferocity. The sea seemed angry to me. Could it be because the ferry driver was drunk when he crashed. Could it be because the same ferry that you were on, hadn’t been inspected before departing. Could it be because my soul mate was gone and now part of the sea. Were you angry and telling me? Oh, how I wish you were here with me now!! We could walk along the beach, and feel the wet sand in our toes. Watch the moon rise, and try to tame the angry sea. Instead I stand here on this porch, looking out across the sea, hoping with all my heart that you will come back to me….

I lived once….I lived in a two story home on the beach, with the man I loved. I lost that man to the sea, the sea I loved to look at and listen to. It made me angry and bitter. It made me not want to be in that house. That is why I did what I did. The firemen said they couldn’t believe the heat of the fire. The house was a complete loss. I confessed to doing it. Everyone said no…it had to be an accident. I didn’t tell them any differently. I watched as our house burned to the ground. Our memories went up in smoke. The fire Marshall declared it an accident, and the insurance covered it. Even though I told them all…it was me. I decided that was a sign, a sign from you. I moved far away from the sea. I moved into the mountains into a log cabin. It has three rooms. Living room, Kitchen, and a bedroom with a small bathroom. It is high in the mountains, on the tallest peak I could safely build on. As close to heaven as I could get. When I die, I want it to be a short trip to come to you. I know you will be there waiting. I lived once. I live again. If only for a short while.

(to be continued)

I lived once. It was a long time ago, but I lived. I lived in a big house on the beach, with the sound of the ocean beating against the shore. The seagulls flying over head searching the water for food. I loved to feel the wind of the sea on my face and the smell of salt in the air. I lived once. I would walk along the beach, feeling the sand move in between my toes and the cool water running up and down the shoreline. I could hear the scuttle of crabs on the rock jetties, and the call of dolphins on a clear morning. I lived once.

What happened? I don’t really know. I can tell you that I remember the sounds, smells and feel of my seaside home, but I can’t remember where it went. I remember the white house, it was 2 stories and it was on stilts for when the storms came in. There was a wrap around porch, with chairs on every side of the house. It had green window shutters and huge bay windows. There was a hammock on the back side of the house, on the beach line, hanging between two palm trees, so I could swing in the breeze. The kitchen had an open view of the shore, so I could watch the waves crash as I cooked big meals. The master bedroom faced the sea as well, with one wall almost completely glass, and a huge skylight above the bed, so that it would feel like I was sleeping under the stars and on the shore. I lived once. It was amazing to wake up on a clear blue day and see the sky above me, and hear the waves, and just lay in bed with you. I lived once. I didn’t have a TV, I had a radio, and a phone, and a library full of books, and you. What happened?

I was waiting….I remember now. It was a Mid summer day, and I was waiting for you to come home. The radio was playing my favorite song, and I was fixing our favorite dinner. A storm was moving in from the South, and I could see the lightning in the sky and the dark clouds rolling in. I loved the sound of the thunder overhead and when the rain came down it always was a soothing sound. The storm was still at least an hour off, and you still weren’t home yet. You were always good about calling to let me know you were running late. What happened? I finished up dinner, and poured us a glass of wine, I knew you would be here shortly. I waited….the storm rolled closer. I waited. The storm broke over the house with a fierce bolt of lightning and a large clap of Thunder. Then rain came down. There was a knock at the door. What happened? I walked through the house, and opened the front door, and there was a man in uniform, it was blue. He asked me if I was your wife…I looked at him puzzled, and wondered how anyone could know that I wasn’t? What happened? He told me that there had been an accident on the Ferry, and that several cars had gone into the bay. That yours may have been one of them. I told him that wasn’t possible, there had been nothing on the radio, it just wasn’t true. He advised that they hadn’t broadcasted it on the news to keep panic and hysteria down. He told me that the police and coast guard were doing all the could to recover the cars to verify, but in this weather……

What happened? The next 48 hours were miserable. You didn’t come home, your wine glass still sat on the table, dinner uneaten, the radio broadcasting the news that a ferry had gone down in the bay, they were still looking for the bodies. What happened….

I began to cry, knowing you were never coming home. Then I began to scream, then I began to throw things. The walls of our life fell around me, the windows of my soul crashed inside. The tides of change were all around me, and I didn’t know what to do. I lived once. What happened? Where did it all go…..

(to be continued)

Ever wanna just say screw it?

Yep…been there…done that…I am back…LMAO

So, I have had a weird and rather stressful couple of weeks. I am blustering through them the best I can, and trying to keep my cool about it. It gives me time to think back on what has happened to me over the past couple of years to get me to the here and now. I have dealt with hope, loss, faith, love, heartbreak, loss of innocence, and regaining control. I still struggle with it all. I still want to fight against all the wrongs and all the things that have made me cry. I know that not everything can be fought, we are here on this earth for a reason, and we are lead down paths that take us places we need to be. We usually end up there with people we want to be. Then for some reason, that path diverts, and we go someplace new, and a new person is set out to walk that path with us. It may be our closest friend, or it may be a total stranger that we haven’t met yet. Once we are on that path, we have a choice. Either follow it and enjoy where we end up or hate it. Don’t follow it, and regret not knowing. The past few years have lead me down paths that I am glad that I didn’t divert from. Some of them I wish hadn’t ended, but that can’t be helped. My path with them ended and a new one is beginning. It is one that I currently walk alone, until my path partner is shown to me, but one that has to be walked. It will take me where I need to go, and when I get there…I know that in the end, all the trials and tribulations I went through will be worth it. Sometimes we have to walk through hell to see the gates of heaven.

Wow…that got kinda deep for me. I have had a lot on my mind…and I have been leary of just letting it all out there. Sometimes we think we are safe in out little cocoon, and realize that sometimes no matter what, someone really is watching…

So, as I sit here, I think. I always thought that love was eternal..apparently not, divorce papers will prove that. That hate is a strong word I don’t use often, but I think that I have a hatred growing inside me. Friends are gained and lost, some as easy as the flip of a coin…others we cling to, because they are all we know. We love and lose, and yet we can love again. We prepare ourselves for the loss of loved ones, and yet it still breaks our souls. We put out 110% and may only get acknowledged 10% of the time. Sometimes a well deserved pat on the back is never given. We stretch ourselves to emotional breaking points and all it takes is being stranded on a crowded airport sidewalk to make us breakdown and let it all go. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And sometimes…one year of love is better than a lifetime alone.

I think that we bring oursleves to the place where we need to be, instead of where we want to be, we are rewarded with what we want in the long run.

That is my philisophical mumble jumble for the week. I hope that it enlightens you and lets you realize that we are all just people, and sometimes it’s good to look at the past and realize we are where we are, because someone lead us to this path.

Hugs and kisses,
Kitty

P.S. I should have thought of a different title

Just cuz I feel like ranting…

So, I can’t say that I am the most responsible person in the world. I can’t say that I am the most priority driven person in the world. I can say that I try to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. I can say that I try to take care of my children the best that I can. I may have set backs, but I usually try to fix it the best I can. I know that I could learn to be more responsible and more priority driven, and I think that I have done well in my circumstances. So, why can’t other people? It really ticks me off, when someone who doesn’t have much to take care, can’t take care of what he needs to.

It’s all about learning…I am learning, and yeah I ain’t perfect, but I know what should come first. I try to make sure that my kids and family are taken care of. I try sooo hard. I even throw my self into debt to make sure that my kids are fed. I sometimes overdraft to make sure that everyone is taken care of. Some people don’t understand it. It’s all about making sure it’s done.

Now, because someone else can’t get their priorities straight, I have to try and figure out a way to make things work…again.

Until next time!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty

One step closer to moving forward.

I got my divorce papers signed by the ex, I drop them off in the morning, and then wait for my court date. So, I am one more step closer to a little bit of freedom!!

I just thought I would take a minute to share with you guys and gals!! Hope ya’ll have a good week!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Kitty