Well, it’s about midnight….and I keep coming across things and seeing things and hearing things…and I just don’t wanna hear or see them anymore.  I keep telling myself I am over and done with all this, and yet there it is.  I am tired of it, and I just want it to stop.

Tears…they come so easily.  Yet, they are so frustrating and irritating, and they piss me off.  Why am I still crying over it all?  Why am I still just so stupidly entangled in it, and I don’t need to be, and I don’t want to be, and yet here I sit at midnight on a Sunday/Monday morning and let the tears fall.  Why?  Hell I don’t know anymore.  It’s like I can’t move forward without falling behind.  I just wanna feel normal again.  I don’t want to feel this way anymore.  It hurts, and it sucks!

It should have been me.  Really, it should have.  I just wasn’t right though.  Not the right fit, or whatever.  I keep telling myself…it’s better now…I keep lieing and trying to hide it all.  I just can’t muddle through it …it just eats at me and digs into my soul.  It should have been me…Should have been, but it’s not and it never will be.  Ever.

I keep trying to walk away…

It keeps pulling me back….

I keep crying over it, like it will help…  and I waste my tears, over and over again…

Whenever I have a title like that, I always prepare myself, because it’s usually random nonsense that comes out of my fingers as they fly across the keyboard.

Don’t you just hate it when something is said, out of context of what is meant, yet you throw it into a new perspective and try to figure things out?

Example:

Logical Love

Let’s break this down.

Logical means according to or agreeing with the principals of logic; reasoning in accordance with the principle’s of logic, as a person or the mind; reasonable, to be expected

Love means a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart; sexual passion or desire.

Okay, so where am I going with this?  That is what I am trying to find out.

What would you consider ‘logical love’?  The love of two people that are in accordance with each other’s passion and desires?  The love of two people that just seem to fit together emotionally, physically and spiritually?  I could continue to ask these questions, there are so many ways to look at it.  I have been told that ‘logical love’ does not exist.  I have been told that ‘logical love’ is just that, Love that logically works out.  What the hell does that mean?  As you can see, I have been thinking about this subject, and I have no answers.

See, this is what happens when I come across something or I hear something that catches my fancy, I tend to over think it, and over analyze it, and try to figure out why it would be said in the first place.  This, my friends, is one of those times.  Does logical love exist?

I will continue to research this issue, and see what I can come up with.

I hear the sound of his voice in my head, and I can’t get over the way it still makes me feel.  I search back through the memories, and still feel the same way I did, before they were memories.  I hear a song and his lips come to mind, and I feel that soft touch.  I see a flash of color that reminds me of his eyes and my heart melts.  I feel the rush of his memories running through my mind at every juncture of my life, and I rejoice in the way it makes me feel.

Is it sad, that one person can excite all of those things in me.  I am amazed that my mind and body react so readily to a thought, a sight, a sound and even just a memory.  Is it just that the mind lingers over the things we liked the most, and moves the bad things out?

I drive to work, 30 minutes, every morning.  In that time, I will see or hear something that brings him into my mind.  What can I do?  I like him there, but boy, does he interfere at some of the worst times imaginable.  So, I am coming to terms with the fact that this memory will always be there.  I will never be rid of it.  I just need to learn how to adjust and work my way around the memory and thoughts and rush of emotion, when I see, hear or feel that rush.

I sit here, and I think and I giggle, because I know.  He will just shake his head and wonder what I was thinking.  The answer to that is… I was thinking about him, always   Amazing how someone can affect someone else so deeply.

Howdy readers!

It has definitely been a Monday!  I had a short weekend with very little sleep.  I think from Friday morning through this morning I got maybe 12 hours of sleep total.  I am just really stressed about the stuff going on with my dad, and just trying to make sure that I get to see him before anything gets any worse.

I guess it could be worse…right?

I could be homeless, jobless, and on the street!  Thank the Lord that I am not though!  I could have no friends or family that care for me.  Well, that is definitely not the case.  I am blessed.  I know that.  I should take that knowledge and thrive off of it.  I think the negative stuff in my life is over powering my positive.  I will find my balance, it may just take a bit.

Well, I just wanted to stop by and give ya’ll a quick glimpse into my personal chaos..LOL

Have a great week!

You ever feel like there are people in your life that are meant to be there, but that you get so angry with them, because of something trivial, that you feel bad about it?  Do you ever wonder why they say that love knows no bounds, and yet those bounds are crossed on a daily basis?  Why do people insist on making things that are small and trivial into something big and obnoxious?  Why is it a man that has been in and out of your life for 35 years, is suddenly the most important person in the world, with one little phone call?

This past weekend has been stressful, anger filled, and guilt ridden and for some reason I can’t shake it.  I am all jumbled up inside.  Saturday morning I got a call from my half brother, in Arkansas.  My dad is now bed ridden, and has no use of his legs.  He sounded all raspy and like he has a lot of fluid on his lungs.  I got to talk to him for just a few, before he went back to sleep.  I called later that day, and my brother advised that Dad was on his way to the hospital, he had no movement in his left arm.  I waited for an update, and didn’t get one that evening.  Sunday morning I called and got the hospital information and called and talked to a nurse.  She advised he may have had a minor stroke.  Now the waiting game begins.  I called him today and got to talk to him for a few minutes.  He still sounds all rattley inside but he was alert.  We will have to wait and see what happens.

So, on to another subject.  How can something so small and so trivial, make someone so angry and then come back to make you feel angry and guilty for being angry all at the same time?  The heart speaks the words that only fall on deaf ears and are never heard by those that need it.  I feel like I don’t need to explain myself, but if I don’t explain myself I feel like I am the guilty person who did nothing wrong.  I mean yeah, I am ‘technically’ the one that should be held ‘responsible’ but I didn’t do anything wrong.  I accepted an invite, and got griped at, because the event ran over and into someone else’s plans.  Not because of anything I did, but because of someone else’s actions.  Yet, I get pulled to the side and scolded like a child, when I wasn’t the one responsible for everyone else’s actions.  I cannot control the universe and all that happens in it.  I cannot control those around me, that I have no cotrol over, yet I am the one who gets the brunt of it.  In the end, I feel guilty, and I really did nothing wrong.  Again Love knows no bounds….

I think I need to just walk away from my pc right now.  I have to much on my mind and in my heart for me to go on.  I have been through worse, but I dont’ feel like I can handle it now.  I don’t want worse to come, I want better to come along.  I want Dad to get better, and I want to not feel so awful about things I have no control over, but because my heart steps in the way, I feel bad.

Later guys and gals…see ya on the upside of things…I hope.